Does silent treatment get worse over time?

[Dolphinwaves]

Used to be 2 days every couple of months. Now lasts few days/ couple of weeks.

The only way it can get better is if he realises the behaviour is abusive and toxic.

The perpetrator is deliberately doing it on purpose. Trying to get them to acknowledge that the behaviour is abusive and toxic is futile. They'll just point blank deny it and do it all the more.

Dont waste ANOTHER day of YOUR life on this person.

Block and live your best life.

Does it need to get any worse?!

Any amount is too much.

What would you gain from messaging him?

He's doing it intentionally to punish you. If you beg and plead for him to engage, or even just keep politely asking, he'll see he's achieved his aims, which will be satisfying for him in the short term, and will increase his chances of using this form of abuse on you in the future.

The best thing you can do is totally ignore him. And dump him. Because he's abusive, incapable of adult communication, incapable of being a good partner.

So he's your boyfriend, you don't live together and he is currently ignoring you because you said/did something that demonstrated you wanted to make your own decisions/do your own things?

I'd ay let this silent treatment continue forever and move on with your life. what a wanker.

Out of interest, what exactly happened? Because I will bet you £100 that you are questioning things and thinking it's not that bad and the rest of us will all be "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK"

It's a form of control / abuse. Remember that you cannot change other people. You are wasting your time if you think he will change. He won't.

I hope you choose to end this abusive relationship.

Learn about what healthy relationships look like, and learn about healthy boundaries and how to value yourself.

Yes because they know they can get away with it so do it more sadly. My mum did this was 2 days as a child now an adult I get a year it’s always if I disagree , say no , or don’t do what she wants ( not that I know what that is as she never says) my opinion of her is now very low

Abuse always escalates. Always.

No you shouldn’t message him. You should block him, distract yourself from the feeling of need to contact until your anxiety decreases, realise you’ve had a lucky escape and then move on!

I've written down all the occasions it's happened and the one trigger is I've done something without his input such as DIY in my own home, been too busy to meet or text or had plans with friends etc. The common denominator is its something without him. If I've flourished in an area of my life or get excited he'll say why it's crap. If there's something I feel I'm lacking eg my looks he'll talk about others who have what I don't have and how wonderful they are. He takes it is I don't text for more than a few hours. Also everytime he has helped me he then says he's been so good to me I can't complain, almost like he has earned being mean.

Many posters have said abuse. Am I at risk? He believes firmly in the gender roles and has said before when a female relative of his was vocal her husband should have "manned up and put her in her place".

Also if I express a view on what i need from the relationship. So anytime I've acted like a human being.

Only a 5 year old thinks it's a good way to deal with frustrations. Suggest marriage counselling and see where it leads.

Its emotional abuse

You're at risk if you continue to stay with him. The only way to not be at risk is to ditch him now. He's using powerful tactics to put you under his control. Leave this relationship, it's toxic. He demeans you at every opportunity.

My exh started off with a few hours , then days until eventually it was weeks .
Please note he is my exh .

You asked how you stop this from him. You cannot change him but you can change how you react to him by showing him that you do not tolerate abuse in any form.

You do that by now making him your ex. Abuse is not a relationship issue, it’s about power and control and this man wants absolute over you.

I don't see any good points to this man. Bin him off, get a better one and be happy. 💐

I’m not sure what you mean by “gets worse” but it has more of an impact as it goes on for sure. As PPs have said it’s a form of abuse and a very effective one, as it gets you trying to get back in their good books any way you can without any effective means of doing so.

That said, I can’t think of very useful advice. My ex used to use it, either for a couple of days (I’d be on the edge of my nerves the whole time) or when he dumped me, three times in total. I was always in bits during the silences, pathetically grateful when he started talking to me again, and am still quite damaged by it and it’s impacting my current relationships, friends and boyfriend. By the way the trauma bond my ex managed to create was so strong that I basically mourned the relationship for three years even after learning he got off with one of my ex-closest friends and is now going to marry her a week after he engineered an argument as an excuse to dump me permanently. Maybe a more assertive person than me would, as PPs have said, just lay down the law. Probably better off taking their advice than mine. But it’s horribly painful and it’s a sort of conditioning - it really does get worse each time.

I really don't see any positives in this man. I'm kind of blown away that he hasn't somehow steamrolled you into living together so that his control of you can be more absolute. He wants your life to be small. He wants you dependent on him practically and emotionally. I bet that he thinks your friends are a "bad influence" or that men will flirt with you when you're out or that your behaviour is inappropriate when you're with friends.

SIL told me a while ago that she recently found some communication between her and exBIL from before they moved in together in which she begs him not to go silent on her/disappear when they have conflicts. She told me that reading these (which she'd totally forgotten about) was such a shock because even then, in the early days of the relationship, she was begging him not to give her the silent treatment and appeasing him with things like, "if I've upset you we can talk about I and I can change my behaviour."

15 years and 2 dc later, his emotional abuse has never stopped and even years after breaking up she is still struggling to get rid of him.

Having read all of your posts OP it’s hard to believe you’re still desperate to hear from this arsehole.

The obvious answer to your question about how to stop it, is to get rid of him.

Be thankful you don’t live with him or have DC with him. Imagine the power he would have over you then.

Block him on everything and move the fuck on.
💐

Your final point rings very loud alarm bells. I would not stay with a man who said this.

I phrased that badly - I wouldn’t stay with him anyway but that point would have me act immediately. Dump him.

Are you at risk?

Yes. Emotionally abusive behaviours can be accompanied by or escalate into physical abuse. And something like 2 women a week die at the hands of partners/ex partners.

Even if physical abuse never comes into it, it can ruin your self esteem and mental health.

Best to end things than stick around to find out where exactly it's going. Nowhere good for you.

I haven't messaged since he ignored my last text. I did try calling once and that was it. This was almost two weeks ago. Is it possible he's left me and nothing else will happen as its never been this long before.

You’re beyond “at risk” op. You are already in an abusive relationship.

My exH’s weapon of choice was silence. It really does just destroy you.

I would be glad he’d done the deed for you and consider the relationship over.