Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

[cannonlc]

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

why are men like this? what an absolute scumbag. I've been with someone like this. It was a long time ago, but it still plagues me sometimes, the nastiness he put me through. Could never stand it if I was having a good time with my mates- or with anyone for that matter. I won't let anyone use trauma or a bad childhood to justify these types of behaviours for others, because plenty of us have bad childhoods and still choose not to treat other people this way.

OP, I hope you can find the clarity to see him for what he's really like, and bring yourself to realise you deserve better, Even being alone is better than this kind of killjoy to your life.

Sounds like he is deflecting to me. He is determined to make you feel guilty for nothing. Which means he did something in my experience. Good luck OP anyone partner who leaves you stranded with no way to get home doesn't care/value you as they should . You deserve better x

Ah it was your birthday do too!?

Standard.

Narcissists and similar like to ruin holidays and special occasions that aren't all about them.

Happy birthday

Sorry, but it seems that he has ruined your joint party

What sort of person goes home alone from a joint party & without thanking the guests for attending- weird

He has locked you out deliberately

Time to end this relationship

I wouldn't bother getting into a discussion with him, nothing he says can excuse his behaviour. You say you have brushed other instances of this type of behaviour under the carpet and this for me would be the line in the sand, I would finish immediately with anyone who locked me out of my own home, no second chances after that. Don't bother hoping for an apology, you already know he won't give you one, just make plans to finish with him get him to leave, or you take the kids and move out.

He's a jealous s**t , can't bear to see you having fun and would rather throw a tantrum than try to join in. Of course,there's always the chance he's projecting. When you do get home , take both the fobs and accidentally mislay them next time he's out. You deserve better

You are sure you did nothing wrong OP.
Therefore don’t bother asking what you did wrong. Why encourage him to keep on and on with his bullshit lies.

You now tell him what you need.
Tell him that you expect him to be honest and open, genuine and regretful, and intent on seeking help to never repeat this gaslighting.
Tell him that you expect him to apologise to all the guests he walked out on, lied to and inconvenienced.
Tell him that you no longer trust him and expect him to work hard if he wants you be open to rebuilding trust between you starting with a full apology.
Tell him you are done unless he shows full accountability and responsibility for ruining your party.
Finally tell him it’s his prerogative whether he gives you what you need or not, but the relationship is over right now this minute with no going back if he doesn’t, as you are not wasting another minute of your time listening to and living with his gas lighting.

Tell him ….. and mean it. This is no way to live, especially with children in the mix.

I had this too.
We went to my friend’s wedding and stayed at same hotel as the wedding party and DH was bored there and just sat and acted bored.
When my friend ( the bride ) asked me dance with her as traditionally dancing with the girls, he said that I can’t do that, that is late ( it was 6pm!) and we have to go as I’m now a new mum and mums don’t behave like this.
So I left the wedding totally confused as it’s just literally started at 4pm.
We went up to the room, he hasn’t spoke to me at all.
My friends came up to our room to see if I would return downstairs to the wedding for a while, DH said no way, that’s it’s selfish from me , the baby is sleeping ( DD was one year old and with us) and I can not go.
So I did not go.
We traveled to this wedding 2 full days and spent there like 2 hrs.

Did you maybe do something that in your drunken stupor that you weren’t aware of? I’ve done this in my younger days, and had to have people tell me what I exactly did the following day, most of which I was oblivious to. Having a good time and a laugh - fine. Slobbering over someone’s husband and being inappropriate with him - not fine. We can’t judge on here because we we weren’t at the party.

Please tell me you dumped the controlling twat?

I guess you didn't read the OPs other posts. The ones where the other party goers do not understand his shitty behaviour either.

Reminds me of ex-DH who objected if I got a bit tiddly at a party (so I gave up having more than one drink) and I always ended the evening by asking him if I had behaved properly. Controlling.

Jealousy my dear! He thought you were having a better time than him… and he wasn’t the one in control of your better time so he’s sulking and trying to make you feel bad. Don’t! He’s a control freak! The problem is his not yours but you need to give him a good talking to and tell him to stop behaving like the spoiled child he so obviously is!

Hope you are OK OP

Well they might have been so drunk that they didnt rermember either ....

Yes. Of course.

Husband = right

Everyone else = wrong.

Silly us

Apart from all the reasons why this is so wrong, what about the fucking safety element? Dark and freezing outside, no cabs at the location - what if you were stranded and alone? It’s just so irresponsible of him. I bet your Dad would be fuming. Your DH is supposed to make sure you’re safe - he’s failed spectacularly hasn’t he? Wouldn’t it be lovely to just never go home and pretend to be missing?

Anyway, yes, it’s very abusive. Really and truly vile. You wouldn’t leave a vague acquaintance behind who you were meant to be lift sharing with. And you’re his WIFE!

Plus totally spoiling your birthday. Embarrassing you in front of friends.

It doesn’t get much worse than this.

I am so sorry 😢

He's vile.
He was probably pissed off because you were getting attention and having a good time.
My ex was like that. When we spent time with his friends in social situations he got really annoyed if I was chatting to them too much and seeming to get on with them and then have a go at me later. He said I'd made a show of myself, I'd flirted or I'd embarrassed his friends by talking about something I shouldn't have (absolutely not true).

Is he a coke head

Sounds like you weren’t paying him enough attention (in his head). If this is a pattern it’s pretty tedious for you.

All of the mental mind games stuff aside, to not even be concerned for your safety though? If you were that ‘drunk’ and he loves you, he would definitely make sure you got home safely.
I don’t blame you for questioning it all. Good luck x

Weirdly, first thing that came to mind for me, too

Depressing how many have similar experiences this is definitely a pattern for abusive men isn’t it 🙄.

I had a long term boyfriend in my twenties who would rant and rave and verbally abuse me after a night out. He would call it a “row” but funnily enough it was only him shouting and I’ve never had “rows” with anyone like that before or since. My end of line was when we had a friend of his staying who I didn’t really know but I was so relieved there was someone else with me when he kicked off in our flat after our night out. This man had to defend me and managed to get him to go to bed.

It’s not normal never in a million years would Dh do this. He is very sporty and drinks less so on occasion leaves earlier than me says his goodbyes checks I have a key and can get home safely then slips away. That’s what normal men do.

Yeah my ex liked his coke thinking about it. Can’t imagine why I didn’t stick with him!

Thanks everyone I have been reading all the replies
Yesterday I spent most of the day horizontal since I hadn't really been able to sleep.
As predicted "his perspective" is rather different - in that he couldn't find me, it was obvious I was looking for an excuse to stay out later and could in fact have found someone to bring me home. That I was wasted and didn't know what I was doing etc.

• I probably could have asked one of the bar staff that we know to drop me home - my issue was that when I spoke to him he was being a dick about the gate access and I was not convinced that I would be able to get in even if I got a ride.
• friends I stayed with live right beside the bar so seemed like the easy option to just stay there at that stage
• friend who drove him is apologetic but got the impression we'd agreed that I wasn't ready to leave (since it was only 9pm)
• has still not acknowledged why the messages about "getting calls and seeing photos" about what I "was up too"
• won't explain why he didn't try and call me if he couldn't find me, didn't tell anyone still there he was leaving, didn't send a message or anything so first I knew was when I tried to find him and called him. The fact is that if he'd said time to go I would have come too - the bar was closing as Sunday night, most people had left by then, we'd had a lovely day.
• yes I was definitely drunk but I don't get fall down blackout drunk ever and a quick poll among friends supports that I was having a blast dancing and socializing (they are the kind of friends who would definitely tell me otherwise)

We're basically now in tense barely talking mode. Because I'm not willing to back down until he apologizes but from experience it won't be forthcoming. So it feels like a stand off. He is totally unremorseful and appears not to think he did anything wrong and is minimizing suggesting I'm blowing it out of proportion. I know that I am not don't worry !

This kind of argument when we're disagreeing on the facts usually ends with me getting fed up of the atmosphere and just moving on (hence the brushing under the carpet thing before)
I KNOW this is a fucked up dynamic believe me.
I understand the LTB comments I really do but this was not a normal thing to happen at all. If he could say listen I was really wasted thought I couldn't find you and got it all twisted and I made a huge mistake pls forgive me I would find solace in that.
I also know if it had been the other way round he would have lost his mind at me.
I just find his determination never to humble himself to admit any wrongdoing very disgusting.
I have a lot to think about for sure
Unfortunately we're flying back to home country tomorrow for family Xmas so I'm not sure what I can do right now other than log this for the future
Sorry if that upsets anyone but I can't and won't be leaving for now
I probably won't post here again but I thank you for your support and letting me know I wasn't over reacting