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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner strangled me

156 replies

RH90 · 12/12/2023 15:24

Hi, my partner strangled me a few times on Sunday night, he claims he’s so sorry but he really frightened me. He’s always such a lovely man to me but lately I think once he has had a drink he turns on me. We have been together for 4 years now and I don’t understand why this is happening. He really scared me Sunday night & I’ve sent him back to his parents house and asked him to leave to give me some space. Part of me wants to run for the hills but knowing what he is like normally and him promising this won’t happen again I just don’t know what to do 😔

OP posts:
DaughterNo2 · 12/12/2023 15:45

Surely you mean your Ex-Partner??
The violence will escalate

forgotmyusername1 · 12/12/2023 15:47

If this is not enough to make you leave him permanently on your feet then you will likely be leaving permanently in a box in the not too distant future.

You are with an abuser. Any man that strangles a woman is an abuser. It doesn't matter if it is the first time or the 10th time he is an abuser and you must leave him

it is like the boiling frog in the pot. You are the frog. get out the pot before he turns the heat up higher.

There is no going back from this. You must leave him before he kills you.

Waynesplanet · 12/12/2023 15:47

I really really piss my partner off sometimes. I’m being annoying or reactive or just irritating. He never ever physically assaulted me never, ever. His Dad did to his Mum though, literally all the time. Then he did other vile stuff too. They are a certain breed. They never do it once.

theDudesmummy · 12/12/2023 15:48

Think about it, if he could fully control himself under those circumstances, would he have done this in the first place? If the answer is yes then he is a psychopath and dangerous. If the answer is no then his saying it won't happen again is meaningless, because if he could not control himself before, why would he be able to do so in the future? So, again, dangerous.

Ansjovis · 12/12/2023 15:48

If abusive men showed their true colours all of the time, do you think any women would get so close to them as to end up being abused? No. Of course not.

You know exactly what you need to do here. Any good moments there may have been in this relationship were rendered worthless when he put his hands around your neck. You can apply the "but there are good parts to the relationship" defence when your partner is leaving socks on the floor, not when he's displaying behaviour that runs a high risk of killing you.

Bananalanacake · 12/12/2023 15:51

What is Your housing situation, does he have a claim on the property. Definitely don't take him back

AllIsWellish · 12/12/2023 15:52

GarlicMaybeNot · 12/12/2023 15:36

Yup, I deal with way too many cases each week

You really should go to the police op , he could kill you next time. There will be a next time if you stay

AlisonDonut · 12/12/2023 15:53

Change the locks and report him for attempted murder.

coolkatt · 12/12/2023 15:54

get to the police now.
please please please do this.
it won't help you in long run, he has done it, and i'm so sorry. but it WILL prevent anyone else who has the bad luck of dating this guy that a police check on him CLARES LAW means a new partner can check if she wants and will disclose his past violence on woman.

don't let this fucker away with it. he has abused you and i know it's so hard but please, as a woman we all
must be doing this if we are ever suffer at the hands of violent men. this is your justice. THIS IS HOW YOU FIGHT BACK.
please do it for the woman now, and for kids growing up. make this the norm all over the country.
things have to change. you have the power to help.
i'm so sorry this happened.

sassyduck · 12/12/2023 15:56

Leave. Or he will kill you.

ShennyInfinity · 12/12/2023 15:56

Wow, get the hell of that relationship otherwise we'll be reading about you in the newspaper.

IncompleteSenten · 12/12/2023 15:57

Stay with him and statistically speaking you're likely to wind up dead.

Nobody is worth your life.

Nobody who loved you would try to kill you. Which is what strangulation is. Attempted murder.
One day it will be successful murder. Don't become a statistic.

thesixleggedpsychopathonthetrain · 12/12/2023 16:00

Strangulation is a very serious form of assault and is an indicator for potentially lethal future violence. I would advise leaving the relationship for your own safety and reporting the incident to the police.

Original poster
RH90 · 12/12/2023 16:01

Thank you all for the replies, he has left and all his things are gone aswel I made sure of that. I’m just so shocked by his actions I know really what I have to do I’m just shocked it occurred in the first place. It was like a different person I didn’t recognise that I’d never seen before.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 12/12/2023 16:01

I've been with DH 21 years. He has never strangled me. If he did it just once I could never see him in the same way again. I'd be so frightened I'd have to end the relationship. Your partner has already done it a few times. How on earth can you consider staying with him? He clearly becomes violent when he drinks. He loses control and wants to hurt you. In his drunk (or sober state) he could easily do it for a little too long, press a little too hard and kill you. Get away from him now.

CatamaranViper · 12/12/2023 16:02

Think of any person you love. Would you strangle them?
Think of any person you like. Would you strangle them?
Think of someone you don't really care about. Would you strangle them?

The only people who answer yes to any of the above are not safe people. You could have died. Your partner could have killed you. Think about what that would have looked like. Think about how it would affect your family, your friends? Do you think 'sorry' would cut it?

The most dangerous people in this world hide it behind the mask of someone nice. The only way they get to be dangerous is because people forgive their behaviour because "they aren't usually like this". Forgive this time, it'll happen again, probably worse. And again, and again, and again.

I appreciate he may actually be sorry, but sorry doesn't mean shit. He may have had a laps in judgement or lost control, but that doesn't make him not dangerous. What happens next time he loses control?

Yeahno · 12/12/2023 16:02

Please don't be foolish. This is the end. Move on. Also report him to the police. There is no excuse for strangling someone A FEW TIMES.

CatamaranViper · 12/12/2023 16:03

RH90 · 12/12/2023 16:01

Thank you all for the replies, he has left and all his things are gone aswel I made sure of that. I’m just so shocked by his actions I know really what I have to do I’m just shocked it occurred in the first place. It was like a different person I didn’t recognise that I’d never seen before.

So sorry OP. It can't be easy. Please trust that ending this relationship is the right thing to do, even though it will be very hard.
Have you told anyone in real life?

CatamaranViper · 12/12/2023 16:05

I know you won't want to report this to the police because it'll follow him for the rest of his life and possibly ruin his life, but he didn't stop to think twice during the several times he strangled you about ENDING your life.

forgotmyusername1 · 12/12/2023 16:06

RH90 · 12/12/2023 16:01

Thank you all for the replies, he has left and all his things are gone aswel I made sure of that. I’m just so shocked by his actions I know really what I have to do I’m just shocked it occurred in the first place. It was like a different person I didn’t recognise that I’d never seen before.

I am so relieved

right decision

It doesn't matter how much he apologises please never let him back in. He has shown you who he really is...believe him

SnowSwan · 12/12/2023 16:08

If my partner tried to kill me like that, he would be out the door and waiting for the police.

PurpleBugz · 12/12/2023 16:09

They always say sorry it won't happen again. Then you get some love bombing and you think he's changed so you forgive him. Then it happens again getting progressively worse each time. Worse than strangled could be dead. Don't let him back in your house and inform the police

Original poster
RH90 · 12/12/2023 16:09

No one no, this is why I joined this forum to speak about it, I knew what I had to do and reading these comments I know I can’t go back and I don’t want to I’m just a bit traumatised at the moment

OP posts:
Littlepinkbag · 12/12/2023 16:11

Statistics shows that once a man has strangled his partner, he is more likely to kill her. Your chances of being murdered are much higher now he has done this. Even if he has seemed to be nice, the fact that he is capable of this shows that deep down he is a actually violent and has the potential to end your life. If you don't want to die at his hands then you need to run.

Queucumber · 12/12/2023 16:11

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

There are lots of ways to access support.

Please tell someone in RL about what happened. The most dangerous time for a survivor of domestic violence is when they leave their abusive partner.

I need help - information and support on domestic abuse

Not sure if you're experiencing abuse? Worried about someone else? If you or a friend need help, we are here. Learn more about our information and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/