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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

303 replies

cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:07

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

OP posts:
contactus · 11/12/2023 15:59

There are two perspectives to this story.

and you don’t seem to have any idea of either @Mumof2teens79

Mumof2teens79 · 11/12/2023 15:59

You are just lovely @contactus aren't you.
Yes clearly me trying to see things from both sides instead of calling the OPs partner abusive and gadlighting is an indication that I make things up and throw threats around when arguing and not the actions of a more reasonable person at all.

OP alludes to being quite drunk numerous times...we can't know how drunk but in my experience people often underestimate how drunk they are.

contactus · 11/12/2023 15:59

crumblingschools · 11/12/2023 15:58

@Mumof2teens79 the OP does say this is a pattern of behaviour although the worst it has been

this poster also has the view the Op was trashed

she clearly hasn’t bothered to finish reading the Op let alone the follow ups

contactus · 11/12/2023 16:01

Mumof2teens79 · 11/12/2023 15:59

You are just lovely @contactus aren't you.
Yes clearly me trying to see things from both sides instead of calling the OPs partner abusive and gadlighting is an indication that I make things up and throw threats around when arguing and not the actions of a more reasonable person at all.

OP alludes to being quite drunk numerous times...we can't know how drunk but in my experience people often underestimate how drunk they are.

so now the Op “alluded to being quite drunk”

rather different from your comment upthread where she’s blind drunk

gamerchick · 11/12/2023 16:01

Mumof2teens79 · 11/12/2023 15:53

I am not sure why people are saying this is abusive or a pattern. Reading OPs posts I can't see anything that says this is a regular or repeat occurrence.

The abusive relationship was years ago with someone else....but similar issues, OP being told she behaved inappropriately when drunk but doesn't remember.

I know you just read what you want. You just crack on with that.

However, even if you did read what you want on this thread, Locking someone out of the house and not caring if they're safe is abusive. No matter how much you tie yourself up in knots to say it isn't.

contactus · 11/12/2023 16:02

Mumof2teens79 · 11/12/2023 15:59

You are just lovely @contactus aren't you.
Yes clearly me trying to see things from both sides instead of calling the OPs partner abusive and gadlighting is an indication that I make things up and throw threats around when arguing and not the actions of a more reasonable person at all.

OP alludes to being quite drunk numerous times...we can't know how drunk but in my experience people often underestimate how drunk they are.

and you see no pattern…. but skated over the “usually i sweep this under the carpet” comment

all very well trying to see the other perspective

but how about grasping the OP’s perspective before doing so?

contactus · 11/12/2023 16:03

so if your daughter came to you @Mumof2teens79 and said the OP to you… you’d start giving the other perspective and saying perhaps she underestimated how drunk she was and her dh was probs my baffled that she didn’t come home despite him essentially telling her he would not let her in?

GabriellaMontez · 11/12/2023 16:08

Mumof2teens79 · 11/12/2023 15:53

I am not sure why people are saying this is abusive or a pattern. Reading OPs posts I can't see anything that says this is a regular or repeat occurrence.

The abusive relationship was years ago with someone else....but similar issues, OP being told she behaved inappropriately when drunk but doesn't remember.

There are a lot of clues that this has happened before. And the statement.

yes it's a bit of a pattern but this is definitely far beyond anything else that's ever happened

But hey, just carry on minimising and excusing him.

contactus · 11/12/2023 16:11

Reading OPs posts I can't see anything that says this is a regular or repeat occurrence.

You do have to actually read the posts in gather this

Namechange4234 · 11/12/2023 16:12

The man's a twat. Get rid

contactus · 11/12/2023 16:13

we can't know how drunk but in my experience people often underestimate how drunk they are.
and you’d say this to your daughter if something awful happened and had been drinking but made no reference at all to being trashed or even close

JANEY205 · 11/12/2023 16:13

Mikimoto · 11/12/2023 08:57

Maybe your "long drunky conversations" were longer and drunkier than you imagined?

AND? Anytime my husband has been drunk and wanting to stay longer than me (I don’t drink), I go and communicate with him that I’m either going to head home and make sure he has a lift AND can get home OR I wait an extra but of time if he wants to wrap up saying bye to people. We usually go home at the same time tho. I don’t drink but would expect the same off him if he was ready to head home. I would never ever do what OPs partner has done.

This is emotional abuse. I’m sorry he spoiled your party! Don’t let him spoil your life.

diddl · 11/12/2023 16:36

cannonlc · 11/12/2023 11:50

I'm honestly absolutely dreading seeing him when I finally manage to find a way to get home
I am angry and I KNOW I'm in the right here but I also KNOW that he's going to be saying this that and the other as if it justifies what he did even if I had done anything . I feel like I can't cope with going round in circles arguing when he should be fucking bended knee apologizing and begging for my forgiveness

I wouldn't be bothered about talking/arguing about it.

He treats you like shit & you know the only thing to do is leave.

Roselilly36 · 11/12/2023 16:39

What an awful for him to do, no way would my DH ever do something like this to me. What if something had happened to you?

SacreBleugh · 11/12/2023 16:46

This is awful OP and I hope you ditch him. It gave me flashbacks to a relationship I had many years ago. Exactly the kind of thing he would have done.

orchardgirl4 · 11/12/2023 16:47

He kind of sounds hurt, by the reaction you got from him. Maybe he couldn't find you and was hurt that you'd gone off, maybe thought you'd gone home, maybe he did then see you and whilst he's been running around worrying trying to find you, then finds out you're having a merry drink not caring (trying to see from his perspective, a generous possibility). You agreed a lift together and then it was the time it was offered he could not find you and was hurt. Were any of your friends male, could have made him feel jealous?
Either way, best to wait when feelings aren't high before you talk about what happened, and hopefully you'll both be able to listen.

Amazedtobesane · 11/12/2023 16:57

@orchardgirl4 - for goodness sake!

He kind of sounds hurt

So hurt that he locked his wife out of the house and pretty well told her to sort it out herself.

he's been running around worrying trying to find you

They have phones so he could have called her, or he could have asked someone, 'Have you seen cannon?'

you're having a merry drink

Indeed yes, it's a party and expected that people have a merry drink.

Why are you trying to excuse this dreadful man?

Ramalangadingdong · 11/12/2023 17:05

Amazedtobesane · 11/12/2023 16:57

@orchardgirl4 - for goodness sake!

He kind of sounds hurt

So hurt that he locked his wife out of the house and pretty well told her to sort it out herself.

he's been running around worrying trying to find you

They have phones so he could have called her, or he could have asked someone, 'Have you seen cannon?'

you're having a merry drink

Indeed yes, it's a party and expected that people have a merry drink.

Why are you trying to excuse this dreadful man?

Depressing, isn’t it?

Makes you wonder what sort of shit these people put up with in their relationships.

notacooldad · 11/12/2023 17:09

Maybe your "long drunky conversations" were longer and drunkier than you imagined?
So what?
Me and Dh have been to loads of parties and we go our separate ways there. We all have 'long boozy conversations' with people but Dh has never left me stranded or been annoyed with me. He let's me do my thing and will pop over to join in or see if I need a drink or anything. The Op's Dh is just nasty.

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2023 17:10

@Ramalangadingdong

The answer (if you read MN frequently) is: Lots of it Sad

notacooldad · 11/12/2023 17:11

He kind of sounds hurt, by the reaction you got from him. Maybe he couldn't find you and was hurt that you'd gone off, maybe thought you'd gone home, maybe he did then see you and whilst he's been running around worrying trying to find you, then finds out you're having a merry drink not caring (trying to see from his perspective, a generous possibility). You agreed a lift together and then it was the time it was offered he could not find you and was hurt. Were any of your friends male, could have made him feel jealous?
Either way, best to wait when feelings aren't high before you talk about what happened, and hopefully you'll both be able to listen
What the hell?
Nice bit of victim blaming there.

SomersetBrie · 11/12/2023 17:17

orchardgirl4 · 11/12/2023 16:47

He kind of sounds hurt, by the reaction you got from him. Maybe he couldn't find you and was hurt that you'd gone off, maybe thought you'd gone home, maybe he did then see you and whilst he's been running around worrying trying to find you, then finds out you're having a merry drink not caring (trying to see from his perspective, a generous possibility). You agreed a lift together and then it was the time it was offered he could not find you and was hurt. Were any of your friends male, could have made him feel jealous?
Either way, best to wait when feelings aren't high before you talk about what happened, and hopefully you'll both be able to listen.

Would you honestly put up with being left behind at your own birthday party and then being locked out of your house because your DH might be hurt?
Wow.

Flamingbow · 11/12/2023 17:22

Even if you were super drunk that's even more of a reason not to leave you there and lock you out?! A decent partner would want to make sure you got home safely. There's no reason for an adult to sulk like this and to block access to your own home.

OhComeOnFFS · 11/12/2023 17:26

For me, it wouldn't make any difference what he had to say. He put you at risk of harm and he is blaming you for that. Not only that, he clearly thinks you are stupid.

Which country are you in? Do you have a friend you could go to stay with while you think about your options?

Mix56 · 11/12/2023 17:50

"This is emotional abuse. I’m sorry he spoiled your party! Don’t let him spoil your life."

This is actually the best post here

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