Does silent treatment get worse over time?

[Dolphinwaves]

Used to be 2 days every couple of months. Now lasts few days/ couple of weeks.

I've read all your updates and wow, you've had a really lucky escape!

For the sake of closure you might want to send a short email simply you're ending it. If you do that, consider saying that you do not want him to contact you in any way. That way, if for any reason he does, this would then become the definition of harassment (something he can get in a lot of trouble for!)

As for you and your child, you're doing the best possible thing by showing her/him that you're taking control of your life and refusing to put up with bad and abusive behaviour.

From where I'm sitting, your future looks bright!

Do not email him; such a message is a response and that is what he wants here. Radio silence from you is necessary.

I would urge you to enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme as men like described can and do damage already weakened boundaries. Do not date any further until you have done the necessary work on you.

Your most recent message made me really sad @Dolphinwaves. Of course you’re allowed to ask for a condom and you should really just be entitled to it by default. They protect from STIs as well as pregnancy so if anything he ought to be insisting on them as well just in case you’ve been sleeping around (I’m sure you haven’t, but you know where I’m coming from).

I really do know it’s horrible and painful, but it’s not worth your while to go back to him, he’s clearly a selfish idiot and you deserve far better. I always feel mildly judged when people say “work on yourself” so I’m going to say make this YOUR time, and your child’s time. You’ve got two people to look after and they (your child and you) are good people who deserve some nurturing.

I tried leaving before and he pushed, I'd tell him why and he'd deflect asking for proof. Even when I sent proof he'd say he didn't really say it. I miss him but I know I gain nothing talking to him. He uses things against me and I lost the ability to confide in him. I need to first think about my safety and secondly way to deal with the heartbreak.

You don't need 'proof' of why you are dumping someone. It is enough to not want to be with them anymore.

This can be for ANY REASON whatsoever. You might hate his old man slippers, or just have changed your mind about not finding his habit of clearing his throat annoying.

He doesn't need to agree with you. And don't be sad - be triumphant! You will be massively happier without him, trust me.

I get it. Even after I had decided on divorce, I tried to do it jointly and in a civilised manner.

Eventually MN got it through my thick head that You do NOT need the other person's permission to end a relationship. And then I instructed my solicitor to begin proceedings.

I had to continue dealing with Ex, while we reached a settlement. You, OTOH, need never interact with him again.

Yes, you should message him - tell him to never come back and to go fuck himself. Then go buy a bottle of Baileys or whatever Christmas treat you like and have a nice rest over Christmas with lots of self care.

@Hatty65 and @SequentialAnalyst said it all and I just want to add my five cents too. I spent twenty five years with someone who made me really unhappy because I could not put it in words why. It took a few sessions of counselling when my therapist said to me:" I see you keep trying to find an excuse as to why you want to leave your husband. The fact that you want to is enough." This absolutely liberated me in that instant. It is true, I do not have to know why, find words to explain to him. All I needed is to be sure I wanted to do it and find courage to tell him.

Do not let him suck you into any kind of discussion, explanation or fight, just say it and walk away. Good luck OP and keep posting, yes, MN saved my life.

Well done for keeping strong OP.

Ignore PP saying you should message him.

Your silence says more than any words could. And nothing you say will hurt him or teach him a lesson anyway. He won’t care. He will take it that you do still care enough to score a point and he’ll try again when he’s ignored you for a while.

Onwards 💐

@Dolphinwaves

So sorry you're going through this hard time OP - and well done for recognising that this man who behaves abusively to you and working to get him out of your life, and your child's life.

• Did he have access to your keys? If so ensure you have your locks changed (or just the barrels) or add a security lock to your door.
• If you don't have one, put a good quality chain in the inside of your door, and ensure it's used before every time the door is opened. I'm unsure how old your child is but ensure they know this.
• consider installing a camera doorbell for added security, in case he comes to your door.
• did he ever pick your child up from school? If so, ensure the school knows not to allow this in future.
• tell your child, in a way appropriate to their age, that you and he are no longer friends
• Given what you've said about his behaviour towards exes "He's done it with exes where he writes letters, tries to drop things off, turns up at the house. One occasion he was arrested and another police went to his to warn him to stop", do consider doing a Claire's Law disclosure request (have a google) with your local police. 🌹

I won't be emailing or contacting him. This is a recurring theme and even if he was nice overall I can't have the same conversation all the time. I hate the negativity all the time. He makes digs at women all the time or he makes inappropriate comments to make me jealous (he has admitted he does this for my attention) and says if I can be friends with men he can make these comments. He even said most boyfriends would not like that I'm friends with men.

I did make a clares law and this is how I found out about his previous but he said they had mental health issues and no evidence. That's why it's confusing as why haven't police done anything about his history? He says if genuine they would have?

He hasn't shown up. I work erratic hours and in his last message he did ask to know when I'm working but I didn't give it. I could write a lot about why I want out but I worry I'm overreacting.

Jesus OP. I think I must have missed the earlier posts about his previous offences (I’m assuming, if you could find out through Clare’s law). The police are by no means perfect but they definitely don’t all have mental health issues enough to go around randomly convicting people, there are checks and balances and some people get wrongly convicted but if he was convicted of a sexual offence there was probably a lot of evidence because those convictions are REALLY hard to get. I have pathetically stayed with a lot of bad men and even I’d be running for the hills at this point.

OP the fact that he has a record that you could discover on a Clare's Law enquiry and they felt it necessary to disclose to you means he is not someone to take lightly, and his ex's were probably women just like you. Not crazy psychos. He is obviously dangerous.
Trust your gut, you aren't imagining this feeling your body/brain is trying to keep you safe. Now you've blocked stay well clear. Good luck.

Oh goodness please stay away from him. And think about some counselling. You don't want your dc near this sort of person.
As for it affecting dc it'll be worse if you carry on. My dcs met an unsuitable dp who stalked me but it hasn't affected them. I met a decent man and married him. So as long as you don't repeat the pattern they should be ok?

Exactly what i would have said!

Police said not enough evidence to convict with one ex, the 2nd was ongoing but he said they chucked case out. It's frustrating that someone has form and nothing was done.

I had a friend who thought this was normal because various people in her family did it, but what you have become used to/put down to being the norm, has also been learnt by one person, hence the others doing it, most likely!

I also had this from my ex partner it was horrible, amongst many other things.
When it happened during and after pregnancy that and lots of other reasons was the end for me!!

I doubt this is the only thing that he does.

If only, they will not apologise and they will not leave the relationship, abusive men rarely do.
And many women will not finish with the guy and the guy knows this, I am talking from experience so as not to contradict myself!

OP, it is so frustrating but also tragically common I’m afraid. I think maybe you just need to distance yourself as much from every aspect of his life as you can. Things will get better.

When the police gave disclosure after the facts her exact words were "he can't let go". I'm worried that for all the stuff on the record there will be things he's done that they don't know about as other people may not have been able to come forward (which is not their fault). He even said that its not fair when historic allegations come forward and if women want to bring stuff up they can't do it years later.

You seem to be dwelling on this when perhaps it might just be better to accept that there is evidence he may be a wrong 'un, and leave it at that.

Who cares what he says? He'll say anything!

Just take appropriate precautions and be ready to report to police if he stalks or harasses you. Posters on here will advise if this happens.

@Redruby2020 I agree. One thing is give an advice or opinion form the outside and other completely different be in the middle of a toxic relationship/ abusive relationship.

Things are far form clear when you are involved. I had to learn to re conquest my freedom also the hard way. Now I see the past behind me very clear back there I did not and I struggled like so many are struggling right now.

🥲 This too!
Battling it all the time, with exP, as we have DC.
Have to be alert and be one step ahead.

There is no doubt many people who i believe could probably be nice people, are the way they are due to many reasons, but this is not an excuse.
Also they would not do it to everyone because they wouldn't get away with it!

The issue is the 'if' I feel many of us women hold out and wait, we never learn that there is a time where you have to draw the line and end things.