Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

[cannonlc]

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

Exactly this. Just observe closely from now on and even keep a diary jotting down incidents so you can read them back and assess the amount/scale.

My exH was like this, raining on my parade every time I was having a fun time. He was like it before we got married and I ignored the signs. I ended up divorcing him as it stemmed from his own insecurities and was a way of control. He did get therapy to address it in the later years of our marriage but the damage was done. If your DH is not even willing to admit he's in the wrong or address the real issues underlying it, there's not much you can do. My advice is to ignore him and it, stop beating yourself up and seeking his forgiveness. When he realises you think he's being a silly man and he can't affect you, he'll lose interest in pursuing this as a tactic. Don't get into arguments with him over it. Let him sulk and treat him as you would a small idiot badly behaved child. It won't fix him but at least you'll establish your boundaries.

@JurassicParkaha I can relate but also think we seem to have two settings 1) him getting pissed and me making sure he gets home so having to switch to sensible mode if we're both out together (this is the mode we're almost always in- and a lot of the time I go home and leave him too it and get woken up when he can't work out how to get himself home properly - I have in the past got out of bed and picked him up hours after I went home to bed or 2) he's entirely sensible and a bit judgmental of me having fun

Fuck I hate writing that down as I can see how fucked up that is ! Actually someone pointed out about him waking me up to get in all the time being a bit weird and I never thought of it like that before - like if I'm out later I always have the ability to use a key and creep in and go to bed quietly but with him it's always a parade so even if I go home to bed I don't sleep until he's home - I can't because I'm never sure he'll get home ok! Ffs

The benefit of staying with someone - or in a situation - that is toxic is that it gives you time to observe things and get clarity. I suspect this event is your wake up call just to do that. Perhaps you can get yourself a lockable diary where you can write down your observations. You've had some brilliant advice on here. I like the one about not reacting to his sulking, because then he'll know not to bother doing it. It will also be interesting for you to observe what happens and what he does with you having better boundaries. My other suggestion is to 'get your ducks in a row', financially and so on, just in case you do decide to eventually leave. It will give you peace of mind if you are prepared.

I think in this case, if this argument only happens when you drink - could you both control your drinking together and find a way to have fun when neither get shit faced. But pleasantly tipsy? That was something both my ex and I did (we used to party hard) and it certainly reduced the drama on nights out. Problem is he just found other occasions to be a dick. But if your DH is only ever starting these fights when drunk, he needs to either stop or reduce his drinking.

Oh you definitely shouldn't have to wake up to let him in when he's drunk! He's a dangerous and sloppy drunk - and doesn't understand his boundaries. I know too many people who drink like this and eventually forget how to have fun or deal with life without alcohol. Alcoholism isn't just the guy propping up the bar all day, it's also the guy who drinks himself to oblivion each time.

It's not just a problem when you are both drinking if it continues for days after.

If it was alcohol related he'd sober up, be embarrassed and apologise. He wouldn't continue to be a controlling, gaslighting prick.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR TODAY!!!

Having read your update about your default options when you go out, how about you try a third option - you stop caring when he gets pissed and you don't go looking for him and making sure he gets home safely. He is a grown adult after all. If he gets drunk let him sort himself out. Stop being is safety net in situations like that.

I would also try a few nights out when you're on the dry and you can really see what his behaviour is like in all its glory. Perhaps on one of those occasions, you could take out your phone and record him saying things to you so that you have more evidence of his behaviour.

He doesn't sound like a warm and loving man to be around children to be honest, so as others have suggested, start now by getting your ducks in a row and then it will mean that if you make the decision to leave him later, it will be a lot more straightforward from your position.

Happy birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁

Make 2024 the year you leave and have a good life

Happy birthday @cannonlc 🎉

Thank you for bringing this to mum's net. It reminds me of a pattern of low self esteem that I have. There is heavy drinking into the mix which doesn't mix with raising younguns very well. Like all the atmosphere the kids will be learning. Difficult enough without getting hammered, even on your birthday.
Yes it does sound like what you're bloke has done for all of the reasons you and others have mentioned is not acceptable. People have said that it's not alcohol related because he's still being a dick which is only partly true because drugs (yes I think alcohol is a drug) effect the future. For instance if this pattern continues your family will be broken up. If he decides to take his life seriously and respect you and the children,(which means not getting hammered) then hopefully he will be able to progress emotionally rather than diving into the bottle as soon as life gets uncomfortable. This should mean that your relationship gets a chance to mature. I would suggest that unless he embarks diligently and honestly on a 12 step program that it will be unlikely to evolve. Hopefully the man you fell in love with is just stuck and needs therapy AND recovery. I like the advice about not enabling him. For yourself I think that contacting al-anon family groups or Coda UK would be a good shout. Your own recovery from this very situation could well start there. I wish you and your husband a happy birthday for next year.

OP he sounds a bit like my first husband. He's probably happier if he feels your attention is focused entirely on his happiness and welfare, and resents you being distracted in any way from that primary responsibility.

he's a very good arguer and I am not so I always feel I can't express myself well or get my point across
Sorry, but what this actually means is that he doesn't care how you feel. I'm sure any normal person would say you're making your points very clearly.

A bulleted list! I used to write those, too. Honestly, there's no point sharing it with him - he's not really interested.

Happy birthday, glad you have nice friends and can talk to them

how fucking dare he do that to me

Well, exactly! I'm glad you're finding your anger.

He wanted to punish you for some reason. Jealousy, putting you "in your place"
(i.e. at his beck and call), etc.

Please OP, don't shove this one "under the carpet". I think this is your wake-up call from the universe.

Personally, I would NEVER go out anywhere without my house keys, ability to get home safe and sound, taxi cost or whatever.

But then I'm a solo mum. much better place to be than with any man who has no respect for himself, therefore dumps it on his relationship

Because, be honest. A good man would NEVER treat a woman like that, never mind one you're sharing a life with.

Not suggesting you have an alcohol problem @cannonlc but once I broke up with exH I could see that he did have one, and our drinking together was problematic.

I’ve always been a happy drinker, don’t get me wrong I could drink a lot and have big nights but I didn’t “need” it and I never get nasty on booze - just talkative, louder, no doubt more annoying.

I came to realise that exH was a problem drinker - he drank 5 nights out of 7 and really had to white knuckle it to have Sunday/Monday off. Alcohol was a conscious requirement for stress management, he used it to escape. He is not as socially confident or likeable as me so I think sometimes would get boozed and see me having fun, people liking my company and he would get angry.

Now that we have split my drinking has decreased significantly and I don’t miss it at all. I drink maybe 1-2 drinks a week, only if I go out for dinner or have someone over. (Ok I admit I had my old school friends over for a bbq last weekend and many a margarita was drunk - I’m not totally reformed 😂 but that’s a rarity).

ExH will still be drinking 40-50 units a week.

It would be interesting to consider the role that alcohol plays in your H’a behaviour and mindset.

As you get older, your ability to tolerate BS goes entirely.

LTB. Not yet, when you are ready but do it. You can't go into old age with this nugget. He does not have your back.

No way would I leave DH is he was wasted at a party, I would be looking out for him.

Does he have another woman and is trying to get you to leave or something?

@Endoftheroad12345 He might well have a drink problem, but he's also got an arsehole problem if he didn't say "Sorry I messed up, I was being a wanker" the very next day! 😊

I agree @Pizdietz I posted earlier about how I was married to someone similar. People don’t behave like nasty pricks when they’re boozed unless they actually are nasty pricks.

Hi all thought I write an update because things are still crap and today I decided to return to this thread and read back how pretty much 100% of you confirmed how I was feeling.
So the follow up to him ditching me at the party was that somehow it all got flipped around to us being in an argument due to something I had done with almost a whole week of silent treatment including on my birthday and refusing to discuss it when I asked. During this week we set off our on trip home for Xmas which included a stay in the city we have a business and attending our Xmas party with staff wherein he'd walk off when I approached a group he was with. Intolerable and upsetting and torturous and also really confusing because I thought hang on I am the wronged party here what the fuck have I done ? (But I still don't know cos he wouldn't tell me)

Even in front of our kids who saw me holding back tears and knew I was upset they are 14 and 11 so they see what's going on and know when there is an atmosphere

So I have no idea how long this would have carried on for but in the end he fell quite ill with flu as soon as we arrived at my parents house for Xmas so spent 5 days in bed and I thought I really don't want to nurse you I don't really care !
I slept in a different room as he was so unwell and basically lay awake every night going over it all in my head thinking how wrong it all was and how dare he treat me like that

I can honestly say I think it's changed me I feel like my eyes have been opened and I can no longer tolerate it

Anyway we had 3 weeks with family and no alone time and no time when I felt like I could talk about it so like always it kind of got moved on from and we went back to "normal" except I haven't really myself I don't feel like I'm the same anymore that week has changed me. I can't stop thinking about all the times he's done shit that he wouldn't tolerate me doing and just brushed it off if Ive been annoyed
I've started making a list
Cos it's clear to me he has these amazing double standards

Anyway fast forward to last Saturday I dropped my teen and her mates at a house party - I'd been invited to stay but initially said I would come home but when I got there lots of people I knew were there so I messaged to say I think I'll stay and have some food and drive the teens back after all
I knew from his replies that I was "in trouble" but had a lovely evening talking to all kinds of people but also having anxiety about being in trouble
I got home at 11.30 as I brought the teens home at curfew
The next morning I get it in the neck for changing plans last minute and how disrespectful etc etc and the silent treatment returned- I lost it and was like oh here we go again how long can I expect it to last this time ? I literally stayed down the road at a friends chatting and then taxied a load of kids home how on earth am I in trouble for that ? Just because he was mildly inconvenienced I guess cos he didn't have dinner or something (I'd already fed our other child)
His punishment was to go out at 2pm, read and not reply to any messages and come home at 2am having broken our gate down to get in.

So now - I feel like I see so clearly now when this kind of thing isn't new but I've put up with it. That feeling of being in trouble / being punished is unbearable when I know I am just being a normal person doing normal acceptable things and the list I've started of shit he's done in the last few years is mind boggling

So what to do ? I honestly don't want to divorce partly cos I know he'd be a nightmare about it ! I'd like to try and get through to him tho I know you'll all say this is just his personality and he won't change
But our whole relationship has been never addressing any issues and just moving on from them so I want to sit him down and have a frank conversation to see what he does
I've had to write it all down because I have so much I need to say and know I won't be able to get it all out in person.
I need to try and make it work because we live overseas and I don't know what that would mean for the kids cos I'd have to stay here for them anyway.
But thank you for all your messages before I haven't wanted to read them again because it's really hard to have things you know deep down spelled out by so many strangers

At the very least his behaviour at and after our party has lifted the veil over my eyes and made me stronger to stand up for myself and not put up or shut up any longer.

This is an interesting post because we live in a place where the culture is very drinking heavy and I know see that this is toxic for us because we never used to have drink arguments when we lived elsewhere. Back then we had separate social groups and never really went out together that much if it was a big night it was one of us out and one at home and it worked fine
Since we got back after Xmas I've actually kept myself out of the scene and had some lovely weekends chilling with the kids and getting loads of stuff done at home etc
Meanwhile he's been going out
He is a v healthy guy who works out and manages his eating and "only" drinks at weekends trouble is he goes all out when he goes out and that's why I always have to be the sensible one while he does what he likes
So many things he has done that if I had done he'd be very angry about
I've started remembering all these specific instances recently that I guess I blocked out and been writing them down .
One example is getting so pissed on Xmas eve he passed out when we got home and I did all the stockings and Santa stuff on my own - but zero apologies the next day - but that alone is so fucking wrong and I would never ever do that but yet I get punished for staying at a party for a few hours staying sober and driving kids home just chatting and having a nice time

@cannonlc are you in NZ? just wondering bc of the time zones. I am too.

He’s not going to change. He knows exactly what he is doing - it serves him well. He doesn’t need a “frank conversation” to explain why his behaviour is unacceptable.

I think you need to decide whether you can live with this for the rest of your life. Divorcing a nasty man is a year of hell (but no worse than the endless hell of living with them)

No in the Caribbean so major expat party central culture which I can now see is totally toxic and I hate it !

But surely then it’s not forever @cannonlc ?

Well we've put down roots here were building a house we've got a business and we haven't lived in the uk for 20 years and lived in different places. Kids born in one place, family in another. Not sure where I'd end up if we split. I wouldn't want to be here that's for sure. So I'm stuck

Right now I'm trying to get the kids to school in the uk - youngest might not go for a couple of years but in theory once they're in school there I could go back there with them and leave him too it here !!

Do you mean boarding school? Is he in agreement with that? If you can get the kids to the UK then you can go with them and divorce him. They will probably have to go back for school holidays but you'll be able to at least apply for them to stay in the UK with you for half the time and their wishes will be considered at their ages so you may even be able to have them stay with you.
Even if you have to stay in the Caribbean until they are old enough to decide where they live it's not that long. You've got 7 years until the youngest is 18. You can divorce, live out there with the kids then go where you want.
Even if you had to live out there for the rest of your life it would still be better to live there on your own than continue this abusive relationship.
I guarantee he won't change if you explain all the things he's done wrong. If you start reading out a list he will switch off then get defensive and angry and punish you for bringing it up. By all means try but you know that I'm right if you think about it honestly.

Drop your list.

Go straight to the heart of the matter, be brief, be sure.

DP, I am not happy because this relaitionship is imbalanced. Since our birthday party I have looked at you, at us and at myself in an entirely differnt way.
It needs to change.

Lists and example just end up in tit for tat arguments. Nobody hears anybody, everybody knuckles down trying to play defense.

Be straight. Speak only about yourself - for example "you went left without me" becomes "I always make sure the people I love can home safely, most people do" etc.

Make him do the work - how do you want to live? What does a good relationship look like to you? We have been together a long time, have kids - do you want to keep going? How will that work? It no longer works for me to XXX.

See how he does. Good luck though - not easy at all.

PS - join or start a book club. Mine changed my life!

It’s good that last weekends issue you were driving as sober you had 100% no doubts that you had done nothing wrong, no way could you misconstrue anything as a result of his gaslighting.

hoping you’re able to sort schools out as I think that would be the best solution for you. You won’t change him and even if you could you now won’t change how you think about him.