Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

[cannonlc]

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

I would 100% end a relationship over this. Absolute red flag that abusive behaviour will escalate in the future.

Exactly. In fact all the more reason to check she was OK.

I'd take some time out OP and perhaps not rush home.

I really wish MN had been around when I was married. I recognise so much of his behaviour here and the red flags

Me too this is copybook behaviour of my ex husband. And yes he had a serious drink problem too 🙄

This behaviour is called Gaslighting.

I had an ex that would say I was out of control drunk on nights out and punish me for it for days after.

One night, I decided to stick to the J20's for a change and low and behold the next morning I got the same treatment, saying I started arguments with people, made a fool of myself, flirted with other men, was rude blah blah blah
....it was then I knew, he was a narcissistic pig and I ended the relationship for good.
I believed his lies, thought I was going crazy, thought I was getting blackout drunk coz I couldn't remember the story's he was telling me... turns out my memory was just fine, I just couldn't remember what didn't occur.
I'd apologise to friends for my behaviour and they'd be confused, say what you talking about you was merry & happy not nasty ... that's when I decided to test him, me and my friends got my drinks for the night, not him (which was easy, coz he was do tight lol)

Anyway, ge sounds like a narcissist, maybe he's overt maybe covert, either way, run!! It font get better, it's all about control ..they get kicks out of your suffering.

Look up narcissistic behavior, see if you can see some similaritys .... might just be a light bulb moment 💡

Sorry, but perhaps I didn't explain myself very well and you've got completely the wrong end of the stick.

The OP could have been talking to anybody she likes, completely innocently, but as we all know, some blokes are horribly jealous types and will assume the worst of any woman. That's what I meant. I wasn't excusing his behaviour at all - quite the opposite in fact. I had a ex who would hit the roof if I so much as stood within a couple of yards of a man at a bus stop.

Hope that clears that up.

That does, furtive, sorry if I misunderstood.

OP forget event mentioning “even if you did do anything” that lest him think there is an in toe break you .
Go in confident and strong and say NO this is YOU

@tachycardigan 🙂

Your first thought was mine too....

So in my experience with my EXH, he'll yell and tell you how bad you made him feel, how you ignored him and made him feel worthless and unloved. You'll be asking but what did I do etc etc. You'll end up in tears of frustration at which point he'll change tactics and apologise and love bomb you and be an absolute angel for the day/days. You'll be so relieved that the offensive has stopped that you'll accept his apologies.

Do try not to cry. Walk away if he doesn't explain himself properly.

This behaviour is bloody exhausting!

I dont think he's worth the argument. He left you, locked you out and doesn't appear to have given a shit about you getting home safely.

You could have the blow up argument, hear his twisted reasoning and get the begrudged apologies and pathetic promises of doing better or you could decide not to waste anymore of your time reasoning with or trying to understand someone who left without a second thought for you.

Get a friend to take you home. If your husband still won't let you in then I'd call the police and say your husband has locked you out of your own home. Hopefully a police visit will convince him that he's being an absolute fuckwit. Although having said that with some types of abusive men this kind of behaviour just escalates no matter what intervention happens.

Oh my days he sounds utterly vile. Controlling, jealous, gaslighting, and manipulative. Don't stay with this man @cannonlc He will ruin your life. He is already trying to!

He locked you out. He's shown no care or concern to where you are or if you're safe.

If you let this go he will push further next time. They always escalate.

I wouldn't give him the row. I'd tell him quietly that he's stepped over a line this time and you'll be considering your options.

@Almondmum

......he simply doesn't like or want to see you happy, confident, and having fun. He wants you on the back foot, confused, insecure, second guessing yourself. It's easier to control you like that I assume.

100% this. ^

And my theory for his behaviour is that he was really drunk, decided he wanted to go home and went. Then, instead of accepting that he behaved badly, is covering up for himself with the other rot.

Whether that is abusive or not, I don't know, but people who can't take responsability for their mistakes are an absolute disaster

I recommend that you leave this relationship as soon as possible.
I understand that this takes time so in the meantime find a lawyer who specialises in abuse.
Keep your fob on you and most importantly KEEP SAFE 🌺

What Coyoacan said.

What a shit, locking you out!

And the other stuff, but that is the worst!

I wouldn’t engage.
Just say we both know you’re making all of this up and I have friends who will back my version of events so either tell me what the real problem is or shut up.

I think he was punishing you for having a good time and he was jealous the spotlight was on you not him
I can't imagine he even looked for you or even cared how you'd get home
He knew he had the only key but to lock you out is incredibly cruel
As you say you usually sweep things under the carpet( not making a fuss) says he is a nasty bully and he is escalating.
I'm sorry to say this but I don't think you should give him the opportunity to do it again

Why do you need to engage with him? It sounds like whatever you say is going to be turned around and thrown in your face. So why expose yourself to that? You don’t need to justify yourself to him. He’s the one in the wrong, and he’s never going to admit it. Don’t waste your time talking about it.

It looks like he’s deliberately ruined your event and if this isn’t the first time and there’s no apology then it’s time to LTB.

Behavior is a language. He doesn't respect you, which means he doesn't love you. I would reassess the whole relationship.

He's punishing you for having fun. But now he looks the fool. Don't show him that you will accept that type of treatment.