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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

303 replies

cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:07

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 11/12/2023 08:16

Sounds like a nasty shit trying to piss on your chips because you were having fun. If you had actually done anything wrong and he had really had photos he would have told you what you did and what the photo showed. I would seriously be considering the relationship over this. Does he usually act like a toad when he sees you having fun?

Almondmum · 11/12/2023 08:16

2 things come to my mind.

Either he did something he shouldn't have at that party and he's deflecting to try and make you feel at fault.

Or - more likely as your post hints at him behaving like this before - he simply doesn't like or want to see you happy, confident, having fun. He wants you on the back foot, confused, insecure, second guessing yourself. It's easier to control you like that I assume.

Bicorne · 11/12/2023 08:17

But if he was also drinking, and you say you were drinking and left ‘stranded’ at the party with no cabs, how were you both planning to get home? In fact, how did he get home himself?

MiddleagedBeachbum · 11/12/2023 08:18

Even if you supposedly did something - it’s still mean, weird and out of order to leave without saying a word!

I agree with PP this is about control and jealousy.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 11/12/2023 08:19

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen

why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day?

Your first comment kind of explains your question here. Is he a bit of a bully? His way or the highway?

MrsElsa · 11/12/2023 08:20

Locking you out of your own home - you make it sound like he's done this before?

Original poster
cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:20

@Bicorne he got a ride home with someone without telling me he was leaving at that time. If we'd left together we would have shared this ride home - it was our original plan but with no specific time so he must have told the person who'd agreed to take us (non drinker) that he was ready to go and basically didn't tell me

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 11/12/2023 08:22

I wonder how he explained your absence to the friend who was going to give you a lift?

Original poster
cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:22

@MrsElsa no actually that has never happened because more often than not I get fed up earlier and go home and leave him too it - I always give him the spare fob so he can get in so I can go to bed and every time without fail he'll "forget" he has it and wakes me up to let him in

OP posts:
flowerchild2000 · 11/12/2023 08:23

Unless you have an ongoing drinking problem you're not telling us about, your DH is a big baby. Why do men have to be so childish. Is he usually like this?

comedycentral · 11/12/2023 08:29

How strange, is this new behaviour? You've not done anything wrong, is he a moody drunk?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 11/12/2023 08:29

Probably you were enjoying yourself too much, OP, and not paying him enough attention. My ex did this to me - OK for him to go drinking and not get home until 10pm but on the one occasion I had lunchtime NYE drinks at work and didn't get home until late afternoon he threw a massive strop and ignored me for the next day.

I really wish MN had been around when I was married. I recognise so much of his behaviour here and the red flags.

Original poster
cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:29

@flowerchild2000 not at all like I said afternoon party from about 3pm this was 9pm so hardly crazy town late territory! Kids away at sleepovers so assumption we'd have some fun and not have to worry about when to go home !

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 11/12/2023 08:32

"Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life" there's your problem right there

toastfiend · 11/12/2023 08:34

Your post indicates that he's behaved similarly to this before. One part really stood out for me, where you say he's telling you he's apparently received phone calls and seen photo evidence of you behaving in a way that is somehow inappropriate. My ex used to do this every time I went out and had a nice time with other people. He never had any photos or phone calls at all, he just wanted me to doubt myself, and if challenged on it would become increasingly blustery and ridiculous because he knew he'd been caught in a lie. He was controlling, jealous, and mean spirited and would never have been happy until I was sitting meekly at home by myself all the time. He dragged me down until I eventually got free and married someone confident enough in himself that my having fun doesn't threaten him. Your husband sounds a lot like my ex and if he is then I'm sorry, they don't improve and you'd be much better off out of it.

If this is a unique moment of madness for him then I'd be making it clear I expect an apology in the cold light of day, recognition that this was a shit way to behave, and a resolution to not behave like this again. I certainly wouldn't be saying sorry for enjoying myself and behaving in a normal way at a party. I feel like this isn't a one-off, though, and in your position I absolutely wouldn't be sticking around to be treated like this by some loser who is threatened by his wife enjoying time with friends.

contactus · 11/12/2023 08:34

i will take a punt

This isn’t a surprise to you because he often behaves like this and the marriage generally is a bit shite?

Original poster
cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:35

The thing that's really doing my head in is that I had an emotional abusive relationship when much younger and he used to tell me I had done stuff when I'd been drinking that I was always pretty certain I had not done but the seed of doubt was there - maybe I was more drunk than I realized and did disappear or something ?! But honestly I KNOW I didn't I KNOW I was talking to particular friends who were equally bemused when after looking for him I told them he'd left !! It's a horrible weird feeling

OP posts:
contactus · 11/12/2023 08:35

i guess your mutual friends weren’t too surprised either

Bireadwhatiread · 11/12/2023 08:36

He was alone and jealous. Will he ever admit this? No. So it's your fault.

The nail in one of my ltr was me having a good time with friends. I was made to feel terrible that I was talking to men (I wasn't flirting) and did spend years feeling terrible for speaking to men. Then I realised he was obsessively jealous and liked me home alone and I had dodged a bullet.

Women tend to go up and talk to people more easily, smile more etc so it's not surprising they so socialise more easily

Original poster
cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:37

@toastfiend I guess tomorrow will show where we're at I certainly expect a groveling apology but actually don't think that will be what happens

OP posts:
Endoftheroad12345 · 11/12/2023 08:38

My ex was like this. Ditched me at things countless times if it looked like I was having too much fun.

Examples:

  • dancing barefoot at my friend’s wedding (took off my high heels). Someone had broken a glass so I cut my foot. He decided I was out of control drunk and ditched me at the venue. My friend had to take me home (pre Uber days) as we’d planned to go home together (obviously!) and I hadn’t taken my wallet.
  • pinching the back of my arm leaving it black and blue with bruises the next day as he wanted to leave his best friend’s wedding reception and I was having too much fun chatting. It was only 11pm and we had travelled from NZ to London to attend it.
  • Sending me screeds of texts if he ever deemed I was out too late. The most notable example was farewell drinks when I was leaving a job. My work had made a big fuss of me, about 50 people came to the pub, we had kicked on afterwards to my boss’ house. I’d been at the job 2.5 years and prior to that on may leave so genuinely hadn’t been out past about 6pm for 4/5 years. The messages started about 11 “you better get home, it’s your turn to get up with the kids tomorrow, I will show no mercy” … my boss caught sight of them and said is that how he talks to you? That’s really not ok. (And yes he did make me get up at 5am.)

I left him last year after 21 years. Haven’t regretted it for a second.

HalebiHabibti · 11/12/2023 08:38

Be completely unrepentant OP. Don't even apologise for things you could reasonably say sorry for. That can come later - for now you need to present a completely "WTF you on about mate" front. He is deliberately being a dick and wanting you to feel bad and cave.

GrumpyPanda · 11/12/2023 08:41

Hope you noted that anyone reporting similar behaviours does so about their exes.

safetyfreak · 11/12/2023 08:43

So, he locked you out of your own home? you could not get home as he had the fob and refused to help. Abuse.

My ex husband sounds very smilar to your ex. My advice, RUN.

I have a child with my ex and its a nightmare, he loves playing petty power games.

AfraidToRun · 11/12/2023 08:47

I have 2 theories

  1. He felt they were more your friends than his, which made him feel ashamed so he took his shame out on you

or

  1. Realised you were probably too drunk for and/or tired for the amazing sex he thought you would have at a specific time in his own head.

These are the kind of thoughts my ex would have, so I'm just guessing. He would abandon me at parties for the above and then "forget" to take his keys out of the door so I couldn't get in.