Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

[cannonlc]

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

OP, the best advise I can give you is stop asking him what you did wrong. Because that is what he wants, playing tricks in your mind and training you to be his mind reader all time there "yes, my lord" gaslighting bullshit.

That shit always ends with one person self confidence destroyed.

Don't play his game. Get the high ground and do what is best for you.

"I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?"

Personally, I would absolutely insist on one of the two, esp. as he claims there are photos of your wrongdoings. And if you don't get either, and as this is not an isolated incident of twattishness, I'd be rethinking the marriage, quite honestly.

I agree with others that this is extremely abusive behaviour and likely triggered by jealousy. My ex was always telling me about things people had told him I’d done. Typical gaslighting!! Note mine is also an ex…what else is your husband going to be capable of x

Is there any chance that you were at the loo/outside having a cigarette when he looked for you? Not that there is any excuse for not asking around your other guests and just leaving. Even if the non-drinking friend wanted to leave, again no reason to abandon you - in fact I would be calling the person who was supposed to be giving you both a lift to get their version of how your DH explained your absence.

...in fact I would be calling the person who was supposed to be giving you both a lift to get their version of how your DH explained your absence.
Good idea.

I hope he has grovelled now. It sounds like he is looking for an excuse to fall out with you.

Don't ask him what you did 'wrong'. That just feeds into his narrative of you being the person that caused his tantrum.

You didn't cause his anger and you can't control it. He won't or can't take responsibility for his own poor behaviour. I hope the options you're considering involve getting well away from him.

@cannonlc what id take from this is how he behaved afterwards which sounds like bullying. Regardless of how you behaved, he seems like he wanted to bully you/make you pay, none of which you should be ok with in a relationship. My ex was like this in the sense id pay when i got home whereas he was all smiles in front of others. A decent man wouldnt do this to you.

OP, if you read no other replies on this thread, read this one.

Sorry but this sounds like a super toxic relationship. Do you want the rest of your one & only life to be this way?

Just ignore him, don't give him the drama he craves. What ages are you? Do you work?

You don’t have to argue. You can just say to him you’re lying about everything. It’s obvious to me and all our friends that you don’t like me having fun and so you try and spoil it. I won’t do this anymore, I think we are done.

I’m hoping that it’s all a big misunderstanding blown out of the water by booze, crossed wires etc.

but if it isn’t: yes, this is abusive! Stay strong 💐

He sounds really awful, controlling and very manipulative, I’m very sorry he’s done this to you and ruined what should’ve been a very happy occasion with good friends.

He sounds horrendous OP, abusive at worse and immature at best. Either way you are best out of there. Agree with others to not keep asking what you did wrong.

He sounds horrendous OP, abusive at worse and immature at best. Either way you are best out of there. Agree with others to not keep asking what you did wrong.

Having been through similar gaslighting with previous relationships OP, you should get out now. It’s crazy making & has the effect of you questioning yourself when you’ve done nothing wrong. I felt like I was going mad being forced to apologise for non existent incidents.
I hope you’re ok & also that you’ll be back for an update. You don’t need this shit.

Don't engage with excuses/blame he tries to lay on you this time.

He left you stranded and and then locked out.
He shouldn't have left until he found you.
He shouldn't have refused to let you into your own home.

It doesn't matter what he 'thought' you did. His actions were wrong and you deserve an apology.

"Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can"

Hold that thought, because you really must not brush this under the carpet, and you must not let him backtrack and downplay it either.

"Usually". So - he has form, if you can invoke the word 'usually' about this scenario. He's done this, or shit like this, often enough that you have a 'usual' response. There's a phrase I first read on here, which goes "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got" - and that's where you are now. So, do you do what you've always done ("brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life") and get what you've always got (an un-peaceful life as he feels empowered to pull this shit on you again), or - do you take the bull by the horns and say 'NO MORE'?

Would I be right in thinking that he is escalating his behaviour? It's implied by "but this one is too much", but it would also be in keeping with how abusive behaviour works - start small, push it gradually until total control over the abused person is gained. Sometimes referred to as 'boiling a frog' (put a frog in boiling water it will instantly jump out, put it in cold and gradually heat and it won't - even as it dies.

This time, he has pushed it to the max. Not just the locking you out, not just the accusations - what he has done that makes this dangerous to you is that HE HAS DONE IT IN PUBLIC. He's not just boiling you, he's boiling all your friends. All of those at the party will be aware at some level, and what he is trying to do is to isolate you from them, because by and large 'don't get involved!' instinctively kicks in with a lot of people. Which means there might be nobody in your circle of joint friends who will take your part next time he kicks off - which will undoubtedly be a further escalation. This incident will have left them feeling uncomfortable, and uncomfortable people tend to look away.

It's shit, but it still happens.

SO don't let him boil you into that scenario. Put a stop to it NOW. Say 'NO MORE' and mean it.

Bit fed up because you were having a nice time was he? Felt like you were getting too much attention? What a nasty little man. Sorry that you had your day spoiled op. Not sure what you do about it as old ego at home probably won't respond well to any method of trying sorry this out-as he'd have to accept that he was wrong and with people such as this that never seems to happen.

Perhaps a mutual friend could mediate? He is clearly being ridiculous and maybe having to look at his behavior through a disinterested party's eyes could bring him a dose of reality

He wants out but is making you out to be the villain of the piece.

Classic abuse and gaslighting.

Don't buckle. It never gets better. It improves for a while but fundamentally, it's over.

He's a narcissist. And has gaslighted you, and is ghosting you. Get out while you can, he's not going to change and things won't get better

He sounds abusive and controlling. Please don’t stay with him. You are worth more.

OP if you think you can continue to brush this under the carpet for the rest of your life… then that’s your business

but FGS imagine the toxic environment your children will be growing up in? They will think this is how a marriage should be

So if you can’t do it for YOU, do it for THEM