I am probably being a bitch, but...

[leopardleo]

...bear with me. Married to DH a long time - we are in our late 40's. 3 teenage kids. We met in our early 20's, both working - if anything he was slightly 'ahead' of me in terms of a career path, and certainly didn't have the impact of 3 maternity leaves.

Over the past decade years DH's career has totally stalled. He's pretty much earning the same as what he did ten years ago and we are now struggling financially. Tonight he told me how his new boss (a position DH was in line for, but didn't get) is 15 years his junior - he's 'young, dynamic, ambitious', the right person to lead the team, in DH's view - despite having significantly less experience than DH.

I feel awful to admit it, and I couldn't say it to my friends, but I have been finding DH's lack of success a complete turn off - and this conversation tonight just really cemented it for me. It's NOT about 'wanting' more money really - although it would make life easier. It's more about just finding this really unattractive - if DH had 'done his time' when he was younger and wanted to pass the baton, that would be fine, but (unlike this new guy) DH NEVER landed the big job.

Meanwhile I am scrimping and saving, working round the clock to bring in more income for us - AND our savings are all from an inheritance from both my parents dying within a year of each other, which was horrendous. I know that is not the point, but I feel like not only have I been through a rough time, I do everything to try to bring so much to the table, for us as a family, and he just...doesn't?

I KNOW everyone is different. I know this sounds like I'm a grabby gold-digger...but trust me, I'm not - it's more finding it frustrating that DH doesn't seem to care enough for us to push and strive. And yes, if he was a gentle type B character who was calm and lovely, but just not dynamic or clever, that would be another thing - but he isn't. He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

Sorry this is so long. Can anyone relate? I feel awful for feeling this way, but it's been a long time coming and I am so frustrated.

Did he actually want the promotion though? Leading people really isn't easy nor everyone's cup of tea. It's the bit of our jobs that dp and I moan about most.

If he's happy at his level, you're going to need to cut your cloth or keep pushing your own career to up your income. It is possible - I've got to senior leadership from a standing start when I divorced a high achiever and had 2 small DCs.

If you're not finding him pleasant to live with nor attractive, that's a different issue which higher income or status isn't likely to solve.

@hurlyburlygirly - really happy to keep pushing my own career. I work really hard in a pretty stressful industry and am always looking for ways to do more and earn more. But really - all of that is for us as a family. It’s ’let’s support the kids through uni’ income, not ‘buy myself a Chanel bag’. And it feels like DH just doesn’t really give a crap on that front - I find it so unattractive. It’s not helped by the fact so many of our friends are at the absolute top their game professionally and doing very well.

He is who he is. I'd try couples counseling if I were you. Envy is the thief of joy.

Maybe he is trying, but has failed?

Finding him ‘unattractive’ on these grounds says more about you than about him, I’d say.

@MissConductUS - thanks. He is who he is now, but I feel I was sold a bit of a lie tbh. When we got together he seemed straightforwardly driven and ambitious- someone who would work really hard to support the family we were building. That sense of solidness and drive was so attractive to me. (My Dad was unreliable with addiction issues, so I grew up with a sense of anxiety about money/house etc.)

DH did used to articulate his ambition. And even now it’s ’next year will be a good year’, ‘within two years I want to be in this position’. Never happens, and I resent it so much.

Not everyone should or want to be in management. Career isn't everything to everyone.

He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine.

I think this is the crux of the matter, more than the income.

My dh is what you might describe as a gentle type B character, but is still very successful at work (technical, not leadership) and earns very comfortably. So in my view it isn't necessarily correlated on personality.

I'd hate to live with a grumpy, mega important man.

No way on this planet do I ever want to be management, I really don't care what this says about me but I take my husaband as I find him and i expect the same in return

Maybe he’s just not good enough to progress? Not everyone is. It’s a bit like having an average child at school - they are who they are and you just have to come to terms with it.

How’s your career OP? If you’re ambitious can you scratch the itch directly and go for more promotions/money yourself?

Nah, can't relate. If he was a complete bum then fair enough but he isnt. You sound like you need a go-getter type and that may not be who he is. Some people just arent.

@KnittedPond - never sure quite how hard he tries in all honesty, but yes he does seem to fail at stuff ☹️

I’m sure somewhere deep down he feels battered and disappointed that his career hasn’t panned out in the way he’d hoped. I know that, and it’s part of the reason why I feel so awful about feeling this way about it.

He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

It’s this, not the lack of ambition or striving. You resent this.

Added to which, a dash of this:

(My Dad was unreliable with addiction issues, so I grew up with a sense of anxiety about money/house etc.)

Resentment is really dangerous. If I were you I’d make counselling (alone, for you) a high priority for those extra hours you’re working and striving for. Go and unpick it all with a therapist. At the same time try to make your DH step up more - cos you’re going to therapy so he should do more at home to allow you that time.

You’re not a bad person for having uncomfortable feelings.

It's not nice that you required him to play the "ambitious role" as a reaction to your own stuff, you should own how negative that it.

But him being grumpy and arrogant is awful. It doesnt sound like you like him and if you do most of the work at home that needs to change and may be the crux of the issue.

I think there's loads more to this story, such that no one here can give you answers. Speak to a therapist

How do you know he wasn't doing his best? You have a lot to be thankful for and yes you do sound like a bitch. Not saying you are one just from hearing one little snapshot of your life, but you did ask!

well said

@NoSquirrels - thank you. 🙏🏻 I know part of this is my problem - and I know people have the right to change as they get older. But DH did used to want to seem to provide for us, to build a lovely life for our kids. But now the talk of setting money aside for them has vanished, it’s a shrug and ‘they’ll have to get loans’.

I am doing everything in my power to make things better. Times are tough for everyone - mortgage hikes, big energy bills etc - but while I’m killing myself trying to earn more AND making changes to my own lifestyle, DH just isn’t doing the same.

Maybe he’s putting on a steely front but deep down he is disappointed and frustrated. Sometimes in work your face just doesn’t fit or sometimes you just aren’t good enough (or able to do what’s needed) to progress. Sometimes the people who progress are the ones who are more pally with management etc. I’m sure he has tried to progress but just hasn’t been successful. At least he is working and supporting his family. Not everyone does.

He sounds a bit depressed to me. Have you considered that, OP?

Just out of interest how much does he earn and how much do you earn?

@talkwalkyman - it’s not that I ‘required him to play the role of ambitious’ so much as twenty five years ago, he was ambitious and seemed keen to build a life together. I was attracted to those qualities in him and ultimately, I think that is ok? It’s not my ‘shit’ really - just self awareness. I was attracted to building a life with someone who was driven and solid and despite the fact we probably have 20 years until retirement, that seems to have gone.

Interestingly, my fil thinks this about my DH.

He's never forgiven him for dodging being MD & then going PT for pretty much the next 10 years, before retirement.

Fil did finish his career with a very big job & a gong, so the lack of drive shown is completely beyond him.

It rankles with DH as you can feel the unspoken vibe. Bottom line is that they are both retired, so it should not matter a jot...

I think you need to address this as it will become too big an issue for you in time.

I think it’s quite possible that it’s easier to blame yourself for feeling the ick than it is to look properly at how he’s not pulling his weight at home. You’re focused on the economics and ambition, as that seems quantifiable, but it’s his lack of recognition of your double-shift doing the parenting and worrying and refusing to meet you equally in it that’s the real killer.

OP you are getting a lot of harsh replies. I don’t think yabu, I would be disappointed to be married to someone who passively watches you striving away, takes the benefit of your work, and does not add any value or joy to life.

I think this isn't ALL about his job.

I think that you're resentful for picking up the bulk of the parenting and housework, plus working in a stressful job, whilst he only really has his 9-5 to worry about as you carry the rest of life's burden, yet he's a grumpy old man about it.

It's time to have a chat with him about roles around the house and if he takes more of the housework & parenting then he can stagnate in his career and you can push forward in yours instead.

It's completely fine for him not to be career driven, but he needs to even that lack of ambition up with being a more hands-on parent (which includes all the boring stuff like school runs, looking after sick kids, endless washing and cleaning etc).

It's also not fair for him to be a permanently sulky man-child when he's essentially being carried by you and everything you do for the family.