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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

423 replies

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 21:44

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 07/12/2023 13:35

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 13:23

I'm guessing you're the older of the two of you?

Show quote history

You can bet the house on it.

HashBrownandBeans · 07/12/2023 13:41

I've been a stepmum for YEARS, in multiple long term relationships and trust me, it sucks. I love my stepkids and have nurtured them all through some serious trauma, at the detriment of my own kids at times. 100% do not recommend

HoppingPavlova · 07/12/2023 13:43

@Boslembob What the hell does it matter what anybody else thinks? It’s your life, live it how you want. Your combined happiness is what matters. My wife and I have a significant age difference and all of the people that are important to us recognise that we are happy and accept it for what it is

The age difference is not the issue, it’s the recent divorce and 3 (likely) young kids. Did you start a relationship your wife as a divorcee with 3 young kids @Boslembob? If not, your story is pretty irrelevant.

Diaria · 07/12/2023 13:46

Op I’ve replied before but I really really hope you are heeding the advice everyone is giving you.

The reason this man is asking you repeatedly if you are ok with his situation is because he knows how exhausting being a parent is, and he knows how financially demanding children are, and he knows he will not be able to offer you the same time, space, finance, opportunity and happiness on account of his already having a family to care for. They will always have to come first.

The points people have made regarding you having to work your life around the ex and the children are very valid. Along with the financial implications. And the possibility that you may have to be his carer in later life.

He might be fun for a good shag.

But please consider your self worth and what you want out of life, you really deserve better than this.

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/12/2023 13:47

HoppingPavlova · 07/12/2023 13:43

@Boslembob What the hell does it matter what anybody else thinks? It’s your life, live it how you want. Your combined happiness is what matters. My wife and I have a significant age difference and all of the people that are important to us recognise that we are happy and accept it for what it is

The age difference is not the issue, it’s the recent divorce and 3 (likely) young kids. Did you start a relationship your wife as a divorcee with 3 young kids @Boslembob? If not, your story is pretty irrelevant.

What is relevant is that he doesn't see the kids as significant in any way.

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 13:48

@Boslembob

What the hell does it matter what anybody else thinks? It’s your life, live it how you want. Your combined happiness is what matters.

And not that of the kids involved?

Nice.

Ffsnotaconference · 07/12/2023 13:52

Moveoverdarlin · 07/12/2023 12:19

If you fancy him I’d go for it. All these people saying run and not to waste years of your life, Jesus, of course don’t waste years, but have some fun for a few months. I would never marry anyone who was divorced with three kids. Never! However I definitely saw a few before I settled down. I really enjoyed dating much older men when I was young.

But a bit of fun is clearly not what he is planning and he keeps checking she is ok, with the fact that he has kids.

If this was more FWB situation, I could see your point (if you also ignore that these situations inside work tend to negatively impacts women’s careers. Especially when it ends) But he wouldn’t be checking she is ok, with him divorced and having kids. She wouldn’t be having anything to do with the kids so it wouldn’t matter.

If op wants to have some fun I am sure there loads of people she could have fun with that she doesn’t work with, who don’t have to plan their schedule around their kids and their ex and who she could actually have fun with. Not a man approaching middle age who is already thinking about how it will work when she gets involved with the kids.

Linnyh · 07/12/2023 14:08

Hey so.... firstly there are a tonne of response on here that tell you to run. My answer wont tell you to run because otherwise I would have followed this advice. My answer is, do what is right but be very prepared!!! It is SO much harder than it looks on the surface, I am 5 years in and just about surviving the rollercoaster.

I was in an incredibly similar position. I was 29 (freshly divorced myself - no children) and my OH was divorced - amicably - 46 with two children. He was my boss.

Work - Now he is not my boss, we are joint directors in his own company and I am employed elsewhere. Whilst it was great working together as you get all this extra time - having something for you is really important.

His children and Ex - What others are saying is 100% right, you will look after his children, their lives will totally dominate yours and if like me you think - well they will be adults soon - this literally makes no difference! If you are serious about him, you have to put his children first, he will not appreciate feeling like he has to choose between you and his children and his ex will be wary of someone not prepared to do this. In my case this meant, decorating bedrooms for each of child which felt like giving up part of ''my home'' to a sudden busy teenage comings and goings, continuously changing plans at weekends to have them stay/feed them/drive them everywhere, dealing with teenage issues and family fall outs, always cooking. What I mean is your life will never be the same and as a young person this will be draining.

Leading on from this if your friends are around your age they will really struggle to understand and be there for you, you will be so busy all of a sudden with 3 ready made children you will struggle to hold onto these friendships.

Money - This is a tough one. You will end up spending money on his children, either out and about, paying for a house that is big enough for them to stay in. If you are serious about him then this is totally fine. In my case, my partner was paying 100% of the bills in his old house and I was paying 100% bills in my house. My ability to do this funded my partners ex and childrens life for about 4 years until they sold the family home. Don't get me wrong it tore me up and I was totally skint every month, but if I want to spend my life with a person and he has children they are part of my life and responsibility too. It might not be this extreme for you depending on financial circumstances but at some point you will be out of pocket for his children and you need to be ok with this.

His ex- This might sound really harsh, but you will feel like the 'other' women even though he is divorced. He has children, his ex has the children with him. They will spend alot of time communicating, you will not know what is going on all the time, you will be the last to know about plans and it will feel like she has some level of calling the shots in your life.

In my case, my partner had a friendly relationship - this is obviously great for everyone (apart from me!) because this meant dealing with them often doing things as a family which I found tricky. Birthday meals out, schools results treats, a graduation from uni. All while I sat on the sideline feeling like a third wheel. BUT again I love him and his children and it wasnt about my feelings in those moments it was about making sure their kids has the love of both parents and showed a family front.

Anyway. All I am saying is you have to do what is right for you. But this will NOT be easy and it will make you feel a little out of control of your own life by entering someone else's family. You will have to be so grown up all the time, you will be jointly responsible for someone else's children and that terrifying. Good luck! I wish you all the best and you deserve to be happy xxx

TheaBrandt · 07/12/2023 14:53

Maybe I was too picky but at 24 I would decline dates if I didn’t like their shoes or they had an annoying laugh. Aged 38 divorced and 3 kids wouldnt have even been a contender! Aren’t there any young men where you are?

TheaBrandt · 07/12/2023 14:55

I also declined if I didn’t like where they lived in case they wanted me to live there too. Amazed I got married at all thinking about it.

Wahtnow · 07/12/2023 15:00

TheaBrandt · 07/12/2023 14:55

I also declined if I didn’t like where they lived in case they wanted me to live there too. Amazed I got married at all thinking about it.

As you get older, you decline if they might need somewhere to live 😆

Sparthan · 07/12/2023 15:13

The age gap isn’t necessarily an issue but the 3 kids are. I wouldn’t take on a man with 3 kids and I’m in my 40s with kids of my own!

Kids are hugely expensive and frankly at your age I’d want my partner to have his money available to spend on us and on things we want to do together, not having to spend it on someone else’s kids. Do you realise that if you have your own kids together they will get a lot less because he’s still financing someone else’s kids? And your own kids will inherit a lot less because someone else’s kids have to receive a share? Honestly I would ditch him and find someone else who can dedicate 100% of his effort and income to your own kids.

IcedPurple · 07/12/2023 15:15

TheaBrandt · 07/12/2023 14:53

Maybe I was too picky but at 24 I would decline dates if I didn’t like their shoes or they had an annoying laugh. Aged 38 divorced and 3 kids wouldnt have even been a contender! Aren’t there any young men where you are?

Same. I wouldn't even have considered such a man when I was her age.

Why would someone so young take on a much older man's baggage?

GreyCarpet · 07/12/2023 16:33

Linnyh · 07/12/2023 14:08

Hey so.... firstly there are a tonne of response on here that tell you to run. My answer wont tell you to run because otherwise I would have followed this advice. My answer is, do what is right but be very prepared!!! It is SO much harder than it looks on the surface, I am 5 years in and just about surviving the rollercoaster.

I was in an incredibly similar position. I was 29 (freshly divorced myself - no children) and my OH was divorced - amicably - 46 with two children. He was my boss.

Work - Now he is not my boss, we are joint directors in his own company and I am employed elsewhere. Whilst it was great working together as you get all this extra time - having something for you is really important.

His children and Ex - What others are saying is 100% right, you will look after his children, their lives will totally dominate yours and if like me you think - well they will be adults soon - this literally makes no difference! If you are serious about him, you have to put his children first, he will not appreciate feeling like he has to choose between you and his children and his ex will be wary of someone not prepared to do this. In my case this meant, decorating bedrooms for each of child which felt like giving up part of ''my home'' to a sudden busy teenage comings and goings, continuously changing plans at weekends to have them stay/feed them/drive them everywhere, dealing with teenage issues and family fall outs, always cooking. What I mean is your life will never be the same and as a young person this will be draining.

Leading on from this if your friends are around your age they will really struggle to understand and be there for you, you will be so busy all of a sudden with 3 ready made children you will struggle to hold onto these friendships.

Money - This is a tough one. You will end up spending money on his children, either out and about, paying for a house that is big enough for them to stay in. If you are serious about him then this is totally fine. In my case, my partner was paying 100% of the bills in his old house and I was paying 100% bills in my house. My ability to do this funded my partners ex and childrens life for about 4 years until they sold the family home. Don't get me wrong it tore me up and I was totally skint every month, but if I want to spend my life with a person and he has children they are part of my life and responsibility too. It might not be this extreme for you depending on financial circumstances but at some point you will be out of pocket for his children and you need to be ok with this.

His ex- This might sound really harsh, but you will feel like the 'other' women even though he is divorced. He has children, his ex has the children with him. They will spend alot of time communicating, you will not know what is going on all the time, you will be the last to know about plans and it will feel like she has some level of calling the shots in your life.

In my case, my partner had a friendly relationship - this is obviously great for everyone (apart from me!) because this meant dealing with them often doing things as a family which I found tricky. Birthday meals out, schools results treats, a graduation from uni. All while I sat on the sideline feeling like a third wheel. BUT again I love him and his children and it wasnt about my feelings in those moments it was about making sure their kids has the love of both parents and showed a family front.

Anyway. All I am saying is you have to do what is right for you. But this will NOT be easy and it will make you feel a little out of control of your own life by entering someone else's family. You will have to be so grown up all the time, you will be jointly responsible for someone else's children and that terrifying. Good luck! I wish you all the best and you deserve to be happy xxx

Great Post!

Lampzade · 07/12/2023 17:39

Linnyh · 07/12/2023 14:08

Hey so.... firstly there are a tonne of response on here that tell you to run. My answer wont tell you to run because otherwise I would have followed this advice. My answer is, do what is right but be very prepared!!! It is SO much harder than it looks on the surface, I am 5 years in and just about surviving the rollercoaster.

I was in an incredibly similar position. I was 29 (freshly divorced myself - no children) and my OH was divorced - amicably - 46 with two children. He was my boss.

Work - Now he is not my boss, we are joint directors in his own company and I am employed elsewhere. Whilst it was great working together as you get all this extra time - having something for you is really important.

His children and Ex - What others are saying is 100% right, you will look after his children, their lives will totally dominate yours and if like me you think - well they will be adults soon - this literally makes no difference! If you are serious about him, you have to put his children first, he will not appreciate feeling like he has to choose between you and his children and his ex will be wary of someone not prepared to do this. In my case this meant, decorating bedrooms for each of child which felt like giving up part of ''my home'' to a sudden busy teenage comings and goings, continuously changing plans at weekends to have them stay/feed them/drive them everywhere, dealing with teenage issues and family fall outs, always cooking. What I mean is your life will never be the same and as a young person this will be draining.

Leading on from this if your friends are around your age they will really struggle to understand and be there for you, you will be so busy all of a sudden with 3 ready made children you will struggle to hold onto these friendships.

Money - This is a tough one. You will end up spending money on his children, either out and about, paying for a house that is big enough for them to stay in. If you are serious about him then this is totally fine. In my case, my partner was paying 100% of the bills in his old house and I was paying 100% bills in my house. My ability to do this funded my partners ex and childrens life for about 4 years until they sold the family home. Don't get me wrong it tore me up and I was totally skint every month, but if I want to spend my life with a person and he has children they are part of my life and responsibility too. It might not be this extreme for you depending on financial circumstances but at some point you will be out of pocket for his children and you need to be ok with this.

His ex- This might sound really harsh, but you will feel like the 'other' women even though he is divorced. He has children, his ex has the children with him. They will spend alot of time communicating, you will not know what is going on all the time, you will be the last to know about plans and it will feel like she has some level of calling the shots in your life.

In my case, my partner had a friendly relationship - this is obviously great for everyone (apart from me!) because this meant dealing with them often doing things as a family which I found tricky. Birthday meals out, schools results treats, a graduation from uni. All while I sat on the sideline feeling like a third wheel. BUT again I love him and his children and it wasnt about my feelings in those moments it was about making sure their kids has the love of both parents and showed a family front.

Anyway. All I am saying is you have to do what is right for you. But this will NOT be easy and it will make you feel a little out of control of your own life by entering someone else's family. You will have to be so grown up all the time, you will be jointly responsible for someone else's children and that terrifying. Good luck! I wish you all the best and you deserve to be happy xxx

Excellent post

EyeInTheSky23 · 07/12/2023 18:05

At 24 you can get men in their 20s and 30s who don't have three kids.

Three kids who'll have to be paid for alongside any kids you'd have with him.

That's a shit financial deal for you and your kids ....unless he's really rich.

You'll get to do all your firsts with someone too, not with a bloke who's done it all before.

Being a stepmother is often a shit show too.

You could be having fun with a man with no ties and responsibilities and then settling.

It's normal for younger men to not be set up yet. It will come for a young man who's getting a profession or skill etc. I got together with my partner when he was 24. He was a tradesman who rented a room off a mate and drove a shit car. Now he's a construction professional with 50 staff under him, the prestige car, the gold cards etc.
That's the time to get in.

You're really selling yourself short here.

MooCow73 · 07/12/2023 18:08

Honestly - Run! I met my ex partner when I was 24 and he was 38. We met at work and I was so naive and unaware of the differences between us as I was so in love with him....he had been married twice and I still couldn't see the red flags. We ended up together and had two children, never married thank goodness, however are now split up very acrimoniously. At your age you need to live your own life and there is so much for you to experience without taking on a man with an ex-wife and 3 children.
Honestly my family hated my ex (and rightly so) and I gave up loads for him friend wise, career wise, travel wise etc. The age gap may not be important to you now but as you age it does become more and more apparent and as for being a step mum to 3 children at 24 thats a massive undertaking and so stressful.
As OP's have said leave him for someone more his age who can deal with all the baggage. You really don't want to waste the best years of your life on a newly divorced man 14 years your senior, esp. with 3 children to add into the mix. Good luck whatever you decide x

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/12/2023 18:58

TheaBrandt · 07/12/2023 14:53

Maybe I was too picky but at 24 I would decline dates if I didn’t like their shoes or they had an annoying laugh. Aged 38 divorced and 3 kids wouldnt have even been a contender! Aren’t there any young men where you are?

Hell's teeth!

Are you me?

Didn't like the shape of their ears? - dump!

They hold a fork in an annoying manner? - dump!

Not prepared to talk to strange dogs in the street? - dump! (And get as far away as possible from this type!)

Pipsquiggle · 07/12/2023 18:59

@Grace1999 What are your thoughts on the comments on this thread?

The vast majority say run, a few outliers saying it could work

billy1966 · 07/12/2023 19:14

It says EVERYTHING about his character as a man, that he would pursue such a young woman, newly divorced with 3 young children.

His Ex will indeed love that the OP is so young.🙄

As for the office gossip🙄.....he will undoubtedly be viewed as an absolute sleaze and you the silly young one whom doesn't know any better.

Your parents deep disappointment at your spectacular naivety will likely be huge..... so be prepared.

Any decent parent would be devastated that their daughter would choose so poorly.

His circle of friends will unlikely to be welcoming or interested in getting to know you.

They will view you both as a bit of a joke.

You deserve so much better than this.

yhk · 07/12/2023 19:20

This man should be ashamed of himself.

Him pursuing you in the first place is perverse.

38 years old, freshly divorced, 3 kids and he's pursuing a 24 year old young woman.

Sleaze.

InefficientProcess · 07/12/2023 19:27

I agree that it reflects badly on him.

He’s nearly 40 and a father of 3. He shouldn’t be trying to date women in their early 20s.

@Grace1999 should run. He should be ashamed of himself.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/12/2023 19:35

I don't necessarily agree with the posters calling him a sleaze. It's possible to form a connection with someone of a different age, it sounds mutual from the limited info we've got AND he's constantly checking the situation is still OK with her. To me it sounds like he genuinely cares for her and is willing to give up someone who makes him happy to ensure she's OK.

@Grace1999 I personally wouldn't get in too deep here, and I do have a DH who is older than me, although no ex wives or step children to deal with. But if this is the life you want, your family will be ok when they see you happy. You just need to be sure it will make you happy and if there's any doubts, walk away.

porridgeisbae · 07/12/2023 20:39

He knows exactly how your parents would feel @Grace1999 , that's why he's saying the sort of things he's saying.

If a younger man ever was interested in me, I like to think I'd turn him down by saying 'your mum and dad would hate me.'