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Original poster

I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

423 replies

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 21:44

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

OP posts:
CasaAmarela · 07/12/2023 09:07

titchy · 06/12/2023 21:47

Oh god you're way too young for this sort of baggage. Find someone else nearer your own age.

This. Don't do it - be free and enjoy your 20s without dealing with ex wives and step kids.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 07/12/2023 09:07

What does he mean by 'get involved'? If you are going to date him at all, and I wouldn't recommend it, I'd suggest you don't even meet his children let alone take on parenting responsibilities.

Baneofmyexistence · 07/12/2023 09:08

My husband is 38 with three kids and I would recommend running for the hills from him. Way too much baggage!

Goldbar31 · 07/12/2023 09:09

Definitely not

berksandbeyond · 07/12/2023 09:12

fuck that! Why would you want to be wife number 2 and your kids 4 and 5? (If he even wants more?) can he afford 4 or 5 kids? I’d run a mile, way too much baggage

OssieShowman · 07/12/2023 09:12

My daughter did this. Built in baby sitter, run around, pick up after school activities. When their own daughter came along, his 2 sons could do no wrong. Get out now, not in 10 years time.

TrashedSofa · 07/12/2023 09:13

For me, too much baggage. At 24 you can almost certainly do better.

mylittlemonsters25 · 07/12/2023 09:17

Op, this was me 17 years ago I was 22 and he was 34. Also divorced with 3 kids. We are still together today, married 10 years and have 2 kids. It might not work out it most cases but it did for me

ChocolateYuleLog · 07/12/2023 09:20

Out of interest, reversing the roles here...

would we still say the same about an older man taking on a divorced younger woman with 3 children?

I have a male former colleague who did that. They were 48 and the woman was 33.

Still together after 30 years.

MrsTwatInAHat · 07/12/2023 09:20

To be fair to OP she’s had the sense to come and ask MN for advice, and it’s the right place to ask! We include plenty of older women who have seen this time and again (or even been there). Good for her, and I hope the advice helps and she avoids getting sucked into this situation.

InefficientProcess · 07/12/2023 09:22

The kids definitely will be an issue. The shift from being a single young woman to living your life around babysitting, school runs and such like is enormous.

I suspect people worry they’ll sound mean and anti-children if they don’t pretend that 3 children are not a huge deal. But they absolutely WILL be an issue.

diggermama · 07/12/2023 09:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

biostudent · 07/12/2023 09:23

I became a step mum at 21 and that little girl is the best thing to ever have happened to me. However, there is a 2 year 9 month age gap between my partner and I. The kids I don't think would be the issue here, I think the age gap is probably a bit much. Plus 24 is still really young, my early twenties was definitely not spent the way I had envisaged, but that said I love my step daughter like she was my own. In your situation, I think it's the age gap that may be questionable.

TinkerTiger · 07/12/2023 09:24

OnAir · 06/12/2023 22:09

Wonder what the responses would be if it were roles reversed. A bunch of men telling another man that the woman has far too much baggage. 🤔

if I were a man I’d avoid that even more, as the kids would be likely to live with their mum for the majority of the time. 3 kids is a lot 💁🏽‍♀️

rbe78 · 07/12/2023 09:26

mylittlemonsters25 · 07/12/2023 09:17

Op, this was me 17 years ago I was 22 and he was 34. Also divorced with 3 kids. We are still together today, married 10 years and have 2 kids. It might not work out it most cases but it did for me

Same here, 12 years ago - me 24, him 37, divorced, two kids. We've been married eight years, have a loving, supportive and adventurous life together, I have a lovely and fulfilling relationship with his two (now late teens) children.

@Grace1999 Trust your own feelings over a bunch of strangers on the internet who are judging your life and the those of several others on the basis of a few sentences. If this new relationship feels exciting, intruiging, safe, happy - give it a go just as you would any other. Equally, if the feelings of trepidation about him having kids etc. are overwhelming the good feelings, it's probably not the right relationship for you.

SantasPronounsAreHeAndHim · 07/12/2023 09:27

At 24 your whole life is ahead of you. He is nearly a middle age man with 3 DC.
At your age I was travelling loads, having fun, and had loads ahead of me.
Find someone your own age, to have fun with, and to have everything you want, and not have all his excess baggage to deal with.

He is 14 years older than you and he will limit your options. Will you ever to be able to afford a nice house, or DC of your own with him having 3 DC gto pay for. He probably won't want anymore DC, or just have 1, because he already has 3.

MrsTwatInAHat · 07/12/2023 09:28

would we still say the same about an older man taking on a divorced younger woman with 3 children?

I think I’d have some concerns though perhaps not the same ones. In that situation the woman be less likely to be looking for someone to do all the housework and childcare, by dint of the fact she’s probably doing them herself already and used to that. Newly divorced men often haven’t been pulling their weight at home and then realise how much they have to do when they have their own home and shared child residence.

I’d want her to be sure he wasn’t a chancer/cocklodger, i.e. he should have a job he’s serious about, and I’d want to be sure he didn’t have nefarious reasons for being drawn to a woman with young kids. But that’s why I’d have never moved a man in - any man - after my separation.

Diaria · 07/12/2023 09:30

My first response to reading your subject line was…

Oh my god, why would you?????

This is a shit show @Grace1999

Huge mess… avoid avoid avoid.

You are 24, study, develop your career, travel and have fun.

You do not need to get saddled with a man pushing 40 with mental health baggage, a no doubt insane ex and 3 kids with issues.

God no. Just no. It’s crazy.

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/12/2023 09:30

ChocolateYuleLog · 07/12/2023 09:20

Out of interest, reversing the roles here...

would we still say the same about an older man taking on a divorced younger woman with 3 children?

I have a male former colleague who did that. They were 48 and the woman was 33.

Still together after 30 years.

God there's always one, isn't there? Given how many MRAs are on here these days it's not surprising.

Soozikinzii · 07/12/2023 09:30

Speaking as a very happy step mum I'd say run . I only have 1 DSS who I get on really well with but I can imagine the logistics of 3 ! What if you want children ? What about when you're 46 still young and wanting to travel and he's 60 wanting a quiet week by the sea ? Please think again !

IcedPurple · 07/12/2023 09:34

Run a mile.

And then run another mile.

Berthatydfil · 07/12/2023 09:34

My daughter is 24 shes out having fun with people her own age and in the same stage of their lives, if she brought home a nearly 40 year old man with 3 kids I would be horrified.
I would say this to her and you
You are young and attractive and earning this makes you attractive for the fact you can cook clean baby sit and contribute financially. And warm his bed of course.
Hes nearly 40 whats going to happen if/when in 5 or 6 years time you want a baby he will be 43+ will he really want to have a fourth child and go back to the nappy stages? What if he says no to a baby or strings you along until your fertility is gone?
At 44 he will be nearly 60 and at 54 he will be nearly 70 . Not all 60 year olds are ill or infirm but- do you want to potentially be an old mans carer?

Ask yourself whats in it for him and whats in it for you?

funinthesun19 · 07/12/2023 09:35

Oh my god 😢 This is honestly so sad. You’re worth SO MUCH MORE than the miserable life he will give to you. Please run a mile from it all and enjoy your life.

Men like him make me so mad. He thinks he is boyfriend material for a younger woman with no kids. You deserve more than a divorced 38 year old man with 3 kids. He has so much baggage and he absolutely knows it! That’s why he keeps asking if you’re ok with it. Bastard.

Katbum · 07/12/2023 09:38

I’m 39, my husband is 45 with one child from a previous relationship. When we got together he had been split up from his ex for 6 years and they had an amicable relationship. It is still incredibly difficult: there is a child (in your case three) in the mix who has a life and needs and wants and her own problems and has to be the parents’ priority. You will not feel the same love and responsibility for them that dad will - throw in a recent divorce and all the attendant life-long financial compromises that being with someone who already has kids means. You also have the ex to contend with - my husband’s ex is a nice enough woman, but I now have to live a lot of my
life around her whims and choices and the decisions she made with my husband. I get very little say in the dynamic as I am not a parent to the child - and obviously her life her choices, you don’t make decisions about your family around your exes’ new wife. But it’s there and it impacts me every day. It’s a lot. No way would I have been able to cope with this at 24. You will (rightly) be low on his list of priorities and caught up in someone else’s relationship dramas to one degree or another.

I love my husband and what we have is good. But it take a lot of compromise, self awareness, communication and willingness to be amicable on all sides to make it work. There have been lots of moments I wanted to end it because of the ex and stepchild situation. You are very young and don’t need to make these compromises. Don’t invest too deep in someone who can’t give you what you need (hopefully at this stage of life that’s total devotion and lots of fun!). Good luck.

Snowdogsmitten · 07/12/2023 09:39

At 24 you’re far too young to waste the best years of your life spending a good deal of your spare time being a step mum.

💯

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