I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

[Grace1999]

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

It's possible to form a connection with someone of a different age,

Funny how these 'connections' always seem to be between older men and much younger women.

🤣 brilliant!!

My husband is 39 with one kid. Sorry to say it but if I were 23 and I met the 39 year old him now yes he's good looking and I think charismatic but sooooo serious. Late 30s with kids is all about the bins, water bills, going to the tip and jogging to stave off middle age spread. My early 20s was about hobbies, city breaks, music, travel, pub, coffee without kids, careers etc..

I guess expectations differ though. Or maybe we're boring now.

Not always. My friend divorced her husband in her 40s is 50s and married a 25 year old then they a kid.

Not always.

But almost always.

Don't be so stupid. Run for the hills! You are far too young to be tied to all this baggage

Get those trainers on and runnnnnnn. Do not do this to yourself.

OP will go ahead with this, and 2-3 years down the line will be knocked up with a young baby and crying to us at how hard being a step mum is and how she should’ve listed to the vipers, I lay good money on this!

You could also think about it this way - if he has three kids and you are 24, he presumably had the oldest one when you were in your late teens or younger.

Think about the fears about you "ruining your life" that your friends and family would have had for you if you had got pregnant then - you are going back and joining that life path, just a few years later so you have had a chance to go to university without childcare worries (which is a big thing, but the 'extra' 5 years free youth you got to have will rapidly fade compared to the length of the rest of your life). Plus, this way you'll have to deal with the constant input of/liaising around an ex-wife, and you haven't even had the chance to get a baby of your own out of it.

And miraculously at the age 25 her brain will mature, despite having been treated like a small child for all the years before. Mumsnet biology.

Ah all these people who didn't mature between 20 and 50.

No changes at all.

The basic fact is that many of us would make different decisions and evaluate things differently at different points over those eg 30 years.

Age and maturity are linked, end of.

There is simply no equivalent for life experience.

There is simply no equivalent for life experience.

@EyeInTheSky23 Maybe, but we can try and warn people so they don't have to go through what we've been through.

And some people are naturals when it comes to avoiding some forms of difficult relationships.

A lot of 24 year old women would be very mature, but what'd make me want more for my daughter would be the step children. His responsibility to them will go on and their important exams might overlap with her having a baby, her first, his fourth. It's not ideal.

@Grace1999 Have you made a decision?

I'm just half way through some of these comments and I'm thrown by them... Unfortunately I'm the ex partner of man who left me after a lifetime together and we have 2 small children we are both 38
My ex immediately started seeing a 24 yr old weeks after leaving.
The new partner doesn't have the life that's being expressed on here that yous say op may experience.
My ex has our kids a specific day every week just for a few hours and then every other weekend. So they very much have a free and fun lifestyle without the "baggage" of our two kids involved. And in a matter of fact she seems quite happy to play happy families with my ex and our kids. So I see this from a very different view compared to others. I was the partner left behind for the younger woman and see a much different side. There was however a surprise pregnancy involved for them a handful of weeks after he left me so they have lovely wee life together of having my two now and again but the bonding time with their own baby as well and regardless of the 14 year age gap, it seems to be working just fine. He's reliving his 20s with a younger woman and enjoying free time whilst still seeing our kids and having the family time with her and them. The younger girlfriend has not been dragged down by my children at all or become a step mum with all these duties of caring for our small children. She's still very much living her carefree 20 something yr old life. Unless the op partner has his kids 24/7 her life really isn't going to change in any bad way, she just has the niceness of seeing his children every now and again, other than that they have free time to create their new relationship without any burdens just as I see my ex and his new gf doing it... Its me carrying the emotional trauma and baggage unfortunately of everything.

I know op hasn’t been back for ages and I know I’m saying the same as the majority of posters but I’m worried you’re my work colleague! She’s 23 to be fair and there’s only two kids but same age gap. I hate seeing what it’s doing to her when she could be loving the life of a 23 year old instead she’s negotiating school runs and Christmas with the ex, doing all the wide work already, it’s so sad!!
I’m a step mum with a husband a similar age and we both had kids and I’d still say don’t do it. We’ve worked through a lot but I’di ended up single again now, I’d never date someone with children. Adult children yes, but then I’m 44, definitely not recommending you do that!!
my son is 23, I’d be devastated if this was him.

Definitely.

My point was aimed at posters who come on these threads every time and argue that an average 24 yr old somehow has the same judgement and maturity as, say an average 44 yr old; they're an adult and that's all that matters.

Mm, no.

If our early 20s DD was being "courted" by a nearly 40 yr old separated man with three kids, and she couldn't be reasoned with (as many young, inexperienced people can't) her Dad would ..... "gently persuade" (probably with a shotgun) him to look elsewhere.

There are many 24 year old women married, residing children, running businesses, owning homes, working in professions with responsibilities for people’s lives…

And there are many more who aren't.

The average age of first time motherhood, for example, in the UK is 31.

Also, it is unlikely in the extreme that early 20 somethings working in professions with responsibility for people's lives, are doing so without oversight and supervision by older, more experienced people.

Anyway, this isn't really about ops age, it's a out their relative ages and their relative circumstances.
Not sure why that's hard to grasp.

A nearly 40, divorcing Dad of 3 kids is not a good deal for an early 20s woman with no kids - end of.

(And her feeling like men her own age aren't a good deal because they're not "set up" yet ...... Is an example of exactly the lack of maturity and circumspection that might affect early 20 somethings - because she can't see that that's normal to some extent at that age, and that that will change as they get older, get established etc. This guy is almost 40, it's not comparing like with like).

Even if you are ready for full motherhood etc at 24, which many women are, for the love of God they should be your kids, with a life partner who can match you in energy and contribution. It's a world away from taking on some middle aged dude's responsibilities for him when you have none of your own.

I quite agree!

Sorry you are going through this. I think the fact your ex has redirected his priorities to the new partner as if he were a carefree 20 something indicates he is trash. If his kids are not his priority now, eventually the shiny is going to wear off the 24 year old and she will be left in the dust too. The pps on here are assuming that OPs prospective partner is not trash, and that he cares for his kids as an equal parent should. I promise that whatever fun it looks like your ex is having it is shallow and vapid and you, as the parent putting in the work, will reap the rewards of the deep investment in your kids in the long run. Your trash ex will find that running around as if you are 20 years old when you are nearly 40 does not end in deep satisfying outcomes. Stay strong.x

Unless the op partner has his kids 24/7 her life really isn't going to change in any bad way, she just has the niceness of seeing his children every now and again, other than that they have free time to create their new relationship without any burdens just as I see my ex and his new gf doing it... Its me carrying the emotional trauma and baggage unfortunately of everything.

I’m sorry you’re finding things difficult. But you are likely being very naive in your assumptions about what life might be like for your children’s stepmother.

It doesn’t sound like thinking in this way is very helpful for you. It’s easy to imagine it’s all easy and rosy from the outside, especially when you are struggling practically and emotionally (and have to pick up the pieces for your children). Have you got enough support?

Hi @Grace1999 - I was in a similar situation - in my 20s, man I was interested in 14 years older, with one child and 50/50 custody

Few things you need to consider

1. How old are the kids? are you prepared to work on your relationship with them, taking into consideration they may not be very willing participants?
2. Are you ok with spending significant amount of your time with these kids, especially if they are young?
3. Do you want any children / does he?
4. How long ago did his previous relationship break down?
5. What are his relations with his ex like?

These things will impact how well and if at all this relationship will work out

My ex has our kids a specific day every week just for a few hours and then every other weekend. So they very much have a free and fun lifestyle without the "baggage" of our two kids involved

Having someone else’s kids every other weekend can definitely feel like baggage. A whole Gatwick-worth of baggage at times

Unless the op partner has his kids 24/7 her life really isn't going to change in any bad way, she just has the niceness of seeing his children every now and again, other than that they have free time to create their new relationship without any burdens just as I see my ex and his new gf doing it.

I’m sorry but this is a very unrealistic view of stepparenting @lonelyuser00