Page 8 | Confession from my partner - advice needed

Tinkerbell040 · 2023-12-18T20:24:57+00:00

Hi this is the first time I’ve posted here so I hope what I post is ok as I am not sure who else I can ask due to the sensitive nature of the topic. my partner recently told me that 5 years ago (when he was single) that he had 2 “encounters” with men. Not the whole way and he says he didn’t do the touch the men but twice he let 2 different men touch him (sorry not sure how graphic I can be and don’t want to offend so trying to be respectful but to make sure you get the idea) they used their mouth but didn’t touch his lips (BJ). Now at the time his wife of 11 years had left him due to his heavy use of recreational substances which he has now stopped completely. He says these incidents are the reasons why, because he did things he was ashamed of and would not have done sober. now this is where my issue stems, he hasn’t cheated on me this was way before my time, however something in my gut is telling me that maybe he has some internalised homophobia and I just don’t want to be a cover story if he truly is gay. We’ve had many discussions about this as I am in no way homophobic and if this was just a bad time in his life and he did stuff he wouldn’t ever do again (behind my back I mean) then I can absolutely be fine with it but then why can’t I get it out of my head? I am not sure if it’s because my gut instinct is telling me otherwise or if it’s because it isn’t something that you hear everyday especially from a male situation. I have many female friends who have been with other women but not men. I am ashamed to say I’ve been through his phone and didn’t find anything that would cause alarm in terms of our relationship but did find a message to an acquaintance of his that he sent back in 2020 that has a sentence in it saying. “Well you are fit” which seemed to be a joke in response to this man saying someone had sent him a d**k pic. I am sorry for waffling but as you can see this isn’t a run of the mill problem I can really talk to anyone about: I guess I just wondered if people would be ok with something that happened in their partners past like this which could possibly mean I would get my heart broken by him even though he has never given me reason at all to think he’s cheated. I clearly can’t compete with a male if that’s what he prefers but he insists it’s something that happened under the influence of some crazy d**gs which he no longer takes and is so insistant it’s me wants to be with but then why is my gut not letting this go

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 23:28

monkina · 18/12/2023 23:02

As a bisexual 47 year old woman, I can perhaps try to explain that if you are bisexual it is perfectly normal to feel comfortable with either sex. Being bi-sexual does not mean that you are more highly sexed, or that you may be more of a cheating risk. Just simply that you are capable of being attracted to both sexes.

It sounds very much like he is in denial of his bi-sexuality though, blaming the drugs etc.

If he likes you, then he likes you- don't worry about him cheating JUST because he is attracted to both.

Thank you so much. Silly as it sounds a simple explanation like that makes things feel more clear when my head has been eating itself over this for a while now xx

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foxlover47 · 18/12/2023 23:29

You don't have to feel bad for worrying , I do think after being with him , for three years I think you said , that you would know what kind of man he is and whether he was relapsing back onto drugs etc.
It seems he was telling you his past and we all have one , if he makes you feel he's kind and he loves you , leave the past where it is , the drugs would be my biggest worry and you have no worries on that level.
When I look back on my past encounters , although they were all straight ones I made mistakes too
Hope you're feeling ok and take your time to think and feel what you're feeling , I would take him on the man he is now , with you

CognitiveBehaviouralHypnotherapy · 18/12/2023 23:29

OP, is your relationship happy?

You mention your 'gut feeling' that can't let go of the doubt about your partner. You also mention you've been in an abusive relationship.

People who have suffered trauma can develop a distorted gut feeling. Just throwing this out there as something you may want to consider.

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 23:31

5128gap · 18/12/2023 23:10

Its quite a leap for a heterosexual man to make from recreational drug use to having sex with other men. Your partner is using the first to explain the second, but it really doesn't. I think that's what would concern me most tbh, his denial about his capacity to be sexually interested in men. Because if he's not being honest with himself about that, he isn't being honest with you.

I am not sure if it makes a difference but as far as I am aware it wasn’t full sex. As someone who’s taken some recreational drugs I do understand the concept of how they can make you feel more sexually liberated I am more concerned if it was just because of that or if it’s hiding more than that x

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Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 23:32

Stilts · 18/12/2023 23:12

Oh wow this thread has made me so sad today. So many horrible answers to your questions. I am bisexual and bizarrely it has never occurred to me that people might be silently judging me for it, assuming that I am more likely to cheat because of it, until today. I am always encouraging my sons to be themselves and be emotionally open with people; sad that they are growing up in a world where they might be judged for being so open.

I don't include you in this OP, I see that you have genuinely come looking for advice and support and it is great that you are properly exploring how you feel about this before discussing it with him.

I don't think it matters at all whether he is bisexual or not. In all likelihood he doesn't honestly know, because sexuality is a spectrum which we are all on somewhere. But if he feels judged for his past, it is likely to reinforce feelings of shame which he seems already to have.

It is crazy that it's 2023 and I'm having to state this - bisexual people are not more likely to cheat. Unless you also think men who are attracted to both brunette and blonde women are inevitably going to cheat with a blonde woman when married to a brunette one. Having had sex with both genders I can tell you there isn't some mystical different quality to orgasms/intimacy in hetero and homo encounters. You connect with a human, physically, spiritually, emotionally - or not. You're either a person who seeks multiple partners or not (plenty of lovely straight polyamorous people out there; it's absolutely not for me), and you're either someone who could betray a partner's trust or not (plenty of real shits out there, of every single sexual orientation).

All the best to you OP, take the time you need and be kind to this man who sounds great.

Thank you for your kind words. I fully intend to be respectful of him always. I really appreciate your input it’s helped me more than you know x

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ModestMoon · 18/12/2023 23:40

I don't agree that bisexuality is something that must be disclosed prior to dating. As per usual this thread has become quite biphobic. I'm bisexual, I've never mentioned it while dating because I don't think it's relevant to someone's choice of whether to be with me.

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 23:45

CognitiveBehaviouralHypnotherapy · 18/12/2023 23:29

OP, is your relationship happy?

You mention your 'gut feeling' that can't let go of the doubt about your partner. You also mention you've been in an abusive relationship.

People who have suffered trauma can develop a distorted gut feeling. Just throwing this out there as something you may want to consider.

Yes we do have a really lovely relationship which is what I think threw me when I heard as I wasn’t expecting it.

that said the more I read the more I am starting to realise that most of my insecurities come from my past marriage and not my current partner, I am very aware I haven’t been the easiest person to reassure and none of that has been his fault. I am just so used to things going bad it’s like I am waiting for it and this has been the only thing that has caused me any doubt.

I think I have a lot of work to do on myself clearly but this has been very eye opening for me and that’s really helped me

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Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 23:47

khaa2091 · 18/12/2023 23:13

Apologies if I have missed this advice above, but please go and get an STD screen. Your partner sounds as though he has previously engaged in a number of high risk activities and that potentially puts you at risk.

thats not an issue at all. We’ve been together 3 years and we both get tested pretty regularly. I have no worries there so far

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swuahies · 18/12/2023 23:48

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 21:22

The homophobia in this thread is shocking.

Not wanting to be in a sexual relationship with a man who has had sexual relationships with other men does not make you homophobic. HTH.

If this was reversed and she was saying she'd experimented with women when she was single and my dh wanted to leave me you'd all be up in arms.

No, we "all" wouldn't. Every man or woman has the right to not be in a sexual relationship with another person for any reason, not just the reasons you find acceptable.

For me it's not about homophobia.

I could be happy with a bisexual man who was open & honest about it, if he acknowledged & accepted his bisexuality but was happy to be in a monogamous relationship with me. I wouldn't have an issue in the slightest.

However, what I'd have an issue with is a closet bisexual who is in denial about it. The fact he can't admit it and be open (perhaps even in denial to himself) is what would have me running a mile. It would make me doubt honesty in other areas and I'd also wonder if he was gay and I was his cover (based on the fact that he's clearly struggling to accept his own sexuality I'd wonder if he was gay and couldn't accept that)

Pinkpinkpink15 · 18/12/2023 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour you're wrong.

@Tinkerbell040

I understand your pov totally.

let me tell you about my friend, quite the over earning playboy in his day, good looking, enthusiastic, fun etc. had his pick of women, short fun affairs. ONS Etc . Now lives with a woman, started out as a convenience after his divorce but became fond of each ither, live as partners. They 'swing' together, he has sex with others, which she knows about & isn't fussed except he lies about the

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 18/12/2023 23:50

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 20:43

of course we all have a past and believe it or not I am not judging him for that. I am a very open minded person. My worry is, is he too afraid to come out and therefore is convincing himself and if in the end he won’t be able to live a lie (and nor should he have too) guess I am just trying to protect my heart if in the end he is going to want to be with a man.

@Tinkerbell040 ive only read a few messages from PP and I think the comments are harsh
So what if he experimented . So what if he was/is bi. I think as a lot of women would . you are worried as you love him you may feel
confident in yourself as a women but another man makes you feel scared .
Scared he may leave you for a man.

I believe he has stopped drugs .
I also think he can turn his feelings off to men when he keeps himself straight maybe i am
wrong.
What you have to decide is are you confident you are enough . Are you strong enough incase you are not enough .?
Other posters have said which I agree with if it was you with a women nobody would bat and eye .
Only you know .

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 23:51

foxlover47 · 18/12/2023 23:29

You don't have to feel bad for worrying , I do think after being with him , for three years I think you said , that you would know what kind of man he is and whether he was relapsing back onto drugs etc.
It seems he was telling you his past and we all have one , if he makes you feel he's kind and he loves you , leave the past where it is , the drugs would be my biggest worry and you have no worries on that level.
When I look back on my past encounters , although they were all straight ones I made mistakes too
Hope you're feeling ok and take your time to think and feel what you're feeling , I would take him on the man he is now , with you

Thank you so much :0) oh gosh me too! Again I’ve never had a same sex encounter but I’ve definitely made some decisions I have regretted. I do feel we’ve had a very open dialogue about our pasts hence maybe why he felt he could tell me. I think it just threw me for a loop. My last relationship (marriage) has definitely left me with mental (and physical Scars) so I almost don’t know if to trust my intuition or not anymore

he truly is the kindest man, he compliments me (not over the top but enough that I feel loved) and tells me calmly when I am being a little crazy) I think with this one thing he doesn’t want to be hard on me or put his foot down as he understands this isn’t something people hear every day but if this was just a past experience (or even if he is bi sexual) I don’t mind just as long as he loves me and isn’t using me to hide something else but I guess we all are vulnerable on that respect anyone can get hurt for a number of reasons i clearly have self worth issues and I need to work on that x

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Rachaelrachael · 18/12/2023 23:52

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 20:46

If I were you I would be wondering what he's going to "confess" to next. Why, after all this time, tell you about something that didn't involve you, he regrets, and ultimately doesn't matter to who he is as a person?

I think there is a lot more to come. He's testing the waters.

This

taylorswift1989 · 18/12/2023 23:53

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 22:30

Thank you, this reply is thought provoking and what I need.

when I first met him I did think he was quite a camp nature, but quickly learned he was in a 14 year relationship that ended, he was very honest with me and said he went off the rails at that point. He didn’t want the split.

nothing about him makes me feel uncomfortable in anyway and I was really surprised he decided to tell me any of this as I am sure I would never have known.

he isn’t sneaky with his phone I know his password etc we live and work together he goes out maybe once a month with his friends but is always home by 1am I’ve no reason to doubt anything now… but as you say I am such a logical thinker that I am struggling to make it make sense. He told me is ashamed that it happened but it happened more than once, but maybe I’ve interpreted that wrongly because maybe since stopping the partying his embarrassed that the partying got so bad he was doing things he wouldn’t have done if he wasn’t on drugs, he told me at that time he didn’t care if he lived or died. We have a lovely business now our 3 dogs and a nice life just wish my head wouldn’t keep going over this.

i do think maybe I need therapy due to a past marriage and finding it hard to trust what people tell me is the truth. I don’t want to ruin our relationship by pushing this if he doesn’t have anything else to tell me.

Show quote history

Trust yourself. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not right.

Trust yourself to not abandon yourself. Other people are always capable of betraying us. What hurts worse is when we betray ourselves.

You knew your marriage was hurting you but you kept choosing him over yourself. That's why you struggle with trust. Not because you can't tell what's true or what feels good. But because you can't be sure that you'll betray yourself again.

Get clear about that. Work on building good boundaries. Listen to your body. And then decide what to do about your partner. Take the focus off him for now. Choose yourself.

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 23:53

AndThatWasNY · 18/12/2023 23:20

Wow what a small minded thread! About a quarter of my married male friends and a lot of my former lovers have had blow jobs or sex with men and the majority are straight ( most of the time!). Quite a few of my females have had a bit of fun with women. As long as he is definitely off the drugs I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Thank you so much, it’s making me feel better to realise it’s not as unusual as maybe I presumed it was xx

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coldandmiserableinbirmingham · 18/12/2023 23:54

There's a lot more to this. I can see know reason why he'd share this info unless it was to soften the blow to what may be happening behind the scenes. He might be being blackmailed by a gay lover or even a court case pending re sexual offences. I'd tell him to sling his hook, seriously.

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 23:55

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 18/12/2023 23:50

@Tinkerbell040 ive only read a few messages from PP and I think the comments are harsh
So what if he experimented . So what if he was/is bi. I think as a lot of women would . you are worried as you love him you may feel
confident in yourself as a women but another man makes you feel scared .
Scared he may leave you for a man.

I believe he has stopped drugs .
I also think he can turn his feelings off to men when he keeps himself straight maybe i am
wrong.
What you have to decide is are you confident you are enough . Are you strong enough incase you are not enough .?
Other posters have said which I agree with if it was you with a women nobody would bat and eye .
Only you know .

Show quote history

You make a lot of sense! Thank you! I think maybe my confidence is more the issue rather than anything he’s done. I am just scared of being a second prize I guess xx

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VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 18/12/2023 23:57

Tinkerbell040 · 18/12/2023 23:15

Thank you so much for telling me this story, it’s comforting to know I am not alone. And I know it’s not an easy thing to say so I really do appreciate you giving me that. Yes it’s funny even in my own head 2 women being together doesn’t feel the same as two men somehow in terms of how others judge it. I am so glad you have been able to work with what your husband told you and hope I can come back and say exactly the same in time. It’s definitely been a hard one for my to get my head around x

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Yes it’s funny even in my own head 2 women being together doesn’t feel the same as two men somehow in terms of how others judge it.

Under patriarchy, "real" sex involves a penis so lesbian sex isn't really sex, it's just fooling around. That's why a woman with a past same-sex encounter isn't presumed to be gay and looking for a beard to marry the way that a man is.

twilightermummy · 18/12/2023 23:58

Honestly op, as somebody who dealt with this for almost a decade, I urge you to leave now. I became a paranoid wreck and of course, the more digging I did, the more I found...for example - a second phone!

I felt exactly as you did. Nervous of him around other men and wondering whether I'd ever be enough. I questioned his friendships, where he was going out. I think because an image often presented to us in the media of gay men being promiscuous (to my shame) I thought he was up to it everywhere we went. I lost all my confidence and often felt humiliated.

He told me that even if we broke up, he'd find a girlfriend not a boyfriend presumably because we give them so much. Please don't throw your good years away. I'm still quite resentful of that fact and,you're right, it was only fair that you knew this before entering into a relationship with him. It's pure selfishness on his part that he didn't.

I'm very open minded and have friends of all backgrounds but that relationship made me hateful. I hate who I became. Listen to your gut instinct. Please RUN and don't look back.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 18/12/2023 23:59

Bollocks didn't men to post..

anyway he has a LOT of men coming to his house for sex, most of which are happily married. None if them want to be in a relationship with a man, live with a man, they just enjoy the sex occasionally.

all reject the 'hi' title (rightly I feel. Bi is a life choice, not just a sexual choice. It took me a while to understand, but I do now.

you can't be a man, but he doesn't necessarily want a man to be in a relationship with. My friend isn't going to be living with a man now or in the future. But he is going to be having sex with them. As well as the woman he lives with & others.

your bloke might be like my friend, or he might have just experimented & be happy to be a one woman bloke now, who knows??

I do know that nothing he says now will help you because he's already told you he wants you & only you. What more can he say?

I'm not saying I would necessarily believe him, people lie to get what they want. Straight, bi, gay...whatever.

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 00:00

Lostsadandconfused · 18/12/2023 23:25

The homo- and bi-phobia in this thread is quite astounding.

OP, I've had a similar experience with my new relationship. My new partner told me that in his youth he had sexual encounters with men. At first I was quite shocked, but now it doesn't bother me at all. He is quite open about it (but only with me, he said I'm the first woman he has ever spoken about this to) and answers any questions I have. He doesn't identify as bisexual, and we have a very healthy and very active sex life.

He also said I would be surprised how common this is for men, most men just don't admit it. If not full sex then oral sex or mutual masturbation. I believe that, a lot of men have had such experience they would just never confess to it, especially to their female partners.

I've also had several sexual experiences with women, out of curiosity etc. I'm not even remotely bi either.

I've also experimented with other kinks and activities that would have mumsnetter's clutching their pearls, but they aren't things I'm driven to do again. Been there, done that.

Thank you so much: this really does bring me so much comfort to know. Good and bad I am glad I asked this question tonight x

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Vintageport · 19/12/2023 00:02

swuahies · 18/12/2023 23:48

For me it's not about homophobia.

I could be happy with a bisexual man who was open & honest about it, if he acknowledged & accepted his bisexuality but was happy to be in a monogamous relationship with me. I wouldn't have an issue in the slightest.

However, what I'd have an issue with is a closet bisexual who is in denial about it. The fact he can't admit it and be open (perhaps even in denial to himself) is what would have me running a mile. It would make me doubt honesty in other areas and I'd also wonder if he was gay and I was his cover (based on the fact that he's clearly struggling to accept his own sexuality I'd wonder if he was gay and couldn't accept that)

Show quote history

How do you know he is bisexual?! People have all sorts of experiences in their life, those experiences don’t define them forever.

Im a fully paid up card carrying member of the dyke class- I’ve been married to a woman for over a decade. I would never, ever be with a man in a sex or relationship way. It does absolutely nothing for me.

I had sex with a man 18 years ago. It was rubbish and I wasn’t into it- does this make me bisexual in your world?!

If so there are basically no gay people around… most of us have had some experience with the opposite sex. And a hell of a lot of bi sexual women since so many have kissed a mate in a drunken fumble… even though they have gone on to be attracted only to men for the rest of their lives.

Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 00:05

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/12/2023 23:27

Bloody hell, a couple of BJ's when off his tits does not a bi or gay man make!

Nor would being bi or pan mean he is definitely going to cheat on you.

From what you've said, I'd be very happy he's with you because he wants to be, and that he identifies as straight.

I identify as pan, because it is people I find attractive, regardless of their gender. I have had a number of sexual experiences with women, and yet astonishingly have managed to stay faithful to the same man for over 18 years now (despite us not being married).

Who I was 20 years ago is not who I am now. I experimented with recreational drugs, with various sorts of relationship and sexual encounter in my late teens and early 20s. It was fun (mostly) then.

I have absolutely zero desire to do that now, it wouldn't be fun now, my priorities have changed, my sexual tastes and desires have to some extent, changed - I basically grew out of messing around, discovered what floated my boat the most and stuck with that.

I still identify as pan because should something happen to my DP and I were to be single again I could see myself having a relationship with another human being and their gender wouldn't be relevant to me.

It is no wonder so few men will be honest about experimenting when young - if a woman says she's done that with another woman, no one leaps to the conclusion she MUST be bi/pan despite her stating otherwise, and yet SO many people do this with men.

Thank you and I hope my post doesn’t come across as judgmental because that truly isn’t the case. I was just worried that he maybe want to be with men really but felt he couldn’t. That can sound very naive of me but this isn’t something I have much experience in because I am straight. My intention was never to upset anyone just more to try and understand the situation given that I have no experience in this area x

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Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 00:07

Mikimoto · 18/12/2023 23:27

Do you think he'd mind if you told him you'd done some frontbottom-strumming with another girl as a teen?
I think he only told you because he feels so close to you - everything will be fine!!

No not at all and I know other people wouldn’t either which is why I feel so guilty for even questioning it. Clearly I have things to work on too but this thread has really helped me see that :0). X

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Original poster

Tinkerbell040 · 19/12/2023 00:11

coldandmiserableinbirmingham · 18/12/2023 23:54

There's a lot more to this. I can see know reason why he'd share this info unless it was to soften the blow to what may be happening behind the scenes. He might be being blackmailed by a gay lover or even a court case pending re sexual offences. I'd tell him to sling his hook, seriously.

I mean nothing is out of the question but I would stand hanging if it was anything close to this.

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