I am probably being a bitch, but...

[leopardleo]

...bear with me. Married to DH a long time - we are in our late 40's. 3 teenage kids. We met in our early 20's, both working - if anything he was slightly 'ahead' of me in terms of a career path, and certainly didn't have the impact of 3 maternity leaves.

Over the past decade years DH's career has totally stalled. He's pretty much earning the same as what he did ten years ago and we are now struggling financially. Tonight he told me how his new boss (a position DH was in line for, but didn't get) is 15 years his junior - he's 'young, dynamic, ambitious', the right person to lead the team, in DH's view - despite having significantly less experience than DH.

I feel awful to admit it, and I couldn't say it to my friends, but I have been finding DH's lack of success a complete turn off - and this conversation tonight just really cemented it for me. It's NOT about 'wanting' more money really - although it would make life easier. It's more about just finding this really unattractive - if DH had 'done his time' when he was younger and wanted to pass the baton, that would be fine, but (unlike this new guy) DH NEVER landed the big job.

Meanwhile I am scrimping and saving, working round the clock to bring in more income for us - AND our savings are all from an inheritance from both my parents dying within a year of each other, which was horrendous. I know that is not the point, but I feel like not only have I been through a rough time, I do everything to try to bring so much to the table, for us as a family, and he just...doesn't?

I KNOW everyone is different. I know this sounds like I'm a grabby gold-digger...but trust me, I'm not - it's more finding it frustrating that DH doesn't seem to care enough for us to push and strive. And yes, if he was a gentle type B character who was calm and lovely, but just not dynamic or clever, that would be another thing - but he isn't. He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

Sorry this is so long. Can anyone relate? I feel awful for feeling this way, but it's been a long time coming and I am so frustrated.

I dont wish to sound bad here but I kind of understand why you may feel like this. I also understand pp who say it's you who has the problem. I'm being honest here by saying my DH is the complete opposite of everything you describe and I admit I find it quite a turn on. There are women who would find he is too motivated by power & success & would be turned off. I don't know how I'd react in your situation. I think I'd turn my mind to how much he loves me, how supportive he is, how he treats me & if we are compatible in 'all' other aspects of marriage. It sounds like you need a serious conversation.

OP are you me??? I could have written this exact post! DH makes less today than when we met 15 years ago, was recently passed over for a promotion he was clearly in line for, and ended up being paid down in this year’s recent compensation round. I think he is deluded about his future in this position. I can see how it’s going nowhere since ages. We are barely surviving financially and I am worried sick all the time. DH is not looking for any other jobs at this time and I doubt he ever will so we have years of having to make do with even less ahead of us.

His naïveté and lack of proactivity has changed some of my feelings for him sadly. I don’t know what the solution is but just wanted to say you are not alone

It is uncanny, we are in the same exact position down to the temperament of DH to all of this. Maybe it’s not such an uncommon pattern as I thought?

DH is exactly like yours: acts like he is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and talks a big game but constantly gets passed over for promotions and never fails to be paid down. But next year will be better, and there is a plan for the next years, and also none of this is his fault, it’s the markets… and so on. This is in contrast to how he came across when we met.

There's a lot of unnecessary hate toward you in this thread OP. There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to match your own energy and drive. Especially when it's to give your family a better life. It's not like you're sitting there wanting someone else to do all the work and provide for you, you want someone to meet you where you're at and that's entirely fair.

I would also be driven mad in your situation. I couldn't be with someone who just settled and didn't want anything more from such a big part of their life. That's what people in their late 70s and 80s do when they've done everything.

If he's not depressed, maybe it could be worth exploring with him what he'd particularly love to do work-wise, what would light him up and re-ignite his passion.

OP I’m wondering if your sense of security is warped from having such an unstable childhood. He may see that you are all doing well, managing, saving, and feels secure. Do you have different thresholds for feeling secure? Does his complacency trigger your worries that he will ‘let’ you lose everything?

Also, you saying ‘ I was sold a lie’ is interesting. Is it possible he has changed or you have changed? Why do you feel tricked?

I really think you need to discuss this with a therapist.

He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

At first I thought you were being unreasonable, until I got to this bit. I think you feel that he's not kept up his end of the bargain, OP. Many women will settle for doing more than their fair share domestically if the man is earning well. Your DH isn't doing that, which might be fine if he stepped up and pulled his weight at home.

You can't make him more successful in his career, but what you can do is end the domestic inequity in your home. Insist he steps up.

Why on earth does she need to see a therapist? She has a husband who isn't earning enough, causing money worries, not pulling his weight round the house, and dumping responsibility for both finances and domestic life onto her shoulders, while acting like he's Billy Big Bollocks. She doesn't need therapy - except maybe relationship therapy - he's clearly the problem.

So, you don’t think having an addict as a father could have had any impact at all?

And I’m not saying it is ok that he doesn’t do his share of the housework, but OP came on here because of his perceived lack of ambition. This may be the case, or perhaps OP has a deep seated sense of financial insecurity which is rooted in emotion.

And yes, if he was a gentle type B character who was calm and lovely, but just not dynamic or clever, that would be another thing - but he isn't. He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

So you're living a type B lifestyle with a type B output by your husband, who has a type A personality? Hence, all of the downsides to living with someone with a type A personality, but none of the benefits.

I can see why you'd resent that.

No advise but I hear you. My DH has no ambition or strive to better himself or make things better for us a family, he would rather just do without than work hard to get something. I find it very frustrating and a complete turn off. Same as you we met early 20's and wasn't something that bothered me initially but now we have kids etc and i feel like i'm working my ass off to try and make a better life for them and us as a family and he has no drive to do this

I wonder if he actually feels the same but can't see his way out of it. Perhaps he doesn't really find it fine that someone 15 years younger and with less experience was promoted above him but feels defeated and depressed about it and can't see his way out of his current situation so pretends he is okay with it. Often the way to get on is to move companies as we all know. The way to achieve that higher salary or better role is to move elsewhere. Your own company often takes you for granted and only swings into gear when you resign.

Is there any chance you could persuade him to look at what else may be out there?

Some people start out ambitious but find they are contented by a lovely family life and ambition wanes…

Time for a talk…

I sympathise OP. It sounds like he has all the negative traits of being a high earner (lack of time for childcare/housework, grumpiness, emotional unavailability, stress, work a priority, neediness) and none of the actual benefits (income, ability to outsource problems, status, fun).

Weird responses on here.

It’s what OP wanted to hear. And the other MN harpies.

It sounds like the dh has had to come to terms with the limits of his ability to cope with work stress and his personality possibly not being suited to leadership, and has just about got there with his acceptance that his new boss is the right man for the job. I think the OP gives him too little credit for having provided a steady income all this time, including through several maternity leaves - far better this reliability than trying to push for roles outside his actual personality fit and skillset, ending up in roles he cannot cope with and getting made redundant as a result. It’s all very well wanting him to push for more, but not fair to take stability for granted, imvho. He has been there when he was needed and didn’t gamble all when security of income was important to the family as a whole.

Given the ambition with which the OP’s dh started out, I expect there is a fair bit of wounded pride involved in his acceptance of his place in the work hierarchy, which might explain some of his less desirable tendencies to want to have his role to be seen as very important at home. I doubt it was that easy for him to accept a younger, more dynamic man was actually the best man for a job he knew his dw thought he ought to have got for himself years ago.

It's not like he's unemployed or even has a bad paid job. He's content. People change ....I'm sure he could make a few complaints about your too.

Well my father was an addict! But that's neither here nor there in this instance. The OP's problems have a much more obvious cause.

@leopardleo - I completely understand where you're coming from. Struggling financially whilst working your backside off, when your husband had ample opportunity to be in a better place - is just awful. You feel rightly resentful. One half of the partnership isn't pulling their weight and it's both really unfair and incredibly unattractive.

Therapy can help you work through this and explore options.

You've fallen into the trap of believing that therapy is about dealing with mental health issues or deficiencies. It's not. It can equally be a space to look at your life with someone neutral and non-judgemental.

I know what therapy does, thank you, I've had plenty. The poster was suggesting the OP needed it because she had issues she was projecting onto her husband, when it's abundantly clear that issues or no issues, he is the problem.

Yes and talking about him being the problem and working through how she can deal with that going forward, could be helpful for her. It doesn't matter why the other poster suggested it, it still could help the OP.

I think this is all relative- we don't know what the Op or her partner earn or do- if say he's a software engineer and they get £90k between them , but OP envisaged being that £150k or more couple with her doing a bit of part time - then yes she will feel she's not having the life she thought she would be having and possibly feels resentment for that. If he's stomping around with a moderate income being the big I am- she may well feel resentful of that too. OP clearly thought she was marrying a certain kind of go getter- and he just isn't

I would have a real heart to heart on this OP with no judgement if you still care enough - and by that I mean really think about what you do like about him

Some people get passed over because they are good technically and companies want them in a 'doer' role. Does he actually want to move up the ladder?? If he does and is secretly frustrated- I would start looking elsewhere- a new company may well see him with fresh eyes

If he doesn't and his get up and go has left the building , then I would think it needs a good chat and you have to either look at whether you are happy to work as you are, whether you need to make some lifestyle changes, whether you actually want the relationship, but bear in mind there's no guarantee you will be rushing off and meeting some good looking CEO either. Your kids will be fine- I don't believe in them not developing an understanding of part time work and student loans anyway.

Oh and if you have the heart to heart, tell him you feel under appreciated and dislike his grumpy moodiness and lack of feeling of pulling his weight in the house too- get it all out there

I suspect your H actually feels disappointed and embarrased in himself possibly and very much senses your disappointment too - and thats not helping either

Not everyone measures success by what they do for a living.
Maybe, as you say, he used to be that way. But people change and don't always stay the same person they were in their 20's.
Maybe he just wants an easy working life now, where he can switch off once he leaves work? No extra pressures.
You are pushing him to be something he doesn't seem to be anymore and it comes across stuck up, money grabbing, and shallow at best.
Back to my first line - not everyone measures success by what they do for a living.
YABU.

I don’t think YABU at all.

He doesn’t need to go into management to increase his earnings, but he can look for other jobs elsewhere to improve.

I couldn’t find a man who’s just ‘comfortable’ when you have children to raise and money is a concern, attractive at all. I don’t think that makes you a gold digger either.

You're not a bitch.

You want a partner, a man whose effort and contributions towards the family match your own.

That's completely fair, and I'd be resentful too in your shoes.