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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone awake? DV

248 replies

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 02:05

The police have taken my husband into custody not long ago, I have to stay awake so they can come back for a statement. Its DV related. He's also in the army.

Does anyone know what will happen now? We own the home jointly, will he be allowed back here?
I think I did the wrong thing, I can't do this.

I've got 3 children at home, no local support, am pregnant and have to make it through tommorow on no sleep.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2023 21:17

As prior poster said, I bet he doesn't 'lose it' and assault other men. It's somehow always the women behind closed doors who bare the brunt (apart from maybe with sociopaths who often attack everyone)

That shows clearly that abusers can control their actions. They just choose to act in ways that cause intimidation, pain and suffering to those who love them. Banking on it being excused and minimised.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 21:30

Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2023 21:17

As prior poster said, I bet he doesn't 'lose it' and assault other men. It's somehow always the women behind closed doors who bare the brunt (apart from maybe with sociopaths who often attack everyone)

That shows clearly that abusers can control their actions. They just choose to act in ways that cause intimidation, pain and suffering to those who love them. Banking on it being excused and minimised.

So funnily enough, I had this conversation with my mum today who said that she couldn't believe it had happened more than once because she saw no signs, she's a DV survivor. She noticed he had a short temper sometimes but yeah, never really expected this.
This started a conversation where I said something like 'he can't control it...' and she said actually hang on a minute he can, because he does when I stay, or family stay or around his family or other people...

So yes, he can control it!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 31/12/2023 21:33

Has it happened more than once, OP?

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 21:47

Oh yes, same old bingo

  • I can't control it
  • I snapped
  • I'm stressed, tired insert crap excuse
  • I'll change
  • what can I do to make it up to you
  • I didn't mean to

Right down to the

  • you made me
  • if x,y,z hadn't happened I wouldn't have
  • I didn't do that
  • you got it wrong
  • I never said that
  • you dreamt it
  • stop making a big deal of it
  • Well it didn't hurt
  • stop crying
  • I wouldn't shout if you listened
  • I'm sorry you took it that way
  • it wasn't that bad
OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 31/12/2023 22:42

Lord above, you'd think these men had a playbook to follow.

My ex said all those things. Many, many times.

He even (quite recently) told our adult son that I'd made it all up, and that he'd never hit me. This is despite the fact that DS can remember his father hitting me, and was hit by him also.

TheShellBeach · 31/12/2023 22:44

I was also told:

  • You must bruise really easily. I barely touched you.
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 31/12/2023 22:50

Hi shellbeach, apparently we have more in common than good cats :(
I do actually bruise incredibly easily but that doesn’t change the fact my mother has attacked and harmed me in public in front of boyfriends and committed GBH against my dad. Blood just hanging around the house for fucking ages.
assault includes causing fear that someone will hurt you. There is no need for actual hurt or harm. You’ve been assaulted. I’m not going to say it will be easy for you to get help but stay firm in that knowledge please?

TheShellBeach · 31/12/2023 23:04

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau
I was talking about my ex, who I divorced in 1989.
I was just commenting to the OP that these violent men seem to say the same things.

Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2023 23:16

And to think, just a few posts back you said he was 'lovely'. Lovely people don't do the things you posted about in your last update though do they...but bullies do.

TheShellBeach · 31/12/2023 23:17

He doesn't sound lovely to me, OP - but I know how hard it is to reconcile the fact that they can be nice sometimes, when they're not terrorising and assaulting you.

Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2023 23:24

It's hard to hold both 'I care about this person' and 'he doesn't care about me' in our heads at the same time. So instead, we push the later under the carpet, we tell lies to ourselves about his true motivations.

The truth is, he really doesn't care about anyone but himself. If anything, he views you with contempt.

And rather than clinging to the lie, we have to be honest with ourselves. That these people will never love us. But that that's not a fault with us. It's just because they aren't really capable of it.

We have to give ourselves permission to stop. Stop chasing their approval. Stop hoping they will change. Stop choosing them over our own sanity and even our saftey.

Give ourselves permission to walk away.
Because you are enough.
But he, never will be.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 01/01/2024 07:00

Thank you all

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 01/01/2024 08:25

OP, I think there are people being unnecessarily harsh but with the best of motivations, either because they haven’t been subjected to this sort of abuse or have been and have managed to escape it so think you ought to as well. I had an ex who dumped me three times by just hanging up on a call and not speaking for months simply because he fancied someone else, gave me long periods of silent treatment when we were together - he explained that if he didn’t he would probably have hit me but I would have preferred the beating honestly - and had a variety of lovely emotional punishments he would run through whenever I dared to protest anything he did. Coming from a very abusive background I still basically view him as an angel and haven’t got over him properly (clue: dumping someone by hanging up mid sentence and getting engaged to their good friend a week later is not helping them get over you).

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 01/01/2024 09:05

I just can't believe the calm, the children are laying in, I have a lovely routine.
Behaviour can be an issue but I can see it calming.

The thing is I feel this is the calm before the storm because we can't speak to him. I haven't actually said separate to him and he hasn't tried All the remorse shit (prepared for this) and when he pleads to come back and try again that's when I think I'll struggle with him and his temper again but I'm rapidly like a beaver building the biggest dam I can.

I feel so much brighter but I know its ups and downs but I feel realistic.

Happy New Year!

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 01/01/2024 09:10

A very Happy New Year to you, @Isanyoneawake44 !!!

And remember you can always come back to MN and get sympathy and practical help when you need it.

Namechangexxxchristmas · 01/01/2024 10:00

Happy new year OP!

I know it is easy for me to say this, but it does get easier once he's gone for good. 10 years ago around new years my daughters father did similar. 10 years on and I'm so happy with my life, financially it's been difficult but I'm so much more happier without him. At the time I didn't think I could be but I am now. Back then I would cry in the night holding my pregnant stomach feeling so lonely. Sorry I just wanted you to know you're not alone and you're in my thoughts OP xx you can do this ❤️

TheShellBeach · 01/01/2024 10:08

........................and when he pleads to come back and try again that's when I think I'll struggle with him and his temper

Yes. I think that's when all battered women struggle. We want to believe that this time, he'll really be kind, and not start hitting again.

But these men always revert to type. Every single time.

Stay strong, because better times without him are ahead.

Happy New Year, OP.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 01/01/2024 10:29

I don't want to be beaten down to just agree because I am liking being on my own and once he's in its getting him out again.
I did not cause this and thats that.

I'd be happy to never ever go near a man, date, sex anything ever again. More trouble than its worth!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 01/01/2024 10:44

I did not cause this and thats that

Exactly! Well said!

Raspberrymoon49 · 01/01/2024 10:52

It often takes survivors of DV multiple attempts to leave, please don’t be one who gives the abuser more chances to prove himself, he has shown you what he’s made of, don’t revert to ground zero and start the whole sorry saga again, keep focused and have faith that you’re doing exactly the right thing and please don’t put yourself in harm’s way again.

Comtesse · 01/01/2024 12:39

Happy new year OP - hope this is the start for new beginnings for you xx

TheShellBeach · 03/01/2024 13:21

How are you and the children, @Isanyoneawake44

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 03/01/2024 20:47

Hi I'm OK
Feeling like all the support is very slow but I don't actually know what I need.
Found the police pretty unhelpful and slow.
Sounds like I'm moaning but I don't mean to, I am just really tired tonight and feeling a bit, I want to say lonely, but don't think it is lonely, I can't put my finger on it

OP posts:
whatsitcalledwhen · 03/01/2024 21:20

I may be wrong OP but I think I've felt something similar before and can only describe it as feeling sort of un-anchored.

The feeling that you aren't sort of connected fully and securely to anything and so can't quite feel in control or trust that things will continue down a straight and steady path.

You sort of yearn for something familiar but when you realise that what is familiar to you is toxic and abusive, you're stuck in a sort of purgatory for a while.

Really hard to describe and I might be way off but I'm so sorry you're going through this and am listening to you. Lots of us are willing younok Flowers

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 04/01/2024 06:29

whatsitcalledwhen · 03/01/2024 21:20

I may be wrong OP but I think I've felt something similar before and can only describe it as feeling sort of un-anchored.

The feeling that you aren't sort of connected fully and securely to anything and so can't quite feel in control or trust that things will continue down a straight and steady path.

You sort of yearn for something familiar but when you realise that what is familiar to you is toxic and abusive, you're stuck in a sort of purgatory for a while.

Really hard to describe and I might be way off but I'm so sorry you're going through this and am listening to you. Lots of us are willing younok Flowers

Yes! I feel exactly that. During the day it's all busy and I feel I'm adjusting to it, as it's not much different, then as the day goes on the feeling creeps in.
I don't want what I had, but it feels like you describe. Its very very strange

OP posts:
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