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Original poster

Affair- would you ever forgive?

168 replies

Lauralizzie · 15/12/2023 06:33

So last weekend I found out my dp of 9 years was having an affair for 18 months. I found out from her via Instagram messages
It was someone from his work.
We have 2 children together.

It was a unprotected physical affair, and she showed me proof that he said he loves her. So emotional too. He would go away "to do training, or do over night shifts" and that is apparently when he was spending time at hers.

He has admitted to everything except loving her. And they have split up, apparently because she found out about me. Although his version is that she knew about me all along and he has broken up with her. He is desperate for us to stay together, constant begging and apologising.

So I know what I want to do, but I want to get others opinions. Would you stay with him and make it work for the kids?

OP posts:
Hellsmells · 15/12/2023 23:44

Bertiesmum3 · 15/12/2023 20:28

😡😡😡
you have no idea!
how dare you refer to finding out your husband is shagging someone else to having PTSD

Show quote history

Shame on you for being so small minded to have made that post. Having your life/reality/family totally turned around and destroyed is traumatic. Your pain is not the only pain. Shame on mumsnet for leaving it up.

Hellsmells · 15/12/2023 23:46

AelinAshriver · 15/12/2023 23:37

@AndOnAndOn1000 Ok no.

OP is not suffering from PTSD. PTSD is where you have flashbacks inducing panic attacks where you can't function. A sound / a smell takes you back to the event. You dream about it over and over and wake up paralysed in fear.

What OP is going through is traumatic. It's awful. It's horrendous. But it is not PTSD.

And thank god it's not because even after years of medication, therapy, CBT and EMDR, I only have to get triggered by a smell / a sound / a location and I'm right back at that event.

Affairs are awful. It's one of the most stressful life events an adult can go though. But unless there's exceptional circumstances like in @Menomeno 's case. Affairs won't leave you paralysed in fear, quite literally wetting yourself, because you've had a flashback to when your husband told you he was shagging another woman...

Edited

Yes, affairs can leave you paralysed with fear, self doubt, and definitely make you feel suicidal.

Mornusting · 15/12/2023 23:55

AelinAshriver · 15/12/2023 23:37

@AndOnAndOn1000 Ok no.

OP is not suffering from PTSD. PTSD is where you have flashbacks inducing panic attacks where you can't function. A sound / a smell takes you back to the event. You dream about it over and over and wake up paralysed in fear.

What OP is going through is traumatic. It's awful. It's horrendous. But it is not PTSD.

And thank god it's not because even after years of medication, therapy, CBT and EMDR, I only have to get triggered by a smell / a sound / a location and I'm right back at that event.

Affairs are awful. It's one of the most stressful life events an adult can go though. But unless there's exceptional circumstances like in @Menomeno 's case. Affairs won't leave you paralysed in fear, quite literally wetting yourself, because you've had a flashback to when your husband told you he was shagging another woman...

Edited

You are reducing it to the moment of discovery as if that is it. It is way more than that - it is the trying to reconcile the life you have been living with what was happening and you didn't know about it, it's the limbo scenario, it is the constant assault on your mind with thoughts, places, suspicions, it's the feeling you are being stalked, it's you when you are carrying a knife in your bag in fear of something unknown, it's when you are standing banging your head against a wall to try to stop your mind in overtime and that's only a bit of it.

AelinAshriver · 16/12/2023 00:45

@Mornusting It's important to acknowledge that everyone's experience is unique, but comparing discovering an affair to carrying a knife and feeling stalked is extreme. If you are struggling with thoughts like these, seeking appropriate help is crucial.

@Hellsmells While affairs can lead to significant emotional distress such as suicidal thoughts, self doubt or depression, it's essential to distinguish between the impact of an affair and the symptoms of PTSD. You might find the NHS website helpful as it gives you an overview of the symptoms and causes of PTSD.

OP's acknowledged that she doesn't have PTSD, she was exaggerating - which is totally valid OP, you have literally just had a life altering, stressful event happen to you. Exaggerating is common after such an event.

What's now important is to not load more problems onto OP's already very full plate by diagnosing her with a terrifying mental condition. Instead, let's focus on supporting the OP and moving forward constructively.

BurrosTail · 16/12/2023 01:50

AelinAshriver · 15/12/2023 23:37

@AndOnAndOn1000 Ok no.

OP is not suffering from PTSD. PTSD is where you have flashbacks inducing panic attacks where you can't function. A sound / a smell takes you back to the event. You dream about it over and over and wake up paralysed in fear.

What OP is going through is traumatic. It's awful. It's horrendous. But it is not PTSD.

And thank god it's not because even after years of medication, therapy, CBT and EMDR, I only have to get triggered by a smell / a sound / a location and I'm right back at that event.

Affairs are awful. It's one of the most stressful life events an adult can go though. But unless there's exceptional circumstances like in @Menomeno 's case. Affairs won't leave you paralysed in fear, quite literally wetting yourself, because you've had a flashback to when your husband told you he was shagging another woman...

Edited

I think you’re describing visual flashbacks here, emotional flashbacks are more typical for c-ptsd and they take a very different form from visual ones, I’ve had both. Most info unfortunately focuses on visual rather than emotional, even on websites like Mind or NHS. I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd because of a rape by a partner at the time, but I also have heavy ptsd because of the other elements of that relationship, like cheating and stringing me along. There are days when those latter elements play in a loop more than the sexual assault.

Only time will tell if OP has ptsd from this, if she’s still reliving it in a couple of years time then it is ptsd, no matter whether she has a “valid” reason like sexual assault or car crash.

Panaa · 16/12/2023 02:06

AelinAshriver · 15/12/2023 23:37

@AndOnAndOn1000 Ok no.

OP is not suffering from PTSD. PTSD is where you have flashbacks inducing panic attacks where you can't function. A sound / a smell takes you back to the event. You dream about it over and over and wake up paralysed in fear.

What OP is going through is traumatic. It's awful. It's horrendous. But it is not PTSD.

And thank god it's not because even after years of medication, therapy, CBT and EMDR, I only have to get triggered by a smell / a sound / a location and I'm right back at that event.

Affairs are awful. It's one of the most stressful life events an adult can go though. But unless there's exceptional circumstances like in @Menomeno 's case. Affairs won't leave you paralysed in fear, quite literally wetting yourself, because you've had a flashback to when your husband told you he was shagging another woman...

Edited

No.
PTSD symptoms have to start somewhere. It's very likely she's experiencing the beginnings of it, and it's actually very important that that is considered by the OP and not shut down because she might be able to prevent it from getting worse if she seeks support now.

Also it doesn't always lead to flashbacks and panic attacks either. It can affect people in different ways.

Panaa · 16/12/2023 02:07

Bertiesmum3 · 15/12/2023 20:28

😡😡😡
you have no idea!
how dare you refer to finding out your husband is shagging someone else to having PTSD

Show quote history

It's not a competition.

How dare you more like!!

Growlybear83 · 16/12/2023 02:08

I absolutely would not forgive any type of indefinite for any reason, no matter how long I had been with someone.

AutumnColours9 · 16/12/2023 02:26

I would get your life in order so that you can manage financially and practically on your own. He will very likely do it again and didn't care about you or breaking his family up whilst he was shagging his OW.
I would leave but if it leaves you vunerable then bide your time to get more independent.

Mornusting · 16/12/2023 08:55

@AelinAshriver you misunderstood - I was carrying a knife and feeling as if someone was following me. Yes that was a side effect of an affair and marriage break up. Open your mind to others' experiences. You are trying to label people according to some of your tick boxes.

isthismylifenow · 16/12/2023 09:31

OP I am so sorry you have been put into this situation. It fucks me off so badly that we are carrying on life as normal, then one day a bombshell like this hits and then WE have to be the ones to make the difficult decisions of life going forward. This to me is one part of affairs that gets to me the most.

No one here can give you the answer of what to do. We do not know your circumstances and this matters. It is not always just so easy to say ok that is it now, get out today, because we don't know your situation.

I found out about my ex's (first that I know of) affair in the morning of 18 December years back. It was the day we had planned to go Christmas shopping for the DC gifts. I had family staying from overseas and so I chose to just carry on as normal as I didn't want to spoil others holidays, my dc Christmas etc. It was not good for me, but I felt it was the only way. It was a dirty little secret I had to keep. Bit of a long winded way to say that the guests left on 3rd Jan and 4th Jan I was admitted to hospital having suffered a breakdown. I had not eaten in 10 days and the day I was admitted I could not even stand up.

So to the poster upthread, yes you can be diagnosed with PTSD for being lied to and cheated on. As I was.

As I was so fragile (I know this sounds pathetic, as I am a strong independent woman) but I was. I was in no place to make any hard decisions. It just was like my whole world had been thrown upside down in a space of time of reading one email.

So we stayed together and tried. For 5 years I tried. He didn't so much and when I caught him out again in the most blatent affair I knew I just could not do it again.

In the meantime though, I went for therapy, put away some funds every month, we had a joint business and I got that into my sole name, and got myself in order as deep down I knew it was a matter of time. I started to take care of myself before him and he didn't like that one bit. I vividly remember him asking me was I having an affair because I was now using body lotion! Talk about projecting. So in essence, I had unknowingly used that time to get my affairs in order. And good job I did as he become very nasty after we split and I know he would not have agreed to a lot of things after. I suppose I used his grovelling time to my advantage.

You do not need to decide anything right now. Do not feel pressure to do anything right now because other people did XYZ. You do what you need to do for you.

I'd block the ow, you do not need her 2c or opinion or excuses right now.

Please eat, drink and take it hour to hour at the moment.

💐

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 16/12/2023 10:04

isthismylifenow · 16/12/2023 09:31

OP I am so sorry you have been put into this situation. It fucks me off so badly that we are carrying on life as normal, then one day a bombshell like this hits and then WE have to be the ones to make the difficult decisions of life going forward. This to me is one part of affairs that gets to me the most.

No one here can give you the answer of what to do. We do not know your circumstances and this matters. It is not always just so easy to say ok that is it now, get out today, because we don't know your situation.

I found out about my ex's (first that I know of) affair in the morning of 18 December years back. It was the day we had planned to go Christmas shopping for the DC gifts. I had family staying from overseas and so I chose to just carry on as normal as I didn't want to spoil others holidays, my dc Christmas etc. It was not good for me, but I felt it was the only way. It was a dirty little secret I had to keep. Bit of a long winded way to say that the guests left on 3rd Jan and 4th Jan I was admitted to hospital having suffered a breakdown. I had not eaten in 10 days and the day I was admitted I could not even stand up.

So to the poster upthread, yes you can be diagnosed with PTSD for being lied to and cheated on. As I was.

As I was so fragile (I know this sounds pathetic, as I am a strong independent woman) but I was. I was in no place to make any hard decisions. It just was like my whole world had been thrown upside down in a space of time of reading one email.

So we stayed together and tried. For 5 years I tried. He didn't so much and when I caught him out again in the most blatent affair I knew I just could not do it again.

In the meantime though, I went for therapy, put away some funds every month, we had a joint business and I got that into my sole name, and got myself in order as deep down I knew it was a matter of time. I started to take care of myself before him and he didn't like that one bit. I vividly remember him asking me was I having an affair because I was now using body lotion! Talk about projecting. So in essence, I had unknowingly used that time to get my affairs in order. And good job I did as he become very nasty after we split and I know he would not have agreed to a lot of things after. I suppose I used his grovelling time to my advantage.

You do not need to decide anything right now. Do not feel pressure to do anything right now because other people did XYZ. You do what you need to do for you.

I'd block the ow, you do not need her 2c or opinion or excuses right now.

Please eat, drink and take it hour to hour at the moment.

💐

Thank you, it really helps to hear from women who have been through the same thing, but are further down the line of the horrible process.
I'm not going to stay with him, and I think I know where I am at financially, it's going to be a real struggle but better than sticking with him. I would rather be broke.

Just going to try and keep everyone happy for Xmas, and then he can bugger off

OP posts:
crumpet · 16/12/2023 10:07

BloodyAdultDC · 15/12/2023 06:37

Nope.

This

Ladolcevita233 · 16/12/2023 10:32

Best of luck op, you sound gutsy and lovely.

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 16/12/2023 10:44

Ladolcevita233 · 16/12/2023 10:32

Best of luck op, you sound gutsy and lovely.

Haha gutsy and lovely. Love it xxx

OP posts:
Goodlard · 16/12/2023 10:48

Why is he desperate for you to stay together? He obviously doesn't respect or love you, is it for financial reasons?

KnackeredBack · 16/12/2023 10:52

No. 18 months is a choice, again and again and again to break his vows to you. He knew what he was doing and he did it anyway.

FairyMaclary · 16/12/2023 11:22

Unless your husband has no social media or online presence that hints at him having a partner/kids etc of course she knew.

Did she post happy pics of them together on her social media?

If they both have social media or any sort it should be VERY obvious as most people like each others posts and check out their new boyfriends SM before having unprotected sex.

Ignore any unmet needs theory. It’s nonsense. If he says I cheated because X need wasn’t met he is in effect telling you that only you are capable of controlling his actions. Without you cooking him steak he is incapable of remaining clothed. It’s nonsense. You, sadly, are not that powerful.

He is saying that he is incapable of honesty, dignity and integrity and has absolved all responsibility to you. Absolute rubbish. If it is true then run a mile as a man incapable of self control is not a safe life partner and not worth the time of day. It’s like a man saying ‘I punched her because she was shouting at me’ officer. This would have been acceptable once upon a time. It suggests his actions were directly caused by the victim - farcical.

People like unmet needs as it makes them feel safe. As if they have some control over another’s actions. Whereas in reality I don’t cheat for me. My husband isn’t responsible for me remaining faithful. My integrity, honesty and self respect keep me faithful. He is collateral damage to my choices. If my words and vows mean nothing to me, why did I say them? I have to live with me for the rest of my life and I want to look at myself in the mirror each day and see someone I like.

If you sit and ponder you may realise what values you possess that cause you to be faithful. Keep hold of these are this tricky time as they will keep your self esteem high. Work on you and your values each day. Maybe journal it?

Without him understanding why he lied to himself about what his values and beliefs are he CANNOT be a safe partner. The first person a cheater lies to is him or herself. They then lie to everyone around them. Very sad.

Infidelity causes PTSD. You really need to take care of yourself op. You may find EMDR helpful. If you will struggle to pay for emdr post breakup I suggest you get him to pay for a course now while he is wailing and regretting his actions.

Also remember that Regret is not remorse. Forgiveness is not necessary for reconciliation and Reconciliation is not necessary if you forgive.

The only gift you may get from this poor quality man is personal growth, grab it with both hands. Watch his actions ignore his words - he’s a proven liar. Wailing and thrashing on the floor is for him. He’s still very much in cheater mode. Has he rushed off for an std check? Or is he letting you worry yourself about that?

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