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Original poster

Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

303 replies

cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:07

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

OP posts:
Original poster
cannonlc · 12/12/2023 15:44

Oh and tomorrow is my actual birthday - usually for each other we do the whole banner and pile of gifts thing for the morning and I honestly want to tell him not to bother because it all just feels fake now. I'll probably have to tolerate it for the kids though.

OP posts:
PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 12/12/2023 15:45

cannonlc · 12/12/2023 15:39

Thanks everyone I have been reading all the replies
Yesterday I spent most of the day horizontal since I hadn't really been able to sleep.
As predicted "his perspective" is rather different - in that he couldn't find me, it was obvious I was looking for an excuse to stay out later and could in fact have found someone to bring me home. That I was wasted and didn't know what I was doing etc.

  • I probably could have asked one of the bar staff that we know to drop me home - my issue was that when I spoke to him he was being a dick about the gate access and I was not convinced that I would be able to get in even if I got a ride.
  • friends I stayed with live right beside the bar so seemed like the easy option to just stay there at that stage
  • friend who drove him is apologetic but got the impression we'd agreed that I wasn't ready to leave (since it was only 9pm)
  • has still not acknowledged why the messages about "getting calls and seeing photos" about what I "was up too"
  • won't explain why he didn't try and call me if he couldn't find me, didn't tell anyone still there he was leaving, didn't send a message or anything so first I knew was when I tried to find him and called him. The fact is that if he'd said time to go I would have come too - the bar was closing as Sunday night, most people had left by then, we'd had a lovely day.
  • yes I was definitely drunk but I don't get fall down blackout drunk ever and a quick poll among friends supports that I was having a blast dancing and socializing (they are the kind of friends who would definitely tell me otherwise)
We're basically now in tense barely talking mode. Because I'm not willing to back down until he apologizes but from experience it won't be forthcoming. So it feels like a stand off. He is totally unremorseful and appears not to think he did anything wrong and is minimizing suggesting I'm blowing it out of proportion. I know that I am not don't worry !

This kind of argument when we're disagreeing on the facts usually ends with me getting fed up of the atmosphere and just moving on (hence the brushing under the carpet thing before)
I KNOW this is a fucked up dynamic believe me.
I understand the LTB comments I really do but this was not a normal thing to happen at all. If he could say listen I was really wasted thought I couldn't find you and got it all twisted and I made a huge mistake pls forgive me I would find solace in that.
I also know if it had been the other way round he would have lost his mind at me.
I just find his determination never to humble himself to admit any wrongdoing very disgusting.
I have a lot to think about for sure
Unfortunately we're flying back to home country tomorrow for family Xmas so I'm not sure what I can do right now other than log this for the future
Sorry if that upsets anyone but I can't and won't be leaving for now
I probably won't post here again but I thank you for your support and letting me know I wasn't over reacting

As predicted "his perspective" is rather different - in that he couldn't find me, it was obvious I was looking for an excuse to stay out later and could in fact have found someone to bring me home. That I was wasted and didn't know what I was doing etc.

how is it possible that you were so drunk that you didn’t even know what you were doing. But were still looking for an excuse to stay out later?

and if he genuinely thought that you were too drunk to know what you were doing… what kind of caring partner would simply decide to leave you there?

Original poster
cannonlc · 12/12/2023 15:48

Yes the two things don't really add up do they ? If I was so wasted I had disappeared then why didn't anyone else know he was looking for me and help track me down ??

OP posts:
Vuurhoutjies · 12/12/2023 15:51

At the end of the day, he didn't look for you or make any effort to contact you when he supposedly left and, if he really thought you were that drunk, he should have been looking out for you not abandoning you. And then he told you that he would NOT let you into the house. All the long winded explanations and justifications are irrelevant. Those three things are unacceptable, under any circumstances.

And right now, he's waiting for you to back down and/or to change your behaviour next time.

madaboutmad · 12/12/2023 15:52

What a wanker.

gamerchick · 12/12/2023 16:03

And right now, he's waiting for you to back down and/or to change your behaviour next time

Which he's going to get isn't he?

Funny how men can wait it out for as long as possible. My ex was the same.

Ebokebok · 12/12/2023 16:13

cannonlc · 12/12/2023 15:48

Yes the two things don't really add up do they ? If I was so wasted I had disappeared then why didn't anyone else know he was looking for me and help track me down ??

You're wasting your time looking for logic and reason and trying to get him on a technicality. He's not interested in the truth. He only cares about being right, gaslighting you and prolonging the stand off until you give in. Fine to come on here to moan about it but unless you actually do something about it, then this is your life now and he isn't going to change.

MichaelAndEagle · 12/12/2023 16:18

I understand why it isn't as easy as LTB.
But logging this behaviour is still useful.
You know you are not wrong, over reacting etc. And that is a step forward from trying to explain yourself to him, allowing yourself to be gas lighted and eventually apologising.
Even if you aren't ready to leave now, you can still post here.
And keeping an actual log, a diary of these events can be useful. It helped me see the picture over a longer period. And I did eventually leave when I could.

Original poster
cannonlc · 12/12/2023 16:26

@MichaelAndEagle thank you for that. I've seen it before on here when someone doesn't immediately pack up and leave there is loads of abuse but just getting the advice, seeing other people think the same , all that is helpful

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 12/12/2023 16:34

Happy Birthday for tomorrow @cannonlc , I am sure your children will help make it a good one ❤

Sorry if that upsets anyone but I can't and won't be leaving for now
Usually when we say leave, it means start planning how you want your future to look. Start getting financials together, better job, see a solicitor for advice, etc. It doesn't matter if it takes a day, a week or ten years. It doesn't matter if it involves physically leaving, mentally/emotionally protecting yourself or going to therapy.

It just means do not accept this life, it's not a good one, and in fact we can all see it's a shit one. You deserve way more. Flowers

Original poster
cannonlc · 12/12/2023 16:36

Thanks @AutumnFroglets that's made me a bit teary. I have known for years there loads of stuff I've put up with for a mostly good life and relationship but as I get older it's changing. I am about to go to a scheduled bday lunch with my friends and I don't want to go in wondering what they're thinking about it all and feeling so embarrassed about the whole thing.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 12/12/2023 16:46

Please stop covering for him though if friends ask about it. I see that so often in relationships. If he was a douche tell folks honestly if they enquire. No need to bad mouth him but in the same breath I wouldn’t play things down for folks.

Epidote · 12/12/2023 17:11

@cannonlc don't try to understand his reasons. They are not reason they are excuses to be a dicked and screw with your mind.

diddl · 12/12/2023 17:16

It is sounding a bit "boiling frog" isn't it?

You put up with something, then something else without really noticing it building up.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/12/2023 17:17

Happy Birthday for tomorrow @cannonlc !! 🎂

Purplebunnie · 12/12/2023 17:22

Hope you have a wonderful Birthday tomorrow x

Allthecheeseplease · 12/12/2023 17:28

@cannonlc

I'm glad you can see it for what it is but you need to look back to. You say this is not normal but then go on to say that this always happens (you back down, he won't admit he's wrong) You also say you're doing this for a good life and relationship. Is it really a good life? Or is it what you've convinced yourself to put up with. I genuinely hope you have a lovely birthday and the flight home is ok. 2024 can be so different for you if you want.

Pizdietz · 12/12/2023 17:36

Happy birthday for tomorrow, OP. You know in your heart what's the very best present you could give yourself. Life is too short to have the joy sucked out of it by someone with weird issues. And life is too hard to spend it with someone who creates dramas out of thin air. Good luck Flowers

Endoftheroad12345 · 12/12/2023 17:52

Happy birthday for tomorrow @cannonlc

It takes a long time to reach breaking point in a marriage like this. I tried and tried and tried and tried - 21 years in total (13 married).

The three incidents I detailed in my earlier post happened in 2011, 2016 and 2021 … I eventually left November 2022. And of course there were many MANY other episodes over that period, large and small. So I could hardly be accused of making a quick LTB decision 😵‍💫

Don’t bother arguing with him to try to make him see your point of view. If he’s anything like my ex he will never change and will just use it as an excuse to detail all the reasons you are in the wrong/responsible for his behaviour.

One thing I agree with is everyone saying if you were so wasted (you clearly weren’t), what kind of unloving & uncaring parter would ditch you? ExH would have run the same argument and I would have believed it was my fault. (Ironically he is the one with the alcohol problem.) My now DP utterly loves me and wouldn’t dream of leaving me in a position where I might be stranded or need help. It’s quite a new experience for me, going out with someone who actively wants to care for and protect me.

GreyBlackLove · 12/12/2023 18:32

I dont think it's fair to expect you to ltb a few weeks before Christmas over what feels like one argument. There's a lot to unpick and think about.

Like others say, it does sound like having a place to record thoughts, see bigger patterns and get reassurance would be good for you. Please don't cover for him either, you hear so many women say "our friends will be so shocked, they think he's such a great guy" and in part that's because they have been covering for these guys poor behaviour as it slowly escalated.

Perhaps take some time to think about what you want and make sure you have options should you decide you've had enough as a back up. It's never a bad thing to have options, even if you don't plan on using them.

Happy Birthday for when it comes Cake

Mix56 · 12/12/2023 18:38

You are completely right to not make decisions now.
But you can observe, analyse the patterns, the gaslighting, the double standards.
You can, & should, take your time, take a step back, and, breath.

Hoping your birthday isn't too tense ....

Original poster
cannonlc · 13/12/2023 00:41

Thank you everyone for the nice messages and bday wishes. All my friends even the ones who had left by then knew what had happened because I messaged them all that night in my WTF state so I'm not having to hide anything
Had lunch with them today and talked about it too. I'm lucky to have friends who listen and don't judge so feel better having seen them. We live in a really small community and most of our friends are "mutual" they know both of us pretty well.

Earlier I wrote a long message with bullet points of the facts of what happened as I see it . I didn't send it tho I don't know if I will. Ideally I'd like to send it and not have any response from him - I even wrote that I don't care about his reply it's irrelevant to me because these are the facts of what happened. It ended up being so long I'm not even sure he would read and absorb it all !!

OP posts:
Original poster
cannonlc · 13/12/2023 00:47

So for more context as well we live abroad and this time of year until about May is "season" - lots of parties and social events and going out. Last year we argued all the time - when we went out- because I was also drinking it was impossible to say what triggered those arguments but I can say a lot of the time they came out of the blue for me after a fun time. I was dreading the start of "season" this year and lo and behold in the last 2 weeks we've gone out and argued each time. It's made me decide , like a PP, to stop drinking with him and see what happens and be able to see it when I have a straight head and can't be gaslighted

Sorry that's a lot of info I guess I'm downloading.

I've had therapy in the past and know about the boiled frog analogy- had it in past relationship and didn't think I was in one now. Am definitely with what I think is a narcissist and he's a very good arguer and I am not so I always feel I can't express myself well or get my point across

OP posts: