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Original poster

Affair- would you ever forgive?

168 replies

Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:33

So last weekend I found out my dp of 9 years was having an affair for 18 months. I found out from her via Instagram messages
It was someone from his work.
We have 2 children together.

It was a unprotected physical affair, and she showed me proof that he said he loves her. So emotional too. He would go away "to do training, or do over night shifts" and that is apparently when he was spending time at hers.

He has admitted to everything except loving her. And they have split up, apparently because she found out about me. Although his version is that she knew about me all along and he has broken up with her. He is desperate for us to stay together, constant begging and apologising.

So I know what I want to do, but I want to get others opinions. Would you stay with him and make it work for the kids?

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 12:20

No I would leave him.

He lied to you for 18 months.
He'd still be lying now if she hadn't found out and told you. He'd still be with her now.
He fell for her.
He put you at risk of STI and risked a pregnancy with her.
You don't have to scarifice your happiness, peace of mind and self respect by staying with him. Your children will be better off if you are able to be yourself and not living a lie. I don't think you could ever trust him again, after all. And what is a relationship without trust?

Thewondererhasreturned · 15/12/2023 12:25

Never stay with someone for the sake of kids. You are teaching them its okay for someone to treat you bad and disrespect you but you must stay with them anyway. You will end up unhappy, possibly arguing, lacking trust and your kids are happiest when you are both happy and that sounds like it may now be apart. It will take time but you will get stronger and end up happier as a result of this. Don't sentence yourself to a life of betrayal and misery, you only live once make it count and show your kids this is how you be strong and stand up for yourself and walk away from the lying idiot. I'd be more inclined to believe the woman aswell he said he loves her in messages then lies to you saying he didn't mean it. He doesn't love you or her only himself and he won't stop at one.

Lavenderandbrown · 15/12/2023 12:35

Having experienced this very situation it’s hard to read ET. IME the cheater always minimizes the length of time and often the number of affair partners. They lie to get out of the house and to get back in the house. Thousands of lies.The cheater is comfortable with and feels cheating is an acceptable practice for dealing with life…bored getting older too little attention and thousand other excuses. Because of this ability to feel it’s an ok coping mechanism they will do it again. I personally have never known any couple that successfully survived an affair. One went a long time but he cheated again. Two are currently “in reconciliation” but I can’t believe these smart beautiful women can ever feel the same. Their cheating spouses cheated for years with multiple partners. I think it’s mainly based on money. Also thoughtfully consider your life together because for me cheating was only one painful aspect of a very painful and abusive marriage. I didn’t know about mumsnet back then😏 was young with small DC and don’t want to disappoint my parents. Yep my parents.

OhWhatToCook · 15/12/2023 12:38

What was happening in the marriage that led to this - (not a popular opinion on MN)

I know a couple of men who have cheated, or are cheating. The first was perfectly happy in his marriage until someone single and better looking came along and showed an interest in him. He is now living with her, 2 hours away from his DC. What a catch he is?

The second is currently having an open affair with a much younger woman. He too had a lovely family, until someone younger at work showed an interest in him. His exW only learned she was lacking in all departments once he had left.

I've moved countries a number of times, had a terrible pregnancy, had fertility treatment for 6 years and a whole other long list of life pressures on me and my DH. To my knowledge he hasn't cheated and I put that down to him not being an arsehole.

Men who cheat on their wives and children are just weak arseholes. It's funny how all the excuses and blame, on the wife come out after they have cheated, never before to try and rectify it.

It wasn't me, honest guvner, she made me do it.

bloomieblu · 15/12/2023 13:09

Think how serious your own relationship was with him by the time you were 18 months in. He’s lying to you STILL saying he doesn’t love her, and that he broke up with her rather than vice versa. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for, it’s not your fault that he is not the man he said he was and that virtually every utterance that comes out of his mouth is a lie. My mum stayed in a relationship where she was treated like a doormat, I was desperate for her to leave, even as a kid. It did so much damage to me and my sister’s perception of what a normal relationship is, I’m still unpicking it now in my 40s. You and your kids deserve so much better.

TammyJones · 15/12/2023 13:24

@Ladolcevita233
I don't believe her (another unpopular opinion on MN).

Who cares?

Well seeing you're asking @Ladolcevita233 obviously OP as she's taking time her.

TammyJones · 15/12/2023 13:25

**talking

Eleganz · 15/12/2023 13:30

I could not forgive. I tried and stuck with it for almost 2 years but I could not forgive my ex's betrayal. I would not recommend doing what I did, better off making up your mind now and leaving him. You will be better off.

As for the love thing, I mean who gives a fuck whether he loves her or not? It was 18 months of lying and betraying you. His feelings towards her are irrelevant.

TammyJones · 15/12/2023 13:41

Eleganz · 15/12/2023 13:30

I could not forgive. I tried and stuck with it for almost 2 years but I could not forgive my ex's betrayal. I would not recommend doing what I did, better off making up your mind now and leaving him. You will be better off.

As for the love thing, I mean who gives a fuck whether he loves her or not? It was 18 months of lying and betraying you. His feelings towards her are irrelevant.

Love ?
It's really important.
A lot of women / men in real life do forgive an affair.

Why ? Because of love.

In my thirties I would have agreed with all LTB.
but now , somewhat older, I would not.

There are different types of affairs
Exit affairs - he's gone
Mid life - seen this many times-
Hopeless philander
DH is put to back of list, after kids, in-laws , work , mates, hobbies.

But people make mistakes and no one knows what goes on behind closed door.

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 15:00

Thank you all

Yes it really doesn't matter if he loved her or not, and it doesn't matter it she knew about me or not.

Because he did what he did either way. And it went on for that long either way. Not a drunken accident, he went to her house after work each time, all planned, with packed bag.
He also met her mother, took her a box of chocolates.

Basically I've stopped talking to the OW since Monday, not bothered what else she has to say, I got the info and proof I needed.

I've just had another 2 hours of him begging me to stay, not taking no for an answer, it's absolutely draining. He wants couples therapy, but I don't want them to force me to say I'll stay with him, when I know I don't want to. Do you think there's a way that couples therapy can help him understand that I will not be with him, but that we can work together to co-parent?

OP posts:
Dinodrivingacar · 15/12/2023 15:04

Well done to you for being strong. Honestly you will be so much better off without his cheating ass. I wish you all the best for the future. If it was me, I wouldn't engage with couples therapy. I'd just try and "grey rock" and separate. You could tell him to go to therapy alone to try and get some perspective but why should it be on you! You need to focus on yourself and moving on, not helping him.

Olika · 15/12/2023 15:12

Personally I wouldn't have any patience or understanding to go through therapy with him just because he needs to learn how to carry the consequences of his actions. He made his choice to have an affair knowing it's wrong.

category12 · 15/12/2023 15:32

You can go to joint counselling with the stated aim of an amicable split, if you wanted to. You just tell them from the off that's your intention and decision.

No decent counsellor would try to persuade or force you to say you'll give it another go.

But if you don't want to go, tell him to stick it up his arse. 🙂You're not obliged to try it.

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 15/12/2023 15:51

Picoloangel · 15/12/2023 06:44

This is a difficult one and possibly one that you’ll only know the answer to over time. I think I’d find the deceit more difficult than the affair. Eighteen months is a long time.

I think you should ask yourself whether you actually want to remain married to him. It might be that counselling would help with that process. If you don’t, then you shouldn’t stay for the kids.

I also question whether you’d ever have found out if you hadn’t seen the IM. It’s not as if he told you.

I think living with someone you don’t trust will be exhausting and damaging to your confidence. You don’t need to make any quick decisions here but there are a lot of questions to ask yourself.

Ultimately whatever other people say, only you know if this relationship is worth it. Would I stay? Probably not. The difficulty is that often you want to forgive because it’s less upheaval and allows your family to stay together but do you forget? The answer to that is often no.

I’m sorry this has happened. If you do want to leave him get some legal advice and get the ball rolling with the financial matters.

Good luck OP

This is very sensible advice - be very, very gentle with yourself right now and do what you need to. Only you can answer this question but you can take your time to decide.

I kicked exDH out when I discovered his lies and infidelity because I knew I couldn't create a happy, secure atmosphere for the kids with him under the same roof. I gave the kids wall to wall screens and lots of takeaways while the catastrophic initial shock subsided.

Counselling has helped hugely - I never thought I'd be happy again and while life can be challenging, I'm in a pretty good place now. Take care, OP.

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 15/12/2023 15:54

category12 · 15/12/2023 15:32

You can go to joint counselling with the stated aim of an amicable split, if you wanted to. You just tell them from the off that's your intention and decision.

No decent counsellor would try to persuade or force you to say you'll give it another go.

But if you don't want to go, tell him to stick it up his arse. 🙂You're not obliged to try it.

Also great advice, but let things settle for a bit first. ExDH and I had separation counselling and it helped hugely, not least because he felt he had a chance to put his side of things forward (and eventually the counsellor said he had to accept he'd crossed my lines of acceptability and that he needed to stop trying to change my mind about reconciliation).

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 16:44

TammyJones · 15/12/2023 13:24

@Ladolcevita233
I don't believe her (another unpopular opinion on MN).

Who cares?

Well seeing you're asking @Ladolcevita233 obviously OP as she's taking time her.

My point was that whether ow is telling the whole truth or not; it doesn't make any difference whatsoever to op's husband's choices to date.

That's what I mean by "who cares".

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 16:51

I've just had another 2 hours of him begging me to stay, not taking no for an answer

It's funny how consistent the selfishness and entitlement is across their character.

And what do you think he'd be doing if it was you who'd done this to him; do you think he'd be indulging two hours of you badgering him and insisting he has to stay with you?

Men in this position are generally telling everyone what a slut and bad mother you are, while going scorched earth re. separation & divorce, and setting up your replacement rather sharpish.

Ponderingwindow · 15/12/2023 16:54

A one time thing, maybe. We have a child together and divorce is a big deal. It’s possible we could work past one mistake that he regretted immediately and admitted. It would be critical that he told me before we had any sexual contact. I would want a waiting period and then testing to be 100% sure he was disease free.

a long-term affair that put me at risk, absolutely not.

Loiteringwithoutintent · 15/12/2023 16:56

Cheats lie, the two go together. That said, what you need now is to get out of this betrayal, by divorce or reconciliation. Neither will be easy. I suggest you look at Surviving Infidelity: they can really help you with either.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 17:05

He also met her mother, took her a box of chocolates.

This sort of thing is why I don't think I could ever reconcile with a cheater.

If he ever brought me chocolates, I'd smash them into his face until they were inedible.

Rage aside; that is some next level "I'm a single man", duplicitous, compartmentalisation.
A lack of conscience and integrity that is possibly sociopathic.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 17:11

Oh and regarding the harassment, I would expect some suicidal suggestions soon. That's next in the routine.

They never quite appreciate that you're the one who has the most reason to feel that way, since they chose this, but you're a victim of it. And they've made your life a lie for nearly two years. And forced you into a separation & divorce scenario.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 17:12

Their tune may vary but their lyrics never do;
"Me, Me, Me".

Highlyflavouredgravy · 15/12/2023 17:15

A drunken one night stand maybe but 18 months? Not a chance.

OhWhatToCook · 15/12/2023 17:17

“Begging you to stay”

Don’t you leave. He has to go. I know someone who left, and it’s making it much harder to sort out the divorce as he’s in their house.

He has to leave, not you. Stand very firm.

LifeExperience · 15/12/2023 17:21

Therapy might help him accept that it's over if you make clear that that is the goal and that staying together is NOT the goal. But don't do it unless he agrees that the goal is to split. Otherwise you're just subjecting yourself to more manipulation and drama.

And no, you will never trust him again.