Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

[cannonlc]

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

Ok well OP. We've all agreed that this is an emotionally abusive situation. Here's your options:-

1. stay, dress modestly, don't drink and avoid chatting to men at parties as the rest of the relationship appears to be worth it to you?
2. realise what it is and withdraw
3. talk it out and IF he agrees he overstepped, renegotiate how you as a couple will manage these situations going forward

As it was a private party, when he left everyone would have been confused as to why he was departing without you as well as there being loud goodbyes which you would have noticed.

Therefore,, I think he just snuck out with whoever gave him a lift.

That person doesn't sound like a friend to you else they would have helped him look for you or dissuaded him from flouncing off.

Could it be that person is the shit stirrer who has manipulated things to wind your husband up?

Have my umpteenth LTB.

Honestly, there are happy single women without these jealous, abusive, weak, downright horrible men.

Please don't stay and show your children another dysfunctional relationship. If you won't leave for you, leave for them.

@cannonlc

you need to play him at his own game,

Mention about him leaving you at the party stranded like that,

You had no means to get home or the house 🔑 keys safely,
even though you with friends,
cause everyone had enjoyed themselves and had a drinks...

like another poster i really wish i had known about Mumsnet years ago ect.

the issue is with him is just can't cope you enjoying yourself being confident and you weren't giving him the attention that he craves constantly as a needy pathetic man child ect..
he kicks up a big stink to create drama so the attention again on him, so the cycle continues...

You can do so much better for yourself @cannonlc than this one,
Life is just simply far too precious and short to waste 🗑 it on such a low grade man wants and needs such as this god awful one you have got...

@

Yup, as everyone else is saying - you said yourself that usually you'd just let it go for a quiet life so this is just one in a long line of similar incidents. Ultimately, he doesn't like it if you have fun. So you need to be punished for having fun. For not prioritising him at all times. And this is him punishing you. And from the sounds of things, it's something he does all the time and this is not new, it's just that this time he's gone so far that you're actually questioning it.

And agree - think about this logically. You were the HOSTS of the party and he just left!? How bloody rude is that? To you AND to your guests.

Or maybe the poster or others like her, Is picking up on this incident because it is the last straw in a long line of straws that has finally broken the donkeys back. But this straw is so audacious she can’t brush it away like she has with the others.
OP. This is a wake up call and the scales are falling from your eyes. Some things stand out:
He forgets he has his fob when he goes out. He doesn’t forget. He likes to inconvenience you.
This stands out. He locked you out. No man who cared for his wife would do that. a cunt would and this one did.
You had to rely on the hospitality of others for a lift home and somewhere to sleep. Only a cunt does that to his wife.
You sweep things under the carpet for a peaceful life. From this I take it he’s a cunt in other ways too.

He’s acting like you shagged his best mate in front of the Town Hall.

He sounds jealous. Look carefully at your relationship and his behaviours. Where was his care for you when you couldn’t get home?

You did nothing wrong.

Stop blaming yourself for his awful behaviour.

If this was a joint party he should have stayed with you until the guests left.

If he had a bone to pick he should have done it at home, afterwards, sensibly.
Not locking you out of your home.

This is abuse and you should try to see it for that and consider ending your relationship .

OP does he always try to blame you for something that hasn't gone to his liking?

Does he ever take responsibility for his behaviour?

Somehow I doubt it.

@Mikimoto Maybe they were but wouldn’t any reasonable person speak to their partner and say “come on, time to go” at least once rather than storm off in a huff? Leaving your partner stranded is never a reasonable action.

Thos is a really upsetting post. I am so sorry that you have experienced this. Your DH is so abusive and you do not deserve that. Can you enlist the support of other people? It sounds as though you are starting to wake up and he isn’t going to like that at all.

I dont think he went home alone and then felt guilty and is projecting.

Thanks for all the replies as PP said I'm on a different time zone and tried to get some sleep - I didn't really I've been stewing. I'm am furious and going through what I'm going to say and do when I finally get home. I stayed with friends but still need to get home somehow. Have messaged lots of friends this morning who are also WTF
To answer some questions / we have more than one fob but we were going out together and only took one with us! They're also massive so not that great to carry around etc- anyway kind of irrelevant- when I go home I take my fob and make sure he has the other one (the "spare" whatever)

The party was a daytime thing and people had trickled out by then leaving just a handful of us. Tiny bar - no way he couldn't find me I was standing at the bar about 50 feet from the table we'd been at previously. He didn't try and find me and fail he said he did but that's absolutely ridiculous considering where we were

I agree this is abusive - yes it's a bit of a pattern but this is definitely far beyond anything else that's ever happened. I'm seriously considering my options as I lay here this morning

I appreciate hearing that I'm not crazy and this is not normal behaviour and how fucking dare he do that to me

This is a reply I would take note of OP, it really evidences well some patterns of coercive control, emotional abuse which it’s really hard to stand back from and consider holistically when you’re snap bang amidst it. Like @toastfiend i also immediately recognized the ‘photos and phone calls’ lie and it chilled me a bit.

Having been here myself, and in the absence of anything which would markedly change this reading (eg you not disclosing a secret coke fiend habit), this can only be considered abusive behaviour and you shouldn’t have to tolerate it. I hope you get the support you need to communicate this to your partner and ensure the behaviour stops, or to leave him behind if the damage has accumulated too much at this point.

@toastfiend just wanted to say I’m glad you are in a much happier place now

He sounds like he's very manipulative and controlling - interested to hear his 'excuses'

I think it sounds like you were both drunk, and while you are a happy sociable drunk, he is an angry, mean drunk.
It's ok to have a few if your kids are being cared for somewhere else, it has a mellow effect on you and everyone is having a good time. But it sounds like he can't really drink like that. He could well believe all this nonsense he is saying (which is controlling and abusive, yes) because he has booze paranoia.

I'm honestly absolutely dreading seeing him when I finally manage to find a way to get home
I am angry and I KNOW I'm in the right here but I also KNOW that he's going to be saying this that and the other as if it justifies what he did even if I had done anything . I feel like I can't cope with going round in circles arguing when he should be fucking bended knee apologizing and begging for my forgiveness

I don't get it anyway - it was for your birthdays and guests were still there. Why did he expect you to leave them? Why did he?

I hope you get some form of answer when he's sobered up, though it's not looking hopeful.

This reminds of the time I was dumped by a bloke I was really into by 'you know what you've done.' And he refused to engage with me any more, so I never did know what it was that I was supposed to have done.

He went back to his ex who I suspect he was actually shagging all along.

Anyway, it's a form of reversal to make himself feel justified in being an arsehole to you, for some reason. I don't know the reason though obvs.

These friends you were talking to at the bar, did one of them happen to be a man by any chance? A man that he thinks you fancy perhaps? That's the only thing I can think of that would make him throw a wobbly like this.

Oh please. Why do some people always look for a way to blame the woman.

You don't necessarily have to argue, OP. There are other ways you could manage his behaviour, but I suppose you need to decide what outcome you desire.

If you ultimately want to stay with him and move past this, you may have to make a statement about your absolutely having done nothing wrong, and then leave it at an impasse (if he 'allows' that) and refuse to go back and forth arguing.

Perhaps you might choose to state that you are waiting for your apology, and if one is not forthcoming, you will begin steps to end the marriage (but you would have to mean it incase he decides to call your bluff).

Neither way looks like much fun. You already know he is not going to admit/accept what he's done, because it is admitting who he really is.

Maybe another way is to go and stay with family/friends until you work out what you want your future to look like?

Good luck OP.

Instead of using your anger having a pointless argument that'll get you nowhere and probably leave you more frustrated, direct that energy towards thinking about what you want to happen and how to achieve this. His behaviour was appalling - why are you with him?

he thinks you were completely wasted doing things he disapproved of or was embarrassed about, u were speaking to people u shouldn't have been in his opinion and the fact that u were so drunk he goes and leaves you with no way to get home and no idea where u may end up?
does he read the news?
does he know the danger of rape and murder to women walking the streets from predator men?
does he give a shit?
clearly not Op, he left you to it needlessly.
get rid of him asap, what a complete asshole.
i'm glad you had somewhere safe to go.
take that fob off him permanently. dickhead.

and even if they were this warrants going and leaving her in the dark to walk the streets? nice.