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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner strangled me

156 replies

RH90 · 12/12/2023 15:24

Hi, my partner strangled me a few times on Sunday night, he claims he’s so sorry but he really frightened me. He’s always such a lovely man to me but lately I think once he has had a drink he turns on me. We have been together for 4 years now and I don’t understand why this is happening. He really scared me Sunday night & I’ve sent him back to his parents house and asked him to leave to give me some space. Part of me wants to run for the hills but knowing what he is like normally and him promising this won’t happen again I just don’t know what to do 😔

OP posts:

trompeloeiltits · 12/12/2023 15:25

You need to leave.

countrygirl99 · 12/12/2023 15:25

Run.

Shouldershoulder · 12/12/2023 15:25

You never have him back , ever . And call the police.

BigDahliaFan · 12/12/2023 15:25

run.

Hereforthebunfights · 12/12/2023 15:26

Leave him. He is a danger to your life.

Darkandstormynite · 12/12/2023 15:27

He could have killed you, doesn't matter how nice he is.

This is your chance to get out. Take it.

SoRainbowRhythms · 12/12/2023 15:27

He's not a lovely man, he's an abusive, violent cunt.

He will promise, but he will do it again, and there is a high probability he will kill you.

Get as far away from him as possible.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/oct/14/gabby-petito-wyoming-strangulation-domestic-violence

Gabby Petito died of strangulation. Far too many other women have, too | Moira Donegan

This may not have been the first such incident that Petito experienced. Half of all domestic violence victims are strangled at some point during the course of their abuse

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/oct/14/gabby-petito-wyoming-strangulation-domestic-violence

BigDahliaFan · 12/12/2023 15:28

You don't strangle someone you love....you look after them and care for them.

Milliemoos5 · 12/12/2023 15:29

There’s never just a one time., it will happen again and he could kill you next time. It always happens again

gamerchick · 12/12/2023 15:30

Unfortunately strangling is so serious you literally do not have a choice OP. So many women die from it, whether their blokes intended to kill them or not.

You can't take him back.

OneMiniMincePieTooFar · 12/12/2023 15:30

Lovely men never ever strangle someone. Not by accident, not as a one off, not because they've been drinking etc.

They never strangle someone.

Strangling someone means you are not lovely person.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 12/12/2023 15:30

That is definitely a run for the hills occurrence. How could you ever trust him again?

The consequences are too grave. His promises are worthless, no mater how much he means them as he says them!

He strangled you! More than once!

Pack up his stuff and put him out. For your own safety you also really do need to call the police and discuss it with them!

Remember you have no need for shame or embarrassment in this. Those two emotions are all his!

Vuurhoutjies · 12/12/2023 15:30

Nope, nope nope. This is NOT good. Is this really completely out of the blue? Or has there been escalation in poor/abusive/controlling/violent behaviour?

Personally, Iw wouldn't take him back at all - it's too dangerous. But I guess if you really believe him that he's sorry, he could prove it by signing himself up to some sort of course for perpetrators of domestic violence/abuse and/or therapy to work through any anger issues. But I'm not hugely optimistic. Sorry OP.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 12/12/2023 15:30

There's no going back from this. Run like the wind

justalittlesnoel · 12/12/2023 15:30

Inform the police - get it on record. Leave.

Queucumber · 12/12/2023 15:31

Women die like this. Within 30 seconds you could suffer irreversible brain damage.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 12/12/2023 15:32

Get out now. They always say sorry until it's too late.

Neitheronethingnortheother · 12/12/2023 15:32

Now he's 7 times more likely to kill you. No man is worth that risk

OhComeOnFFS · 12/12/2023 15:35

Well, if you follow the news you will know that many, many women are killed by their partners. In almost all cases those men will have been capable of being nice to their wives for some of the time. In all of the cases, though, the women are now dead.

Do you really think that a decent man strangles his partner? Don't you think you deserve so much more than this?

Speak to Women's Aid or to your GP and listen - really listen - to what they have to say.

GarlicMaybeNot · 12/12/2023 15:36

It's a crime, did you know that?
https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/non-fatal-strangulation-or-non-fatal-suffocation

Non-fatal strangulation or non-fatal suffocation | The Crown Prosecution Service

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/non-fatal-strangulation-or-non-fatal-suffocation

theDudesmummy · 12/12/2023 15:37

It does not matter one bit what his reasons were, whether he is sorry or not, or how he behaves the rest of the time. You need to leave immediately. Please listen to what everyone is saying.

Christmasmug · 12/12/2023 15:39

The problem is that actions will always speak louder than words so however strongly you say 'this can never happen again' your actions by staying with him will tell him the opposite. If you stay you are effectively giving him a green light to do it again, there were no consequences for him last time so why wouldn't he? Strangling is so dangerous and a known precursor/risk factor for you potentially losing your life so you can never be safe around someone who does that to you, whatever promises he makes.

The right thing to do here is separate from him properly, protect yourself by never being alone with him again and report what's happened to the police. If he's genuinely sorry he should be prepared to take the consequences and any offers of help (offenders courses, therapy etc) offered to ensure he never does it again, empty words and promises are not enough considering this could literally be life or death for you. And he needs to do all that away from you, your safety is paramount and you are not safe with this man.

Motti · 12/12/2023 15:40

Glad you’ve told him to leave. Be very careful OP, this is when women are most at risk. Honestly he could kill you.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/12/2023 15:41

Part of me wants to run for the hills but knowing what he is like normally and him promising this won’t happen again

Right; well, I'm all for an optimistic outlook - except he's already done this a few times. Once more might be the last one for you. Permanently.

I just don’t know what to do 😔

Yes you do.

fishfingersandchipsagain · 12/12/2023 15:44

OMG tell the police and leave! Run.

Dont try to “save him” because “he’s a nice guy really”. He’s not, and you’ll pay with your life for the mistake of thinking you can change him.

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