Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

[cannonlc]

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

He sounds totally unable to communicate properly. Do you think that he would agree to counselling? Even if you do decide to divorce it might be worth it for a more manageable split.

You have choices here. divorce has pros and cons, as does the status quo, including your DC, eg they will have been negatively affected by witnessing your H’s emotional abuse of you.

Suggest getting covert legal advice on whether you’re allowed to leave the country you’re in with the DC, which jurisdiction divorce would be under etc, If you can leave with them would make secret plans to do that, putting money away and so on, and lie, lie, lie to your H until you get out.

If your and your H’s current plan is for DC to attend boarding school that sounds high risk for them given their home situation.

Couple’s counselling isn’t recommended when someone is behaving in ways that are abusive.

You shouldn’t have to live your life in fear of his moods. The silent punishment treatment is completely out of order. (But you know this now). And I agree with others. Presenting him with a list is going to make him defensive and will not achieve any purpose. Unless the purpose of the list is just for your own thinking/sanity, etc.

I didn’t divorce my DH for a long time. I made excuses to myself: the kids, nice life, not that bad really… but the truth was I couldn’t get my head around the future. Where would I go? How would I manage financially? He would never move out in a million years and I couldn’t afford my own place. I was paralysed by being unable to picture how it could possibly be done.

But the truth is you don’t need to have the answers. You don’t need a perfect plan. You can take one day at a time. And be assured that life does move on. Things will work themselves out. They just will. And one day the difficulties will all be worked out and you’ll have actually done it!!

I think for now you might be better off to emotionally detach from him. It hurts when he gives you the silent treatment because you care. You care about why he is upset. And what your part was. That flipped switch inside now you see him for what he is - use it to your advantage. Build a wall. Protect your inner self like you would a child. Nurture that part of you. Stop caring about him and care only about your children and your inner self. Start the divorce in your head/heart now. Say to yourself “I honestly don’t give two shits if he is in a huff. Let him huff. He cannot touch me inside. I won’t let him in”. Breeze through it if he huffs. Live your life as if he isn’t really there anymore. I don’t mean ignore him. Ignore his huffs though. Ignore his attempts to control your emotions. You’re in charge of those, not him. You are not a puppet and he doesn’t get to pull your strings. Be polite and friendly. But do what you want. You don’t need his permission to do anything. If you want to stay at a party, then stay at a party. Imagine yourself as single. What would your single self do? She would stay at the party and she wouldn’t worry about anyone else as there isn’t anyone else to worry about. So do that. And stay at the party knowing (and not giving two shits!) that he will give you the silence. And so what if he does??! Act like he isn’t there. Literally. Compare the silent treatment to the actual silence of him not being there. In fact try and find a way to laugh at him (inside obvs!). How pathetic his silent treatment is. How transparent! To try and make you feel guilty and act guilty and pander to him and ask and ask and ask oh what have I done? Please please I’m begging you to tell me….. fuck off!!! Laugh at how this is nothing to you. Rise above it. Take his power away and take back control of your emotions. As that’s all you can control. He can do his spoilt little boy act. And you can smile and do what pleases you as if he is no longer there.

And think about divorcing him as soon as possible as it really will work out and you will be freeeeeeee!!!!

You might find this series of threads helpful jamaisjedores went through similar to you and has come out the other end, it took a loooonnng time.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

THIS completely OP!!

You absolutely can go back. You don't have to stay there with him. He's so rude and disrespectful and narcissistic.

I would give him an ultimatum. Send him those messages he reads and doesn't reply to because at least he will read it.

Tell him you're not accepting his punishment anymore and that it's not a normal way to behave with your spouse, so unless he agrees to talk about it and get help together then it's over.

You really don't deserve this. You've moved countries before, you can do it again.

I think getting your DC in schools in the UK first is the wisest move before telling him it's over.

If it means boarding school for a year then so be it. Once you move over they can stop boarding if they don't Iike it. Financially can you afford to fund 2 at private school on your own?

I don't think you getting a financial settlement or divorce will be quick or easy if he can drag his feet.

I would find a solicitor who is experienced and gets good results with your situation. Investing in getting all the facts before saying anything would be best.

Hi everyone just checking in to say I'm off on an all day girls trip today so I won't be able to reply but I'll be sure to read and reply over the weekend

Read your posts with a lot of empathy, as my DH also loves a sulk…Don’t these men know that life is too short?!

I suggest that you get into ‘project’ mode. From now on, you are making a plan B. Just research and squirrel away little bits of information.

A few things that come to mind as a starting point:
What would your status be in the UK?
Have you kept up NI contributions etc?
Are there areas that you could live and work close to your DC’s potential schools?
Could you open a UK bank account?

Yes OP read this .

Thank you @BustyLaRoux what an insightful message it's like you're me and you know exactly how it is.
The list is actually for me I keep remembering past things that I'd put aside but that were actually really shit but I wasn't allowed to be cross about ! I'm keeping the list for me to have a reality check and reminder I wouldn't present him with it

And I know other Pp are right - what I want to do is say you did this and it made me feel x but actually it's going to be pointless doing that . I started writing him an email to read while he has been away this week so I could say all the things I wanted to say that I couldn't say to him in person and it was ended up being a novel !! So I won't send it

He's away and kids at sleepovers and I've had a lovely day with a large group of amazing friends and having a sleepover with a couple of them without being in trouble !

Thank you @yesmen I'm taking this on board I need to find my strength to even say anything right now I feel so scared to even broach the fact that things are weird and uncomfortable I think because I'm scared of what he'll come out with that will make it about all the stuff I've done and what a terrible person I am . So I've been trained not to stand up for myself basically

The thing that is so fucked up is that even though really I do know that I haven't done anything wrong there is still a niggle of doubt about that because he's so convinced me about not being a good person in the past.
He's even thrown the word narcissist at me which I found quite funny because im quite sure he doesn't really know what it means.
I don't know what's wrong with me that I care so much about whether he is happy with me or not and if he's acting "off" how it has a physical affect on me / in a detached way I know I'm a "catch" in a lot of ways I'm caring kind loving fun social a good mum and daughter and daughter in law and friend smart and funny and all sorts of good stuff but I never hear that from him in fact half the time i feel like he doesn't even really like me that much and yet i seek his approval for my own well being
I'm otherwise a pretty strong woman with good friends and a good career
I don't think anyone could guess that our relationship is less than perfect in fact i think outwardly we look like a pretty great couple - as long as I'm behaving mind you .. i think the birthday party thing took the shine off cos all my mates that were there are still wtf about that

Sorry for the steam of consciousness but i keep remembering stuff - so last year he told me he was unhappy and things had to change his feedback was that spoke to him rudely and the kids were learning from me and doing the same - tbh I didn't really feel like this was the case at all but thought well maybe i don't realize if im snappy or short so I'll try harder . So I did an became very conscious about my communication with him and then at the same time he went through a period of being really rude and dismissive to me and I remember thinking wtf I'm trying hard not to do the exact thing you're now doing to me !!

And do you know what else ? Our birthday the year before was also a nightmare because he'd planned a party but had been away for a work trip and his flight got delayed and he had all kinds of nightmares getting back so he was late to the party but I was having a lovely time and then he was messaging me all cross about his nightmare situation and I remember feeling super anxious and worried about appeasing him when he finally made it there - and he ignored me when he arrived and treated me like I'd done something wrong then as well

Jesus it's like the floodgates in my brain have opened

Who does he think he is - your dad?

Cannot abide sulking its emotional abuse and absolutely pathetic above the age of 6.

cannonlc your rememberings are making me so sad for you! All these times he’s sought to punish you. Actually it doesn’t matter what you had or hadn’t done. (Probably nothing to be honest). A normal relationship doesn’t involve routinely punishing the other person!!!!! It isn’t normal to behave that way. The silent treatment has an extra layer of cruelty as it is specifically designed to eat away at your self esteem and leave you on the back foot and apologising for yourself. It’s such a power play. A hold over you. He obviously gets something from wrong footing you. All these occasions ruined by his senseless punishing of you! WTAF?! Things which should be easy and fun and instead you’re carrying this dread around and unable to enjoy yourself as you should be doing. You sound like a lovely fun, thoughtful and caring person, and he gradually chipping away at your confidence, making you feel guilty for just being you. You don’t need to change. You don’t need to spend any more time wondering that’s wrong with you. There isn’t anything “wrong” with you.
Who knows why men do this. Why do we even care? He maybe thinks he should be your number one priority at all times (more than your birthday, more than enjoying a party with friends, more than the loss of your dad) and if he feels like you haven’t given him the appropriate level of adoration/respect/concern for his feelings then you deserve to be punished. How pathetic!!! A real partner would never do that. A real partner would use words and communicate their needs (“gosh I’ve had a frightful time getting to this party! Give us a cuddle. I could murder a beer!! Are you having a lovely time?” That kind of thing. Like normal
people do!)
You may not be able to leave quite now. That’s fine. Start thinking about getting the ducks in a row, finances wise. And in the meantime just mentally check out of the relationship. As you say he isn’t going to change. All the onus is you feeling guilty and sorry and changing yourself to appease him. Whatever you do will never be enough because you are not the problem.
One day you’ll have a new life with a new partner who arrives at a party and sees you having a lovely time and instead of feeling resentful will smile at you warmly and think how lovely you are and how happy they are to see you enjoying yourself. And you won’t have to experience that dread descending and zapping you of your spirit ever again! You really do deserve better. This life is the only one you’ll get.

PS. Sorry got your DH’s sulking confused with other thread which people have posted links to and which I remember where the DH was giving the OP the silent treatment on her birthday weekend and anniversary of her dad’s passing. Sorry. All these sulking DH’s just merge into one giant twat really!!!

@BustyLaRoux is spot on.

You come across as having a lovely nature, which can make you quite easy prey with someone like this.

You’re married to him with DCs a business etc., so he sees you as being trapped with him, and when the mood takes him, for whatever reason, he turns into a bully and gets off on upsetting and humiliating you in front of your friends and colleagues when you least expect it. Because he thinks he can.

Now you know the animal, you can withdraw from him and slowly decide what you want to do.

Never stop being you 💐

I think you need to start making a plan. Save, see a solicitor etc. Any trusted friends you can confide in?

OP, there's absolutely no point in telling him how he's made you unhappy.

He won't care. He knows already. That's why he does it!

It's a feature, not a bug.

He wants you to feel that way, because it gets you walking on eggshells and catering to his every whim to try to avoid it. Of course, you'll never succeed because he has to move the goal posts to keep you on the eggshells.

He won't have a sudden realisation that he's a shit and change. He's not doing it by accident.

Your dh sounds a lot like my mil who is a complete narcissist.
We always had to tiptoe around, fulfilling our allocated roles and where any sign of dissension was dealt with by being ostracised until we 'learnt our lesson'.
We've been NC for 5 blissful years now.
I tried to explain once why my dh wanted to distance himself from her and she didn't 'hear' a word I said. The sad fact is that she will never understand how we feel as she isn't able to. The world literally revolves around her and you're either with them or against them.
I find the fact you use the words 'when I've done something wrong' really sad. You really haven't. It's ok to be spontaneous and be with friends. He just didn't like it because you were being autonomous and weren't waiting on him, hand and foot.
One of the reasons I went NC with my in laws was because of how it was affecting my children. The withdrawal of affection when we had 'been naughty' was affecting my son in particular. I remember him at the age of 9, asking me what he had done to upset granny. I replied asking why he thought that and his answer was, why doesn't she want to see me anymore.
This broke my heart. This form of emotional blackmail is disgusting and insidious. I'm glad that he's not subjected to it anymore.
I know that you're the main target of his abuse but your children will be involved too.

Remember too that as soon as he knows you are 'on to him' he will start again with the love bombing that got you hooked on him in the first place.

We don't even need to express the idea that we now 'know' his real personality - somehow they just sense when we become more confident & are not hanging on their every word nor getting our sense of identity from who they say we are.

Im glad your eyes have opened OP and I wish you well.

As others have said, get your thoughts gathered, finances sorted and prepare to get out when you can.

You really are his metaphorical punch bag.