Confession from my partner - advice needed

[Tinkerbell040]

Hi

this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober.

now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men.

I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic.

I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about:

I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated.

I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

Good bye.

You are so right. The more I read the more I think this is actually about me and not him. I dearly love this man and honestly believe he told me our respect and not to hurt me. I have things I definitely need to work on and really don’t want to split up with him when in our relationship as far as I am aware he hasn’t put a foot wrong x

@Tinkerbell040 so before he met you your dp engaged in some consensual heavy petting with men. That is not illegal and your dp did nothing wrong.

However, prior to that he had a serious drug problem, buying and taking illegal substances - the procurement of which often causes abuse to society's most vulnerable. It also indictates an addictive personality.

The drug taking would have made me walk away the moment I found out. Consensual same sex experiences before he met me, far less so.

I think you need to sort out your priorities although the drugs would have represented bright red bunting for me.

As a bisexual 47 year old woman, I can perhaps try to explain that if you are bisexual it is perfectly normal to feel comfortable with either sex. Being bi-sexual does not mean that you are more highly sexed, or that you may be more of a cheating risk. Just simply that you are capable of being attracted to both sexes.

It sounds very much like he is in denial of his bi-sexuality though, blaming the drugs etc.

If he likes you, then he likes you- don't worry about him cheating JUST because he is attracted to both.

Thank you for this reply, I am very proud of him and what he’s done with his life. As you say I am honoured he feels he can tell me about his past, I think the answer is becoming clear that it’s my issues of not feeling good enough and the result of the abuse in my marriage that maybe the big factor here.

the level headed replies tonight have been exactly what I needed. I will definitely be looking to get myself some help

thank you again x

He might not be bi. Loss of people have one or two experiences with one sex before realising that they are actually only attracted to the other.

Barring disability, married men have two hands and can take a wank if they get horny. There's no need for them to go running to the nearest gay sauna to scratch that itch. It is honestly misandry to treat men like they can't stay faithful.

Thank you. You make so much sense, I think I am to close to the situation to see it clearly x

This gives me a lot of comfort thank you x

Whatever he has done in the past the main thing is do you trust him? Because it doesn't matter what his sexuality is. He can cheat or not whatever he decides he believes himself to be.
You say he's ashamed of what he did but if he was experimenting then why feel ashamed? He says he's not gay or bi. Is he in denial. Only you can listen to your gut and know what it's telling you. To continue in a relationship where you're constantly doubting the other person and feeling suspicious whether rightly or wrong is a massive strain on your mental health though and you need to either move on or move out.

You'd be best starting a new thread in Childbirth as this is Relationships.

I'm heterosexual and when I was young I had sex with a couple of women, I was single and experimenting and truth is I remember it with fondness (not shame). I'm very happy with a man in a LTR and have no desire to have sex with women. My BF knows and he doesn't care either because we trust each other 100%. I've had a couple of ex's who got a BJ by a man before we met because they too were experimenting, I didn't felt threatened by it. We were young and experimental once, If you fully trust this man I don't see a problem. You need to move on OP.

Its quite a leap for a heterosexual man to make from recreational drug use to having sex with other men. Your partner is using the first to explain the second, but it really doesn't. I think that's what would concern me most tbh, his denial about his capacity to be sexually interested in men. Because if he's not being honest with himself about that, he isn't being honest with you.

Thank you this makes a lot of sense, my partner and I haven’t fallen out over it and I’ve made it clear if he was gay or wanted to be with a man I would 1000% support him and I mean that too. Can’t deny I would be heartbroken and it would take time but I would have: now if he’s reassured me that’s not the case then tells me it is years down the line then I would probably think differently cause then he’s chosen to keep lying to me. He said he told me because he doesn’t ever want to keep anything from me especially given that some of his friends know about it. So I hope I can get out of my own head and just believe him. I feel like I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me so I want that to be the case with me but think I just needed to get this off my chest and get someone else’s opinion that I am not being stupid

Oh wow this thread has made me so sad today. So many horrible answers to your questions. I am bisexual and bizarrely it has never occurred to me that people might be silently judging me for it, assuming that I am more likely to cheat because of it, until today. I am always encouraging my sons to be themselves and be emotionally open with people; sad that they are growing up in a world where they might be judged for being so open.

I don't include you in this OP, I see that you have genuinely come looking for advice and support and it is great that you are properly exploring how you feel about this before discussing it with him.

I don't think it matters at all whether he is bisexual or not. In all likelihood he doesn't honestly know, because sexuality is a spectrum which we are all on somewhere. But if he feels judged for his past, it is likely to reinforce feelings of shame which he seems already to have.

It is crazy that it's 2023 and I'm having to state this - bisexual people are not more likely to cheat. Unless you also think men who are attracted to both brunette and blonde women are inevitably going to cheat with a blonde woman when married to a brunette one. Having had sex with both genders I can tell you there isn't some mystical different quality to orgasms/intimacy in hetero and homo encounters. You connect with a human, physically, spiritually, emotionally - or not. You're either a person who seeks multiple partners or not (plenty of lovely straight polyamorous people out there; it's absolutely not for me), and you're either someone who could betray a partner's trust or not (plenty of real shits out there, of every single sexual orientation).

All the best to you OP, take the time you need and be kind to this man who sounds great.

Apologies if I have missed this advice above, but please go and get an STD screen. Your partner sounds as though he has previously engaged in a number of high risk activities and that potentially puts you at risk.

Thank you so much for telling me this story, it’s comforting to know I am not alone. And I know it’s not an easy thing to say so I really do appreciate you giving me that. Yes it’s funny even in my own head 2 women being together doesn’t feel the same as two men somehow in terms of how others judge it. I am so glad you have been able to work with what your husband told you and hope I can come back and say exactly the same in time. It’s definitely been a hard one for my to get my head around x

Also - for all the people asking why he's ashamed and suggesting it's a red flag; read the thread. There is clearly so much judgement of bi men out there. He's probably experienced this in real life and has internalised some dark shit about this making him a bad person. It would be great if all of us could embrace every part of ourselves, but the world is clearly not accepting enough to enable this.

Yes I think that’s what he is saying. He said the drugs he was taking at the time just made him Lower his inhibitions so much, he was very very unhappy and didn’t care about a whole lot think he turned to drugs for comfort and ended up in places and situations he probably wouldn’t have sober. He has been hurt in his past too and isn’t a confident man at all so think maybe it was an attention thing as well. Neither of us have children, his family and friends would have no issue with him being out if he was gay and he’s told me himself if he was gay he would be out he has no reason to not be.

he did also say “even if I was gay and didn’t want friends and family to know I would never ever use a woman to hide that, I would stay single (in my families eyes at least) and just hook up with men, I have no reason to hurt a woman like that and drag her along for the ride. I hope one day I can fully believe that to be true and get over my own insecurities

Wow what a small minded thread! About a quarter of my married male friends and a lot of my former lovers have had blow jobs or sex with men and the majority are straight ( most of the time!). Quite a few of my females have had a bit of fun with women. As long as he is definitely off the drugs I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Another woman who has had same sex encounters (more than kissing) years ago yet do not consider myself bisexual. I also have a very close male friend who confided in me that he let a gay friend give him oral sex when he was drunk because his friend wanted to and he thought why not. He doesn't consider himself bisexual!

The homo- and bi-phobia in this thread is quite astounding.

OP, I've had a similar experience with my new relationship. My new partner told me that in his youth he had sexual encounters with men. At first I was quite shocked, but now it doesn't bother me at all. He is quite open about it (but only with me, he said I'm the first woman he has ever spoken about this to) and answers any questions I have. He doesn't identify as bisexual, and we have a very healthy and very active sex life.

He also said I would be surprised how common this is for men, most men just don't admit it. If not full sex then oral sex or mutual masturbation. I believe that, a lot of men have had such experience they would just never confess to it, especially to their female partners.

I've also had several sexual experiences with women, out of curiosity etc. I'm not even remotely bi either.

I've also experimented with other kinks and activities that would have mumsnetter's clutching their pearls, but they aren't things I'm driven to do again. Been there, done that.

As I’ve said I am more than happy with his explanation of the drug taking.

he absolutely doesn’t do them at all anymore and I know this for sure. I don’t punish someone for the rest of their life for mistakes made. That’s not who I am.

I also don’t have any issue with the experience he had I was just asking advice in the hope of getting clarity that I am not a cover for someone who maybe feels like they can’t be who they truly are.

as someone who ended up with an addiction to prescription opiates due to an illness ( my drugs were prescribed by my doctors I still got addicted) does that make me a terrible human? I understand the drug side more than the sexuality hence me asking for help in that area. I have been off all opiates since 2016 and would never ever take one again I would hope people wouldn’t judge me for that and if they did then that’s up to them. I can’t change everyone’s mind but I can know that how I am now. I fully believe he isn’t even close to touching any drug that wasn’t the issue I had.

Bloody hell, a couple of BJ's when off his tits does not a bi or gay man make!

Nor would being bi or pan mean he is definitely going to cheat on you.

From what you've said, I'd be very happy he's with you because he wants to be, and that he identifies as straight.

I identify as pan, because it is people I find attractive, regardless of their gender. I have had a number of sexual experiences with women, and yet astonishingly have managed to stay faithful to the same man for over 18 years now (despite us not being married).

Who I was 20 years ago is not who I am now. I experimented with recreational drugs, with various sorts of relationship and sexual encounter in my late teens and early 20s. It was fun (mostly) then.

I have absolutely zero desire to do that now, it wouldn't be fun now, my priorities have changed, my sexual tastes and desires have to some extent, changed - I basically grew out of messing around, discovered what floated my boat the most and stuck with that.

I still identify as pan because should something happen to my DP and I were to be single again I could see myself having a relationship with another human being and their gender wouldn't be relevant to me.

It is no wonder so few men will be honest about experimenting when young - if a woman says she's done that with another woman, no one leaps to the conclusion she MUST be bi/pan despite her stating otherwise, and yet SO many people do this with men.

Do you think he'd mind if you told him you'd done some frontbottom-strumming with another girl as a teen?
I think he only told you because he feels so close to you - everything will be fine!!