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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

423 replies

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 21:44

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

OP posts:
SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 06/12/2023 23:11

Oh just don't. You are 24 with your life ahead of you. Don't saddle yourself.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 06/12/2023 23:15

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 23:03

How did your family and friends take this? If it goes there I am nervous to tell them.

When I was 21 my 40 year old manager declared feelings, you know what I thought what an absolute deluded egoist to think he even had a chance

this op.

report him to HR and dont give him another thought.

MsRosley · 06/12/2023 23:17

This is the kind of situation that will rebound on you in many ways, Grace. It's one of those times when your head, not your heart, should call the shots - or you will end up really regretting it.

Pallisers · 06/12/2023 23:20

OnAir · 06/12/2023 22:09

Wonder what the responses would be if it were roles reversed. A bunch of men telling another man that the woman has far too much baggage. 🤔

If it was my 24 year old son proposing to get into a relationship with a 38 year old woman with 3 children, I would feel exactly the same.

These two (whether it is a 38 year old male or female) are at radically different stages of their lives. The OP should not get involved.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/12/2023 23:23

Honestly, I would run as fast as I could away from this.

I'm sure he's a very nice man, but he is a completely different stage in his life to you. You really really really don't want to get involved with someone so much older and who has done all those firsts with someone else.

PinkyPork · 06/12/2023 23:24

I know this sounds like an echo chamber but run. You have your whole life ahead of you! My sister got involved with a much older man (she was 19 and he was 31). Our dad took it very hard but we accepted him. Turns out he was an awful husband and person and they are now divorced (over15 years later). An older man who wants to be with a much younger woman usually can't get someone their own age so they go for someone more naive.

eiiyyo · 06/12/2023 23:24

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 23:03

How did your family and friends take this? If it goes there I am nervous to tell them.

Your friends and family are going to be horrified - they will think you have lost your mind and he is a creep. (I admit I live in a very sheltered MC life and didn't finish Uni until I was 23 - long degree!)

Honestly do you really not see this? Or do you come from a background where this is more acceptable?

aroundtheworld247 · 06/12/2023 23:27

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 23:03

How did your family and friends take this? If it goes there I am nervous to tell them.

For me my friends and family were supportive although I suspect that my friends were weirded out by the age gap and thought it would be a short term relationship but they were there for me.

Like the other posters have said step parenting is difficult especially if they are young, although I have some wonderful memories of when they were little your life does end up revolving around the children so having friends and family onboard is a necessity to be there for you if it does get tough

Albarinoqueen · 06/12/2023 23:41

I was 22 when I met my (34) year old husband ( he had 2 very young children) . Fast forward nearly 40 years and 3 kids later we have had the best life - ok maybe not the norm but wouldn’t change a thing !!

squeekychicken · 06/12/2023 23:44

No way. You're young, he's much older. He's kids and an ex. Why would you want this drama in your life?

Grendell · 06/12/2023 23:56

No! You will get slotted into the fuckable nanny housekeeper role.

Howmuchtohireahitman · 07/12/2023 00:10

It's not really just the age thing, it's the burden of having someone else's ex and kids in your life. Often dictating when you can do things, where you can live, as well as your finances. Even if he was 24 with 3 kids it's still a tremendous amount of baggage.

On top of that he's much older. I was married to a man 8 years older, no kids involved. He was very controlling and wouldn't let me experience anything for myself. Always "been there, done that, not worth it" " take it from someone more experienced" "I'm too old for all that now" bla bla bla. He didn't like it when I became more sure of my self and stood up to him.

Of course there will be the odd story where this scenario has worked out well for someone but I'd say that was pretty rare.

QS90 · 07/12/2023 00:11

OnAir · 06/12/2023 22:09

Wonder what the responses would be if it were roles reversed. A bunch of men telling another man that the woman has far too much baggage. 🤔

They would definitely be saying too much baggage!!

CandyLeBonBon · 07/12/2023 00:13

Honestly op? I'd give it a wide berth. I was in your situation a very long time ago and I did indeed end up as the fuckable nanny.

KingsleyBorder · 07/12/2023 00:18

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 23:03

How did your family and friends take this? If it goes there I am nervous to tell them.

All those responses saying “run a mile” and this is the only post you add? You won’t be told, will you?

This is not about your family and friends, this is about YOU. Don’t end up in some “him and me against the world” situation when your family and friends inevitably say the same as everyone else on this thread.

Toseland · 07/12/2023 00:19

Run!

EveSix · 07/12/2023 00:19

Oh boy. No real, decent man of 38 should want to burden a young woman of 24, her own wondrous life unfolding before her, with his baggage. If he really cares about your happiness and the growing of your potential, he should gently back-pedal this situation and give you the gift of an unwritten page, a fresh start.

LBFseBrom · 07/12/2023 00:38

Don't get involved with a man who has young children. There are enough stories on Mumsnet from posters who are step-parents for anyone to see it is not a good idea. He is right to be asking you if you are comfortable with his situation, he obviously knows how difficult it is. I wouldn't worry about the age difference as long as you took it slowly but the kids - no.

KnitFastDieWarm · 07/12/2023 00:43

My partner is also an 38 year old divorced parent and would see a 24 year old as almost a child, not as a viable potential partner. I’d be very skeptical of his motives if I were you. While there are exceptions, most emotionally mature and non-predatory men in their late 30s would consider 30+ as an absolute minimum age when it comes to dating. I know because I was once a 25 year old dating a 40 year old. Let’s just say, he did not have my best interests at heart🤔

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2023 00:46

Fucking hell, please please PLEASE don't throw away your youth and life on this man. He is looking for a built-in nanny, cook and maid to care for his kids. There are loads of men out there without this baggage.

Ffsnotaconference · 07/12/2023 01:04

aroundtheworld247 · 06/12/2023 22:56

I met my husband when I was 24 and he was 38 also divorced with 3 children, we have now been together 12 years happily married with two beautiful children of our own.

The age gap is noticeable at times but we love each other, when you love someone and you are compatible it works out

Amazing. Brand new poster or name changer post how they were in the exact situation and its great.

What are the odds!

Nonplusultra · 07/12/2023 01:05

I’d be very unimpressed with any father who wanted to bring his new gf into his dc’s lives when he’s only “recently” divorced. He sounds insecure about your commitment which should make him extra cautious about introducing his dc to you. They’ve already had a huge and traumatic upheaval.

Of course there are lots of selfish men, who scout for a naive (and this usually means significantly younger) woman, to be their fuckable housekeeper and nanny without passing a thought about the best interests of the dc or the new gf.

If you’re not sure whether you’re naive, the clue is if you’re thinking that the posters on this thread are bitter, cynical and unkind!

Opentooffers · 07/12/2023 01:09

Ah, you see, he's already worried about what your family would think, because he knows its all sorts of wrong. He also probably wouldn't want one of his DC's in future to get mixed up in this. If you have got entwined already, he's already shown that though he knows it's weird, he'll do it anyway- not a nice or respectful quality really.
So in a nutshell, stop responding to his advances or sniffing around him. As a parent, I'd not be impressed with him either, neither should yours be.

OutOfSyncWithReality · 07/12/2023 01:12

I'm just wondering - would the difference in age matter if there were no kids and an ex in the picture?

Opentooffers · 07/12/2023 01:14

In case it's not clear. I'd take issue with him if you were my DD, that's before his DC's get involved. He's most likely on the rebound though so would be mad to involve him DC's. Do you want to be his rebound girl?