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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am probably being a bitch, but...

178 replies

leopardleo · 18/12/2023 22:01

...bear with me. Married to DH a long time - we are in our late 40's. 3 teenage kids. We met in our early 20's, both working - if anything he was slightly 'ahead' of me in terms of a career path, and certainly didn't have the impact of 3 maternity leaves.

Over the past decade years DH's career has totally stalled. He's pretty much earning the same as what he did ten years ago and we are now struggling financially. Tonight he told me how his new boss (a position DH was in line for, but didn't get) is 15 years his junior - he's 'young, dynamic, ambitious', the right person to lead the team, in DH's view - despite having significantly less experience than DH.

I feel awful to admit it, and I couldn't say it to my friends, but I have been finding DH's lack of success a complete turn off - and this conversation tonight just really cemented it for me. It's NOT about 'wanting' more money really - although it would make life easier. It's more about just finding this really unattractive - if DH had 'done his time' when he was younger and wanted to pass the baton, that would be fine, but (unlike this new guy) DH NEVER landed the big job.

Meanwhile I am scrimping and saving, working round the clock to bring in more income for us - AND our savings are all from an inheritance from both my parents dying within a year of each other, which was horrendous. I know that is not the point, but I feel like not only have I been through a rough time, I do everything to try to bring so much to the table, for us as a family, and he just...doesn't?

I KNOW everyone is different. I know this sounds like I'm a grabby gold-digger...but trust me, I'm not - it's more finding it frustrating that DH doesn't seem to care enough for us to push and strive. And yes, if he was a gentle type B character who was calm and lovely, but just not dynamic or clever, that would be another thing - but he isn't. He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

Sorry this is so long. Can anyone relate? I feel awful for feeling this way, but it's been a long time coming and I am so frustrated.

OP posts:
Original poster
leopardleo · 18/12/2023 23:19

@cezannesapple and @Serene135 - yes I’m sure he is a bit down, but in this case was insistent that it was ‘totally fine’ that a guy 15 years younger was hired over him. I know experience isn’t everything and this man is obviously just better for this role. Annoying, but it is what it is.

trouble is, this sort of thing has happened a lot over recent years. It feels awful to think DH might just be a bit crap at his job - and I just find that sad and a turn off. Sometimes I think that I wouldn’t mind if he was a road sweeper - as long as he did brilliantly at it and kept progressing!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 18/12/2023 23:21

Ju1ieAndrews · 18/12/2023 23:14

I think this isn't ALL about his job.

I think that you're resentful for picking up the bulk of the parenting and housework, plus working in a stressful job, whilst he only really has his 9-5 to worry about as you carry the rest of life's burden, yet he's a grumpy old man about it.

It's time to have a chat with him about roles around the house and if he takes more of the housework & parenting then he can stagnate in his career and you can push forward in yours instead.

It's completely fine for him not to be career driven, but he needs to even that lack of ambition up with being a more hands-on parent (which includes all the boring stuff like school runs, looking after sick kids, endless washing and cleaning etc).

It's also not fair for him to be a permanently sulky man-child when he's essentially being carried by you and everything you do for the family.

Yes, this says what I was trying to say so much better.

Also I think this is interesting:

I know part of this is my problem - and I know people have the right to change as they get older. But DH did used to want to seem to provide for us, to build a lovely life for our kids. But now the talk of setting money aside for them has vanished, it’s a shrug and ‘they’ll have to get loans’.

When I said you should get therapy I wasn’t saying it was ‘your problem’. I was saying that you need to work out exactly what it is you need from him - and it’s almost certainly not as simple as ‘get a promotion’ - and that you need a counsellor to unpick that with you. I’m saying ‘there is a problem to solve’ not ‘you are a problem’ or ‘he is the problem’.

You can only change your own behaviour and reactions and how you relate to other people. You can’t change him or make this a ‘him problem’, which is sort of how you’ve slightly adversarially framed it (and why you’re getting harsh responses) when you say ‘he used to be different.’

ActDottie · 18/12/2023 23:34

houseonthehill · 18/12/2023 22:52

Finding him ‘unattractive’ on these grounds says more about you than about him, I’d say.

This. Makes me feel a bit sad for him :(

Original poster
leopardleo · 18/12/2023 23:38

@Ju1ieAndrews - you are so right, thank you. I think because I did the maternity leaves and went on reduced hours when the kids were small, the majority of the domestic stuff fell to me - and though I’m now working just as much as him, the majority seems to fall to me.

He is not totally useless on the home front thankfully - he does pull his weight with some of it, but it still feels imbalanced. And I don’t know how we’d ever change the emotional awareness around the kids - who is where/when, if someone is annoyed and why, remember to get the trip consent form in etc etc - that’s all me, and it is so tiring.

OP posts:
ComfyBoobs · 18/12/2023 23:41

The problem is that a 20-something making these grand life plans has no idea about how much they will enjoy their job or how good they will be at it or how tired they’ll be in their 40s when they’re also juggling a family. You just don’t know until you are doing it and then you realise it bears no relation to the vision.

A couple of people have asked but you’ve not answered: how do your earnings compare to his, and how far have you progressed in your own career?

whyamiawakestill · 18/12/2023 23:43

leopardleo · 18/12/2023 22:52

@MissConductUS - thanks. He is who he is now, but I feel I was sold a bit of a lie tbh. When we got together he seemed straightforwardly driven and ambitious- someone who would work really hard to support the family we were building. That sense of solidness and drive was so attractive to me. (My Dad was unreliable with addiction issues, so I grew up with a sense of anxiety about money/house etc.)

DH did used to articulate his ambition. And even now it’s ’next year will be a good year’, ‘within two years I want to be in this position’. Never happens, and I resent it so much.

I hear you loud and clear, it's my DH as well we met in our 20s he was dynamic, ambitious and so am I, I've then been left to drive the family, earn the lions share and have the kids!

We are late 40s and I feel exactly the same, word for word even down to him telling me about his new 37 year old boss with zero industry experience.

It's not the money, it's not the income it's just that feeling that your partner just isn't your partner anymore and they decided to coast, without any conversation any discussion or any say in the matter.

Add with hormones, stress and the loss of parents and it's utterly soul destroying to wake up and realise you've been taken the piss out of, well that's how it feels.

It does eat you up but you do need to find a way to articulate this, step back and let him carry the load before you burn out.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 18/12/2023 23:43

Hottenan · 18/12/2023 23:07

Just out of interest how much does he earn and how much do you earn?

This.

Soonenough · 18/12/2023 23:45

I absolutely understand this feeling OP. I trusted my STBX to provide for me and my family. Began to suspect something was wrong as he seemed to stall, like yours. But it there was always some excuse , office politics, someone knowing someone type of thing. I really didn't mind what he did as you sat, once he did it well. Couldn't take the vague lies about bonuses either. I would manage on any amount once I knew what to plan for. I too propped up the finances with inheritance. Then it progressed to losing his senior jobs . The loss of respect, no longer admiring our commitment to our life and kids , feeling that he was incompetent really really made me despise him. I completely understand where you are coming from. Once this inadequacies are so obvious, it is hard to ignore or be inclined to stay with him.

whyamiawakestill · 18/12/2023 23:47

@WhereIsBebèsChambre but it's not about the money, it's about the lack of drive and ambition. OP isn't saying he needs to earn more he just needs to have some passion and love of his role whatever that is.

Ablondiebutagoody · 19/12/2023 00:06

"Sometimes I think that I wouldn’t mind if he was a road sweeper - as long as he did brilliantly at it and kept progressing!"

Yeah, right.

missymousey · 19/12/2023 00:10

I get it OP. You thought you were marrying someone who was building a successful career, and that's part of why you were attracted to him and envisaged a good life together. You probably feel short changed.

I was similar. I was totally behind my DH when (pre-kids) he wanted to leave his well paid job to set up on his own. Ambitious, driven, etc. He never really made it work and I spent a few years earning far more than him as well as having kids and looking after them, and feeling pissed off that he doesn't seem to feel the need to carry the load.

Talking to a life coach has really helped me work out what I want out of life and how to get there without waiting for DH to catch up. I'm happier in myself and our marriage is better for it.

Allwelcone · 19/12/2023 00:14

I have felt the same about my DH.

I now realise it wasn't really about the money really for me, you do have to accept yr partner for who they are really, in a long marriage.
I learned to let it go.

I do challenge the emotional absenteeism vis a vis the children but the financial stuff I have learned to let go.

Not all plans work out, it's part of being human
Hopefully your dh has loads of good points too OP.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 19/12/2023 00:15

whyamiawakestill · 18/12/2023 23:47

@WhereIsBebèsChambre but it's not about the money, it's about the lack of drive and ambition. OP isn't saying he needs to earn more he just needs to have some passion and love of his role whatever that is.

Well she needs to tell him that, 'I don't care what you earn as long as you're happy!'
That may be very beneficial to him!

WetTowelsWillRemainOnFloorWhereTheyHaveBeenLeft · 19/12/2023 00:19

I feel for you @leopardleo. Your posts read to me as pure frustration in that you’re taking on the career load, the mental load, the physical load.

i would find it a turn-off too (hope I’m not making it worse). It is sexy and cool to be competent and just Get Stuff Done (so long as you’re not a lying, corrupt twunt - looking at you Johnson, Hancock, Cameron, Moan, Bartowman etc).

If you’re a big earner and able to pay to outsource help it goes some way towards salving the burden of responsibility.

It would be the fact that he thinks he’s entitled to be grumpy that would piss me right off.

All I would say is, please don’t feel you have to bail out your kids at this stage of their lives. It often just delays them getting on with things.

carolsandchristmas · 19/12/2023 00:22

In the same way our bodies are not the same as they were 25 years ago, neither is your DH! Our priorities change, and after children, perhaps the career was not for your DH. If he earns comfortably. Has been around for you and the kids then take the win. Most adults who earn top, sacrifice something in their family life.
You sound unsatisfied. Perhaps your DH needs to step up now. But no, you weren't sold a lie. People are allowed to change

Original poster
leopardleo · 19/12/2023 00:23

@ActDottie and @houseonthehill - I know how this sounds, but as I keep saying it’s not really to do with wealth and status. I’m not looking at my friends’ husbands and saying ‘wow I’m so jealous that they’re on massive salaries and have an incredible life’ - well, maybe a bit 😜 - but is more that drive for wanting to support the people you love that is important to me (which I also share).

OP posts:
TommyNever · 19/12/2023 00:25

Rather than seething with resentment, it's probably best to leave him since you find him so unworthy.

If you really think you can score a "young, dynamic, ambitious type" then go for it, but I suspect you're kidding yourself.

NoSquirrels · 19/12/2023 00:27

more that drive for wanting to support the people you love that is important to me (which I also share).

You’ve identified it. You feel unsupported. It’s not the ambition, the money or the drive. You feel he doesn’t care.

Original poster
leopardleo · 19/12/2023 00:34

@ComfyBoobs - thank you. Our annual earnings are currently quite similar, however we are in different industries and I have progressed much faster over the past few years. Exhausting as it is, it looks likely I will eventually out-earn him within a year or two quite significantly. I DO NOT mind that, but I do mind he just doesn’t really seem to care about his own path.

OP posts:
Charlie2121 · 19/12/2023 00:40

It sounds to me that your problem is you are both in jobs where higher salary comes from additional effort rather than from acquired skills and knowledge.

It won’t help you but if others are reading this I’d strongly advise choosing careers where you develop high salaries for less effort later in life. You need to make your experience pay dividends as once you hit middle age you won’t want to put in the same time and effort.

Aim for a decade in a decent senior exec role at the end of your career and you’ll be well set up for retirement regardless of what preceded that.

Original poster
leopardleo · 19/12/2023 00:41

@Allwelcone and @WetTowelsWillRemainOnFloorWhereTheyHaveBeenLeft - thank you so much for the understanding. It’s exactly that - it’s not like I’m disappointed that DH isn’t some cock-swinging alpha type. I know what comes with a certain type of success and I wouldn’t want that. But I do want to feel that he is an adult that will work hard to provide for his family - as I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
leopardleo · 19/12/2023 00:48

@Charlie2121 - easier said than done but YES. Unfortunately my job isn’t really like that - the effort is everything- but DH for DH that’s achievable and so it’s infuriating. He could and ‘should’ be in a senior role where his experience is valued - but instead younger more driven people are hired above him.

OP posts:
Original poster
leopardleo · 19/12/2023 00:50

@NoSquirrels - yes exactly. But I don’t know how to get past it.

OP posts:
HamBone · 19/12/2023 00:50

He's grumpy and high maintenance and acts like his job is MEGA important, more so than mine. I do the lion's share of house/kids etc.

Tbh, this sounds like the main problem, he’s not much fun to be around, is he?

cheeseandbranston · 19/12/2023 00:51

I would feel exactly the same OP. I want to feel 'on team' with a partner, like you're both excited about the future and working together to optimise it. What you're doing sounds lonely.

It's awful when you realised that maybe you're married to someone who you wouldn't marry if you had to pick now.

I think you would really benefit from counselling