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Original poster

I am probably being a bitch, but...

178 replies

leopardleo · 18/12/2023 22:01

...bear with me. Married to DH a long time - we are in our late 40's. 3 teenage kids. We met in our early 20's, both working - if anything he was slightly 'ahead' of me in terms of a career path, and certainly didn't have the impact of 3 maternity leaves.

Over the past decade years DH's career has totally stalled. He's pretty much earning the same as what he did ten years ago and we are now struggling financially. Tonight he told me how his new boss (a position DH was in line for, but didn't get) is 15 years his junior - he's 'young, dynamic, ambitious', the right person to lead the team, in DH's view - despite having significantly less experience than DH.

I feel awful to admit it, and I couldn't say it to my friends, but I have been finding DH's lack of success a complete turn off - and this conversation tonight just really cemented it for me. It's NOT about 'wanting' more money really - although it would make life easier. It's more about just finding this really unattractive - if DH had 'done his time' when he was younger and wanted to pass the baton, that would be fine, but (unlike this new guy) DH NEVER landed the big job.

Meanwhile I am scrimping and saving, working round the clock to bring in more income for us - AND our savings are all from an inheritance from both my parents dying within a year of each other, which was horrendous. I know that is not the point, but I feel like not only have I been through a rough time, I do everything to try to bring so much to the table, for us as a family, and he just...doesn't?

I KNOW everyone is different. I know this sounds like I'm a grabby gold-digger...but trust me, I'm not - it's more finding it frustrating that DH doesn't seem to care enough for us to push and strive. And yes, if he was a gentle type B character who was calm and lovely, but just not dynamic or clever, that would be another thing - but he isn't. He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

Sorry this is so long. Can anyone relate? I feel awful for feeling this way, but it's been a long time coming and I am so frustrated.

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 19/12/2023 00:59

He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine.

This is the issue surely. A high salary would only soften the blow of his self importance and the fact he doesn’t see you as an equal. Even if he did have a higher salary, there’s nothing to say you wouldn’t still find his attitude a turn off.

Supersimkin2 · 19/12/2023 01:05

OP, you were always going to get slaughtered raising this issue on MN.

I feel for you, as most people irl would. It’s exhausting and frightening being tied to someone who doesn’t make the effort, or chaos creates at home, especially when you were brought up with it. I should know.

I shouldn’t think DH likes the lack of success much either.

As you suspect yourself, you’re hyperalert to the disadvantages - so do something about calming down. Get it in perspective. He’s got a job and he’s meeting his half of the bills. That’s ok. For now.

Then, and only then, talk to DH like you’re on his side. Be upfront about what you want for the family and the children. Ask what you can do as a team to make it happen. You might be surprised.

But if that conversation doesn’t go well - warn the children they’ll be out at 18 fending for themselves. Warn them calmly. Remind them you’ll help them with forms and small things, but be clear you’re not doing the middle-class parent thing because the money isn’t there.

Supersimkin2 · 19/12/2023 01:14

Sorry - when uni comes up as it will, explain to DH that he has the conversation with DC first. Not you. He doesn’t get to dodge that responsibility.

StartupRepair · 19/12/2023 01:28

I don't think you are being a bitch. I think you are responding to a shift in values or priorities in DH and that is very destabilizing. For you, the idea of working hard and getting ahead FOR YOUR FAMILY is deeply important and you thought you signed up to this as a couple. DH seems to have stepped away from this. Not sure what to advise as have been living something similar. What helps me is recognising and acknowledging everything DH does do.

Codlingmoths · 19/12/2023 01:48

HamBone · 19/12/2023 00:50

He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

Tbh, this sounds like the main problem, he’s not much fun to be around, is he?

id have to work on this bit. Next time he grumps about he HAS to do something for work, you step up. ‘You know what I hear every time you sound off like this? I hear you saying your job is more important than mine and you matter more than I do so I should do most of the family stuff and fit my job in too, while you get to stomp around being unpleasant and prioritise your job. If you haven’t noticed, I’m not on maternity leave, but I still seem to carry a lot of the load as well as working bloody hard at my job which I’m proud of. Could you take a minute to respect that, respect me, and think how to step up at home? Or there will be a lot more stompy grumping in this house and for a change it won’t be you. I’m fed up.’

LittleGlowingOblong · 19/12/2023 02:01

Do you think your DH might have low level untreated depression? Kind of sounds like it to me.

At one level or another, he’ll be very aware of how you’re feeling.

Having a partner that he knows is dissatisfied and exasperated with him is probably quite corrosive for him.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 19/12/2023 02:22

houseonthehill · 18/12/2023 22:52

Finding him ‘unattractive’ on these grounds says more about you than about him, I’d say.

I agree. I would far rather my partner be happy and content within himself than be ambitious and driven. Work is just work, nothing more.

Spencer0220 · 19/12/2023 02:39

I got married nearly 4 years ago. When we married DH really wanted to move up the ladder and earn more.

Our lives evolved and it became apparent that all DH's career goals just didn't suit him.

His old boss was pushing him to progress to management. When a new line manager took over, DH sat down with him and they decided to change his goals. Management is no longer where he wants to be.

He's in the same job, at the same level and honestly, he couldn't be happier. He's enjoying what he loves and is no longer feeling pressured by an uncomfortable elephant in the room.

I'm so proud of him for admitting his feelings and allowing us to budget etc. with this in mind.

Have you spoken to DH at all about how he actually feels?

Charlize43 · 19/12/2023 02:45

What if your husband can't advance because he is suffering from clinical depression or some other undiagnosed disorder?

Not everyone is career & money obsessed. Maybe what he has he feels is enough. Some people just aren't that interested in materialism, whereas others are never happy with what they have got as it is not enough.

I have a friend who's had the same low level job for 32 years and she's totally content.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 02:50

Sounds like the grump and misery is him trying to dull down your success and prompt you that actually his job is Important Job.... Start knocking him down a peg or 2....or when you pass him in earnings he will be even more of a man child.

TommyNever · 19/12/2023 02:53

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 02:50

Sounds like the grump and misery is him trying to dull down your success and prompt you that actually his job is Important Job.... Start knocking him down a peg or 2....or when you pass him in earnings he will be even more of a man child.

Or it may just be an inevitable reaction to living with a constantly discontented partner who is grimly judgemental of everything he does.

YukoandHiro · 19/12/2023 02:56

Two things going on here. I'll start with what I was going to say until I read the last paragraph;

Everyone changes so much over the lives. I imagine you'd admit you're no longer the person you were before you became a mum, or you were when you had only one child, or before you lost your parents? Every stage of life is a chapter and love, being married, is mostly a choice rather than a thing that just happens to us. Deciding to stay together, to stay married, means sticking with the person as they evolve - and there will be some iterations of the two of you that don't gel quite so much as others. It's a constant stage of flux. Just like you have to parent the child you have rather than the one you imagined, so you have to find a way to be with person you have chosen as they are - rather than who you thought they would evolve into, which was only ever a fiction too. Therapy is one option but just finding time to connect on common ground should help too.

On the other hand, you also wrote: "He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc."

I imagine this is the root of the problem. Did you take over the lion's share of the mental load because you believed you were stepping back to give him space to progress? Did he ask for this? Do you want to give it anymore? It's ok to change things around so they work better for you. I wonder if starting at a massive re-evaluation of how you organise yourselves at home as a couple will make a massive difference to how you both feel about each other. See if you can find a way to do that without linking it to him/his career failings (as you see them) so he doesn't come to it feeling criticised or attacked

YukoandHiro · 19/12/2023 03:01

And ps if anyone has a solution to the OP's point about her DH's emotional awareness of their kids' needs please can you tell me too.

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 03:08

leopardleo · 18/12/2023 22:52

@MissConductUS - thanks. He is who he is now, but I feel I was sold a bit of a lie tbh. When we got together he seemed straightforwardly driven and ambitious- someone who would work really hard to support the family we were building. That sense of solidness and drive was so attractive to me. (My Dad was unreliable with addiction issues, so I grew up with a sense of anxiety about money/house etc.)

DH did used to articulate his ambition. And even now it’s ’next year will be a good year’, ‘within two years I want to be in this position’. Never happens, and I resent it so much.

People change a lot in 20 years.

Lack of hustle would be a turnoff to me, too, but is he open to suggestions? Or just lazy?

Somepeoplearesnippy · 19/12/2023 03:41

I find this really sad. You married an ambitious man who hasn't achieved what he wanted. He's in the ignominious position of being passed over for promotion for a younger, less experienced candidate. He's mature enough to understand that the younger man is a better fit for the job but even so he must feel embarrassed and maybe even ashamed at some level.

Given his lack of success at work and his failure to achieve his stated goals it's not surprising he is acting like the big 'I-am' at home. He needs to bolster his ego somehow. It's not reasonable but it's understandable.

I'm willing to bet that the lack of respect you have for him is nothing to his own current lack of self respect.

You need to accept that this man is not going to achieve what you both wanted for him. There's no inherent shame in that. Not everyone can be a boss, in any organisation there has to be more team members than team leaders. Don't judge him for not rising to the top.

Focus on the family/relationship things. Renegotiate the division of labour. Get some paid help. Maybe get some relationship counselling.

suicune · 19/12/2023 03:54

Doesn’t sound like depression to me, due to the fact he is acting like his job is more important than OPs and as a result, he is more important. His attitude clearly stinks.

What should happen if he isn’t going to progress anymore is he steps back from work and steps up at home, allowing OP the time and energy to continue progressing in her line of work. It’s completely fine to decide you no longer want to progress, but you can’t have it both ways- you can’t cruise by in work but in the same breath pretend that you need your partner to do more at home to allow you to push yourself at work.

Somehow I can’t see him agreeing to this because it will hurt his ego, even more so if OP overtakes him in earnings.

I don’t think OP would have any problem with him deciding this is as far as he wants to go if he said to her “look, I’m actually happy where I am. Because I’m not pushing for promotion now I don’t need to be doing x, y and z. I can pick up more of the slack here so if you want to push on with your career, you have my full support and I will do as much as I can to support you in that”.

Instead, what OP is hearing is “I haven’t progressed but I will at some point in the future… hopefully… so I need you to continue doing a, b, c, d, e and f while I spend the rest of my working years doing this. If you want to progress that’s on you but I won’t be picking up any slack to facilitate that. I don’t really want to fulfil the plans we originally made regarding supporting the kids but if you want to do that then it’ll be on you to do it”

The fact his earnings haven’t increased is neither here nor there. It’s the attitude, the entitlement and the laziness that is clearly upsetting OP.

Richboy4488 · 19/12/2023 04:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Lampzade · 19/12/2023 04:14

Ju1ieAndrews · 18/12/2023 23:14

I think this isn't ALL about his job.

I think that you're resentful for picking up the bulk of the parenting and housework, plus working in a stressful job, whilst he only really has his 9-5 to worry about as you carry the rest of life's burden, yet he's a grumpy old man about it.

It's time to have a chat with him about roles around the house and if he takes more of the housework & parenting then he can stagnate in his career and you can push forward in yours instead.

It's completely fine for him not to be career driven, but he needs to even that lack of ambition up with being a more hands-on parent (which includes all the boring stuff like school runs, looking after sick kids, endless washing and cleaning etc).

It's also not fair for him to be a permanently sulky man-child when he's essentially being carried by you and everything you do for the family.

This

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 19/12/2023 04:15

If there's any sorry marriage may end, I'd see a solicitor pronto regarding trying to protect your inheritance.

landbeforegrime · 19/12/2023 04:19

You're nbu and not a bitch. it's not what you signed up for. he's either lied/tricked you into thinking he was going to work hard and be ambitious to achieve a certain level of financial comfort or he stopped caring (or felt he couldn't do it and gave up). Either way he's not offered an honest conversation about it but has continued to act as if he is the main breadwinner etc and it's not ok. he sounds like dead weight and a misery to live with. not attractive at all.

Twilight7777 · 19/12/2023 04:24

It almost sounds like now (in his eyes) the kids are more independent and capable of (to a degree) fending for themselves, he’s less bothered about pushing himself and has kind of gone ‘fuck it why should I bother when they don’t?’ Maybe I’m reading it wrong but it kind of sounds like he resents making an effort for kids that don’t make an effort for themselves? In my experience, Some men become complacent because they feel like they aren’t the priority anymore in the family.

paintingvenice · 19/12/2023 04:24

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Very few people want to work, but it is a fact of life that we have to. It is incredibly draining when you are striving to provide for your family and your partner isn’t putting in the same effort.

I can completely understand why you would find it a turn off when you are having to put in more effort to support the family when your “partners” isn’t prepared to put i. The same level of energy of meet you half way.

if you were saying he is incredibly frugal so doesn’t see the need to earn more that might be one thing- but he is happy to have a family that spends at the rate that requires more income-he is just happy for you to provide it.

it is exhausting, and of course if you are exhausted you don’t have the energy or capacity to find him attractive

Guavafish1 · 19/12/2023 04:27

you were wrong to put your career on hold.

I think you need couples counselling as it sounds like your resentment is leading to check out lane

MsCactus · 19/12/2023 04:32

Hottenan · 18/12/2023 23:07

Just out of interest how much does he earn and how much do you earn?

I'm interested in this too OP.

IMO it probably matters how high/low earning you both are as to whether you're "being a bitch" as you put it

Nanaof1 · 19/12/2023 04:42

Ju1ieAndrews · 18/12/2023 23:14

I think this isn't ALL about his job.

I think that you're resentful for picking up the bulk of the parenting and housework, plus working in a stressful job, whilst he only really has his 9-5 to worry about as you carry the rest of life's burden, yet he's a grumpy old man about it.

It's time to have a chat with him about roles around the house and if he takes more of the housework & parenting then he can stagnate in his career and you can push forward in yours instead.

It's completely fine for him not to be career driven, but he needs to even that lack of ambition up with being a more hands-on parent (which includes all the boring stuff like school runs, looking after sick kids, endless washing and cleaning etc).

It's also not fair for him to be a permanently sulky man-child when he's essentially being carried by you and everything you do for the family.

Perfectly said!

I agree that it seems the problem seems to be more of how he is behaving as a husband and father. Being grumpy, lazy, uninterested in doing his part with the home/family and self-aggrandizing behavior are not attractive traits and that's what you need to think about. Can you handle twenty more years of that behavior?