I am probably being a bitch, but...

[leopardleo]

...bear with me. Married to DH a long time - we are in our late 40's. 3 teenage kids. We met in our early 20's, both working - if anything he was slightly 'ahead' of me in terms of a career path, and certainly didn't have the impact of 3 maternity leaves.

Over the past decade years DH's career has totally stalled. He's pretty much earning the same as what he did ten years ago and we are now struggling financially. Tonight he told me how his new boss (a position DH was in line for, but didn't get) is 15 years his junior - he's 'young, dynamic, ambitious', the right person to lead the team, in DH's view - despite having significantly less experience than DH.

I feel awful to admit it, and I couldn't say it to my friends, but I have been finding DH's lack of success a complete turn off - and this conversation tonight just really cemented it for me. It's NOT about 'wanting' more money really - although it would make life easier. It's more about just finding this really unattractive - if DH had 'done his time' when he was younger and wanted to pass the baton, that would be fine, but (unlike this new guy) DH NEVER landed the big job.

Meanwhile I am scrimping and saving, working round the clock to bring in more income for us - AND our savings are all from an inheritance from both my parents dying within a year of each other, which was horrendous. I know that is not the point, but I feel like not only have I been through a rough time, I do everything to try to bring so much to the table, for us as a family, and he just...doesn't?

I KNOW everyone is different. I know this sounds like I'm a grabby gold-digger...but trust me, I'm not - it's more finding it frustrating that DH doesn't seem to care enough for us to push and strive. And yes, if he was a gentle type B character who was calm and lovely, but just not dynamic or clever, that would be another thing - but he isn't. He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

Sorry this is so long. Can anyone relate? I feel awful for feeling this way, but it's been a long time coming and I am so frustrated.

I hit the post button too quickly and it won't let me edit. So....

If you cannot handle another twenty years of his behavior, then you and he need to work out why he acts as he does and what he and you can do to make your lives happier for both of you. It's never just on one person in the marriage. It's all actions, reactions.

I really think counselling would help you both. You've been married a long time, but only you and your DH can decide if it's worth saving and improving.

There is often a mid career plateau for even very able people. I used to be very ambitious and career focussed. I can tell you that none of that mattered when my teenage son was diagnosed with cancer and subsequently my husband (completely unrelated cancers). I am very well paid in my current position but don't actually want to progress up the ladder which would mean abandoning my technical focus which is really the aspect of my job that I like most and which is much more likely to keep me employed. My husband retired a bit early and I am happy to support him. He has stepped up to help a lot more round the house and with our adult children who are in training and job seeking. I simply don't have the drive to push further up the ladder.

Of course I am older than you and we are financially very comfortable and the really expensive years with our sons as students is largely over. I plan to coast a bit for the next five years and retire. I want to spend as much time with my husband as we have left. It sounds like your husband is probably quite unhappy about his job and I wonder whether career coaching could help his prospects if that was something he was interested in. I suppose the difference is that I was always in a more lucrative field and I married my husband on the basis that he would generally be earning less because of the field he was in.

The other thing is that I wouldn't be so quick to think that others are doing so much better. Fancy job titles often don't translate to fancy jobs. People often put a brave face on things. I do think of marriage as a partnership where you have each other's backs and I am not sure you subscribe to that view. How would your husband react, for example, if you had to take a lower paid job? Would he be supportive?

more that drive for wanting to support the people you love that is important to me (which I also share).

This stands out to me. You have a background of trauma (child of an addict) that can create a feeling of instability and never quite trusting the future. Along came this man who was going to build a secure family and future with you.

Now the ground is shifting. He doesn't feel quite as reliable in terms of providing that financially or emotionally secure future. To someone who has been a victim of the inconsistency and instability of someone else's addiction, that's hugely difficult.

Therapy will help you unpick whether your feelings about him are more about your own issues or whether you accept that he has changed and you can live with it or want to separate.

One thing to think about though is that he may well know exactly how you are feeling about his career and lack of progress, even if you don't say it. It could be that his grumpiness is knowing that YOU don't think he is good enough. He will know what kind of person he was when you met and will know he hasn't achieved what he may have talked about. Maybe he feels a bit shit about that, but the person meant to be in his corner also makes him feel a bit shit about it too.

That is NOT me excusing him not stepping up at home though or saying it's a woman's job to support herself, her kids and her man-child. I'm in kind of the opposite situation to you: my DH is the one from the traumatic background. When he is feeling unsteady or shit is happening with his family, or we have a financial issue, he will become very critical of me and I end up feeling very resentful that despite him coming from a very negative background, he can think that I'm not up to scratch, that I'm not doing enough to make him feel secure (eg, left the house unlocked, lost some money, changed a plan at short notice).

You need to have a chat: there has to be a significant change in the split of household/child-based work to enable you to focus on your work (if that what you want to do) and the bonus could be that it actually makes him happier because he will see that you do value him as your partner.

This was me and my ex! Married for 25 years. When we got together I remember saying to him on our first date that I found his ambition attractive.
As my career grew he kept reducing his hours, wanting less stress, which is all reasonable except with a young and large family I had to keep increasing my hours and driving my career harder.
Twenty five years on I was earning 8x what he was and he was earning less than when we got together.
I was definitely sold a lie.
People do change but not that much!

Exactly this.

He sounds depressed. You're probably making it worse. You say he's not providing for his family. He is he has a job. Just because he isn't where you want him to be.

OP, maybe suggest a career and life coach for him.
Could be beneficial. Good luck x

Seems you kept your end of the deal, him not so much.

This happened to a friend.
The trouble is the young man who is now in charge and does not know what he's doing.
He's making cock up after cock uo.
My friend has now left for a new job.
They are finding it difficult.
Your dh may be saying it's ok but he definitely isn't ok.
He needs support not resentment.

You have my sympathy. My partner is loving and kind, but he has 0 ambition or drive. Its not just in a work perspective either, he has very few hobbies and things around the house don't get done and he's not an early riser.

All his motivation he needs from external sources, I am self driven (to the point of madness). Most of the time it works well as I rile him up and he calms me down but occasionally you do think, why am I the only one spending all the energy.

Have you spoken about this with him?

This!

It's like heads I win, tails you lose kind of thing.

If he was supportive of your career and made it easier for you to put the job first, then you might be more accepting of his lack of ambition. But it seems like you're the only one striving to improve the family situation and you're being sabotaged by his unwillingness to share the domestic and mental load.

I do think this is something you could really benefit from exploring in 1-1 therapy. Couples therapy is unlikely to work as I'm guessing he'd turn the tables on you and make it your fault.

The key phrase that stands out for me is that 'he doesn't care enough'. I know you're talking about his career but I wonder if you feel he doesn't care enough about you either. That can kill relationships.

Actually I think the OP sounds depressed and the husband is making it worse.

Why is women that have to always empathise and put their feelings last?

She's perfectly allowed to explore how she feels. It's not just a question of not being a success. It's about behaving like the big I-am and leaving her to worry both about the financial side and the domestic/children side. That's a total shit sandwich.

I don't think you are being a bitch. It looks like you were originally both moving towards the same goal but somewhere along the way, he took his foot off the gas and is coasting and no longer wants to get to where you want to get to.

OP, I get it. Knowing that my partner is competent, confident and successful at work is a huge part of what makes him attractive to me. I reckon a lot of women feel the same. I'm not going to apologise for that.

I think it is possible for him to get out of his slump – if he wants to. A different job, maybe. My partner spent too long in a shit job and it really ground him down. He couldn't get promoted no matter how hard he worked. It was miserable for him. It took him way too long to realise it. Once he moved to another company, his confidence came rushing back.

So seeing as you know all about it....when's YOUR major promotion coming along?

It would be interesting to know your salaries and sectors.

I think we have topped out on our salaries for our sector.

I got frustrated with my DH's career as he was going for jobs that he was more than capable of doing but kept getting pipped at the post by people who were more 'style over substance' said all the right sound bites but didn't have a clue, a bit like Boris Vs Jeremy Hunt.

Realistically, it sounds like your DH has got where he can in that company, if he wants to go higher he will have to move jobs.

That must be very disappointing for him.

At least he's got your full support. Oh, hang on...

Now the ground is shifting. He doesn't feel quite as reliable in terms of providing that financially or emotionally secure future. To someone who has been a victim of the inconsistency and instability of someone else's addiction, that's hugely difficult

This. Stability and security is hugely important to people who have been through trauma as kids and you were attracted to his ambition?- so what? we are ALL attracted to people based on our scripts from childhood, it doesn't make us "bitches" or bad people. That's why people often go for partners who are similar to their parents or conversely, the complete opposite. We all do this so I am a little surprised people are being so mean about this aspect as it applies to everyone whether we want to believe it or not.

I think the problem here is that his negative attitude is directly related to his lack of progression in work. Think of CEOs of companies or highly successful people- they usually have an unwavering self belief and they put themselves out there. If they get rejected, it doesn't dent their ego, they just keep on going knowing they will make themselves a success. I am not saying he should be a CEO, just that our attitudes towards life has a dramatic effect on the results we reap.

I think you should talk to him at a time when you are both calm, express your need for security and see if you can work together to come up with ways of enabling you to feel that within the relationship and also allow him to express what he feels he also needs. Agree with the suggestion of counselling. You aren't a bitch. What you are feeling is completely normal considering your childhood. Communication is key here.

I think you’re both unfair, and unrealistic. Promotion isnt just there for the taking based on how hard you work. It’s a competitive playing field. He hasn’t been successful in that career path and accepted it, there comes a point uou need to. It doesn’t mean he isn’t ambitious, or he didn’t try.

you want to be married to the man who has the big job. Who you see as important in his field. That is a deeply unattractive trait in a person. Shallow.

Marriage is a journey. Regardless of who earns what or has the more prestigious job, it's about the viability of the partnership; the acceptable and sometimes negotiated compromises. DH is a workaholic - he was a pretty absent father and when the dc were small I did everything. I went back to work, literally for pin money and an interest. Initially 18 hours a week (and got the dc up, took them to school, sorted the house and admin, homework, all school stuff). We both started at 6am and sat down at 9.30pm. Our non financial contributions seemed equal and we were a team working to the same goals.

There were times when he was a selfish bastard and I was an entitled cow but the good outweighed the bad.

What often strikes me when I read these threads is that I am quite sure I'd have become discontent had he he been untidy and expected me to pick up his pants for him. That would have driven me witless and it woukd have unbalanced the equation..

We all have our deal breaker. It sounds to me as though you feel the family and its security has been let down. Time for a stock take and repair. Papering over the cracks isn't enough.

Good luck. I hope you get back in sympathy with each other but if not, in your mid to late 40s you have a great deal of life ahead of you and you must grab it by the horns. First perhaps you need to find your own peace.

His attitude is more of an issue than his career success. Maybe your peer group is not helping either

FWIW in our friendship group it is very different

We are early 50s and I know two husband who have been made redundant from high flying jobs and are unable to get back into jobs so far, one has had stroke and is no longer able to read or write let alone work, some are at the top of their game though, but not all. One has long Clvid, another passed away last year. My own DH has not worked for over a year and does not want to play the corporate game anymore after burnout, and does not work AT ALL which puts an unfair amount of pressure on me I think but anyway you are unusual that you have such a high flying peer group I thjnk

In my book you have it rosy, financially, with both being employed. And maybe the kids will just need to get student loans likr everyone else. They may not even want to go to uni

Stop killing yourself and working so hard. Stay enjoying time with family instead

I'm great at my job but I'd make a crap manager. Maybe your DH is the same.

I am probably being a bitch, ......... do ya think ?.

I would be put off as well just by him being grumpy and acting like is job is the most important thing and your is less important. I know that for experience, my ex earned less than I was doing when we were together and that attitude in addition of not doing anything in the house killed my love and respect for him.
My ex was and is a goer, I'm going to this and going to do that. Never happened.

I don't have an advice as my relationship ended but I wanted to tell you that I understand how you feel.

OP I hope you feel better for getting this off your chest, you sound so frustrated.

Have you spoken to your hubby about how you feel, about how you are working and doing the lions share of the house n the kids, maybe this will help and it may make him think about pulling his finger out without spelling it out to him