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Original poster

Do I want to marry a former priest?

238 replies

jotex · 15/12/2023 14:16

I know, I know, only I can answer that, would appreciate some advice from MNers.

I moved to a European city in 2020 (pre-Covid) for my Masters. In September of the same year I met a guy; smart, funny and very handsome…but also a Catholic priest. We met at an event for English people living here, hit it off straight away and ended up kissing that night. (Nothing too raunchy but he was in his priestly getup, so it was different). We kept in touch and started seeing each other for coffee, museums, shows etc. Basically dates without actually calling them dates!

Fast forward to the following year and he announces that he is leaving the priesthood. We started officially dating not long after this but he maintained and still maintains that he didn’t leave for me. He was able to walk into a great career almost right away, doing the exact same thing he did previously when he was a priest, in the same city.

Fast forward some more, things get more serious between us, we start to meet each others families, friends etc and eventually move in with each other in August of last year (still in the same city).

We recently started talking about moving back home and settling down. In my mind this is a pretty big step in the relationship. I love him, he ticks all the right boxes for me and we’re on the same page in many respects but with this potential plan on the horizon I’m starting to think some more (and don’t know if I’m overthinking).

He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order). Also while no longer a practicing priest he is still legally (in the eyes of the church) a priest, and still has a long legal process to deal with, but it’s all internal church politics and not really a problem at all, my anxiety just doesn’t let me accept that.

The thing that’s really been on my mind lately is his being so adamant that he didn’t leave the priesthood for me. Within three weeks of him leaving we were official. Now I’m wondering what’ll stop him from doing the same with me down the line after we’ve settled down, had kids etc. Have genuinely never thought of this before now and don’t really know where it’s come from except for anxiety etc.

We’re still a long way off marriage, but things are going in that direction. I do really love him, but I don’t know if I’m seeing the full picture.

any advice!? Do I listen to these little things nagging at me, or how do I ignore them?

thanks MN!

OP posts:
Loudhousefun · 15/12/2023 20:38

Titchy 😂

JennyForeigner · 15/12/2023 20:39

Should have seen what I did with the communion wine.

SeatonCarew · 15/12/2023 21:02

The thing is, OP, when you're in a relationship, especially one important and special enough to possibly result in marriage, you're supposed to actively embrace it and be an active participant in the process. With you, that's not the impression you give at all.

With you, it's more like you were stood at a bus stop marked "Relationship", and he was the first man that pulled up.

What do YOU actively want?

Are you doing that Catholic starstruck thing because he's (GASP) a priest? Because if you are, stop it at once.

You get to choose, and as others have said, he's really not sounding like catch of the day. Raise your game.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 15/12/2023 21:12

Have you ever read the book or seen the film The thorn birds?
That didn't end well either

Opentooffers · 15/12/2023 21:18

You are 28 so have plenty of time to suss this out. Since he has been living with you, has he become more domesticated or does he use his lack of experience as a getout, rather than learning how to do stuff?
Sex wise, no harm in you suggesting stuff you'd like. I'd say its unusual to start with doggy, not a very intimate position, usually one to move on to. What happens if you show him how you like it?

iljafjpr · 15/12/2023 21:20

Avacardo2023 · 15/12/2023 19:15

He sounds awful and you should definitely throw him back as you can do better.

This thread has really surprised me as I assumed priests in religious institutions would be self sufficient and have to take turns cooking, cleaning, washing etc like any people in shared quarters. I imagined it to be a bit more like army barracks I guess. I am surprised to hear that there are men in their 30s sitting around doing fuck all except praying and working on Sundays or whatever it is they do, with other people waiting on them hand and foot. Make sure you don't take up the role.

The ones in monasteries normally have to get on with it by themselves though these days there are so few monks and priests in religious orders that they do tend to get in outside help.

Parish priests have always had housekeepers running around after them. I can't think of a single one over the years who hasn't had a housekeeper, quite often live-in.
And as I mentioned above, in Austria most of the "parish cooks" or housekeepers are actually in relationships with the priests.

mrboombasticwhy · 15/12/2023 21:25

F

iljafjpr · 15/12/2023 21:27

Some men have a very strong desire to reproduce. This is why many gay men marry and have children etc... be careful he is not just using you for this but will return to the priesthood when he is older

There's no way they would have him back in the priesthood when he's left it and started a relationship with his woman and been laicized which is the process he is going through at the moment.

His guilt might overcome him though and he ends up living in a cloister somewhere, retreating from the world as some kind of lay brother. But not as a priest.

MerryMarigold · 15/12/2023 21:44

You're his transition. It's hard for him to leave you as (even though he days it's not), you are part of the reason he left the priesthood, even if you were just the catalyst. He very invested in you as a result. However, I think the kindest thing is to set him free from that and let him discover who is a bit without the priesthood. Then he can go and find a relationship.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/12/2023 21:54

Olika · 15/12/2023 14:23

'He has basically lived his entire adult like in an institution/seminary, so has never cooked, never cleaned, doesn’t know how to iron clothes etc (he’s 36 fwiw, I’m 28). Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring and he has lots of hang ups. I’m not sex goddess but 99% of the time it’s just doggy, missionary and CIV (in that order).'

^ you must want more from your life partner?

I agree. All of this is awful, and doesn't bode well, whatever his previous job was

Tiny2018 · 15/12/2023 22:02

I'm with MerryMarigold on this.

earthfindwire · 15/12/2023 22:12

Why has the crucifix post been deleted?

This means that if he is sleeping with you, then his immortal soul is in danger and this might be one of the things which is holding him back sexually.

I’m going to use this in future, even with non-Catholic men, if there’s any problems in bed. “Are you worried about your immortal soul? Is that why it takes so long?”

Offwiththecircus · 15/12/2023 22:16

Has the crucifix post gone?
Must admit reminded me of the scene, possibly also deleted, in that rather maligned masterpiece, The Devils.

newyearsresolurion · 15/12/2023 22:18

This boring sex..... and are you also willing to do all the housework??

imho99 · 15/12/2023 22:22

You had me at emotionally cold and boring sex. Is that what you really want?

WotNoSanta · 15/12/2023 23:03

"Emotionally he is very cold. Sex is boring"

This is the issue. The fact he is/used to be a priest is a red herring.

Findinganewme · 15/12/2023 23:17

you listed clearly some quite significant negatives and worries regarding your partner, but just a general statement on you loving him and that he ticks boxes. People can tick boxes on paper, doesn’t mean that they’re the one. It sounds to me, like you know what the right thing is, but things are just catapulting into a certain direction and perhaps, you don’t know how to get out.

there isn’t a ‘way’. Just do it.

Crafthead · 15/12/2023 23:36

You have big enough concerns you're asking strangers on the Internet for advice / get out clauses. Trust your gut.

Original poster
jotex · 15/12/2023 23:51

I haven’t really painted a very good picture of him here but there are good things too! Like I said, he’s handsome, intelligent and funny. I know these things aren’t the be all and end all, but I’m glad that I can say he ticks those three boxes. We like the same things and I like spending time with him, coffee dates, shows, dinner etc. I like coming home to him in the evenings and waking up beside him in the mornings.

He does try with cooking and housework but it is still a bit of an issue. Sometimes I feel he can use weaponized incompetence to get out of doing things. He point blank refuses to iron for fear of ruining clothes for example. I don’t feel like I’m doing everything but sometimes it can feel like I’m doing more than I should be. He likes cooking (or trying to).

He is affectionate and makes me feel loved. Since joining the seminary he has been taught to be particularly distant with women. For example he could not greet women with a hug, only a handshake, but no problem greeting a man with a hug! Don’t ever be alone with a woman. Lots of other weird and down right ridiculous things too that even he could see through and that we now laugh about. We kiss and cuddle everyday and have sex 3-4 times per week typically. I’m his first and only sexual partner ( I have no problems believing this!) and he’s still learning!

Emotions are a difficult subject. Like I said he is affectionate and makes me feel loved but he can be so cold at times which, again, I think comes from his past. Not to be too ominous but death, for example, is a weird one. Earlier this year my neighbour from back home (a lady in her 80s) died; I was really upset and he just didn’t get it and told me (though later apologised) to “get over it”.

He is still Catholic with a big C, so Mass, confession, monthly retreats etc. He is also still attached to his old community, has visited a few times and we’ve had a few of his friends (priests) to dinner. It (the dinner) wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be but I’m not sure how I feel about the ties with the community. In any case they would never ever let him back in, that I know for sure.

sorry if I’ve missed a few things here or if I haven’t made much sense - it’s a bit late here and I’m tired!

Thank you all for the replies, even if they’ve been a bit sobering.

This evening on my commute home I said to myself: “if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he loves me, and I love him”. Kinda freaked me out. I’m just not sure where this doubt is coming from all of a sudden.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 16/12/2023 00:05

Thanks for clarifying the CIV!

If I were you? I wouldn't ever be involved with someone who was highly religious. I just couldn't.

But if I was with someone who was bad at looking after himself, bad at sex, and emotionally cold - I'd have to wonder why I would think about settling for that?

You're only 28. You're wasting the best parts of your youth on this man. I really think you should reconsider. It seems like he needs to learn how to live as a man and not a priest, and you need to set some standards. At the moment they seem very very low.

IngridCavalier1969 · 16/12/2023 00:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Panaa · 16/12/2023 00:41

Emotionally cold and huge hangs up about sex. Those things might never ever be fixed.

Earlier this year my neighbour from back home (a lady in her 80s) died; I was really upset and he just didn’t get it and told me (though later apologised) to “get over it”.

What? A priest said this?

He is still Catholic with a big C, so Mass, confession, monthly retreats etc.

Do you want kids and would you be prepared to raise them like this?

Abi86 · 16/12/2023 00:46

Being handsome, intelligent and funny isn’t enough - unless you set an incredibly low bar. That criteria includes a huge % of the population.

does he cherish you? Does he respect you? (And respectful in general?) Does he value your opinion and listen to you? Does he make an effort? Is he kind and compassionate? Is he hard working and diligent? What’s his view of gender roles?

I fear, based on your description of him, some of the answers to the above questions is "no".

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/12/2023 01:10

I'd love to know what @titchy wrote. Everyone who saw it before Mumsnet fhurer deleted it has enjoyed whatever it was

TyneTeas · 16/12/2023 01:25

I have only read OP's posts

Looking at just a section of what you are asking...

Fair enough if he hasn't had experience of cooking, ironing, cleaning etc

That on its own wouldn't be necessarily a deal breaker, however his attitude to learning and taking on a genuinely fair share (and not just always under your direction) would be pretty key for me

So there is that as well as everything else you need to consider Flowers