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Original poster

Affair- would you ever forgive?

168 replies

Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:33

So last weekend I found out my dp of 9 years was having an affair for 18 months. I found out from her via Instagram messages
It was someone from his work.
We have 2 children together.

It was a unprotected physical affair, and she showed me proof that he said he loves her. So emotional too. He would go away "to do training, or do over night shifts" and that is apparently when he was spending time at hers.

He has admitted to everything except loving her. And they have split up, apparently because she found out about me. Although his version is that she knew about me all along and he has broken up with her. He is desperate for us to stay together, constant begging and apologising.

So I know what I want to do, but I want to get others opinions. Would you stay with him and make it work for the kids?

OP posts:
Rania78 · 15/12/2023 07:57

Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 07:52

Yeah I feel sorry for her too. She's had to take time off work because she's also very upset. I've had a good chat with her and we have both been very supportive to each other. But I do hope she isn't lying and actually knew about me, else more fool me

Show quote history

How is it possible to have a relationship with someone for 18 months and not pick up that he is married? Where is he at weekends? Xmas? Holiday? I really don’t know how this can happen.

Could it be that he split with her and she came to you with this story hoping you would leave him? Which he deserves anyway. Well…they deserve each other.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 15/12/2023 07:58

Personally I couldn't. I think I could get over a one night stand, once. But 18 months of lying, sneaking off, and in that time there must have been feelings, I couldn't get past that.

DreamTheme · 15/12/2023 08:00

Yeah I feel sorry for her too. She's had to take time off work because she's also very upset. I've had a good chat with her and we have both been very supportive to each other. But I do hope she isn't lying and actually knew about me, else more fool me

She may be telling them truth but her feelings are not yours to deal with so don’t get involved with her. Don’t speak to her again. You have enough to cope with. She may take him back if you end things with him, I’ve known that happen a few time’s.

I’d never forgive and would kick him out. Bastard.

GreyCarpet · 15/12/2023 08:00

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't want to he with someone who respected, valued and cared for me so little.

I wouldn't forgive a one night stand either for the same reason.

I could get over the having had sex with someone else but not the rest of it.

Olika · 15/12/2023 08:01

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I would never stay with my DH if he cheated. I simply couldn't as I believe in being with someone as long as they choose you back. The moment my DH stops choosing me/our marriage/what we have created my wall would go up and there's nothing he could do to bring the wall down again.

C1N1C · 15/12/2023 08:03

If you can cheat, the feeling isn't there in your heart. The reason he wants to stay is because you're his backup.

Is that who you want to be?

Nicole1111 · 15/12/2023 08:03

I could at a push forgive but I would never forget which would mean if I stayed I would be sentencing myself to a life time of anxiety, low self esteem, doubts etc, and I know I deserve more than that so I wouldn’t stay. I’d be honest but very gentle with my children while showing them what self respect, setting boundaries and prioritising myself looks like and leaving.

Humanswarm · 15/12/2023 08:03

I don't think you can ever get past this. Even if you tried and he makes all the right noises, does all the right things you can never forget.
I'd be dubious about the affair partner OP. How does someone you work with not know you're married? Like another poster has said, where does she think he was whilst with you and your children? I feel you may be clinging on to the fact she didn't know, as that gives you power. Two hurt women and one bad man. Thats not so bad, it fits a better narrative , one person doing the dirty, not two. But she's not your responsibility, you don't need to support her, or that will drain you emotionally too. Concentrate solely on yourself, and your DC now..

SheIsStuck23 · 15/12/2023 08:04

18 months?!

Jesus!

There’s no way on earth I’d be staying with him.

A one-off transgression could potentially be worked through…..but 18 months of lying to you and choosing to be away from you and his children in favour of having sex with another woman?

It is 100% unforgivable.

He hasn’t given a shit about lying to you and deceiving you for the last 18 months and now suddenly he’s got a conscience and wants you to forgive him?!

No way.

Rania78 · 15/12/2023 08:06

C1N1C · 15/12/2023 08:03

If you can cheat, the feeling isn't there in your heart. The reason he wants to stay is because you're his backup.

Is that who you want to be?

One of the best and straight to the point post.

His back up and you lose a world of opportunity that is out there.

Zanatdy · 15/12/2023 08:06

OhWhatToCook · 15/12/2023 07:56

If my partner came home and said OMG last night I got smashed at the Christmas party and woke up in someone’s bed, I might be able to forgive him.

Having an affair for 18- months is a whole other scenario. The lies, manipulation, gaslighting, family money spent, sexual health roulette and deceit that must have been used to keep the truth from you is the size of a mountain. He can never be trusted again.

So, no. Get your ducks in order, then kick him out.
There’s no need to feel guilty. He’s the one who is the liar and home-wrecker.

I agree with this. I’ve done some dumb stuff when totally drunk and I don’t think it’s at all comparable to 18 months of lying and cheating. The first I could get over, the second no. Be careful of getting too close to the other woman slagging him off as likely she’s lying to you. Just be careful.

Littlegoth · 15/12/2023 08:07

Put this one in the bin. It probably is true that she dumped him when she found out he wasn’t single, and now he’s back peddling because he didn’t expect to end up with neither woman. You are worth so much more.

similarminimer · 15/12/2023 08:13

I would try and forgive.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 15/12/2023 08:14

Even if you decide to stay, this will be always be there. Your marriage as you knew it is gone forever. He is not who you thought he was. That will sit inside you gnawing away at your self esteem and sanity for the rest of your life. You will never know peace of mind again. This wasn't an ill judged drunken one night stand, although that would be bad enough. This was a long term double life where he lied to your face on a daily basis. He also betrayed his kids too, don't forget. He knew what he was doing to his whole family and he did it anyway. There is no forgiveness or getting past something like this in my opinion. So sorry this happened to you. You are strong, you deserve better and you will be okay.

Littlegoth · 15/12/2023 08:17

Rania78 · 15/12/2023 07:10

Also, one question to all of you that have forgiven affairs. Don’t you feel more tempted/prone to cheat after this? I would have let all my walls and guard down and cheat whenever an opportunity came up.

My ex cheated on me and gaslit me. By the time I found out I had been right it was a few years down the line and we were married. Knowing he had cheated and I was now married and stuck really affected my happiness. I felt like I had been cheated twice, as I’d had my choice in how to continue taken away too.

6 months down the line I met up with an old friend, and 3 months after that I’d left my husband. 13 years on I am blissfully happy with old friend. I wouldn’t say that it made me tempted or prone to cheating, but it certainly meant I didn’t feel guilty when I left him in order to start a new relationship. I didn’t feel guilty in telling him I was leaving him for another man, either. I’m still not sorry. I have a couple of friends who have similar stories.

OP I suppose that’s the other side of the coin. You might try to continue and be very aware that your happiness is never quite reached. One day you might spot an opportunity for happiness and think ‘fuck it, why not’.

OhWhatToCook · 15/12/2023 08:24

I wouldn’t 100% trust OW either. There’s no need to feel sorry for her.

2 things I’ve learned on MN;

If you can’t save your marriage, save yourself.

You don’t need to make any decisions yet. Do it in your own time. You don’t owe him anything.

He must be sh!tying his pants. His 2 betrayed women are talking to each other. He’s a cornered rat. I’d actually torture him with that. Anything he said to me, I’d say “hmm, let me ask <OW’s name> about that”, or “that’s not what OW said”. I’d make out we were besties and watch him squirm.

alwaysmovingforwards · 15/12/2023 08:33

Personally no, I'd not stay.

Without trust, you have nothing in a relationship imo.
In business I'll terminate contracts if there is a lack of trust, so I certainly wouldn't accept this in my personal life which is more important!

But it's up to you. You set the bar of what's acceptable or not for you, nobody else. I've seen people stay in second class relationships because they feel even though it's shit, it's still the best life they'll have vs being single and finding someone better. It rarely works out long term as resentment sets in a and the mind games them last a lifetime. Seems a shame to me that some folk lack such basic confidence in themselves to walk away from shit people, but hey ho, each to their own etc.

OhWhatToCook · 15/12/2023 08:34

How is it possible to have a relationship with someone for 18 months and not pick up that he is married?

I think she’s lying too. They work together. 18 months is a long time. Adults get engaged as short as this. It’s an established relationship, with feet under the table. She may have got to 18 months and expected him to leave you, and his DC, and be with her. He probably pushed back on that, and she’s dumped him.

She’s not trustworthy. She probably knew about you, and is an accomplished liar. Be careful. Get the info you need from her, the evidence, and then block her.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/12/2023 08:36

She would've known about you all along. He would've needed a lot of reasons otherwise as to why he couldn't see her more often. Think of times like Christmas Day when he was spending it with you. If he was single, he would have spent it with her wouldn't he?

He may well have told her he loved her because he knew that's what she wanted to hear, and because he didn't believe himself, he just doesn't pay any attention. However, for her, that would be confirming her feelings.

I've been in a similar position and forgave and then lived to regret it. I would cut it dead now if I were you. You will be in shock. It's a absolutely awful experience and I'm so sorry for you.

DarkDuvet · 15/12/2023 08:39

This time of year is a classic time for OW to get fed up and inform the wife

Mornusting · 15/12/2023 08:43

Whattodowithit88 · 15/12/2023 07:50

I bet she didn’t know about you all along and thought she was with a nice single bloke who loved her, I imagine she was absolutely furious to find out about you as he has lied to her and stolen 18 months of her life. He just says whatever it is that needs to be said, that’s all. His words mean absolutely nothing.

I would think that in 18 months you would know that someone was in a relationship elsewhere - you have never been to their home, you haven't been on holidays etc. It would be pretty obvious. I wouldn't believe her tbh but really that is not important in the bigger scheme. HE knew he was in one yet it didn't stop him and if not discovered he would be still at it.

shieldmaiden7 · 15/12/2023 08:54

I wouldn't be able to stay with him. Even after one time I wouldn't but 18months! You'll never be comfortable and relaxed around him again. You deserve to be loved unconditionally not have your love split between yourself and another woman. I'm sorry it's happened and breaking up after a long relationship is hard but you need to be selfish and think about your children. I know he's apologised but he's only sorry because he got caught. Where was his guilt over the past 18 months?

Hbh17 · 15/12/2023 08:58

Of course. Forgiveness is always possible (not automatic). Sometimes there are more important things, and just ditching a marriage at the first sign of trouble isn't necessarily a solution.

a222 · 15/12/2023 09:11

have fun with him while he grovels, dates etc and i’m sure you will get good xmas presents lol.

let him think he’s forgiven while you get ducks in a row and xmas sorted for the kids, then in jan you will be able to sort everything out with a level head and be rid of the loser.

JerkintheMerkin · 15/12/2023 09:45

No! They cheated. Would have told them at the very beginning if it ever happened they'd be shown the door - there is the door. I have enough to worry about without that extra worry.