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Original poster

Affair- would you ever forgive?

168 replies

Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:33

So last weekend I found out my dp of 9 years was having an affair for 18 months. I found out from her via Instagram messages
It was someone from his work.
We have 2 children together.

It was a unprotected physical affair, and she showed me proof that he said he loves her. So emotional too. He would go away "to do training, or do over night shifts" and that is apparently when he was spending time at hers.

He has admitted to everything except loving her. And they have split up, apparently because she found out about me. Although his version is that she knew about me all along and he has broken up with her. He is desperate for us to stay together, constant begging and apologising.

So I know what I want to do, but I want to get others opinions. Would you stay with him and make it work for the kids?

OP posts:
NeverAloneNeverAgain · 15/12/2023 06:52

It would depend on lots of things. Do you actually want to try work through it? Will you ever be able to trust him again - not immediately but at some point in the future? Staying in a relationship after an affair, IMO, includes rebuilding the trust and getting to a point where you can move forwards. If in 10yrs time you think you're still going to feel worried or unsure or resentful and it comes up in every argument then no I wouldn't put myself or my children through it.

Would he have told you himself do you think? It doesn't sound like he had a crisis of conscious and confessed voluntarily. You found out so presumably approached him?

They work together and this probably isn't going to change so how do you feel about him still having contact in this way?

Ultimately it's your decision. Do what will make you feel happy and don't settle or disregard your worth and happiness for the sake of children if it's not what you feel is best for you. Children will be happy and secure if their parents are whether that's in 1 house or 2.

On a side issue it's a shit thing and whatever you choose give yourself time and opportunity to feel however you feel about it

NorthernAttitude · 15/12/2023 06:53

No, I couldn't get past that to keep my relationship. I can understand why some affairs are forgivable but what you describe is just too much lying and deceit all round. And he's still not being honest. I could not live with that. Good luck, I hope you find peace.

SpringleDingle · 15/12/2023 06:55

Hurting you was the last thing he wanted to do… but it was still on the list!

No I wouldn’t forgive because I know I am not a very forgiving person at all. Even if I tried I know deep down it would be there forever in the back of my head.

allitdoesisrain · 15/12/2023 07:02

Me, no I couldn't. I couldn't get past that he's put my health at risk by being with me and her at the same time. I couldn't get past that he's done that for 18 months (though once is enough for me). I'd also want my children to know that they don't have to accept this sort of treatment.

mrssunshinexxx · 15/12/2023 07:03

If your son or daughter came to you and said dthe same had happened to them in 30 years what would your advice be?

jelly79 · 15/12/2023 07:07

I've tried and it was so painful, treading on eggshells and desperate for him 'to pick me' and I felt like I had no voice because I had chosen to stay and therefore let it go. It broke me up.

But it felt the easier choice than going through a breakup which was inevitable in the end. It felt relief (and pain) in the end that he had killed our relationship and I needed to look after myself.

So sorry you are going through this x

Rania78 · 15/12/2023 07:08

Hi OP,
Same boat here only we don’t have children.
I am leaving him and - although way more difficult - I would do the same even If we had kids.

Of course for me the cheating and lies is the last nail in the coffin. There were many other signs I should have probably left him 2 years ago.

Now, like your husband mine begs for a second chance etc. I firmly believe that the only reason they beg is because they became unsettled and they are losing their comfy life. Moving to another house, paying double money etc. You do not deserve this. You deserve someone who loves you.

I understand that you may feel frozen now and don’t know what to do. Don’t know what your financial situation is but ideally I think you should ask him to move and explain to the children the situation gently. They should know that this behaviour is wrong and not acceptable and have good role models.

Rania78 · 15/12/2023 07:10

Also, one question to all of you that have forgiven affairs. Don’t you feel more tempted/prone to cheat after this? I would have let all my walls and guard down and cheat whenever an opportunity came up.

TwilightSkies · 15/12/2023 07:22

Absolutely not! He’s been in a full on relationship with someone behind your back for a full 18 months. He’s must have told you literally THOUSANDS of lies.

Take your power back and dump his deceitful ass.

TheKnittedCharacter · 15/12/2023 07:25

No, I couldn’t forgive. It would ruin my self esteem and I’d never trust him again. My friend forgave her husband when he had a brief fling a few years ago. They are still together but she’s never been the same.

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 07:26

Thank you, you have all confirmed my thoughts. But obviously I feel guilty for the children, so wanted to see if you guys could make me feel better for my decision! And guess what.... every single one of you has helped me realise I can leave him, it's all his fault and my children will be happier if I'm happy!!!

Thank you xx

OP posts:
k1233 · 15/12/2023 07:26

It comes down to trust. For me, once trust is gone, it's gone. I can't come back from it.

If you do decide to try to continue, he has to do all the hard work until you are comfortable again. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, he needs to stop. If he minimises your feelings, you're just dragging out the inevitable as you'll never rebuild trust.

theleafandnotthetree · 15/12/2023 07:35

Him saying he didn't love her (however true that is) makes it worse not better in my eyes. So he risked everything for someone he didn't even have feelings for? He fucked somebody for 18 months and dropped her like a stone when caught? Doesn't say much for his character either. (Obviusly I wouldn't expect you to care about her but it goes to his attitude to women generally). Basically, he'll suit himself and tell any amount of lies to keep whoever is in front of him happy at the time. What a worm.

Rania78 · 15/12/2023 07:35

I think it also comes down to self worth. The cheater never stays because he/she loves you. They are staying for personal and financial reasons. We deserve someone who really loves us.

littleburn · 15/12/2023 07:41

No. You know what he is capable of now and will never, ever trust him again. If you stay, you will become paranoid, second guessing everything he does, checking his phone etc, etc. It utterly erodes your mental well-being. I say that as someone who gave a cheater a second chance. And guess what? He cheated again.

LadyDaisy42 · 15/12/2023 07:41

So sorry this has happened to you OP. I think you knew the answer when you made the post, sometimes it's just saying it "out loud" helps us affirm what we already know. I hope you've got lots of support and wish you lots of strength to get through the upcoming change for your family. You and your children deserve better, much better. Don't forget that.

Dhamaneedsanewjob · 15/12/2023 07:42

I left.

i have more respect for myself than to compromise who I am as a person. He had no respect for me or himself, why would I want to waste the rest of my life with someone who has no integrity or someone who could lie to me, repeatedly at that?

it’s hard at times but I have no regrets.

SarcasmAndCoffee · 15/12/2023 07:44

Nope. Staying with him “for the kids” is toxic. Children need a happy and safe home - not one filled with mistrust and hurt and anger. Children pick up on these things more than we realise. They would be happier with two separate houses then one house with two unhappy parents and a damaged childhood (trust me).

sorry OP this sounds really tough on you. Remember that time will heal your feelings but men are shits x

charlieparkerplaying · 15/12/2023 07:48

Autumntimeagain · 15/12/2023 06:51

No, I'd never, ever be able to trust him again, so it would 1000% be over for me.

Remember, HE'S the one who CHOSE to risk his whole families future by chasing, wooing, sneaking, lying and sticking his dick into someone else, NOT you.

So when he says crap like 'I didn't mean it' or 'it wasn't intentional, it just happened' etc what he's actually saying is 'You weren't important enough for me to even stop and consider what me having an affair might do to YOU (or my own kids).

And don't ever fall into the traps that he'll no doubt try to set to make you feel guilty i.e

It's YOUR fault (because he didn't feel 'supported/loved' etc)
Bollocks ! If he felt like that, then it was up to HIM to talk to you to try to resolve this.

Or that HE 'made a mistake', but it's YOU that's choosing to break up the 'family'. Fuck no ! HE did that, and for 18 bloody MONTHS too ! (It wasn't a 'mistake' e.g a messy, drunken fumble in a taxi after a work night out !)

And consider this honestly, do you think that if the positions were reversed, and it was YOU who'd had an 18 month affair, do you think HE'D be happy to 'forgive and forget' and carry on with your marriage ?

This with bells on

Whattodowithit88 · 15/12/2023 07:50

I bet she didn’t know about you all along and thought she was with a nice single bloke who loved her, I imagine she was absolutely furious to find out about you as he has lied to her and stolen 18 months of her life. He just says whatever it is that needs to be said, that’s all. His words mean absolutely nothing.

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 07:52

Whattodowithit88 · 15/12/2023 07:50

I bet she didn’t know about you all along and thought she was with a nice single bloke who loved her, I imagine she was absolutely furious to find out about you as he has lied to her and stolen 18 months of her life. He just says whatever it is that needs to be said, that’s all. His words mean absolutely nothing.

Yeah I feel sorry for her too. She's had to take time off work because she's also very upset. I've had a good chat with her and we have both been very supportive to each other. But I do hope she isn't lying and actually knew about me, else more fool me

OP posts:
Picoloangel · 15/12/2023 07:53

You also need to remember that his behaviour ended your marriage not yours. You shouldn’t feel guilty for your children, he should.

HeraSyndulla · 15/12/2023 07:56

Hopefully you are financially secure if you take the nuclear option.

OhWhatToCook · 15/12/2023 07:56

If my partner came home and said OMG last night I got smashed at the Christmas party and woke up in someone’s bed, I might be able to forgive him.

Having an affair for 18- months is a whole other scenario. The lies, manipulation, gaslighting, family money spent, sexual health roulette and deceit that must have been used to keep the truth from you is the size of a mountain. He can never be trusted again.

So, no. Get your ducks in order, then kick him out.
There’s no need to feel guilty. He’s the one who is the liar and home-wrecker.

ChateauDuMont · 15/12/2023 07:57

I I would never stay after an affair or any kind of cheating.

You o my have one life, why downs it with someone who has no respect for his marriage vows or for you.

If it's true what she said he also lied to her.

Lying and cheating are major character flaws and I would not want to spend my time with such a nasty man.