I am probably being a bitch, but...

[leopardleo]

...bear with me. Married to DH a long time - we are in our late 40's. 3 teenage kids. We met in our early 20's, both working - if anything he was slightly 'ahead' of me in terms of a career path, and certainly didn't have the impact of 3 maternity leaves.

Over the past decade years DH's career has totally stalled. He's pretty much earning the same as what he did ten years ago and we are now struggling financially. Tonight he told me how his new boss (a position DH was in line for, but didn't get) is 15 years his junior - he's 'young, dynamic, ambitious', the right person to lead the team, in DH's view - despite having significantly less experience than DH.

I feel awful to admit it, and I couldn't say it to my friends, but I have been finding DH's lack of success a complete turn off - and this conversation tonight just really cemented it for me. It's NOT about 'wanting' more money really - although it would make life easier. It's more about just finding this really unattractive - if DH had 'done his time' when he was younger and wanted to pass the baton, that would be fine, but (unlike this new guy) DH NEVER landed the big job.

Meanwhile I am scrimping and saving, working round the clock to bring in more income for us - AND our savings are all from an inheritance from both my parents dying within a year of each other, which was horrendous. I know that is not the point, but I feel like not only have I been through a rough time, I do everything to try to bring so much to the table, for us as a family, and he just...doesn't?

I KNOW everyone is different. I know this sounds like I'm a grabby gold-digger...but trust me, I'm not - it's more finding it frustrating that DH doesn't seem to care enough for us to push and strive. And yes, if he was a gentle type B character who was calm and lovely, but just not dynamic or clever, that would be another thing - but he isn't. He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

Sorry this is so long. Can anyone relate? I feel awful for feeling this way, but it's been a long time coming and I am so frustrated.

You are getting some harsh replies here OP. I don't think the promotion thing is the issue - it's the fact that you appear to be carrying all the worry and load for providing for the family and you feel he doesn't give a shit. If he took on more of the day to day stuff and could be honest that he's reached his limit work, would that free you up to do more with your career? He needs to feel that the non-paid domestic stuff is just as valuable as his paid role. Unfortunately many men don't and poorly define themselves by their job.

My DH is a type B but has been very successful in his career so its not personality type. I went back to work f/t in my late 40s and have had a complete career resurgence - my DH who has worked full time his whole career is now starting to wind down in work. The big difference is he's picked up what I've had to drop at home and he does way more for our teen DCs now which has been lovely for all of them. My DH's ego is not entirely defined by his paid job and that is the big difference.

This is the main issue I think. My DH sounds exactly the same. Only difference is that he hasn't really changed since we met. I didn't look closely enough, so now I just have to live with it! He hates all his jobs and is now counting down to retirement at 50.

I agree and I totally relate OP. I was in a very similar position.

He sounds deeply unattractive OP, he’s useless both at home and at work.

I would speak to a solicitor about your rights in the event of a divorce and if you can protect your inheritance.

This.

Perhaps he’s of the view that he isn’t going to set himself on fire to keep others warm. It sounds like he’s stressed out enough, not helped by coming home to have to fend off the judgmental OP.

I worked hard (despite a neglected and abusive childhood) to get into a demanding professional career. I’m good at what I do but have no interest in management. But then I’m a firm believer in the Peter Principle- everyone rises to the level of their own incompetence- and it’s best to know your limitations.

And by her own standards, why shouldn’t the OP’s DC get student loans? Surely with the OP’s mindset, they should choose their courses wisely for maximum graduate income, and get part time jobs to fund themselves rather than ‘coast’ along on generous support from mummy and daddy?

I wasn’t suggesting he is a bit down, I’m suggesting he might be depressed, which could explain a lot and would need some support and treatment. Lack of motivation can be caused by depression.

No I dont understand this. He has a job. If finances aren't enough to satisfy you why aren't you striving for promotion and reaching dizzy heights.

But him not doing his fair share of household stuff is a different issue. It shouldn't all fall to you. tbh he sounds depressed. Can't be much fun for him that the junior colleague got the job. Unless your DH didn't really want it.

Leave him. He is a failure. You deserve so much better than this. Secure your finances first to make sure he gets the absolute minimum. What a waster.

I do think the issue is your resentment around the unpaid labour all falling on you when he isnt fulfilling what you see as his end of the bargain. Why not get him to take on more of this and then you can have more time to focus on other things.

I would also imagine your worries from childhood are also fuelling how you feel.

I so agree. The OP's tone is unpleasant. That poor man.

This is gonna sound awful but from ur title I think you sound bitchy. Ur dh is who he is. You can be ambitious and want change in life, but it's not always easy. He didn't lie to you. It's what he wanted in life but unfortunately hasn't been able to achieve it. He is still working and bringing home money regardless.

To me, it sounds like you are trying to find something to be annoyed about. Love him for who he is. Don't worry about his occupation

I think OP is being judged a bit harshly due to inadvertently making this seem to be about money. I don't think it is.

There have been some insightful posts on here about the impact of childhood trauma and the wider issues of domestic chores balance. I think those are the most useful responses.

I just want to add that the way we view our life partner is very different to world view generally. I don't judge anyone else on what they do or how much they earn. Several of my friends have been on benefits and one of my longest term friends will never work again due to mental illness. She's worth more than 1000 well-paid CEOs. I'm also very tolerant of views or behaviours quite different to my own when it comes to friends, family or acquaintances.

Less so in a life partner. I think this is one of the most conditional/transactional relationships people have to be honest. And I don't think that's a bad thing. Love conquers all is fairy tale fiction. Without blood ties or family history what keeps people together in tough times? It's a bond, and you only get that if you work as a team. I look at mine a bit like a job. I reflect on it quite regularly and have regular 'job chats' with DH. Far from being cold and businesslike like, it keeps us connected and our goals aligned. When it's carried out with love and respect it actually works to prevent one from taking the other for granted and keeps you working as a team.

The trouble with the OP's husband is that he's changed the goalposts unilaterally and it's happened so long ago that the lack of connection has fuelled resentment rather than concern for his mental wellbeing. If there had been better communication and the OPs DH was taking a back step due to burnout and she knew and believed this, she'd probably have a very different reaction.

None of us know if DH stomping around the house is an example of a selfish man with an overinflated ego and male privilege or symptomatic of an otherwise good man who is struggling and expressing it badly. Possibly if the connection is so poor, neither does the OP but she probably knows her H better than we do. People's views and goals change over time but their basic character far less so. OP needs to think back to what he was like earlier in their marriage and see if she wants to reconnect with that man.

Good luck OP.

This is wrong. Y should she leave him? Because she is resentful for having low hours during mat leave and things falling onto her during those times.. everyone is different. I'm a mother of 4 eldest 15 and youngest being 2 weeks old. Unfortunately I had to take mat leave, hubby working non stop to provide for us too. Ops hubby is working and doing what he can

Well you seem nice!

I understand what you are saying op, but sometimes things and people just change. When I got married, I had a degree and a Masters and was very ambitious. My husband didn't have either and was happy in an entry-level job with prospects if he wanted them.

Fast forward two dc and many years later and I took maternity leave and the knock on effect that had on my career and stayed at the same level I went in at after my Masters. This is the only way I could physically and mentally manage work and family life, while supporting my husband to progress in his career.

He did just that and got to management level and good pay. His work also took over and he had an affair with a colleague because I was "no fun" and we are now divorced.

My dp of 4.5 years is in a decent job, which pays fine. He took a higher paid, management job last year after feeling he should be further in his career at his age than he was and within 2 months his mental health was severely impacted and we were both stressed and unhappy.

After discussions, he left that job to go ack to the same level he was on before and he is so much happier and easier to be/live with.

My kids are going to have to get loans if they go to uni, and later in life if I can afford to help them out with repaying them then I will but hey are in no worse position than most people their age. My parent's weren't exactly poor growing up but I still had to get student loads and work so I don't think it will damage my dc to have to do the same. I cannot work myself/my dp to the bone physically and mentally so that my dc don't have to get loans to help them through uni.

Just be careful what you wish for is all I'd say. Management isn't for everyone - I know I don't want to do it so will stay where I am in terms of pay but I have my health, my relationship and enough to get by.

I disagree with the posters that say OP
Is being Unreasonable.

I read it that:
The OP has been slogging all these years to get the best for the family
Sometimes that meant not going to work by being on maternity leave but it was definitely slogging
Sometimes that meant working in a lowly job but slogging at home with ensuring the family were right- homework, dinner, clean uniform, life admin
Now OP is back in proper work so slogging in work and slogging at home but DH is basically acting like they are the still the main provider. But actually things are equal and that DH is still allowing all the home admin to still fall to OP
Meaning that OP is resentful that if they are doing all the slogging at home that DH should have stepped up more at work and have something to show for it.
Instead he is happy to take a backseat at work as well as at home.
I think that's quite unattractive too OP.

I know this will not help much but you do need to buy that channel handbag.This is because you must recognise that it will represent that you too are a person who needs care who needs praise who needs appreciation. The thing is we forget about who we are in our support for our families needs and its wrong.We are equally deserving if not more so for holding it down and keeping it together.It is not about everyone else constantly its about you too being as important and as deserving as anyone else. I hope you understand what I mean. Stop giving for everyone take a little for you too please.

i think you had a lifestyle in your mind of where you would like to be at this age and your husband hasn’t reached your expectations. I also think you compare yourself to your friendship circle and can’t compete!! I can see where you’re coming from ( my next door neighbour is the same - always striving for more jealous of her friends lifestyle must be exhausting??? ) anyway - I don’t think you’re a bitch but I do think you need a good chat with your husband - he probably feels depressed and emasculated.

Sounds a bit like you have an image in your head of who you want to be, both individually and as a couple. You want to be the wife of a successful man and together you want to be a well-heeled couple that fit in with your friends. Only he’s not taking the role you want him to and that you felt he promised to become. The narrative of your life isn't going as you had planned.
If I am right, maybe set aside the image and focus on his personality instead.

It could be that he doesn’t want the stress over what he sees a little increase in salary. In his eyes you are not in a dire financial situation that requires drastic steps as you said yourself you keep pushing forward. It’s possible that if you were both in a different stage in life with young children and you were a SAHM he would rise to the occasion and find that drive. He might be lacking that drive because he is content with older children that don’t require as much, a wife that works really hard and is contributing very well financially and he feels older with less energy to do his absolute best. He might want to slow down at this stage in life and enjoy it. It’s all about context. Different situations will bring out different sides of people. Instead of you doing so much giving the drive to contribute equally it’s actually doing the opposite. Making him feel content…

This.

I actually think you can get past a mis-match in ambition to some degree in a relationship, but if he’s an arrogant fun sponge, I’d struggle to forgive the lack of ambition too.

Yep

It's a bit hard to tell from your post whether he has simply not hit the big time because he ultimately just isn't good enough (only a small percentage of people, statistically and logically, can make it to the top of the pyramid!), or because he's not tried hard. If the former then it's not fair to feel resentful, if the latter, I do understand it, because it will feel like a lack of motivation and care towards you and the rest of the family... And also because I totally understand that ambition and drive are in themselves incredibly attractive qualities, to me. When someone says, I want to achieve xyz, and then goes and DOES it, I find it soooo attractive. And it really isn't about money per se. One person I can think of that I find incredibly attractive for this reason is someone who wanted to give up almost all their possessions and live an itinerant and artistic life - they have almost no things and very little money but they have achieved something they set out to do and which takes real courage and hard work, and I find that so admirable and appealing! So I do know the two are distinct, if interrelated.

I don’t think you are a bitch but I think you are disappointed in your DH and rightly so. You put your career on hold in early children years, you are covering so much: parenting, emotional support, planning for the future, your job, progressing on the job, even some additional financial security you’v Ed got is because YOU lost your parents whereas your DH only does his job and not actually making a maximum effort in it and then he comes home and he is grumpy, he basically shows that he doesn’t care about kids future, your efforts etc
My DH is not at the very possible top in his area. He could be higher but he didn’t want to as it would affect our family life significantly. But I don’t feel any sort of resentment as DH works really hard for our family life. I don’t feel that he is not pulling his weight, he absolutely does. He never put any demands because of his important job, he is reasonably grumpy (I’m probably more)
I thought from your post that you are exhausted and unsupported. Your marriage doesn’t feel like an equal partnership, it’s very unbalanced towards you having a heavier load. It’s not fair and it makes your DH looking very unattractive.

Yep, exactly this. I am ambitious in my career so would find it a slight turn off to be with someone who wasn't but it's not clear whether this is actually the case with the OH's husband and he's ambitious but not very good at his job, or just not ambitious. I assume the former from what she's said, and I would worry about that if I was in her position too. Combined with the fact he's an arrogant grumpy fun sponge who thinks his job is more important than hers, despite not being good at it, it sounds like this marriage is no fun at all.