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Original poster

Affair- would you ever forgive?

168 replies

Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:33

So last weekend I found out my dp of 9 years was having an affair for 18 months. I found out from her via Instagram messages
It was someone from his work.
We have 2 children together.

It was a unprotected physical affair, and she showed me proof that he said he loves her. So emotional too. He would go away "to do training, or do over night shifts" and that is apparently when he was spending time at hers.

He has admitted to everything except loving her. And they have split up, apparently because she found out about me. Although his version is that she knew about me all along and he has broken up with her. He is desperate for us to stay together, constant begging and apologising.

So I know what I want to do, but I want to get others opinions. Would you stay with him and make it work for the kids?

OP posts:
BloodyAdultDC · 15/12/2023 06:37

Nope.

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:37

BloodyAdultDC · 15/12/2023 06:37

Nope.

Haha straight to the point! Love it

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2023 06:38

No re staying with him. Raise your bar
higher.

Staying for the sake of the children also is a bad idea.

cuckooclock78 · 15/12/2023 06:39

I'm sorry that you are in this situation.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. The most important thing you need to do now is to look after yourself and your children. You must be in shock after finding out about such a betrayal

Radiatorvalves · 15/12/2023 06:40

That’s a long time and a lot of lying. What do you feel about him? Would you ever trust him again? I think it would be a no from me. Sorry OP it’s a hideous situation.

strawberrysea · 15/12/2023 06:40

He's put your health at risk.

He's risked an extramarital pregnancy.

He's lied to both of you.

He's outright lying to your face about not loving her when she has proof to the contrary.

How anyone could forgive this is beyond me.

He has no respect for you whatsoever. Leave.

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:41

cuckooclock78 · 15/12/2023 06:39

I'm sorry that you are in this situation.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. The most important thing you need to do now is to look after yourself and your children. You must be in shock after finding out about such a betrayal

I feel like I have ptsd. Totally in shock!

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 15/12/2023 06:41

Absolutely not.

BlushTeddy · 15/12/2023 06:41

My STBexH had an affair and never admitted to loving the OW either. Two years into ‘reconciling’ he was still looking her up online and clearly did love her.

he is still lying and so it will probably only go one way. Sorry you’re going through this. You don’t have to rush any decisions.

Leafysuburb · 15/12/2023 06:41

God no. He's lied to you for at least 18 months if not more. He's opened you up to STDs (get tested!) Who cares if he loves her or not or is with her or not. Have some self respect and bin him.

I mean how does he get to be the one to decide your life, to lead you along and make you lose 18 months of time when you could have been out there with a DECENT partner or just having fun on your own.

And as for the children, they need good role models, they need to see that women aren't doormats and that you have the power to stop this situation and live a better life.

DustyLee123 · 15/12/2023 06:41

Absolutely not. And get an STI check.

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:41

Radiatorvalves · 15/12/2023 06:40

That’s a long time and a lot of lying. What do you feel about him? Would you ever trust him again? I think it would be a no from me. Sorry OP it’s a hideous situation.

I will never trust him again. I've just woken from a nightmare in my sleep of him and her together. Feel sick.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/12/2023 06:43

I wouldn't recommend staying together.

He lied and gaslit you for 18 months. That's no little deception.

He had unprotected sex with someone else and presumably had a sexlife with you as well, exposing you to risks of STIs.

I did stay with my ex and tried to make it work, but he did it again.

Whenwasthis · 15/12/2023 06:43

He's still not taking responsibility and using the didn't love her, i left her lines. Like you should be grateful for this. Fact is it doesn't matter anyway as the betrayal can't be denied and attempting to play it down shows his lack of trustworthynes and awareness. I can't see it working out.

YourNameGoesHere · 15/12/2023 06:44

No. The trust will be forever gone and you'll naturally second guess everything he says. That's no way to live and you and your children deserve better.

Picoloangel · 15/12/2023 06:44

This is a difficult one and possibly one that you’ll only know the answer to over time. I think I’d find the deceit more difficult than the affair. Eighteen months is a long time.

I think you should ask yourself whether you actually want to remain married to him. It might be that counselling would help with that process. If you don’t, then you shouldn’t stay for the kids.

I also question whether you’d ever have found out if you hadn’t seen the IM. It’s not as if he told you.

I think living with someone you don’t trust will be exhausting and damaging to your confidence. You don’t need to make any quick decisions here but there are a lot of questions to ask yourself.

Ultimately whatever other people say, only you know if this relationship is worth it. Would I stay? Probably not. The difficulty is that often you want to forgive because it’s less upheaval and allows your family to stay together but do you forget? The answer to that is often no.

I’m sorry this has happened. If you do want to leave him get some legal advice and get the ball rolling with the financial matters.

Good luck OP

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:44

BlushTeddy · 15/12/2023 06:41

My STBexH had an affair and never admitted to loving the OW either. Two years into ‘reconciling’ he was still looking her up online and clearly did love her.

he is still lying and so it will probably only go one way. Sorry you’re going through this. You don’t have to rush any decisions.

Sorry you are going through this too, hope you will be free soon

OP posts:
Popetthetreehugger · 15/12/2023 06:45

18 months … that’s a lot of looking you in the eye and lying . If you’re financially good to go then do , if you need time to get ducks in a row then do that , then go . Good luck OP

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:45

Leafysuburb · 15/12/2023 06:41

God no. He's lied to you for at least 18 months if not more. He's opened you up to STDs (get tested!) Who cares if he loves her or not or is with her or not. Have some self respect and bin him.

I mean how does he get to be the one to decide your life, to lead you along and make you lose 18 months of time when you could have been out there with a DECENT partner or just having fun on your own.

And as for the children, they need good role models, they need to see that women aren't doormats and that you have the power to stop this situation and live a better life.

Yes because i have teen daughter too, I don't want her seeing this and thinking it's normal

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:46

category12 · 15/12/2023 06:43

I wouldn't recommend staying together.

He lied and gaslit you for 18 months. That's no little deception.

He had unprotected sex with someone else and presumably had a sexlife with you as well, exposing you to risks of STIs.

I did stay with my ex and tried to make it work, but he did it again.

That's it, if they get away with it once, they'll try again

OP posts:
Goldiex · 15/12/2023 06:46

You poor thing. Went through this myself and I completely get it. I still have dreams about it a ccuple years later.

I did 'forgive' and carried on. I was a fucking nervous wreck, paranoid. It just wasnt the same.

My mum forgave my dads many affairs and they are still together - 40 years, but she has never been properly happy and tbh shes had a horrible life with him.

What are you thinking to do? Logistically ans emotionally?

Panicmode1 · 15/12/2023 06:48

I couldn't personally, but I have friends who have forgiven and rebuilt. However, they were ONS and not long term affairs, and I think that it would probably be easier/less difficult in that situation. 18 months of lying and cheating is a long time, and for me, the deceit and lack of respect for me (and the family) would mean I would be packing his bags....

Letsdocoffee · 15/12/2023 06:48

I am so sorry. It’s utter hell. Your situation sounds similar to mine but we didn’t have children. I stayed, probably not for all the right reasons but after 12 years together and 4 married, our lives were so entwined I didn’t know what to do. I also grieved so much and couldn’t let go. But it ate me alive, no doubt about it. He made further “mistakes” shall we say, things that he absolutely shouldn’t have done ie have ANY further contact with her behind my back, for whatever reasons he told me. In the end I just couldn’t do it. I left in March, he is desperate to recover this, but for me those decisions he made AFTER me finding out, were almost worse. I don’t see him in the same way, it can never be the same for me anymore. Things are very up and down, but I hope getting better. I have had to go no contact with him which I know with kids that’s not possible but it’s been too painful for me to have contact unless it’s in a practical sense. I really hope you are ok, i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Look after yourself xx

DarkDuvet · 15/12/2023 06:49

I tried. It didn’t work. He kept seeing her despite declarations and promises to me.

id never try again. Kick him out now

Autumntimeagain · 15/12/2023 06:51

No, I'd never, ever be able to trust him again, so it would 1000% be over for me.

Remember, HE'S the one who CHOSE to risk his whole families future by chasing, wooing, sneaking, lying and sticking his dick into someone else, NOT you.

So when he says crap like 'I didn't mean it' or 'it wasn't intentional, it just happened' etc what he's actually saying is 'You weren't important enough for me to even stop and consider what me having an affair might do to YOU (or my own kids).

And don't ever fall into the traps that he'll no doubt try to set to make you feel guilty i.e

It's YOUR fault (because he didn't feel 'supported/loved' etc)
Bollocks ! If he felt like that, then it was up to HIM to talk to you to try to resolve this.

Or that HE 'made a mistake', but it's YOU that's choosing to break up the 'family'. Fuck no ! HE did that, and for 18 bloody MONTHS too ! (It wasn't a 'mistake' e.g a messy, drunken fumble in a taxi after a work night out !)

And consider this honestly, do you think that if the positions were reversed, and it was YOU who'd had an 18 month affair, do you think HE'D be happy to 'forgive and forget' and carry on with your marriage ?