Confession from my partner - advice needed

[Tinkerbell040]

Hi

this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic.

my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober.

now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men.

I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic.

I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about:

I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated.

I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

I agree I think we're all very far from what nature has made us to be. I see repression everywhere including this very thread...only mentioned men here due to context but yes I do agree.

It's biphobic to say that people who have sex with people of the same sex are not straight is it?? Don't be so ridiculous.

Also I am not ignorant about human sexuality. You're just trying to spin a ridiculous narrative. There's nothing wrong with being bisexual so there's no need for bisexual people to tell people that they're straight.

You don't know that they're attracted to women and only women because all you know is what they told you. As I said I've only slept with men and have only ever been attracted to men. I could tell you that i'm a lesbian but that wouldn't make it true 🙄I could say I'm bisexual, that's also not true. Just because someone tells you something doesn't make it true.

Gay/lesbian people do sometimes have sex with people of the opposite sex when they're in denial or trying to live a heteronormative life...and find it unpleasant as you did, so that's coming from a completely different place than people who are apparently heterosexual who are not trying to suppress their straightness or force their sexuality to be different out of fear etc. It's not the same at all.

Thank you for your reply I truly appreciate it coming from a male perspective. I have flaws of course I do but to be honest the being with another male isn’t as much of an issue to me i guess it’s believing that he is happy with being with me and that’s what’s become apparent tonight. I really don’t want to lose this man if what he says is true then I absolutely need to work on myself and my lack of self esteem because I think maybe that’s what the real problem is.

thank you again for your pov it’s really helped me this evening and I really hope I don’t ruin what could be an amazing thing. If he is lying and I get hurt then at least I know I was true to our relationship and gave it my all

OP honestly don’t beat your self up , but maybe be on your own for a while.
He may chat he may not bit of your not ready then don’t torture yourself. .
Have time to sort yourself out . Get Counseling
You will go into your next relationship very differently . It’s maybe just too much for you to deal with .
Quiet life with the dogs sounds lovely but it’s also the easy option lol ( kind of the option I’ve chosen though )
Nothing better than peace of mind .

100% agree.

I have also had a couple of same sex experiences in my time, and if anything, it confirmed my heterosexuality. But at the time, ti sounded like a good idea, for whatevr reason.

I was young, stupid, and quite possibly, drunk!

I would hate for those experiences to be construed as anything more than what they were, even if they happened on different occasions. But I am a woman, so everyone would just be like "oh all women are a bit bi, its no big deal", when that is also not the case at all.

Thank you to every single person who commented tonight. Good or bad I feel better for asking other peoples opinions

I think it’s clear that I have a lot of work to do on myself and my own worth and I also have lots to think about.

I truly do love my partner if I didn’t care it would he an easy out for me.

what’s clear is I need to either learn to trust a man that hasn’t ever given me a reason to doubt him or I need to be alone and not give anyone a chance to hurt me again - which sounds as depressing as hell!

truly thank you to everyone bar the odd mocking comment I feel everyone has given the advice they best saw fit and that’s all I could ask for xx

Nope, you are wrong all the way down.

And you are extremely ignorant about the complexity and nuance of sexuality. You keep driving home that fact every time you post.

Thinking you know better than someone what their own sexuality is demonstrates a colossal amount of arrogance.

Gay/lesbian people do sometimes have sex with people of the opposite sex when they're in denial or trying to live a heteronormative life...and find it unpleasant as you did, so that's coming from a completely different place than people who are apparently heterosexual who are not trying to suppress their straightness or force their sexuality to be different out of fear etc. It's not the same at all.

So clearly demonstrates that you don’t understand. I have never been in denial or tried to live a heteronormative life.

I am and always have been perfectly happy and comfortable in my sexuality.

Even if he were bi, that doesn't mean he's more likely to cheat BTW @Tinkerbell040 .

what’s clear is I need to either learn to trust a man that hasn’t ever given me a reason to doubt him or I need to be alone and not give anyone a chance to hurt me again - which sounds as depressing as hell!

We all learn stuff about relationships as we go through life and your lack of naivety isn't a bad thing.

Now he's told you stuff that's shaken you up a bit and that's ok- it's ok to be somewhat guarded in life. We all get more cautious as we get older.

It doesn't seem to be stopping you forming relationships.

As PP's have said, if anything you need to be more wary about his drugs admissions. Definitely dump him at the first sign of any of that coming back.

@Pinkpinkpink15

Bi is a life choice, not just a sexual choice.

what do you mean by this?? Sexuality is not a "choice", I thought we'd moved on from such ignorant bs.

This thread is depressing. Makes the pope look progressive ffs

Calling someone ignorant doesn't make it true.

I am aware of the complexity and nuances of sexuality, and we have seen in recent years all of the new labels that have popped up to reflect that. However for some reason people want to keep putting everyone into the straight category even when there are plenty of other categories they could go in which accurately reflect the nuances and complexity 🤔

People complain about bi-erasure but it's bisexual people who seem to be most guilty of this, and I also think that people do young bisexual people a disservice by telling them that that of course you can sleep with and be attracted to both sexes and still be straight. For Gods sake what a confusing message for young people who are of the generation where they would actually be more willing and able to be proud of the fact that they're bisexual and not be ashamed. I don't get it at all. It's actually going backwards now and not forwards!!

Thinking you know better than someone what their own sexuality is a colossal amount of arrogance.

It's not thinking you know better than them.
It's thinking that they are not telling the truth. Big difference
I don't believe that they think they're 100% straight so I'm not thinking I know better than them. They know they're not, they just won't admit it.

OP it purely sounds like he’s had wild drugs and sex benders. I remember taking mdma all the time when I was younger, I’d be so out of it and it raised my sex drive and I’d sleep with anyone. I’ve never had the desire of threesomes, but after MDMA or ecstasy tablets I’d be all over it like a rash. Drugs and alcohol make you lose your inhibitions. Doesn’t mean anything, even if he is bisexual, that doesn’t mean he’ll cheat on you x

I'm bi, your partner doesn't sound like he is, and even so would it matter?

I was with my ex husband for 22 years and never cheated.

I now have a partner who is a transman. Two vaginas in our bed at the end of the day. I haven't cheated on him.

So much bi and homophobia on this thread.

Straight men wouldn't allow another man give them a BJ or any other sexual activity. He is repressing his attraction to men.

How do you know this? How do you know everything about his sexuality?

I don't know about his sexuality but ask any straight man if they'd do this and they'd be horrified. It's not something a straight man would want but possibly a bisexual or gay man would want.

I was with an ex for 7 years. We were due to welcome the new century by getting married in Vietnam. Flights had been booked, hotels paid for, etc. We were due to leave on the 28th. I was staying with a friend who was heavily pregnant with twins on the 27th because her DH was going out. He came home early (and sober) so I went home and walked in on my so-called fiancée up to his nuts in the best man. At that moment I realised that something had niggled at me the entire time we were together and I couldn’t work out what it was. Within days I uncovered a whole series of people he had lied to about our relationship so that he could lead them on and keep me as a prop. I was devastated and furious that he had played hard and fast with my health as well. (I saw for myself that no condom was used.)

But if a straight man said yes, you would assume they were gay or bi.

So why would most straight guys admit to this?

Also if someone was horrified by the idea of gay sex that would in no way confirm their heterosexuality. They could be closeted and struggling with homophobia.

No one will ever know someone else's sexuality for certain but it's probably best practice to assume most people are honest and know what they identify as.

Op"s partner says he's straight and was drugged up. He should know, he was there.

Haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that If your partner is a decent trustworthy person I think you can believe that he's being honest when he says that it's you he wants to be with. It's entirely possible to experiment with a couple of same sex partners out of curiosity at a certain point in your life then decide that this isn't your preference. That was my own experience, there are very few people of the same sex that I'm at all attracted to these days as it's not my preference, it's definitely not a repressed desire. Maybe a few sessions with a couple's counsellor would help you both get past this if it feels unresolved? If you have a good relationship otherwise it seems worth it to try to fight for it.

@Josette77
Just assume that in the scenario the man is legitimately unequivocally 100% straight, and that people can't lie.

100% straight men would not do that.

No one will ever know someone else's sexuality for certain but it's probably best practice to assume most people are honest and know what they identify as.

It would be great if we could assume that most people are honest, but every time there's a thread like this people say that we'd be surprised by just how many 'straight' men are out sleeping with men.

So we're supposed to believe that most people are honest about their sexuality, but also that a huge amount of the straight men we know are out giving or getting BJs from other men and if we question either we're biphobic.

When I was younger two of the crowd of couples we hung around with the men had had encounters with other men.
In both instances they were not homosexual but just experimental and both went on to have families and a loving heterosexual relationship.
In both cases I doubt that they told their wives but I do think that gay experiences are fairly common but a bit more hushed up than female same sex relationships.

I would say It is rather different you having sex with men because of the societal expectation of straightness and pressure to be straight

It is quite different for a man to have oral sex with another man twice and then say they aren’t gay or bi. There is definitely a question mark over their sexuality for them to try it or even be curious about it.

If sexuality of a spectrum they aren’t at the hard straight end of the spectrum. They’re floating around the bi end

biphobia!! 🙄

@BlackPanther75
If sexuality of a spectrum they aren’t at the hard straight end of the spectrum. They’re floating around the bi end

biphobia!! 🙄

Yep.
How on earth is it biphobia to say that someone at the bi end is bisexual?
I'd say it's far more biphobic to be denying that they're bi and saying that they're straight.

Sorry, it's never just once.
The more they do it, the more they want it, and the further it goes.

@Tinkerbell040 I hope this helps as there is a lot of biphobic people on here along with women who have been wronged and want you to be angry with them and ruin your relationship (misery loves company!)

Me and my partner are both bi, we’ve both been with men and women and I know he is more physically attracted to men, but I have no preference. We were pals before so we both knew this but we ended up falling in love and years later we have a beautiful monogamous life and family together. I had issues at first worrying I couldn’t live up to physical expectations as a woman but he made me feel secure and honestly I’ve never had any real reason to worry. I think people are under the premise that we swing or have an open relationship but that’s just not who we are - at this moment we are totally only about each other! I have noticed at some points (when meeting new people) my partner is uneasy to talk about previous relationships and his sexuality, but I truly believe this is due to the stigma attached to being a bi man. As I bisexual woman I’ve never really faced any issues or questioning.

Anyway - in regards to your situation, I really don’t believe your partner has done this so he can drop a bombshell or anything. I think it’s probably plagued his mind as (what he feels is) a mistake he made in the past and wanted to discuss with you, which shows how much trust he has with you. I know an incredible amount of straight men and women who have experimented with the same sex and found it not to be to their liking. It sounds positive that he has been very open with you during this uncomfortable conversation, also thank you for your openness to listen to bi voices in the comments!

I also am aware that certain party drugs can make you be more sexually open and are often used at sex parties, these drugs also make you feel like you are in love or have a deeper connection with everyone around you so this may have impacted the experiences he has previously had.

Only he knows his sexuality and it’s not for anyone to out him. If he says he’s straight then that’s great! Just keep the door open for him to discuss bi/pansexuality if needed. That’s all you can do. You sound like a good, understanding person.

I agree with this. He’s seeing what you’ll tolerate before he lets the cat out of the bag so to speak.