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Original poster

Confession from my partner - advice needed

298 replies

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:24

Hi

this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober.

now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men.

I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic.

I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about:

I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated.

I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 19/12/2023 00:13

I am just worried I am a cover story if he truly does want to be with a man

Most likely he's attracted to both men and women, not just men, as he married a woman.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 19/12/2023 00:15

if a woman says she's done that with another woman, no one leaps to the conclusion she MUST be bi/pan despite her stating otherwise, and yet SO many people do this with men.

Yes and why do you think that is? It's because male sexuality is different.

Straight women can (and do) dabble whereas straight men don't get off with men. They're just not wired up that way.

I'm sure the OPs relationship will be fine but let's not pretend her concern is unfounded. Especially after the high profile news stories this year.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 00:17

Pinkpinkpink15 · 18/12/2023 23:59

Bollocks didn't men to post..

anyway he has a LOT of men coming to his house for sex, most of which are happily married. None if them want to be in a relationship with a man, live with a man, they just enjoy the sex occasionally.

all reject the 'hi' title (rightly I feel. Bi is a life choice, not just a sexual choice. It took me a while to understand, but I do now.

you can't be a man, but he doesn't necessarily want a man to be in a relationship with. My friend isn't going to be living with a man now or in the future. But he is going to be having sex with them. As well as the woman he lives with & others.

your bloke might be like my friend, or he might have just experimented & be happy to be a one woman bloke now, who knows??

I do know that nothing he says now will help you because he's already told you he wants you & only you. What more can he say?

I'm not saying I would necessarily believe him, people lie to get what they want. Straight, bi, gay...whatever.

It is all so confusing isn’t it? Because it could be literally any one of these scenarios. This is the arguments I’ve had in my head for a while now. I honestly sometimes feel like I will never trust anyone ever again including my own gut instinct. I have a choice to make that’s for sure. I just hope it’s the right one

OP posts:
BlackPanther75 · 19/12/2023 00:17

It sounds like your boyfriend Is a gay man. Getting a blow job off another man means your queer (unless it’s non consensual). Call it experimentation if you want to split straws… but putting my 🍆 in some man’s mouth, means I’m on the queer spectrum.

Shroedy · 19/12/2023 00:18

coldandmiserableinbirmingham · 18/12/2023 23:54

There's a lot more to this. I can see know reason why he'd share this info unless it was to soften the blow to what may be happening behind the scenes. He might be being blackmailed by a gay lover or even a court case pending re sexual offences. I'd tell him to sling his hook, seriously.

I think you may win the biphobia prize on this thread (and it's a high bar) for jumping from a same sex encounter to it must be blackmail and or he's a sexual predator. Grim. 🤢

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 00:20

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 19/12/2023 00:15

if a woman says she's done that with another woman, no one leaps to the conclusion she MUST be bi/pan despite her stating otherwise, and yet SO many people do this with men.

Yes and why do you think that is? It's because male sexuality is different.

Straight women can (and do) dabble whereas straight men don't get off with men. They're just not wired up that way.

I'm sure the OPs relationship will be fine but let's not pretend her concern is unfounded. Especially after the high profile news stories this year.

What?

I can think of 4 men immediately who are straight but had an experience with a man- because there was opportunity, they wondered what it was like, tried it and decided it wasn’t for them. They are straight- they are solely attracted to women.

Panaa · 19/12/2023 00:21

@Lostsadandconfused

I've also had several sexual experiences with women, out of curiosity etc. I'm not even remotely bi either.

People say this kind of thing a lot but 100% straight people don't have that curiosity to explore with people of the same sex.

BiMaleWhoMangedtoKeepItInHisPants · 19/12/2023 00:21

So, if I had to put a label on myself it would be bisexual.

I (M) have been with my partner (F) for 30 years in a mogamous relationship, so it is possible!

DP and I were friends before we started to go out, so she knew about my sexuality. It would be wrong to say she never had any concerns to begin with but we had some honest discussions and she quickly seemed to be able to put them to one side - possibly helped by the fact she also had same sex relationships, though she interestingly doesn't describe herself as bi.

Have I over the years met some men that I have felt a physical attraction to? Yes of course. I've also occasionally met women that I've felt an attraction to. I'm sure that DP has met other men and women as well that shes felt attracted to. Have either of us acted upon these attractions? Well I definitely haven't and I'm pretty sure she hasn't either.

In my view if you're the sort of person thats going to be unfaithful, then you're going to be unfaithful and your sexuality really doesn't make much difference.

OP, your partner has been at least partially honest with you about this. I'm sure he found it very difficult. He may be "minimising" things what happened with these other men or he may not. It's also something he should probably have told you sooner than he has. However, given some of the responses on this thread you can kind of understand why he might have been reticent.

I think this is something you can either get your head around or can't. Either you trust him that the feelings he has towards you are genuine and he will stay faithful or you don't. Thats the case whether hes straight or bi-sexual. You seem to be struggling a bit at the moment and unless you can come to terms with it fairly quickly it may be best to move on. There will be people who will accept your partner for the person he is and you and he may both be happier with other people.

Shortly after I left university 30+ years ago, I lost most of my male friends from that era after I was outed in a dishonest and pretty cruel manner. I had actually slept with a couple of these so called friends, including the one who outed me. I believe they are both married now and are outwardly 100% straight, make of that what you will.

I had thought that things had moved on from that time. Some of the responses here suggest they haven't really, Homophobia is rightly deemed unacceptable these days, it seems bi-phobia is not. I find it all profoundly sad and depressing.

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 00:21

BlackPanther75 · 19/12/2023 00:17

It sounds like your boyfriend Is a gay man. Getting a blow job off another man means your queer (unless it’s non consensual). Call it experimentation if you want to split straws… but putting my 🍆 in some man’s mouth, means I’m on the queer spectrum.

🤦‍♀️

porridgeisbae · 19/12/2023 00:22

Straight women can (and do) dabble whereas straight men don't get off with men. They're just not wired up that way.

I've known straight blokes who got off with men in their teens. Probably not all the way but a BJ/mutual masturbation.

Also some 'straight' men think a BJ's a BJ at the end of the day and aren't fussed who's giving it. Grin

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 00:22

Panaa · 19/12/2023 00:21

@Lostsadandconfused

I've also had several sexual experiences with women, out of curiosity etc. I'm not even remotely bi either.

People say this kind of thing a lot but 100% straight people don't have that curiosity to explore with people of the same sex.

Of course they do- you don’t have to be attracted to someone to have sex with them. It’s perfectly possible to do it for a whole host of reasons.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 00:23

twilightermummy · 18/12/2023 23:58

Honestly op, as somebody who dealt with this for almost a decade, I urge you to leave now. I became a paranoid wreck and of course, the more digging I did, the more I found...for example - a second phone!

I felt exactly as you did. Nervous of him around other men and wondering whether I'd ever be enough. I questioned his friendships, where he was going out. I think because an image often presented to us in the media of gay men being promiscuous (to my shame) I thought he was up to it everywhere we went. I lost all my confidence and often felt humiliated.

He told me that even if we broke up, he'd find a girlfriend not a boyfriend presumably because we give them so much. Please don't throw your good years away. I'm still quite resentful of that fact and,you're right, it was only fair that you knew this before entering into a relationship with him. It's pure selfishness on his part that he didn't.

I'm very open minded and have friends of all backgrounds but that relationship made me hateful. I hate who I became. Listen to your gut instinct. Please RUN and don't look back.

This is My worry, is it my insecurities that make me feel this way or because my gut instinct is trying to tell me something. I feel I know him well enough to know he wouldn’t intentionally decieve me but given that I haven’t been in the same situation and men have always hurt me I can’t help but feel maybe I will get hurt again. Wish I could read minds honestly x

OP posts:
Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 19/12/2023 00:23

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 00:05

Thank you and I hope my post doesn’t come across as judgmental because that truly isn’t the case. I was just worried that he maybe want to be with men really but felt he couldn’t. That can sound very naive of me but this isn’t something I have much experience in because I am straight. My intention was never to upset anyone just more to try and understand the situation given that I have no experience in this area x

Show quote history

This is a great comment actulay.
I think it all depends on each individual what we experience in life shapes Us .
Worrying about cheating comes down somewhere. I think OP just feels she has more to worry about now .

Jioyt · 19/12/2023 00:24

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:47

I know and this what makes me not trust what he is saying because my reply was - you should have told me you were bi sexual when we met because I have a right to go into this relationship with my eyes wide open, he actually looked shocked and said I am not bi sexual (which he clearly is) he said I was going through a very bad time (6 months of a bad time) and did stuff I am not proud of hence why I got my life together and sorted myself out. The bit I find hardest now is that he is clearly lying when he says he isn’t bi sexual so does that mean he has something more to hide?

The problem of asking these questions on MN is that many people won't have come across a situation as yours.

Cue those indicating how they would ltb. Some things you gotta figure out for yourself.

I believe your partner when he says he is NOT bi-sexual. Just because one happens to have oral sex by another person of the same sex, doesn't make them gay, anymore than spending a night or two in a garage would make you a car.

I know this because I have had sex with another person of same sex and I am as straight as I've ever been.

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 00:25

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 19/12/2023 00:23

This is a great comment actulay.
I think it all depends on each individual what we experience in life shapes Us .
Worrying about cheating comes down somewhere. I think OP just feels she has more to worry about now .

Show quote history

Thank you and yes I agree. Every single relationship I’ve ever been in I’ve been cheated on. So now my natural instinct is to believe that it will happen again, this just happens to be that it could now be a man that he cheats with. God I sound like such a nut case don’t i? Sometimes think I would be better off alone with my dogs so no one could hurt me x (sounds pathetic I know)

OP posts:
Panaa · 19/12/2023 00:26

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 00:20

What?

I can think of 4 men immediately who are straight but had an experience with a man- because there was opportunity, they wondered what it was like, tried it and decided it wasn’t for them. They are straight- they are solely attracted to women.

Show quote history

How do you know who they're solely attracted to? They might say they're straight but they've had a sexual experience with a man so what they say and what they do don't actually match up.

I'm a 100% straight woman, both attraction and behaviour. I could call myself a lesbian if I wanted but it wouldn't make it actually true and if loads of straight women started calling themselves lesbians then we'd have people saying oh there's loads of lesbians out there who choose to only sleep with men 😂That's exactly why people trot out this whole "loads of straight men sleep with men" narrative. They're not straight. They just say they are. Huge difference.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 19/12/2023 00:27

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 00:20

What?

I can think of 4 men immediately who are straight but had an experience with a man- because there was opportunity, they wondered what it was like, tried it and decided it wasn’t for them. They are straight- they are solely attracted to women.

Show quote history

Not only do straight men rarely get off with other men but they aren't usually falling over themselves to tell people they've been sucking cocks or whatever.

So I doubt your assertion and I really doubt the fact four straight guys have said what you claim.

Panaa · 19/12/2023 00:29

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 00:22

Of course they do- you don’t have to be attracted to someone to have sex with them. It’s perfectly possible to do it for a whole host of reasons.

Show quote history

Nah, leaving aside the ones who do it because they're forced to it or perhaps need the money, the ones who do it freely and out of choice have some sort of attraction to the person and want to do it. Straight people don't do that.

porridgeisbae · 19/12/2023 00:34

Straight people don't do that.

Haven't you ever known people who experimented? I know of many.

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 00:35

Panaa · 19/12/2023 00:26

How do you know who they're solely attracted to? They might say they're straight but they've had a sexual experience with a man so what they say and what they do don't actually match up.

I'm a 100% straight woman, both attraction and behaviour. I could call myself a lesbian if I wanted but it wouldn't make it actually true and if loads of straight women started calling themselves lesbians then we'd have people saying oh there's loads of lesbians out there who choose to only sleep with men 😂That's exactly why people trot out this whole "loads of straight men sleep with men" narrative. They're not straight. They just say they are. Huge difference.

Show quote history

It’s not just the biphobia that is shocking on this thread, it’s the utter ignorance of human sexuality.

I know they are straight because they are attracted to women, and only women. Sex is a thing that happens for all sorts of reasons- intrinsic attraction to a particular sex is only one of them.

I am a dyke. I am only attracted to women. I am in no way attracted to men- but I’ve had sex with a small number of them. I found it extremely unpleasant and would never repeat the experience.

Do you actually think that you know enough about me, my life, my experiences, my motivations, my arousal, my personal development and my relationships, to define my sexuality for me?!

Original poster
Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 00:35

Jioyt · 19/12/2023 00:24

The problem of asking these questions on MN is that many people won't have come across a situation as yours.

Cue those indicating how they would ltb. Some things you gotta figure out for yourself.

I believe your partner when he says he is NOT bi-sexual. Just because one happens to have oral sex by another person of the same sex, doesn't make them gay, anymore than spending a night or two in a garage would make you a car.

I know this because I have had sex with another person of same sex and I am as straight as I've ever been.

Show quote history

Thank you this really helps. I had literally no idea where to turn so just typed relationship forum and this came up. I truly do appreciate the people who have more experience in this area replying because I feel it’s helped me understand things and maybe I’ve labelled him as something he isn’t and I need to be aware of that so that I don’t keep doing it. He’s only ever had relationships with women as far as I know and I can understand how he’s explained it that he was not a in a great place and was taking drugs (wrong of him I know but actually I understand that side of things more than I understand the rest as it’s never happened to me before so hearing experiences of others has been so valuable to me thank you xx

OP posts:
Lostsadandconfused · 19/12/2023 00:35

Panaa · 19/12/2023 00:21

@Lostsadandconfused

I've also had several sexual experiences with women, out of curiosity etc. I'm not even remotely bi either.

People say this kind of thing a lot but 100% straight people don't have that curiosity to explore with people of the same sex.

You are actually wrong. The women I have had sexual experiences with I was not actually remoted attracted to. I have never felt sexual attraction to a woman. Yet I've had sexual activity with women (as part of a threesome btw, if that makes a difference).

Youremylobster87 · 19/12/2023 00:36

OP believe it or not I've been in a similar situation. Ex partner (male) told me when we first starting going out that he had in the past received oral from men whilst very drunk on two separate occasions. I did not for one second think he was gay or bi, but in my case it turned out he had some sort of sex addiction. I'm not saying this is what your DP has, just that it doesn't necessarily mean that he is gay or bi.

Vintageport · 19/12/2023 00:36

Panaa · 19/12/2023 00:29

Nah, leaving aside the ones who do it because they're forced to it or perhaps need the money, the ones who do it freely and out of choice have some sort of attraction to the person and want to do it. Straight people don't do that.

Show quote history

Again, ignorance.

Even if this were true- having found one person in one situation attractive enough to have a fumble with does not determine or define your sexuality for the rest of your life.

Deathbyfluffy · 19/12/2023 00:38

flowerchild2000 · 18/12/2023 20:49

To me the issue is that he's repressing. Which probably most men do. I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone like this long term unless they went to therapy. It's not like sexuality is an issue, it's the repression and shame.

I think you’ll find an awful lot of women do it too - it’s pretty common.

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