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Original poster

Affair- would you ever forgive?

168 replies

Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:33

So last weekend I found out my dp of 9 years was having an affair for 18 months. I found out from her via Instagram messages
It was someone from his work.
We have 2 children together.

It was a unprotected physical affair, and she showed me proof that he said he loves her. So emotional too. He would go away "to do training, or do over night shifts" and that is apparently when he was spending time at hers.

He has admitted to everything except loving her. And they have split up, apparently because she found out about me. Although his version is that she knew about me all along and he has broken up with her. He is desperate for us to stay together, constant begging and apologising.

So I know what I want to do, but I want to get others opinions. Would you stay with him and make it work for the kids?

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaydogs · 15/12/2023 09:46

a222 · 15/12/2023 09:11

have fun with him while he grovels, dates etc and i’m sure you will get good xmas presents lol.

let him think he’s forgiven while you get ducks in a row and xmas sorted for the kids, then in jan you will be able to sort everything out with a level head and be rid of the loser.

I like this plan - I wish I had the kind of confidence to pull that off.

ProjectsGalore · 15/12/2023 09:57

Omg it's one thing to forgive a drunken fumble but an 18 month full on affair is a different kettle of fish! He has shown absolute contempt and disregard for you and his family. I'm sorry op but I couldn't move past this at all. You will never be able to trust him again and that sounds like a life full of heartache!

Letsdocoffee · 15/12/2023 09:57

This. You’ve hot the naiL on the head there. The affair is one thing, but what it does to you as a person is another matter.

rockingbird · 15/12/2023 10:08

I'm sorry you've found this out and sadly know all too well the utter shock you must be feeling. I ended up with ptsd and tried very hard to make it work after discovering the fact my own H had been having an affair (similar situation). It broke me, ate away at my mental health and in the end I had no option but to walk away (he wouldn't leave). Pack a bag for him and ask him to leave to give you space - make sure he knows you're serious! No need to make any further rash decisions until you've absorbed all this and got your facts straight. Get some real life support and lean on them.. don't hide it - this is not your fault!! 5 years on from where you are right now, if I had that time again and I'd have sent him packing long ago. Oh and be prepared for more - you've only got half the story, there will be much more and knowing that sh*t is coming your way will soften the blow. Sending love xx

Bowbobobo · 15/12/2023 10:12

Nope. Too many lies

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 10:22

Hbh17 · 15/12/2023 08:58

Of course. Forgiveness is always possible (not automatic). Sometimes there are more important things, and just ditching a marriage at the first sign of trouble isn't necessarily a solution.

There are no things more important than integrity, and loyalty to your spouse and the children you brought into the world with them.

Lack of those, usually underpinned by fundamental selfishness - is not superceded by anything.

Cheating is known to induce a form of PTSD in its victims. It stays with many of them for life. That's not hyperbole. That's reality.

Also, forgiveness is not always possible. Some people cannot forgive and that is no failing in their part. Some things are not forgiveable.

And - something that's always forgotten - a betrayed spouse can certainly forgive their ex for destroying their marriage and family in its original state (especially in the long run) without staying with them. Forgiveness does not mean staying in the marriage.

A marriage they valued very low and risked.

The cheater compartmentalising and never meaning to end/throw away the marriage is irrelevant - they did that where that was their intention or not. Their inability to take one step back from their gratification and excitement, their self indulgence, their selfishness, their greed - to think about what would happen to their marriage and family if their spouse found out ....and for that matter how they would feel if their spouse was doing this ... Is not anyone's problem but theirs.

Cheating is underpinned by "I'll do what I want, they don't have to know, they don't have the right to know (and they don't have the right to fidelity) " - ultimately they think they should have more rights than their partner in a partnership. That is the bottom line. Their partner is not entitled to the same rights as them in the relationship.

That value system in someone is not surmountable or forgiveable.

MMmomDD · 15/12/2023 10:31

OP - take your time making the decision, it’s your life: Staying after affair is not easy and here on MN is something people do not like to talk a out. It’s almost shameful to admit to doing it. In real life many people do stay.
There are lots of other groups where people discuss it and support each other.
Some fet through and rebuild their relationships. Others end up just chugging along. Have a look at Ester Perel - she has worked with couples for years and has lots to say/write about her experience as a counsellor.
Point is - you do what feels right to you.

As to the OW - I’d not believe her. 18mo and she didn’t know he had a family and kids? Sounds not very believable. Never visiting his place; not being able to call at most times; no holidays together; no travel; no meeting friends and family - etc.

Most likely she has an ulterior motive in telling you.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 10:34

first sign of trouble

An eighteen month affair by one partner isn't the first sign of trouble.

You sound like a member of a conservative religious cult.

Does your cult advocate men staying with wives who take another man's dick for 18 months behind his back too; or is it only women who are supposed to accept and eventually forgive betrayal?

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/12/2023 10:35

No, infidelity is my red line.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 10:38

Have a look at Ester Perel

If you want to listen to verbal diarrhea, word salad, babble aimed at the lucrative market of women whose husbands have fucked someone else but whom they don't want to divorce - maybe.

It's all just affair apologist shit.

There's a strong market for it. It makes money. She's filled that gap in the market - whether she's right about anything, is another story.

And I bet it's mostly women who are going for the voluntary brain washing, not men.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 15/12/2023 10:44

I forgave my partner because it was so out of character after the sudden death of his close family member.
But I didn't forget and went on to have my own affair just to see what the thrill was that I might be missing out on 🤷‍♀️.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 10:47

Whether the ow knew anything or not; is pretty irrelevant ateotd.

It doesn't change his actions.

TammyJones · 15/12/2023 10:58

Hbh17 · 15/12/2023 08:58

Of course. Forgiveness is always possible (not automatic). Sometimes there are more important things, and just ditching a marriage at the first sign of trouble isn't necessarily a solution.

Agree.

I'd want to find out why it happened.
What was happening in the marriage that led to this - (not a popular opinion on MN)
I also don't think, after 18 months OW wouldn't have known he was married.
Also , as pp, OW has picked a suspicious time to tell you.
I don't believe her (another unpopular opinion on MN).
I'd still speak to her though, but would be highly suspicious, why she thought , anything she had to say, would be 'for my own goodI'

Also, if he really had loved her, he would have left you, but he didn't.
(You may mention this to her , if she keeps bothering you - but I'm guessing you're too nice).

Dinodrivingacar · 15/12/2023 11:08

100% no!! I did and 3 years of hell later, I'm leaving. Regret the last 3 years of my life and wish to everything that I'd left the day I found out and never looked back. I know it's hard at the time, especially as it blindsides you and you still have the love. But by god I wish I hadn't stayed. He became super abusive, ended up breaking my fingers and destroying me in every way. Please be stronger than me and do yourself a massive favour and leave him.

Dinodrivingacar · 15/12/2023 11:08

Also, he did go back to her and do it all again a year later!!

caringcarer · 15/12/2023 11:20

strawberrysea · 15/12/2023 06:40

He's put your health at risk.

He's risked an extramarital pregnancy.

He's lied to both of you.

He's outright lying to your face about not loving her when she has proof to the contrary.

How anyone could forgive this is beyond me.

He has no respect for you whatsoever. Leave.

This. How can you want him after he's been shagging his OW without a condom? I'm amazed she didn't get pregnant.

XlemonX · 15/12/2023 11:26

18 months of lies!!!! No way you even consider staying. Its the fact that he had the guts to lie over such a long time without feeling guilt. These things will scar me for life and there will be no point of return for sure. How can you trust again? How can you live in a constant fear for him to do the same thing again? How can you live pretending all is fine in front of the children?
I will only feel sorry for my children for not being able to provide them a nuclear family but i definitely think mentally i would be in a better place and a better mother without him! I know if I stayed i be miserable and more arguments (unhealthy for the children) as I wouldnt be able to forget and move on.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 11:44

What was happening in the marriage that led to this - (not a popular opinion on MN)

It's not a popular opinion on Mumsnet because it is a fallacy.

There are people who are unfaithful without anything being "wrong" in their relationship.

Their relationship may have all the normal pressures and tensions and compromises ... That is life.

But there's nothing fundamentally wrong and their partner is not fundamentally doing anything wrong, or lacking.

It is a refusal to accept basic facts about cheaters characters and value systems and typical behaviours..... That is your failure here.

Some people are just cheaters if the opportunity arises. If their partner takes off the rose tinted glasses, they can usually see that they have character traits of selfishness and entitlement running throughout.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 11:49

I don't believe her (another unpopular opinion on MN).

Who cares?

Whether she knew at any point or not changes not one iota about ops "husband's" actions.

No ow (or om) walks in a closed door. The cheater opens that door. That is generally a series of events, at every one of which, the cheater could have and should have stopped. But they chose not to.

Anyway, ime, the majority of affairs are sought and instigated by men - who lie about their circumstances or at the very least use a script that is older than pyramids to convince their ow that while he may not officially be single, but they actually are single, really ... And will be officially so at some point in the near ish future.

coldcallerbaiter · 15/12/2023 11:56

I do not believe anyone forgives affairs even when they stay and many women had to stay in the past, it was normal. Or nowadays want to stay for the security etc. So put forgiving aside, and think if you practically want or need to stay for now. Anyone who forgives this is odd or I simply do not believe them. People put up a front to try and make it alright so they can live day to day, and not be further humiliated, especially if outsiders know..

So no I would not forgive and I cannot write here what I would do as it is not legal.

Pipsquiggle · 15/12/2023 12:03

It's a no from me as I could never trust him again. An 18 month affair is very different to a 1 night stand.

It's your decision. I have known a couple of people who have stayed together after an affair. I know it took a long, long time for him to regain her trust, it also affected her mental health

coldcallerbaiter · 15/12/2023 12:05

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 10:38

Have a look at Ester Perel

If you want to listen to verbal diarrhea, word salad, babble aimed at the lucrative market of women whose husbands have fucked someone else but whom they don't want to divorce - maybe.

It's all just affair apologist shit.

There's a strong market for it. It makes money. She's filled that gap in the market - whether she's right about anything, is another story.

And I bet it's mostly women who are going for the voluntary brain washing, not men.

Edited

Exactly, it is a way to con women in to feeling better about it and covering up in order to keep things going.

Nah, I would rather have my own affairs if I stayed and tell him to fu k off every morning at breakfast…he can leave if he wants due to being worried I will throw a brick at him….

bawbells · 15/12/2023 12:06

I would think that OW is lying. Like someone else said, this time of year is a classic time for OWs to start thinking about telling the wife, or leaving clues.

A very bad idea engaging in any way with OW. This is what PTSD does, it distorts your view of reality and affects your ability to think rationally.

I would consider my circumstances if I were in your position, OP. Work out what it is you want then work towards that.

Ravenclaw101 · 15/12/2023 12:07

No. It would be tempting because I love him. But it would never be the same again.

ettiespaghetti · 15/12/2023 12:18

I'm about 20 months down the line of forgiving

I mostly don't regret it and in many ways our relationship is better than before , but I don't think I'll ever forget , or fully forgive either

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