Bf prioritising estranged daughter over me and our son.

[BusyDoingNotADamnThing]

Been with bf for 10 years we have a son together, I'm currently pregnant with our second child.

In the 10 years we've been together he's tried multiple times to initiate contact with his daughter from a previous relationship. She's aged about 18/19 now. Over the years she's never been interested. Suddenly in the last month or two she decided to message my bf saying that she's now decided she wants to know him. Since then they've spoken almost everyday.

Today is my bf's birthday and we had made plans to go out for a meal along with our son. Earlier today he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go out for a meal anymore as he's been feeling stressed and low emotionally. (He has been known to struggle in previous years around Christmas.)
I told him that we can always do something at a later date if he's not feeling up to going out today but just asked him to let me know once he had decided.

An hour or two after we had this conversation he called me saying that he didn't want to go out for the meal or do anything because he just feels low and doesn't want to go anywhere or make a fuss of his birthday today.
Then straight after he told me that this afternoon he had a message from his daughter saying happy birthday and out of the blue she had asked him if he wanted to meet her to go for a drink. So they spent all afternoon together, went to starbucks had hot chocolate and cake as her birthday treat to him. He carries on telling me how happy he is to finally spend time with her and how he's had such a great afternoon.

He's made a last minute decision to cancel the plans he had with me and our son today because instead he's accepted her sudden offer to celebrate his birthday with her this afternoon. Even though he told me he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything today because of how he's feeling.

I feel like such an arsehole for being mad at him on his birthday but he's made me so angry. I don't want him to come tonight because I don't have anything decent to say to him and I know if I say anything about today that it will just cause an arguement.
He's told me over the years how guilty he's always felt that he hasn't been there her whole life like he has for our son. Now today the way he cancelled our plans and chose her over us just makes me wonder if he's going to keep prioritising her over us because he feels guilty. He's basically ditched us to spend the day with her. He's already shown me that given a choice he's chosen her over us.

I don't even know where to begin in telling him how shitty he's made me feel today. Feels like whatever I say I'm going to be the bad guy in this situation.
I don't know what to do but I know I'll just become more angry by the situation the longer I don't say something. I don't want this to cause a huge argument and for it to ruin Christmas as well.

I imagine his emerging relationship with his dd feels very fragile, and it would be likely there would be an element of her 'testing him, ie, will he be there for me, am I 'important enough to him for him to spend his birthday with me'. She may be, out of awareness, wanting to see if he picks her over you and his son. Whatever the circumstances, a child who doesn't see a parent for years will have significant trust issues, and her dad will need to be really sensitive and attuned to this as they build a relationship.

I think a conversation with him will he helpful about all this, so you both think of the most sensitive way to navigate it, as well as making sure she knows from both of you that she is completely welcome and a part of your family.

Your conversation starts with 'did you and DD have a lovely time?'. And should continue with you were a little sad not to celebrate but next year you hope to celebrate with him and all three children.
It's that simple.

Imagine your own child growing up without you. Then when they’re 18 you’re suddenly given the chance to establish a relationship with them. Wouldn’t you move mountains to seize the opportunity, even if it meant your partner’s nose being put out of joint a bit? How many birthdays have you celebrated with DH in the past? If it’s only their third meeting it suggests this new relationship isn’t truly established yet, and he’s bound to be feeling anxious about it and fearful of upsetting her. It’s not any slight on you or your DC. If you don’t support him with this you’ll just come across as a jealous, bitter step-mother.

What did he do for 10 years to try and have regular contact with her? Did he not know where she was living or something? Did he try the family court for access? She was 8, I doubt you’d accept not seeing your son without trying every possible thing you could first.

He’s handled his birthday very badly. He lied to you and he let your son down. Not okay. He should have thanked her for the message, said he was busy and arranged another day to see her.

Posters on here are being typically unpleasant by thinking your young son’s feelings are irrelevant as he lives with both of his parents. It’s like an obsession with some people. It’s not DSD’s fault she grew up without her dad but it’s also not your son’s and his father was a twat in how he handled this. He knew he had a complicated set up with his DD when he planned not one but two children with you and it’s up to him to manage all of that fairly to everyone. He hasn’t done that.

And how can you blame an 18-19 year old for not being ready to speak to her estranged father?!

You're being selfish and jealous as others have said, sometimes it's ok to recognise this on ourselves and adjust our behaviour.

I disagree that he has prioritised his alienated daughter over you and your son. I say alienated because she was 8/9 and despite his efforts to be in her life, he was rebuffed most likely by his ex, who would have alienated his DD from him. Estranged is a word you use when an adult chooses to go low contact or no contact with a relative, a child of 8/9 is a minor and has no say, no choice in their parents splitting.

The reason I disagree that he has prioritised his teenage daughter over you and your son is because when you made plans for a birthday meal, you made it very clear that you were flexible based on his wishes and that you could do the meal at a later date if he preferred. This is great, because it’s HIS birthday after all, not your birthday or your son’s and so it should be HIS choice what to do on the day or in the days around it. You wrote

I told him that we can always do something at a later date if he's not feeling up to going out today but just asked him to let me know once he had decided.

You then say some hours after this, he said he’d gotten a message from the teenage daughter and wanted to meet up with her on his birthday. P knowing that the dinner plans with you and son were flexible, and you’d already offered to do them on another date, why shouldn’t he have accepted her invitation? An invitation that wasn’t for a birthday meal but a coffee and cake?! So it’s not like she has upstaged you.

I think you are being unreasonably jealous of his teenage daughter who is trying to build a relationship with her father, a relationship that was likely denied to her by her mother from what you have said. She exists, she is part of his family too.

I would be happy for him and I would say fantastic how it has all worked out, but me and son still want to treat you for your birthday too, when shall we plan it for?

He didn’t cancel your plans because you’d said they were flexible, pencilled in, no pressure can do on another date just let me know. You can’t go back on your word now. I agree too with including his DD in future invitations, perhaps even the upcoming birthday meal with you and son?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You're not suggesting for one second that you don't want him spending time with his daughter. You're upset that he cancelled plans with you and your son, only to then spend his birthday with her. He had multiple options that wouldn't have resulted in you feeling hurt:

1. See her before or after the planned birthday celebration meal.
2. Invite her to the meal.
3. Arrange to celebrate his birthday with her the next day (if he really was feeling too shitty to do anything, which clearly he wasn't).
4. Do nothing with anyone.

There is no evidence he has lied.

And why should his DD suffer because you think he didn’t try hard enough to be in her life sooner, on the basis of fuck all?

And sorry, but OP said it was flexible, can be on another date. Their DS should know this too that Dad’s birthday meal might be on a different day from his actual birthday already and therefore not be hurt at all?

How is it not fair? Coffee and cake with DD on his birthday day, and a birthday meal the next day? Or the next? You write like you have zero experience of blended families.

If he called you after seeing his daughter and theb cancelled seeing his son and you then he is unreasonable-he could have done both.

And I assume you can't live together as you'd have seen him anyway.

Not making an effort for his son and letting them down is pretty crappy when he could do both things.

I think people are being unfairly harsh to OP. I don't think the problem is him spending time with his daughter I think it was the cancellation that was the issue. He should have made the day work for both his children (I think op said her son was waiting for his dad all day) Equally OP you're going to need to support him in building a relationship with his daughter and make sure you don't say anything that sounds like you're pushing her away. You're going to need to be sensitive to the fact that she may test him and he will need to show her that he is 100% committed to being a father to her.

The cancellation was the issue, except there were no firm plans to be cancelled. OP said he should let her know if he wanted to do the birthday meal as soon as he had decided. That means he had not yet agreed to the plans, so when he called with his decision, he wasnt cancelling a plan to do a birthday meal that evening, he had decided to take up OP on her offer to have the birthday meal on another day.

Op I know this must feel really hurtful. And he's not thinking with everyone in mind here. He's secure in his relationship with you and your joint kids.

This new relationship with a daughter he thought he'd lost has probably thrown him a massive curve ball and he's reacting emotionally- probably because he's terrified that if he says no, she'll be off again.

It feels like a massive rejection of you, but if you know your relationship is good, it must likely isn't a rejection of you, but a fear of rejection from his daughter.

You are allowed to feel upset, but this is uncharted territory and will probably be making you both feel like the sands have shifted.

If it's possible, I'd suggest carving out some time with a counsellor to explore this as it's really important that resentment doesn't set in.

His daughter is important. Your children are important. You are important. But a massive change has been introduced that neither of you know how to navigate, and his daughter, whilst adult, may never have felt able to reach out for all sorts of reasons.

You're not wrong for feeling upset, but acting proactively now is really important to helping to manage this well for all your sakes.

Fuck me, go and see a therapist and they will explain it all too and hopefully help you stop being so ridiculous. As others say Christmas was probably always hard for him because of this estrangement and now she is here, of course he'll drop everything to see her.

Well he’s an asshole but to be fair he made it clear from the beginning he was an asshole by accepting not having contact with his 8 year old daughter.

Im continually surprised when women have kids with men who’ve already made it clear they don’t prioritise their existing kids and then are shocked when the man in question shows scant regard for his further children.

I think there needs to be a lot of acceptance in this situation that he’s got some figuring out to do in how he navigates exploring his relationship with his daughter while balancing the rest of his life. I’d simply say very gently that you’re thrilled he is rebuilding the relationship with his daughter but please can he be mindful of the potential impact on ds if he perceives himself to be less important than his sister.

Kindly, I think YABU. She’s only just become an adult and now it seems is taking over her own life and looking for a relationship with her dad. Before this, she was a child and it’s incredibly unfair to say she “didn’t want to know him”. She was a child who can’t facilitate a relationship with an adult herself.

i think you should encourage this and let them get on with it tbh. You have your own little family, but she is his child too.

It's probably the lies he told you about not wanting to go out anywhere at all while all the time planning to go out with his DD. If she rang and asked to meet up for a drink he could have suggested tomorrow as he'd already made plans for today with you. Instead he chose to lie to you. I'd be pissed off too.

Thank you for your perspective and not just commenting to insult me like most others have.

He had full contact with his daughter when she was born but his relationship with her mother broke down. When he ended the relationship with her mother she told him that if he didn't want her she would never let him see his child again. After that she would frequently change her phone number, email address etc and move regularly from town to town to keep him away. Everytime he found out where they were living she would just move away again. She used her child as a weapon against him all because she still wanted the relationship and he didn't.

Throughout the first few years of my relationship with him his ex contacted me through a fake accounts she'd made on Facebook and repeatedly begged me to leave him. Not only that she would ask me to help her get him back. Everyime I blocked an account of hers she'd just make a new one and start all over again with persistent messages.

He could of spent some time with his daughter this afternoon and gone out with us as planned this evening. It just annoyed me that he's said he didn't want to do anything knowing that he had planned to go out and celebrate today with someone else. He could of even said can we change our plans because she'd asked to see him at least I would of known that's why he didn't want to continue with our plans. The way he handled it was unfair to my son.

My son is only 8 as well. He's been excited to celebrate with his dad, he's helped with making a birthday cake, writing on cards, wrapping gifts etc. It's sad how so many people think my son's feelings aren't just as important.

Although conversations and the meetings they've had have gone well so far his daughter has already stated that she isn't ready to meet either me or my son and won't be for a long time but been asking about my pregnancy. She's already said she loves babies as soon as the new baby is born has asked her dad if she can be one of the first people to meet him.

If she had already met both myself and my son then she would of been more than welcome to join us in the plans we had. I don't have a problem with her. My issue was with how my bf has handled this situation today....that's what annoyed me. That's what I was trying to get some advice on how to approach that conversation.

This really.

It would be the messing about with plans rather than meeting his DD that would piss me off.

A grown up would have just said 'look, I know we thought we might do something for my birthday but DD just called and she wants to meet up. Our relationship is still new and fragile at the moment and I don't want to scare her off. So can we rearrange for later tonight or maybe tomorrow'

Saying he doesn't feel like doing anything repeatedly then miraculously wanting to go out is silly. Like the OP is an idiot and can't put two and two together.

OP your dp is going to be priotising his relationship with his DD to a certain extent for a while because he doesn't want to lose it again. In your shoes I'd be telling him he needs to be honest about what's going on not playing silly games.

Having been in reunions with both 'long lost' parents and with siblings quite a few times over the years, I can tell you that it's almost like the first throes of love. It's difficult to think of anything, or anyone else and turning down invitations to meet would have been really difficult. It rarely lasts at this level. It's almost like a honeymoon period.
I know it's difficult but try not to take it personally. It's likely to drop to a more normal level once the newness wears off.

I understand why you are hurt. Nobody wants to feel like second fiddle, and he's been very clumsy and insensitive in how he's handled the situation.

I do think he has to strike while the iron is hot if he wants to have a relationship with his daughter, though, however bad the timing is. He may not get another chance. If it was my estranged teenager I would drop everything and go running too - but he owes you an apology and a lot of reassurance for ditching you at the last minute and not being completely honest.