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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone awake? DV

248 replies

Isanyoneawake44 · 20/12/2023 02:05

The police have taken my husband into custody not long ago, I have to stay awake so they can come back for a statement. Its DV related. He's also in the army.

Does anyone know what will happen now? We own the home jointly, will he be allowed back here?
I think I did the wrong thing, I can't do this.

I've got 3 children at home, no local support, am pregnant and have to make it through tommorow on no sleep.

OP posts:
JinxyJ · 30/12/2023 20:46

You did not put yourself in this position, your husband did. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, in fact you should be proud of yourself for making this brave decision and showing your children that being treated like this is not ok x

Whatineed · 30/12/2023 20:47

Op the army take DV very seriously. They are aware that the divorce rates are double the number of civilian ones and will do anything they can to support. Please contact your families officer and arrange a meeting. If you are near the base they'll do a home visit to you to see how they can support you.

Will the police hand this over to the military police do you know?

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 30/12/2023 21:07

It's currently with civilian police but his work are aware and welfare officer contacted me but run a duty service over Xmas
I'm also in touch with a support worker from SAAFA I've had for a while.

It's just getting through each day, I don't even know about the future. Each hour seems hard but then the days have passed in a blur.

I just feel so sorry for the children

OP posts:
Oxborn · 30/12/2023 21:07

This is absolutely not your fault never think that well done on looking at groups do think about doing the freedom program I found it good for me group is better than online

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 30/12/2023 21:14

I'm just angry, it's not my fault at all and he needs to face the consequences but here I am trying to hold it all together and pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 30/12/2023 21:19

Hold on to that. It’s not your fault and your children need a bit of that strength and assurance too. You’re doing so well. cxxx

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 30/12/2023 21:23

I just can't take my son fighting, and attacking. Removing him just doesn't work he won't stay where I.put him. Egg timers don't work, being firm doesn't work. Time out doesn't work.
Not a lot works... well nothing

OP posts:
NicholJO · 30/12/2023 23:38

Hi op I have been reading your updates please don't give up I know its hard I have been there worn the bage I left a emotional and very violent relationship with 7 children the oldest was 14 the youngest was just over 1 it was so extremely hard but honestly with all the bad times I had with the older children telling me I should take dad back he makes us laugh your boring I stuck to my guns honestly you will be OK 👌 I'm sending you a very happy new year

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 07:52

NicholJO · 30/12/2023 23:38

Hi op I have been reading your updates please don't give up I know its hard I have been there worn the bage I left a emotional and very violent relationship with 7 children the oldest was 14 the youngest was just over 1 it was so extremely hard but honestly with all the bad times I had with the older children telling me I should take dad back he makes us laugh your boring I stuck to my guns honestly you will be OK 👌 I'm sending you a very happy new year

Thank you that's what I'm having and then worrying about having a newborn.

I think I need to find some coping strategies and remind myself it's only a few days until nursery and school. I've got this far but it's hard to see in the thick of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 07:53

NicholJO · 30/12/2023 23:38

Hi op I have been reading your updates please don't give up I know its hard I have been there worn the bage I left a emotional and very violent relationship with 7 children the oldest was 14 the youngest was just over 1 it was so extremely hard but honestly with all the bad times I had with the older children telling me I should take dad back he makes us laugh your boring I stuck to my guns honestly you will be OK 👌 I'm sending you a very happy new year

Please may, if.you don't mind sharing, can I ask how everyone adjusted in the long term?

OP posts:
NicholJO · 31/12/2023 11:15

Hi op of course I Don't mind you asking. It took a long time for the oldest 2 my 14 year old girl was going through all the emotions not just with the breakup but typical girl stuff she settled after about 4 months I still had rough times with her but it was easier my 13 year old boy was brilliant he found it hard but he was my little rock. My daughter is in a violent relationship now and I blame myself for not leaving sooner so please op don't crumble it will be hard but it's best for you and the children x

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 11:45

Thank you so much for sharing.

Its all very difficult not being able to talk to him about moving forwards but just trying to get through the hours.

I've started with a more structured day today which seems to be working a little better

OP posts:
NicholJO · 31/12/2023 12:58

Hi op your doing the right thing 1 day at a time I understand it would be easier to talk to him I felt the same I was so confused for the whole off the 17 years I was with the ex I had no control over anything that includes money what was being done day to day what was for dinner it was so hard not being able to call him and ask what's happening today what am I cooking for dinner it all sounds so stupid now but that was my life for 17 years please stay strong rest as much as possible when you can I also understand its going to be harder when baby arrives but you can do this I promise x

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 13:52

Thank you, the thing is he's not controlling or that bad, he's a lovely person he just looses it sometimes

OP posts:
NicholJO · 31/12/2023 14:46

I'm really happy to hear he isn't controlling I'm honestly no being negative but he might be a nice person normally but he lost it enough for you to call the police I know its early days but have you thought about when his bail conditions are over would you like to try again at the marriage is you both want that then please tell him he needs to seek help first my best friend works for ss and honestly this incident will stay on record and if he's arrested again for violence to you please be aware they will give you the 3rd decree I know its your life your the only one that really knows your husband please don't make any rash decisions now

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/12/2023 15:43

Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 13:52

Thank you, the thing is he's not controlling or that bad, he's a lovely person he just looses it sometimes

Oh OP I worry so much reading this message that you're wobbling a little and looking back with rose tinted glasses.

He frightened you enough that the police got involved, your poor little girl had to give a statement, and strict bail conditions were put in place. None of that happens lightly.

You need to show the various agencies that might be involved that you're determined to prioritise the children by not continuing any relationship with this man now or in the future.

You sound so lovely, please don't take him back Flowers

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 15:48

I really don't think I want him back, but then what if that's the wrong decision etc I wish I had a crystal ball!

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas1988 · 31/12/2023 15:53

I am a crystal ball. It will happen again, maybe several times. You will have a few times where you won’t have the courage to go to the police. Then you will, and you will go through this process again except it will be harder as your parents and friends will be exasperated and you will feel ashamed you didn’t follow it through this time.

TheShellBeach · 31/12/2023 15:59

Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 13:52

Thank you, the thing is he's not controlling or that bad, he's a lovely person he just looses it sometimes

Honestly, you need to focus on how frightened you were the other night when he was arrested.

And what would you advise your daughter to do if she had a violent husband?
I think you'd tell her to divorce him.

I took my violent husband back time after time. He always promised me that he wouldn't hit me or shout at me again. But he always did.

I took him back countless times. It was ten years before I finally got the courage to break with him permanently.

Ten years wasted. Ten years of fear.

Ten years of assault and battery.

Don't be me. Save your children from this. Save yourself from this.

TheShellBeach · 31/12/2023 16:02

I am also a crystal ball and I agree with the previous crystal ball. This will happen again, over and over.

Your children will be terrified and you might get killed.

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 16:08

I do agree with you all, I really do.

Today has been a better day

OP posts:
NicholJO · 31/12/2023 16:12

Op I really feel for you I can remember all these emotions it's horrible and tiring I didn't look after myself for weeks it's like I was on autopilot I'm sure it's the same for you please look after yourself especially as your pregnant

Ansjovis · 31/12/2023 16:28

Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 13:52

Thank you, the thing is he's not controlling or that bad, he's a lovely person he just looses it sometimes

So how many times has he had the police called on him by other men when he "lost it" with them? Zero times? Yeah, you've got a husband who hates women, not a husband who "loses it sometimes".

Stay strong. You got this!

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/12/2023 16:51

Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 15:48

I really don't think I want him back, but then what if that's the wrong decision etc I wish I had a crystal ball!

You have a crystal ball in the form of statistics.

Men who do this do not change.

When it comes to this man, the only decision that prioritises your children is the decision to absolutely never be in a relationship with him ever again. Ever.

You want to put them first and that's how you do it Flowers

Original poster
Isanyoneawake44 · 31/12/2023 21:13

It does feel strange, anxiety has almost been non existant, intrusive thoughts aren't so bad, don't feel low, don't feel stressed, dont feel angry. I feel calm and somewhat in control of the long term even if not the short term.

It was a passing comment from my dad today that hit me like a lightening bolt

OP posts: