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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

303 replies

cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:07

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/12/2023 08:50

It sounds like you're in another emotionally abusive relationship

Nicole1111 · 11/12/2023 08:54

I imagine you were having a good time, lighting up the room, attracting attention and his ego took a hit at not being the centre of your universe or himself not getting attention, and he decided to punish you, only to realise he didn’t have a good reason to and so he had to be all vague about what you’d supposedly done. If he’s been weird and it’s a one off that’s ok (not ideal but ok) and can be moved on from but he needs to own it for that to happen so stick to your guns.

Mikimoto · 11/12/2023 08:57

Maybe your "long drunky conversations" were longer and drunkier than you imagined?

3luckystars · 11/12/2023 08:59

Some people just turn mean and jealous when they are drunk.

BringMeTea · 11/12/2023 09:01

It will only get worse and you will become older and unhappier. Please leave this abusive loser. Flowers

barbarahunter · 11/12/2023 09:03

I agree with the others who say that his behaviour was designed to 'punish' you and ruin your evening, because you were having the temerity to enjoy yourself at one point without him.

I used to be married to someone like this, too. It appears there's quite a few like this about.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/12/2023 09:04

What a nasty abusive man. The good thing is that he's revealed himself as such to all your friends.

Gnomegnomegnome · 11/12/2023 09:08

I would contact the person who drove him home. They were sober and might know what was going through his head as he left.

Parentofeanda · 11/12/2023 09:10

I couldn't be with someone like that, how embarrassing

AutumnFroglets · 11/12/2023 09:10

Sorry OP but you've found yourself another emotionally abusive man.

He can't stand you having a nice time without him. As for him always forgetting he has the spare fob so he wakes you up every time...that is deliberate.

You think he is generally okay but thats because you give in all the time for a quiet life. You do that so he doesn't find a way to make like unpleasant, to punish you.

It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for
You feel your reality is upside down - that is the true definition of gaslighting.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 11/12/2023 09:15

It feels a bit as though you are avoiding directly confirming posters' suspicions that he has form for this kind of behaviour. If so, there's no point in picking apart the details of this particular incident. I've seen many OPs on here who are in abusive relationships get massively preoccupied with whether a particular bit of behaviour was unacceptable, maybe as a distraction from having to face the fact that the whole relationship is abusive.

ElaineMBenes · 11/12/2023 09:16

Mikimoto · 11/12/2023 08:57

Maybe your "long drunky conversations" were longer and drunkier than you imagined?

So what? Even if they were she doesn't deserve to be punished for that......

Discospacecherry · 11/12/2023 09:16

Sorry op but it really sounding like he's emotionally abusive.

I'm sorry he spoilt a nice day. Has he got form for spoiling things? How are things between you in general?

I agree with pp's on not backing down! He seems to want to bully you into submission. Fuck knows for what but it's a power thing.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 11/12/2023 09:17

As for him always forgetting he has the spare fob so he wakes you up every time...that is deliberate

Another trick ex had was always turning on the hall light and the overhead light in the bedroom to wake me up, no matter how late he'd come home. He apparently couldn't undress quietly in the dark.

Chilicabbage · 11/12/2023 09:21

he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what

Someone shitstirred when you were both drunk...

DaftyInTheMiddle · 11/12/2023 09:21

Mikimoto · 11/12/2023 08:57

Maybe your "long drunky conversations" were longer and drunkier than you imagined?

So what if they were? He couldn’t come up to her and say “it’s getting time to be going home pet, let’s go” or “I can see your enjoying your evening, I’m off home I’ll see you when you’re done”

I don’t know why OP wouldn’t have her own fob though, she makes reference to a “spare” it’s bonkers only having one in use.

Shiningout · 11/12/2023 09:23

Op if you'd done something wrong he'd be telling you what it was and confronting you surely. The truth is he was probably drunk and got jealous and pissed off and slumped off home.

Scarydinosaurs · 11/12/2023 09:24

Is it possible it’s a bit of transference? Ie he himself wants to be unfaithful so in his drunkenness he is accusing you of the thing that he wants to do?

Or does he have friends who have ‘banter’ where they tease him that you’re off chatting to other men? And he has got it into his head that there is truth to it?

Either way it’s his issue not yours. You must be so disappointed.

Eddielizzard · 11/12/2023 09:26

I think your DH didn't like that you were having a great time and for once he was the one to want to go home first. He didn't like the narrative that you were more socially successful than him, so he was determined to smash your evening and punish you for it.

He can't apologise because that would mean admitting the above which he knows is very, very wrong.

I'd have a quiet word with the friend who was supposed to drive you home to find out what your DH said, in order to get a better understanding.

This really sounds like a very toxic relationship tho.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 11/12/2023 09:27

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 11/12/2023 09:15

It feels a bit as though you are avoiding directly confirming posters' suspicions that he has form for this kind of behaviour. If so, there's no point in picking apart the details of this particular incident. I've seen many OPs on here who are in abusive relationships get massively preoccupied with whether a particular bit of behaviour was unacceptable, maybe as a distraction from having to face the fact that the whole relationship is abusive.

This.

Sorry, OP, but another here who agrees it looks like you’re in an emotionally abusive situation. You’re avoiding replying to anyone who’s suggested this.

Has it ever occurred to you before that this might be the case? Have you ignored, excused or brushed His behaviour under the rug for a quiet life, and because he’s ok most of the time?

You need to confront this head on - I mean for yourself, not with him. Think about his he really treats you, how you really feel most of the time, how this impacts your own happiness, the lengths you may have gone to to moderate your own wants and needs and choices just to accommodate his pissiness and insecurity.

IME, once the scales have dropped and you stop kidding yourself, there’s no going back.

Headband · 11/12/2023 09:28

Was this your party? Don't the hosts normally stay until the end ? So there wouldn't have been an agreed time to leave, you leave when the last guests have gone.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 11/12/2023 09:29

option 3 - find your anger and tell him to go fuck himself. How dare he prevent you from
accessing your own home? Abusive piece of shit.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 11/12/2023 09:31

cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:07

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

And there you have it .

“From experience”
And you would normally brush it under the carpet!

Come on OP you know full well from being on musmnet exactly what he’s doing and why
You also know what you should do and what the advice will be

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 11/12/2023 09:32

On top of his utterly ridiculous, childish strop about absolutely nothing, who the fuck leaves their own birthday party before the guests? How fucking rude is he!

His behaviour is so outside of normal, that if my DP behaved like that I'd be honestly concerned that he'd had a medical episode of some sort. Agree a word with the friend that gave a lift might be worthwhile - did they not think it odd he wanted to leave his own party at 9pm?!

But it sounds like he does this 'I'm going to tarnish something because you enjoyed it too much' behaviour often. Maybe not to this batshit degree where you can absolutely put a finger on it and say 'there, that's what he did', but sounds like there's a pattern. In which case he's a complete knob, and not worth your time.

You really need to focus on it being him that was 100% out of order, don't let him twist and turn it into being your fault. He needs to apologise, and stop being a twat in future too. If he can't stop being a twat, I guess you need to decide if being married to a twat is for you.

ButterCupPie · 11/12/2023 09:32

Summerhillsquare · 11/12/2023 08:32

"Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life" there's your problem right there

Yes indeedy. Mumsnet's bread-and-butter. OP, this is your fate, unless you want to do something about it.