Affair- would you ever forgive?

[Lauralizzie]

So last weekend I found out my dp of 9 years was having an affair for 18 months. I found out from her via Instagram messages
It was someone from his work.
We have 2 children together.

It was a unprotected physical affair, and she showed me proof that he said he loves her. So emotional too. He would go away "to do training, or do over night shifts" and that is apparently when he was spending time at hers.

He has admitted to everything except loving her. And they have split up, apparently because she found out about me. Although his version is that she knew about me all along and he has broken up with her. He is desperate for us to stay together, constant begging and apologising.

So I know what I want to do, but I want to get others opinions. Would you stay with him and make it work for the kids?

Couples therapy won't help till he has IC to fix himself. The marriage is 50:50. The betrayal is 100% him and 100% his to fix. Even if you divorce him- your decision which needs no further justification - IC will help him.

No. I wouldn't be able to look at him let alone be in bed with him
A very very drunken kiss yes but not a full blown over 18 month affair

I should add it's happened to me but the other way round
I didn't have a clue he wasn't single for nearly a year and when I found out I told her. He then lied to her and made me out to be a monster, she came to me and said look I need the truth as I think he is lying
I gave her the truth, she believed me (because I had every message ever sent) and he had been telling the most disgusting lies about me

He stayed over, I checked his social media, nothing gave me a clue as to him not being single

I do hope she isn't lying and actually knew about me, else more fool me

Even if she did know about you, she didn't make you any vows. DP did.

She doesn't owe you anything. DP does.

Your relationship was with DP. Not her.

DP is the villain. Not her. And you are definitely NOT a fool. You are a victim. And he is a cunt.

However, I highly suspect DP lied to you both.

"I've just had another 2 hours of him begging me to stay, not taking no for an answer, it's absolutely draining. He wants couples therapy, but I don't want them to force me to say I'll stay with him, when I know I don't want to. Do you think there's a way that couples therapy can help him understand that I will not be with him, but that we can work together to co-parent?"
This is a huge red flag for me, it's still all about him and his needs and wants, isn't it? Despite the fact it's leaving you utterly drained he's still prioritising his wants over your well being. That really tells you all you need to know. I've been on the receiving end of similar behaviour during a relationship breakdown, and they never get it, and they never stop. It's utterly exhausing. They think if they can just wear you down they'll eventually get what they want. What you want and need is never, ever a consideration, and they're really not interested in what you have to say. Remember you don't have to sit on the end of the phone for hours whilst he goes on and on, he's not entitled to your time any more. When I eventually realised this it was so liberating, an enormous weight off my shoulders.
No, I don't think couple's therapy will work in a situation like this, not when he's still utterly incapable of being honest with you, and trying to manipulate you. Couple's therapy is reliant on both of you wanting a resolution that works for both parties and acknowledges both of your needs. He's resolutely still not prioritising your needs, even when he's been caught out in the ultimate betrayal. Couple's therapy can't magically make a selfish, manipulative, narcissistic man a decent or empathetic one. He'll be hoping he can manipulate the therapist the way he's trying to manipulate you and that it'll be two against one to try and bulldoze you into doing what HE wants. You're perfectly entitled to want to end the relationship without jumping through the hoops of couples therapy- he's stripped all of the goodwill out of the relationship with his behaviour and you don't owe him anything. Start reading up on the psychology of what cheaters do when they're caught (Mumsnet is AMAZING for this- 'the script' is a good place to start) and prepare yourself for either the suicide threats/guilt trip or the pure rage/'re-writing of history to blame you' that normally follows in this situation. And keep posting here, lots of women have been through similar, and have a wealth of hard won experience to help you on your journey.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. My opinion may be unpopular but I don’t think you can ever forgive after an affair. My exh had a three year affair which I found out about, I stayed with him after he cried and begged, we rebuilt our marriage and I really thought everything was going to be alright. Our sex life resumed, we were closer than ever until I found out two years later that the affair had never ended. He was still seeing her and sleeping with her. Please leave him and find someone who values you and won’t put you through this hell.

Theres a huge amount of misunderstanding on mumsnet around reconciliation and what it looks like.

Trust does go but can be rebuilt, we don’t all forgive and forget we adjust and adapt to our new normal, the best way I can put it is there is acceptance it happened. Not all cheats cheat again, it’s simply not true.

But the question is should you try and reconcile and honestly that’s for you to decide. You came here for support and you seemed to hear what you wanted to hear. This for me tells me that this is a deal breaker for you. And that’s right for you.

I stayed because it was more right for me, it was the route to me being happiest. Every day I’m glad I did.

Reconciliation is a HUGE risk, although I’m adamant not all cheats will cheat again I do believe they’re a risk unless they look deeply at themselves and why they did this. Cheating shows a huge character flaw, a huge void. Most are too cowardly to do that.

My advice is to take a step back and heal yourself first. Go onto surviving infidelity as you’ll get some really good advice. The posters there are excellent.

You’ll know your path in time.

Absolutely not.

I wouldn't be able to get over a drunken mistake, let alone 18 months of contrived lies and hurt. Bastard.

I would be tempted to stay briefly but that would be purely to make his life hell. Which I'm well aware isn't normal nor healthy.

Absolutely not. 18 months he has been lying to ur face, it's totally unforgivable.

I imagine he will do it again maybe this isn't the first.

😡😡😡
you have no idea!
how dare you refer to finding out your husband is shagging someone else to having PTSD

Don't worry about the OW - even if she truly didn't know he was married. She's not your problem.

Tell him he has to leave, because you and your children won't be going anywhere. He's done enough to ruin their lives, he needs to fuck right off.

Oh ffs!! Do you own ptsd??

@Bertiesmum3 With the greatest sympathy as I suspect you're either a sufferer of PTSD or close to someone who is, I don't think you're being fair to the OP who has made a traumatic discovery.

I have had both the trauma of discovering my exH's extensive lies and infidelity (and it is traumatic) and I also have PTSD from something that happened in my teens, and I know what the OP meant when she was describing how she felt.
^
Peace and love to all, as they say.^

Actually, PTSD is common in those who are the victims of infidelity, so she may very well dare.

@Bertiesmum3 google infidelity and ptsd, there’s plenty on it. In fact it’s becoming more and more well known that infidelity does cause a trauma response. But not only is it a known psychological response and well documented, your comment does nothing to support the OP a woman who is in a great deal of pain right now!

PTSD is common in betrayed women who have often suffered from years of lies, abuse and gaslighting. To have your world turned upside down, to discover your ‘reality’ was not real, is completely traumatising. I’d suggest it’s you who has ‘no idea’.

I was first diagnosed with PTSD over twenty years ago after being raped at knifepoint and badly beaten and left for dead.

15 years later I discovered my husband had been living a double-life for ten years. During that time he’d turned my family against me and they collectively (him and my DM/DB) had me admitted to a psychiatric unit because they thought I was ‘unwell’ after I confided in them about his physical, sexual, mental and financial abuse and my suspicions about other women. They believed him.

The PTSD I suffered from that was ten times worse than the PTSD I had after being attacked. It took three years of weekly therapy and five years later I still have nightmares and will never trust another person again. Do not minimise other people’s experiences.

I’d have to separate. I don’t think I could live with the uncertainty that he wouldn’t do it again.

@Menomeno i am so sorry for what you have been through. Men ruining your life for so many years. I hope you can find some peace xxx

Sorry @Bertiesmum3 maybe PTSD was an exaggeration. I do not understand the real meaning of PTSD because luckily I haven't been through anything serious like I'm guessing you have, I mean no harm. I just was making a point of how traumatic it all seems

Same

The only reason to stay with him would be if you feel certain that what he has to offer would make you feel happier than if you were single or met someone else (more moral).

You're far too nice apologising to her/him.

They're a troll.

And what a way to speak to a woman in your position.

And beyond ignorant because PTSD is common in victims of infidelity and double life living men.

I've reported the post.

You are suffering from PTSD💐

Your whole world as you knew it has been torn apart and sadly I don’t see how you can recover and reconcile after what he has done.

To carry on living a double life for 18 months and risk losing his precious family, takes some sort of warped and selfish mind.

Nahhh. No way. 18 months of lying is far too much to forgive. He knew what he was doing was wrong, it was going on 18 MONTHS.

@AndOnAndOn1000 Ok no.

OP is not suffering from PTSD. PTSD is where you have flashbacks inducing panic attacks where you can't function. A sound / a smell takes you back to the event. You dream about it over and over and wake up paralysed in fear.

What OP is going through is traumatic. It's awful. It's horrendous. But it is not PTSD.

And thank god it's not because even after years of medication, therapy, CBT and EMDR, I only have to get triggered by a smell / a sound / a location and I'm right back at that event.

Affairs are awful. It's one of the most stressful life events an adult can go though. But unless there's exceptional circumstances like in @Menomeno 's case. Affairs won't leave you paralysed in fear, quite literally wetting yourself, because you've had a flashback to when your husband told you he was shagging another woman...