Bf prioritising estranged daughter over me and our son.

[BusyDoingNotADamnThing]

Been with bf for 10 years we have a son together, I'm currently pregnant with our second child.

In the 10 years we've been together he's tried multiple times to initiate contact with his daughter from a previous relationship. She's aged about 18/19 now. Over the years she's never been interested. Suddenly in the last month or two she decided to message my bf saying that she's now decided she wants to know him. Since then they've spoken almost everyday.

Today is my bf's birthday and we had made plans to go out for a meal along with our son. Earlier today he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go out for a meal anymore as he's been feeling stressed and low emotionally. (He has been known to struggle in previous years around Christmas.)
I told him that we can always do something at a later date if he's not feeling up to going out today but just asked him to let me know once he had decided.

An hour or two after we had this conversation he called me saying that he didn't want to go out for the meal or do anything because he just feels low and doesn't want to go anywhere or make a fuss of his birthday today.
Then straight after he told me that this afternoon he had a message from his daughter saying happy birthday and out of the blue she had asked him if he wanted to meet her to go for a drink. So they spent all afternoon together, went to starbucks had hot chocolate and cake as her birthday treat to him. He carries on telling me how happy he is to finally spend time with her and how he's had such a great afternoon.

He's made a last minute decision to cancel the plans he had with me and our son today because instead he's accepted her sudden offer to celebrate his birthday with her this afternoon. Even though he told me he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything today because of how he's feeling.

I feel like such an arsehole for being mad at him on his birthday but he's made me so angry. I don't want him to come tonight because I don't have anything decent to say to him and I know if I say anything about today that it will just cause an arguement.
He's told me over the years how guilty he's always felt that he hasn't been there her whole life like he has for our son. Now today the way he cancelled our plans and chose her over us just makes me wonder if he's going to keep prioritising her over us because he feels guilty. He's basically ditched us to spend the day with her. He's already shown me that given a choice he's chosen her over us.

I don't even know where to begin in telling him how shitty he's made me feel today. Feels like whatever I say I'm going to be the bad guy in this situation.
I don't know what to do but I know I'll just become more angry by the situation the longer I don't say something. I don't want this to cause a huge argument and for it to ruin Christmas as well.

You have one child.

Soon you ll have two. Throughout their childhoods there will be times that their needs as individuals will take priority over the other.

At the minute he needs to prioitise his relationship with his oldest. If that means sometimes rearranging plans, doing things seperately then so be it.

They are starting from ground up. Your children will live with their father and if he is a decent and involved parent, relationship will be able to sustain the situation adapting.

The question is, is he actually a good father to your son? Because the only thing I think he did wrong was not put on a smile, eat the cake like it was the best thing on earth and be enthusiastic at the effort his son made for him.

He was entitled to not want to go out for dinner and an 8 year old should be told change of plans for dads bday we are staying in and doing cake. End of story no big drama.

I understand where you are coming from, but this is one occasion, you’re getting mad thinking this wil happen over and over and it hasn’t. It’s also not your or your kids birthdays. Hopefully in the future you can build a good enough relationship where you all go out on his birthday together.

Look at it from the other POV, the daughter, feeling ready to let him in after years apart and offering an olive branch to catch up on his birthday - he would be an absolute fool to have not gone and unless he was really ill or otherwise incapacitated she could have, rightly, cut down contact. Not a risk a loving father would want to take.. nor would a nurturing stepmom and gf …

Give him just a few months to make friends with his daughter but then you need to set sustainable boundaries that will be healthy for your relationship and your two small children for the long term.

Such boundaries for me would be ..

Never cancel a date with current family for daughter unless she is hospitalised unexpectantly.
Include your now family in social outings with daughter.
Always talk together and decide plans for meeting daughter.
Invite daughter to home for a meal or catch up regularly - like once per month.
Daughter is welcome to stay for a couple of days now and again, without bringing any vices into your home.
Texting and talking to daughter needs to be considerate to your now family.

You need to be supportive and you can only be that if husband is showing you commitment and respect and showering your young family with his time, love and effort.
He doesn't need to have all of his children go through years of estrangement like his oldest.
You both don't need to become estranged; don't accept DH and DSD leaving you out.

I would guess your son was at full time school today, and didn't get home until 3.30pm-ish

and one hour later you knew that the 6pm meal wasn't happening.

shame that Daddy was unable to force one piece of cake down his throat just to please his son.

did Daddy not have another morsel of food all evening ? being so full from having cake in the afternoon?

@BusyDoingNotADamnThing

One birthday Vs an entire childhood. Yes, you and your son are the ones who are missing out here 🙄. Seriously, get a grip and try to see things outside your own tiny perspective.