Bf prioritising estranged daughter over me and our son.

[BusyDoingNotADamnThing]

Been with bf for 10 years we have a son together, I'm currently pregnant with our second child.

In the 10 years we've been together he's tried multiple times to initiate contact with his daughter from a previous relationship. She's aged about 18/19 now. Over the years she's never been interested. Suddenly in the last month or two she decided to message my bf saying that she's now decided she wants to know him. Since then they've spoken almost everyday.

Today is my bf's birthday and we had made plans to go out for a meal along with our son. Earlier today he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go out for a meal anymore as he's been feeling stressed and low emotionally. (He has been known to struggle in previous years around Christmas.)
I told him that we can always do something at a later date if he's not feeling up to going out today but just asked him to let me know once he had decided.

An hour or two after we had this conversation he called me saying that he didn't want to go out for the meal or do anything because he just feels low and doesn't want to go anywhere or make a fuss of his birthday today.
Then straight after he told me that this afternoon he had a message from his daughter saying happy birthday and out of the blue she had asked him if he wanted to meet her to go for a drink. So they spent all afternoon together, went to starbucks had hot chocolate and cake as her birthday treat to him. He carries on telling me how happy he is to finally spend time with her and how he's had such a great afternoon.

He's made a last minute decision to cancel the plans he had with me and our son today because instead he's accepted her sudden offer to celebrate his birthday with her this afternoon. Even though he told me he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything today because of how he's feeling.

I feel like such an arsehole for being mad at him on his birthday but he's made me so angry. I don't want him to come tonight because I don't have anything decent to say to him and I know if I say anything about today that it will just cause an arguement.
He's told me over the years how guilty he's always felt that he hasn't been there her whole life like he has for our son. Now today the way he cancelled our plans and chose her over us just makes me wonder if he's going to keep prioritising her over us because he feels guilty. He's basically ditched us to spend the day with her. He's already shown me that given a choice he's chosen her over us.

I don't even know where to begin in telling him how shitty he's made me feel today. Feels like whatever I say I'm going to be the bad guy in this situation.
I don't know what to do but I know I'll just become more angry by the situation the longer I don't say something. I don't want this to cause a huge argument and for it to ruin Christmas as well.

He hasn't handled it very well, so in a day or 2 I would just talk about communication and expectations moving forward.

I agree with @SausageChopsBellyFlops , have a chat about what happened in a few days, not in the context of him celebrating with his DD, but that you and DS were disappointed and you’d appreciate more warning.

Re. His DD. Meeting your new baby without you is ridiculous and isn’t going to happen, but it’s also understandable that she’s nervous about meeting you and DS. She’s still building her relationship with her Dad and a whole new family is a lot to cope with emotionally. Take it slowly.

This is huge for him.

The only way you will be able to cope with this is to join in when the time is right.

She exists and has a right to a relationship with her father, at her own pace. She didn’t choose to be his daughter.

If she isn't ready to meet us as a family then it can wait until she is. Definitely won't be seeing just the baby.

Really? She said he had been trying to build a relationship and she rebuffed him and you conclude he is not interested in his older child. Please read before posting.

YABU. Your partner has been prioritising your DS all his life, now he has the option to spend time with both his children, he should make time for her. They are building a relationship you and DS don’t need to be a part of that early on. The birthday incident is a non issue, given the circumstances. It certainly doesn’t mean he loves you or your son any less so don’t indulge any impulses to throw a fit of jealousy.

The only part of this which would be reasonable would be refusing to be separated from your young baby. This is just a bit of flawed teenaged logic, she can meet the baby when she’s ready to meet the two of you also.

It was discussed on the day of the first messages they exchanged that there would be no rush. I even said there would be no pressure for her to meet me and my son if she only wanted to see her dad.
Bf mentioned her first just meeting me without our son then gradually meeting all of us but only when she's ready. She has since asked multiple times about how my pregnancy is going but continued to make it clear she only wants to meet the baby.

You need to tell him how you feel, calmly and kindly.
For you relationship to be happily sustainable into the future (and you both bringing up kids together) your husband has to start to include you in his relationship with his new found daughter.
You and your son should never be excluded from meet ups, from knowing about the meet ups, from planning meet ups nor from influencing whether each meet up is appropriate at the time. Clearly this meet up was inappropriate.

You don't need your trust and relationship to erode.
Ideally his daughter ends up knowing you all and being welcome to visit. You all hopefully will be very comfortable with each other. Your BF will have to choose sometimes but it is not a competition and you should be involved in the decision.

I agree with this poster on the fact he was bang out of order to his son - a little boy wanted to spend time with his dad on his birthday and he canceled on the kid because he was feeling moody.

he then showed the boy that his depression could be easily kicked for someone else.

the kid is new to having this sister in his life too - there’s bound to be feelings of jealousy arising for him (and for her of course but let’s stick with this kid for a sec)

WHY has this guy told you he wasn’t in his daughter’s life? Because his emotional intelligence is obviously not great. Wouldn’t have been hard to see his daughter for a few hours and then see you or vice versa would it?

on the surface he can pretend he’s being a good dad now to her - reality is is he’s now being a shit dad to your son. Trading one for the other.

It might be because he’s just a shit dad full stop and you’re only just realising. It might be that he’s feeling guilty about being around your son now his daughter is back in his life. Again shit dad.

sounds like an arsehole - what grown adult has form for being a misery guts around Christmas when they’ve got little kids? Honestly I don’t care what terrible thing happened 15 years ago on Christmas or how mean his mummy was when he was growing up. He’s got kids. Pull your shit together.

I don’t believe he’s been the perfect man up til now…and yes you have a right to be pissed off. But unfortunately for you he’s now going to spin it so you look like you’re a bitch step mum who’s jealous of her step daughter reconnecting with her dad - rather than a woman who’s little boy had his dad reject him.

Your best bet is to keep ALL communication and annoyance entirely focused around him ditching his son to mope at home. The moment you bring “then you went and met your daughter” into it he’ll twist it.

Expect more of this. Do you live separately?

I agree with someone above who said wait a few days and discuss it in a way "moving forward I expect X, Y and Z" rather than making it an argument. You need to decide what is actually annoying you. It has little to do with his DD in my opinion! He cancelled plans, he didn't let you know in time, he disappointed his DP and son...

Maybe I'm reading too much into it but there seems to be an underlying "tone" when you talk about his DD. Just something you aren't happy about. For a while he probably is going to have to meet her last minute to keep things sweet between them until they establish a relationship. I can understand why she doesn't want to meet you or DS yet. It would be hard to meet you both and then for things to go tits up with her dad and her to have to withdraw from all of you. That could be why she is willing to meet the baby.

But I agree, I wouldn't be letting her meet the baby without ye. Meeting you, and then meeting the 2 kids is the way it should go in my opinion.

You don't know my son to make that assumption. He was affected by it. I helped him make a birthday cake, he wrote on cards and helped wrap gifts because he wanted to make effort for his dad.

When his dad got home he had already been out and had cake so he then didn't want anymore cake. He didn't have any of his birthday cake that we had taken the time to make for him. How do you think that made my son feel?
Don't talk like you know my son or how he feels.

I don't use my child as a weapon the same way my bf's ex did with their daughter. Her mother's ways and manipulation is in no way my fault. I'm not going to let this go without a discussion and have my son let down. Why should his feelings be any less important because he's had his dad around and she hasn't?

Today wasn't handled in a fair way towards me or my son. I'm not just going to forget about the issue and not say anything to him because you or anyone else says I should feel sorry for his daughter.

So he did see his son yesterday just didn't want to go to busy Friday night restaurant before Christmas , don't blame him to be honest .

Came in to say this.

OP- don’t you think he should take the opportunity where he can to build the relationship?

He made a massive mistake 10
years ago by not fighting for his child through the courts. He compounded that mistake by going on to start a new family when he could have been spending that energy fighting for access to his child.

the daughter he abandoned his now old enough to contact him independently. He has to handle this very carefully. She is going to have years of emotional baggage built up over his choices. Declining her invitation has the potential to be interpreted as much more than simply not being available that particular time.

he needs to be proactive about trying to repair this relationship.he shouldn’t abandon his other children in the process, but maybe for once he needs to put his daughter first.

He changed his mind. He.changed.his.mind. Its not s huge crime. He can celebrate with your DS another time. Stop making a mountain out of a mole hill.

So, his daughter has been raised by a mother who went to great lengths to keep your BF and his daughter apart, to the extent that she uprooted her daughter several times, moving to new towns, leaving her old life/home/friends behind.

Do I believe her mother wouldn't have poisoned her daughter's mind about her father? (Spoiler - no.) She had to justify the constant moving/hiding, didn't she? She's not going to say 'I'm not letting him see you until he gets back together with me, you are my bargaining chip' now, is she? Of course not! It would have been all 'I love you, I have to keep you safe from him', wouldn't it? His daughter has been groomed against him.

Her mother was manipulative. I think the possibility is that the apple didn't fall far from the tree should be considered. Yes, it is a horrible thought, but it's one that must be considered.

Two things -

1. Surely she would have thought it likely that he would have birthday plans with you and your/his son?
2. "When she asked about the baby my bf mentioned about meeting the three of us in time when she's ready but her response was she isn't ready to meet me or my son. She just wanted dad to take the baby to meet her." and "She's already said she loves babies as soon as the new baby is born has asked her dad if she can be one of the first people to meet him."

I mean - what the fuck? She wants to be one of the first people to meet the baby - without the woman who has just given birth to it? That's what 'one of the first' means. Within days, maybe within hours. No, no, no! She envisages your BF taking the baby from the arms of its mother and transporting it out of the hospital to ?where? so SHE can meet the baby? Whilst its mother languishes in her hospital bed?

Stamp down on that IMMEDIATELY. Make it absolutely clear that your newborn is going NOWHERE without you! This is a mad request on her part, and it would be even madder if he acceded to it. It's ringing all sorts of alarm bells in my head.

And I'd consider his poor behaviour over his birthday has been at her request. Her manipulative request.

My main concern is that his bond with her shouldn't come at the expense of my son's feelings and effort he made for his dad.

I intend to discuss the issue with him. The problem is knowing how to approach that conversation.

I'd feel the same.

But

You will have to step back a little longer. Over compensate with your shared child and see how it plays out.

If it continues then be honest about your concerns for shared child but it feels like you are jumping the gun.

I would approach the conversation by covering these points:

•You're really happy he had a good time with his daughter on his birthday
•You're also really pleased their relationship is progressing
•Unfortunately, the way he handled the day meant that your son was disappointed. (Could he really not have slapped a smile on his face and had another piece of cake at home?)
• Given he's about to have three children, you want to discuss how to handle situations like this so you can be fair to all parties.
•Perhaps these discussions could be led by a therapist with experience in this area.

He needs to think about what his response will be if his DD wants to meet up at a time when he's already committed to you, especially as you will soon have a new baby and might need more support than usual. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to test him around this time. A therapist could be helpful in helping him come up with a response that doesn't leave his new family feeling high and dry but also keeps his DD feeling secure.

What has he said to her about meeting the new baby?

@BusyDoingNotADamnThing you are being completely unreasonable

How can you say your partners relationship shouldn't come at expense of your son's welfare when you're talking about one meal? How delicate is your child? You cannot be serious, it stinks of jealously and lack of empathy for anything beyond your own interests.

Yes, she went to extreme lengths. That's not just me taking his side of the story I've seen the evidence he has of messages she would send.

At the same time as she continued to keep them apart and prevent his contact she would also be messaging me from fake Facebook accounts begging me to leave him and trying to convince me to help her get him back. I received multiple messages from her stating that I was keeping him away from his child because of our relationship and that life would be better for everyone if I just helped them get back together for the sake of their daughter.
I remember 2/3 times that I had helped him to track down where they were. Only for us to find their address and within a week of us finding out she would move and we'd have to start looking all over again. It took so much time and energy from both me and my bf.

Bf's response was a straight "No disrespect that won't happen."
There's no chance of anyone meeting any of my children without me meeting them first. Especially a newborn.
He said her reply was to jokingly make a comment about how technically she's a sibling of the baby so she should be one of the first to meet/hold him.
Since then she has asked about the pregnancy and when she'll meet the baby a few times.

Sorry but your comment about the apple not falling far from the tree is absolutely vile.

So the Sun of this thread is the OP posts asking saying they're upset that their partner cancelled their plans with their joint child to see his estranged child.

Op only really engages with posts that support her feelings.

Op makes it clear that they don't really care about their partner's relationship with estranged child if it inconveniences their own child in anyway and discusses / agrees with comments labelling the estranged child all manner of derogatory terms.

Basically the Op comes as cross as though they would be very happy for the estranged child to remain estranged.

Of course my son is my priority. He's my priority in everything.

It's the way he's handled the situation. It doesn't matter what the plans we had were it's the fact that he couldn't let me know he wanted to cancel our plans until less than 2 hours before we were supposed to be going out. Then to say he's had a great afternoon out with someone else.

Said he felt too depressed to do anything with us and told me he didn't want to acknowledge his birthday at all but clearly that didn't affect how he chose to spend the afternoon.

Anyone who thinks the way he's dealt with the situation is ok or that I should just stay quiet and say nothing in my eyes is absolutely crazy. I'm definitely bringing it up with him. It's how to approach the conversation that I'm unsure of.

@BusyDoingNotADamnThing

Your child doesn't need to be a priority in every situation. No harm can possibly have come to him cause his dad cancelled one event / meal.

In fact, if you showed evidence of the feelings you're putting across now to your son, that probably had much more of an impact than what his father did.

I think it must be really hard for your partner and whilst yeah his actions weren't great, I think it would show empathy to let it go on this occasion.

From the way you've reacted I get the impression that this isn't just about this event, it's actually that you want to assert yours and your son's supposed superiority over his estranged child. I think your assertion that your child is always your priority is just a cover for this. Why wouldn't you be happy your partner is forging a relationship with his child and that could potentially make him happier?