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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

303 replies

cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:07

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

OP posts:
ButterCupPie · 11/12/2023 09:35

@EnjoythemoneyJane

Sorry, OP, but another here who agrees it looks like you’re in an emotionally abusive situation. You’re avoiding replying to anyone who’s suggested this.

Yes, and so typically Mumsnet. They see it right in front of their faces but won't do anything. Drives me wild!

BoredofBlonde · 11/12/2023 09:35

Mikimoto · 11/12/2023 08:57

Maybe your "long drunky conversations" were longer and drunkier than you imagined?

And thus the victim blaming begins...

Whataretheodds · 11/12/2023 09:35

I paused at only one fob for the security gate - do you not have one each?

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 11/12/2023 09:36

Mikimoto · 11/12/2023 08:57

Maybe your "long drunky conversations" were longer and drunkier than you imagined?

So?

So he gets to leave without saying goodbye (rude), leave her without a means of getting home (unsafe, uncaring) and lock her out of her own house (abusive and perhaps illegal) without knowing where she would sleep (uncaring, unsafe and abusive).

If anyone should be angry here it’s you OP. He left you without a means to get home and with nowhere to sleep. Not only did he ruin the night but he showed you how little he cares about you.

I think asking him to either apologise or provide proof is a good strategy. Stick to that on a broken record. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

If he starts saying and there was the time you did XYZ, bringing things up from the past (I’m guessing this is what he might do) just say ‘we can talk about that but first I either want a full and frank description of what you think I did and the evidence to back it up or I want a full apology for leaving me without a means to get home, with nowhere to stay, for talking to me like crap and for ruining my night.

Repeat the above. Don’t get side tracked. Don’t get emotional. Robot stuck record.

MistyFrequencies · 11/12/2023 09:37

Shoxfordian · 11/12/2023 08:50

It sounds like you're in another emotionally abusive relationship

This. He is a prick.

SeamsLegit · 11/12/2023 09:38

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 11/12/2023 09:36

So?

So he gets to leave without saying goodbye (rude), leave her without a means of getting home (unsafe, uncaring) and lock her out of her own house (abusive and perhaps illegal) without knowing where she would sleep (uncaring, unsafe and abusive).

If anyone should be angry here it’s you OP. He left you without a means to get home and with nowhere to sleep. Not only did he ruin the night but he showed you how little he cares about you.

I think asking him to either apologise or provide proof is a good strategy. Stick to that on a broken record. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

If he starts saying and there was the time you did XYZ, bringing things up from the past (I’m guessing this is what he might do) just say ‘we can talk about that but first I either want a full and frank description of what you think I did and the evidence to back it up or I want a full apology for leaving me without a means to get home, with nowhere to stay, for talking to me like crap and for ruining my night.

Repeat the above. Don’t get side tracked. Don’t get emotional. Robot stuck record.

Show quote history

Best reply out of many really good ones.

OP screenshot this!!

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 11/12/2023 09:38

I’m not saying LTB, but it’s interesting how quite a few posters have said “my ex did things like this…”.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 11/12/2023 09:39

AutumnFroglets · 11/12/2023 09:10

Sorry OP but you've found yourself another emotionally abusive man.

He can't stand you having a nice time without him. As for him always forgetting he has the spare fob so he wakes you up every time...that is deliberate.

You think he is generally okay but thats because you give in all the time for a quiet life. You do that so he doesn't find a way to make like unpleasant, to punish you.

It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for
You feel your reality is upside down - that is the true definition of gaslighting.

Edited

All of this OP
Ypu are in an abusive relationship

BoredofBlonde · 11/12/2023 09:39

cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:37

@toastfiend I guess tomorrow will show where we're at I certainly expect a groveling apology but actually don't think that will be what happens

Why tomorrow? Won't you see him today?

I always give him the spare fob so he can get in so I can go to bed - why dont you have the spare fob on your keys? Surely you take one each as normal practice?

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/12/2023 09:41

Mikimoto · 11/12/2023 08:57

Maybe your "long drunky conversations" were longer and drunkier than you imagined?

@Mikimoto

so what if they were? Hardly a crime is it

tachycardigan · 11/12/2023 09:42

I guess tomorrow will show where we're at I certainly expect a groveling apology but actually don't think that will be what happens

I think people treat their enemies worse than he’s treated you. I would be reassessing the relationship if there’s no reasonable explanation.

I’m guessing he’s not a good husband in other ways as well?

Quartz2208 · 11/12/2023 09:42

I think that the OP is not in the UK and it is currently nightime

MsPavlichenko · 11/12/2023 09:43

It’s classic controlling and coercive behaviour. It’s abuse regardless of how he is the majority of the time. Do the Freedom Programme, and if you already have do it again.

tachycardigan · 11/12/2023 09:47

cannonlc · 11/12/2023 08:22

@MrsElsa no actually that has never happened because more often than not I get fed up earlier and go home and leave him too it - I always give him the spare fob so he can get in so I can go to bed and every time without fail he'll "forget" he has it and wakes me up to let him in

I agree with pp, this is abusive behaviour. He didn’t forget he had his fob last night did he?

All those times he’s woken you up to let him in and he repays you with this. He’s grotesque, OP.

Nn9011 · 11/12/2023 09:52

I know some people have said this could be him being abusive and I don't disagree but sometimes when partners act like this it can be to deflect from their own behaviors.
Is it possible he left with someone else? He knew you wouldn't be able to get home to verify he was actually there, he's gaslighting you to think you were overly drunk so if you did see anything you wouldn't be a reliable witness and he clearly can't have looked for you too far as you were at the bar which is the most obvious place to work.

I'd be checking he definitely went home and if he did, that he went home alone.

Whatever the outcome, I'm sorry you're going through this.

ActDottie · 11/12/2023 09:56

Wtffff I can’t ever imagine my husband treating me like this.

Id keep seeking support from friends who were also at the party so they can confirm what a knobhead it was!!

But I’d not back down until he apologises.

Projectme · 11/12/2023 09:59

What @Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused said; rinse and repeat.

And then get rid of him. You've got yourself another abuser there.

ChateauDuMont · 11/12/2023 10:03

One of you has imbibed too much alcohol and has a recollection and experience of the party that is at odds with reality.

Your recollection appears to be a realistic account retold without drama or fuss.

His recollection is very emotional and dramatic.

You know him better than us but to me it's an odd thing for a man to behave like this unless someone else, usually a female, has put a flea in his ear.

Who was he closely attaches to during the evening?

Mothership4two · 11/12/2023 10:10

Gnomegnomegnome · 11/12/2023 09:08

I would contact the person who drove him home. They were sober and might know what was going through his head as he left.

I would definitely do this. As well as what he was telling them also what kind of mood he was in.

Mothership4two · 11/12/2023 10:11

That went through my head too @Nn9011.

getofftheplane · 11/12/2023 10:15

I think what happened is he looked for you, couldn't see you, thought you'd just gone home. Got home, was bored and jealous you were still there and having fun and is now lashing out because he's disappointed he made the wrong decision.

Mothership4two · 11/12/2023 10:16

So OP couldn't find DP, went looking, said she was worried and called him. DP couldn't find OP, didn't bother really looking or calling, just left, locked her out and was sh*tty on the phone. That discrepancy says it all.

No way DH would ever just leave me at a venue. There would be major repercussions if he acted like this.

OP this is not normal, in fact, it is bizarre.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 11/12/2023 10:20

It is truly mind-blowing the utter shit that women will tolerate just to be seen to be "in a relationship".

Lolapusht · 11/12/2023 10:28

He’s sabotaging. You were clearly having a good time so you’re being punished.

It’s a form of control.

Think about how you feel right now and what your next move will be.

Do you feel confused and unsure about what you’ve done wrong? Are you going to ask him what you’ve done wrong and in the course of that (if he can get past his strop long enough to answer), will he bring up things from the past? Will he get angry and aggressive or choose the woe is me/how can you make me feel so bad option? If he does anger, are you going to agree you are in the wrong to calm him down? If he chooses the latter, will you end up reassuring him and making him feel better?

Either option means you will change your behaviour in order to appease him.

He is controlling what happens.

He didn’t forget he had the gate fob, he just preferred to get you out of bed to open it for him.

ManateeFair · 11/12/2023 10:35

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much

The fact that you say 'usually...' makes me wonder if there have been other, smaller incidents with him.

Is this totally out of character for him? Or is it a escalation of similar but less extreme shitty behaviour you've had from him in the past?

Also, is there any chance he'd taken drugs at the party? Cocaine, for example?

Either way, he's behaved appallingly and I can absolutely see why you're incredibly disturbed by this incident. It's horrible.