I am probably being a bitch, but...

[leopardleo]

...bear with me. Married to DH a long time - we are in our late 40's. 3 teenage kids. We met in our early 20's, both working - if anything he was slightly 'ahead' of me in terms of a career path, and certainly didn't have the impact of 3 maternity leaves.

Over the past decade years DH's career has totally stalled. He's pretty much earning the same as what he did ten years ago and we are now struggling financially. Tonight he told me how his new boss (a position DH was in line for, but didn't get) is 15 years his junior - he's 'young, dynamic, ambitious', the right person to lead the team, in DH's view - despite having significantly less experience than DH.

I feel awful to admit it, and I couldn't say it to my friends, but I have been finding DH's lack of success a complete turn off - and this conversation tonight just really cemented it for me. It's NOT about 'wanting' more money really - although it would make life easier. It's more about just finding this really unattractive - if DH had 'done his time' when he was younger and wanted to pass the baton, that would be fine, but (unlike this new guy) DH NEVER landed the big job.

Meanwhile I am scrimping and saving, working round the clock to bring in more income for us - AND our savings are all from an inheritance from both my parents dying within a year of each other, which was horrendous. I know that is not the point, but I feel like not only have I been through a rough time, I do everything to try to bring so much to the table, for us as a family, and he just...doesn't?

I KNOW everyone is different. I know this sounds like I'm a grabby gold-digger...but trust me, I'm not - it's more finding it frustrating that DH doesn't seem to care enough for us to push and strive. And yes, if he was a gentle type B character who was calm and lovely, but just not dynamic or clever, that would be another thing - but he isn't. He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

Sorry this is so long. Can anyone relate? I feel awful for feeling this way, but it's been a long time coming and I am so frustrated.

Fine line between a depressed dh and a twat.... Ime

Hi op - there are some odd views on this thread!!! You are entitled to your views - I get what you are saying - it is unattractive - can you talk to him or go to counselling with or without him. Have a look at Adult children or alcoholics and dysfunctional families - people who grew up with abuse and addict behaviour carry lots of traits - ie having an over developed sense of responsibility- plus many more - you appear to be carrying it all - he needs to do more so you can see a value in him - at least as your equal. 🌺

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all - he sounds like a freeloading twat tbh who wants to opt out of being a responsible adult. Yes, people can change, but at that point the OP is free to reevaluate her relationship.

I think you need to readdress the balance at home and the mood at home as the priority.

I would also say that your not in his workplace and maybe he has realised that the extra pressure and stress is not worth the promotion. I used to be mega ambitious and I'm good at my job. I used to want to progress but actually now seeing it and the additional work load it's definitely not worth it! I've had several colleagues and a manager try to talk me into applying but I know I would be miserable.

Not everything in life is about achieving the next thing then the next on some sort of ladder.

It does make you sound like a bit of a bitch but if it makes you feel better I have the same feelings.

Although I've accepted that I should have waited a couple more years to have children because then I would have out earned him and he could have taken the paternity leaves and gone part time whilst I continued. I also accept that I am a natural manager type so its frustrating for me to see someone not taking those opportunities. DH is just not like that so I've got to learn to accept it.

DH doesn't seem to care enough for us to push and strive. And yes, if he was a gentle type B character who was calm and lovely, but just not dynamic or clever, that would be another thing - but he isn't. He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc

Ifeel like this is the bit that people are missing. He stomps about like he's somebody but won't actually put the work in. It grinds you down carrying someone who talks the talk but can't be arsed to walk.

When I started challenging exDH to match his talk or match my effort in our relationship, work nd for our family he became abusive. He is so angry that j tok his free ride away. Now I'm with someone who puts the work in and we're building an incredible life. If you think he's holding you back then free yourself. You can't change him and I personally, don't believe in staying together for the kids any more.

Yep, go away for weeks breaks alone.

I started leaving the home, working overseas, and generally not being around, i told the teens why.

I made Friday evening non negotiable family nights, so he started to arrange go karting, cinema, meals out.

Just by giving structure and a clear "time" he build a relationship with them, started to see them as people not kids and started to understand how important he is to them and he was missing crucial milestones by being lazy.

Sounds like your dh is just coasting.
@leopardleo Is he immature in some ways? my df was and never really got on in work because if he was told to step up he would have a massive strop. My dm used to be frustrated too.

Yes, you are acting fussy.
Can you not, in gentle conversation, extend the topic when DH talks about promotion? Do you encourage him and ask if there is anything you could assist him with - helping him find a subject to study or suggesting that even if he doesn't get promoted maybe he could do a few hours of over tine each week to help pay for kids XXX?

Otherwise, you could leave him to do the bulk of the child and home extra stuff and speed onwards and upwards in your career. The explanation of why DH then needs to lift his game on the domestic front he would surely find logical.

One of the problems with many workplaces is that to get a decent salary you have to be a manager or director, just being the best most experienced and effective worker/engineer/salesman... won't get you much above 40k in most companies.

In my earlier career wanted desperately to be technical manager, because I thought it was the badge that said I was the best metallurgist in the department. Once I was "it" I realized it meant no such thing and that I was effectively removed from the technical work I enjoyed for 70% of the time.

This. It’s understandable that you want your partner to pull their weight in terms of income, but if they don’t, or can’t, then I think there needs to either be some acceptance on both parts and then some lifestyle changes - I agree with the poster above re picking up more household and childcare tasks. Can you delegate some of the things you are doing at home to him?

Can you think of five things he brings to the marriage or family? Is he a good Dad? A supportive partner? Generous or tightfisted? Was he good when your parents passed (sincere condolences ) or did he add more stress to the situation? I know the earning seems to be the final straw but what exactly does he bring to your life that's positive? Is this just years of resentment popping up? I would also recommend counselling if it's something you want to save, but I'd really look at what you're both getting from this marriage. Is he happy?

Some people are happy where they are so don't bother pushing themselves for "the big job". I'm not like that, working my way up management and having a child didn't stall me. My DP is in the same role he was years ago because he just doesn't want the added stress/ pressure. I don't feel particularly negative about that, if he's comfortable where he is but would be good for him to push a bit more. Communicate with him and explore why this is such a big deal to you.

You say 25 years ago he said he was ambitious, that's a long time and a lot changes when you have a family. Perhaps progressing and invariably taking on longer hours, more stress and whatever else isn't an appealing or as achievable as it once was. I grew up with an abusive addicted parent so I do absolutely get why it's important to you; but it sounds like he has had a stable job that has brought in a stable income its just that it doesn't match with what you want from him. Perhaps now you're just not compatible, it's not just the job you've mentioned afterall.

This ⬆️⬆️

It's not about money or 'position' but probably more to do with feeling like he's doing his best for your family (as you are) and feeling disappointed that he isn't moving forward. I get that totally!

Some of us want a 'hunter/gatherer type' (yes, really!) and feel like something is missing if that drive is not there.

I don't think your DH is depressed, OP. I think he's seen you competently dealing with life (three pregnancies, career progression, coping with the lion's share of the household/kids work) and decided that he's onto a good thing and he can now rest on his laurels.

But he doesn't want you to get above yourself, so keeps you in line by throwing his weight around, telling you how terribly busy and important he is at work, more important than you, so can't possibly be expected to do the 'women's work' at home to support you as you push ahead.

He possibly identified these traits in you early on and said all the right things to ensure he snagged himself an easier life. He wouldn't be the first person to promise all kinds of things to get what he wanted.

I'm not surprised you feel resentful.

I hear you. My dad was a bit like this. Very talented engineer but settled in a company where he was treated badly, never progressed, never challenged them, never moved on even when he had amazing opportunities. I out-earned him 3 years after graduating which was madness considering his experience. We struggled for money so much as a family. My mum did all the housework, cooking and child rearing, one kid with SN and fitted in part time/night work. I can't shake the feeling that he could have done more to make all of our lives less difficult, more comfortable. Once the kids were grown up my Mum pursued a successful career and they finally had financial security and money for luxuries. He would have a few drinks and cry about how hard his life was but he wouldn't do hard things or make himself uncomfortable for a short period (e.g. starting new job) so our lives could be better.

A friend of mine has been through exactly this. Her DP always looked as though he would be getting an exec job, or becoming a partner in a start up, but then nothing seemed to come of it or he would be let go. He's been let go three or four times, so it feels now as though he is unsuited to those roles. She has had to step up and now works very long hours in her career but has little time with her kids. It's definitely not the marriage they thought it would be and my friend had expressed her disappointment to me about it. She is the natural leader out of the two of them but she feels now that he has lost confidence and given up pushing himself which has saddened her. I think the love is still there but my friend is having to now cope with the changing dynamics of it all. I guess when we get married we do it for better or for worse, richer or poorer, but I think your DP should now be taking a bigger lead at home, as my friend's DP does, and should be more of a supportive partner in that way.

the ‘grumpy and mega important’ bollocks would do my head in, especially when he’s no Gordon Gecko. I earn well and DH brought in half of my salary when we met. I made it quite clear I would expect him to step up. He has now more than caught up and now both DH and I shoulder a lot of pressure in our roles, but we are comfortable financially and wfh most of the time, so, we have plenty of time to spend with our son. This is super important to us as a family. I would give up work if my career started to affect my son’s happiness. DH would seek promotion to make things easier financially.

However, DH is currently flying high in his career and his boss is trying to encourage him to go for MD but he simply doesn’t want the extra stress and we don’t really need the money. I'm behind him on this decision. There is more to life than admiring the zeros in your bank account and a fancy title. We feel that as long as we can sustain our current lifestyle, why strive for more stress, less time with the family.

aside from more money being helpful for your family, perhaps your DH feels like this. That you have enough so why bring more work strain to the household. Especially when he can barely cope with the current career stress he faces. I do get you though, so, YANBU. my DH’s efforts for our family is hugely attractive. Oh, and he’s never ever grumpy or mega important!

Marriage Counselling is probably the best Christmas present you can give yourself this year. Definitely get this out in the open as you sound critical and bitter.

I certainly wouldn't feel 'bad' for feeling the way you do. Listen to your feelings, they are telling u something. Pay attention and try to get to the root of it.
I have been married for 32 yrs , with plenty of ups and downs. Bring em on, we have got through every one of them...so far! Thats gives me heaps of confidence in 'us.'
In your situation, I have taken the stance of telling HIM how I feel. This on a number of occasions had led to BAD rows in the past. When younger I want tactful and I would absolutely not hold back and say ' I find it so unattractive that you are .....etc'
Not a good approach I know that now and it led to very defensive behaviour on his part. Fast forward many yrs on, when I find a retain 'behaviour; unattractive,I will most def STILL let him know, as he does me too, but there is no criticism involved now. I make a REQUEST for a change in behaviour and it is given lovingly with no insistence that he changes it. Working a treat!!!!
I does mean I too have to be open to hearing what he finds unattractive in my behaviour too. And I most def want to hear that too!

My dad was exactly the same and I never understood it. He was really talented, very intelligent and highly qualified. Yet, for some weird reason he never progressed, never tried, never took any considered risks, always stayed in the mediocre "safe" position but then at the same time used to constantly complain about colleagues who surpassed him, and his lack of earnings etc. So, it wasn't like he enjoyed being in his role because he did not.

Even as a kid I used to wonder why he never tried anything if it bothered him so much and it absolutely baffled me. His colleagues got to those positions because they actually applied and tried but he never did. It was very frustrating for my mum as we struggled with money and he was always complaining about it but at the same time, would never do anything about it!

I made the choice to do the opposite and now I own a successful business. I think this is why it really irritates me now when people moan about their life but refuse to take action to improve it. (I am not saying its easy btw, but you can't constantly complain about something year after year if you aren't willing to do something to improve it).

Not sure there's much progress as a road sweeper really.
Loads of people can't or don't want to progress in their carer and I think it's sad that you're judging him on how much he earns.
So what if he had different goals at one time? Perhaps he just doesn't want to progress anymore and if he did you might well be annoyed because he'd never be at home or see the kids.
He probably talks about progressing to stop you nagging. Have you actually asked him with no judgement or anger if he really wants to progress or is happy now?
I suppose if money and progression is that important you'll have to decide if you want to stay with him.

He’s grumpy and high maintenance
Like many others, I think this is the real issue. Who has the time or energy to cater to a competent adult who behaves like this?

Wow I feel really sorry for your husband.