Update - Divorce is in sight from sulking exh!

[jamaisjedors]

I posted a thread on mumsnet 5 years ago 😵and received amazing support from posters on here - couldn't have got through this without you all😘

Now the judge has finally come back with a verdict and she has ruled that we are divorced (no fault[ and rejected all of exh's claims of fraud etc. financially. She has made one ruling financially which is not particularly in my favour, and also reduced maintenance again but that's the price to pay for my freedom!

I had a nerve-wracking couple of weeks waiting to find out if exh was going to contest the decision, which would mean another 2 years of court and back and forth, but miraculously he has signed the paperwork accepting it and so have I, which means we all but divorced - just waiting for the official paperwork and update to marriage certificate etc to go through.

We also have to go back to a solicitor's to finalise the financial agreement, which I'm hoping will happen in the next month or so, so by early 2024, everything should be done and dusted.

I should be breaking out the champagne but it's a weird kind of anti-climax, still bits to tie up, still got to see exh again at the solicitor's, still in contact with my lawyer etc.

Plus I think after a rollercoaster 5 years I don't think I can let my guard down yet, I've had so many setbacks and delays.

I didn't want to jinx it by posting too early but my lawyer assures me that there is no going back on the divorce now, so it's finally time to share the news and thank everyone again for their amazing support.

Previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4125147-Divorcing-sulking-DH-it-WILL-happen-in-2021?reply=130620438

Wow...I stumbled on your thread after reading another sulking one and have spent recent weeks catching up. I am so awed by your grace and courage, and as a rusty linguist, that you have been through all this emotional and legal shite in your second language.

It's also incredible how many women above have cited you as their inspiration to leave. I realized that sulk is the correct word to describe my DP's behaviour and googling it has made me understand so much about his controlling behaviour. My DC are very young and I always thought it's a good idea not to do anything hasty in these years of sleeplessness and stress but I am just starting to envisage how I could be alright, or better, alone.

I think watching The Good Wife will be my first step.

I hope you and your family are well and I loved reading your journey. Now that your DS2 is on the cusp of adulthood you will surely soon have very little to do with ExH. Congratulations on the engagement!

I just wanted to wish you a peaceful and Happy Christmas..
I followed you since your first ever post and a poster today reminded me of you and that first post..

Happy new year to you and yours, @jamaisjedors

I hope all's well?

@Marylou62 and @2JFDIYOLO thanks for thinking of me.
We are all ok, the last few months have been eventful, just when I thought everything had finally finished.
ExH came off his meds in April/May time (confirmed by family[ and had several psychotic episodes and since then DS2 has refused to see him. Of course exH insisted on pretending nothing had happened and tried to enforce the custody order and I had the upsetting experience of having to go to be finger-printed and mug-shot at the police station in December because it's a crime not to hand over a minor. Luckily all that should be behind us shortly when DS2 hits 18.

DS1 is caught in the middle of it all but luckily not living nearby most of the time which protects him a bit.

Financial settlement is still rumbling on, in early December exh suddenly came up with 30 pages of extra outlandish demands financially which there was no possible way we could agree to... so we will have to go back to court again in 2025 (if we even get a date this year[.

Had lots of happy events in 2024 though like moving into my own flat, significant birthday party with family and friends and civil partnership with Mr DJ and my relationship with DS2 has totally transformed since he cut his dad off - he now sees the divorce from my point of view and unfortunately personally experienced a lot of the abuse I experienced and his whole attitude to me has totally changed.

Didn't really want to update while I was in the thick of it, slight worries about posting online and also wasn't sure anyone would be that interested anymore!

But thank you, on the whole everything is still good although I had nightmares about exh again all through December and struggle still with insomnia when it all gets a bit too much.

@jamaisjedors o m g. The French divorce system seems incredibly long-winded. Feel heart sorry you are still having to deal with his shenanigans. But still, congratulations on your civil partnership and may you have many happy days ahead with Mr DJ 💐

Bloody hell.

I am not surprised but so disappointed for you. Especially as the final outcome will be no different.

Hurrah for all the good things.

Oh Jamais.. I was truly hoping you would have nothing to report...

I think about you often..and every time some poor (woman) posts about a sulking partner/boyfriend or 'D'h.

Chin up.. this can't go on forever..

And congratulations to you and MrDJ..

And as sad as it is that your lovely boys have had to endure this sorry saga.. it's because you behaved like the lady you are that they saw his behaviour for what it is..
Absolutely best wishes for 2025.

With love to you and yours. 🫂

Bloody hell, your ex is a piece of work! I am sorry your DS2 has had to learn the hard way what his father is really like, but huge kudos to you for always taking the high road.

I can't believe how paternalistic the French system is in terms of how it treats older teens who don't want to see a parent for very good reasons!

Oh shit. Is he back on the meds now ? Is there any chance if him seeing sense?
What a complete joke the French manage to make out of abusive relationships.
& theres talk of giving Gisèle Pelicot the legion d'honneur..

@jamaisjedors

It never seems to end, does it? At least it sounds as if DS2 will be 18 soon and you'll be able to put that part of it behind you.

I get the drawing out of finances. My DS1 is going through a divorce and his (cheating) STBXW is determined to draw things out. His solicitor has told him it will probably take 2 years. And this is in a state where if all parties cooperate a divorce is 'done and dusted' in as little as 6 months.

But as we tell him, 'this too shall pass'. And it will.

Wow Jamais that's some year. DS2 turning 18 will surely be cause for a huge party for multiple reasons! Congratulations on Mr DJ lovely news. Onwards and upwards as ever.

@jamaisjedors Congratulations on the good stuff and good luck with dealing with the ex. Sad though it is that your children needed to learn about their dad like that, better than you having to try and tell them

@jamaisjedors , I spent hours this week reading all of your 6 threads to date and - as another pp said, it was an honour to be allowed to be part of your journey through the reading of it across the past 6 years of your life since that 'straw that broke the camel's back' December 2018 .....I dont even have the right words to express the way I laughed and cried along with you reading along ....I felt protective of you, oh so much, when after all the hard won peace and stability of a year apart in Sept 2020 when you started dating for you, so full of hope for you and yet so worried for you, and then so very very happy that you found someone who for the next four years after that and counting stayed a source of support, caring, friendship and fun. You deserve all the happiness you found along the way, with your sons, partner, friends and family. I admire you so much. I know you havent posted only twice since last march after the divorce came through in final - but would love love love , to continue know you are well and happy and your varied experiences and how you rise up to them - you articulate so well the dilemmas and joys of the everyday woman, when she decides to live her best and bravest life. How was the move to the flat ? was it emotional giving up that townhouse that you had made your own haven since 13 May 2019 .....is your DS2 in uni as well now or about to go .....how was it navigating trust and compromise again in the new (not so new now) relationship with Mr DJ .....was it easy to trust again in the early months .....
Love you

@jamaisjedors we think the world of you and it's great to hear of your civil partnership with MrDJ - hope 2025 brings much happiness

started reading the verbally abusive relationship byPatricia evans now based on you recommending it multiple times here - thank you !!

I will be forever grateful to you for sharing your story @jamaisjedors Congratulations on all the wonderful things which are happening as a result of your courage throughout this and I wish you all the luck and strength in the world as you continue to deal with the nonsense.

Ah thanks as ever for all the lovely messages ❤

Huge relief now that DS2 is 18 and there should be no more custody wrangling to do - although the police or the courts do have to rule on the "non-handing over of a 17.5 yr old" - hopefully they'll dismiss the case and that will be the end of it.

Currently working again on the financial stuff for the court, as usual disheartened by the fact that this all seems neverending and also a little dispairing of my lawyer who never seems to available anymore - probably more urgent custody cases to deal with but while this goes on I just never feel free of him and the nightmares and insomnia continue.

@sussanna it was quite emotional leaving the place we lived for 5 years but we had so much going on at the time with exH's crap plus a whole apartment to paint that I didn't have time to regret it much. We are very happy where we are now and DS2 gets on well with MR DJ but I definitely did the right thing waiting til DS2 finished school and was semi-independant before all moving in together. DS2 is studying locally so still at home but as we all moved it wasn't a case of a strange man moving into his/our space but a change for everyone.

With regard to trusting someone new, that wasn't the biggest challenge for me, it was more not being stressed/scared of consequences ie silent treatment or "punishment" in a new relationship. So for example I would get totally stressed out if I was "making Mr DJ wait" by being stuck in traffic and then he would be totally fine with it.

Another challenge was letting go of "keeping score" on who does what in the relationship. Being able to let Mr DJ bring me tea in bed several mornings in a row without feeling horribly guilty or that I don't deserve it or need to directly reciprocate in some way or wondering when it would be used against me. Just adjusting to the fact that you can do nice things for each other as part of every day life.

I've realised just how low my bar was all along, even right from the start in my relationship with exH. The fact that I thought of myself as a "strong independant women" meant I was blind to the fact that his behaviour was borderline abusive from the start and I just ignored it.

I have a perfectly good relationship but it's amazing what I look back on and think why did I put up with that?

Especially quite a bit of sulking. The flip side is that I'm quite, er, difficult so we cancelled each other out but the reason I'm saying this is don't beat yourself up. It was probably a case of "boiled frog" and quite invidious and just recognising the patterns now & accepting them is key to being able to process those feelings and esp the conditioning that goes with an abusive relationship.

Five years since you moved out, and he’s still disputing the financials. What a “salaud” he is!!

Best wishes for life with Mr DJ and DS1 and DS2!

I really hope that things will finally get through this year!
Un salaud c’est le bon mot @Thegoldenlion

Are they really going to be difficult for not handing over a 17.5yo that doesn’t want to go to see his dad? I though they were taking ‘children’s’ pov into account from about 12yo….

But also so comforting to see you’ve found someone to be happy with and build a new life with 🎉🎉

Well, Bon anniversaire to DS2 and congratulations to you all on your new home! Real reasons to celebrate for you all

I'm also gobsmacked just how long the French courts have allowed exH to drag this on for but the end is in sight! His life will be very empty when he finally finally finally has to let go of his bitter obsession with fighting you.

You are a brave, strong woman and sound like a wonderful mum. The way you've supported your boys to navigate this whole long situation with their father without slagging him off to them or losing the moral high ground is amazing. (Though quite how the French courts expect anyone to be able present an unwilling 17 and a half year old to visit his father is beyond me. Surely as his parent, his dad has equal responsibility for ds's behaviour so if ds refuses to turn up for court compelled visits then his absence is his dad's 'fault' too?)

Looking forward to you next and final post to say it's all over and you can live your happy life with Mr DJ making you cups of tea in bed every single day. You deserve it!

Good grief I can't believe this is still ongoing 😱 My heart goes out to you

I really want to salute you dear @jamaisjedors. You have been and, whatever brickbats are thrown at you, incredibly strong in your dealings either the very strange creature who's putting obstacles in your way, as well as the French courts. Thank goodness for DS1 and DS2 as well as MrDJ and whatever other personal support team you have. I take an example from you. Blessings to you and yours for 2025. 🌹

Hi Jamais, have read your thread a couple of years ago and then twice since then for courage and inspiration :)

Hope you are well and that your boys are well too ....
It has been a minute .....
Hope the financial settlements all are in place now and you are continuing to live your best life which you were long overdue xx