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Original poster

I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

423 replies

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 21:44

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

OP posts:
Snowdogsmitten · 07/12/2023 09:41

I cannot tell you how rubbish your life will become if you hook up with this older man, his three children and recently departed wife.

Snowdogsmitten · 07/12/2023 09:44

mylittlemonsters25 · 07/12/2023 09:17

Op, this was me 17 years ago I was 22 and he was 34. Also divorced with 3 kids. We are still together today, married 10 years and have 2 kids. It might not work out it most cases but it did for me

A stepmother at 22 to three kids? I wouldn’t encourage anyone into that position.

Avatartar · 07/12/2023 09:47

In honesty OP if you are nervous about disclosing your relationship to family, you sound and indeed are too young to suddenly have a part in 3 children’s lives and be partly responsible for their health and wellbeing when they are with you. Do the right thing for them and you and do not get involved

Heyahun · 07/12/2023 09:49

when i was 23 i met my now husband who was 34 - he had a 5 year old with his ex - but they spit when the child was 1 so it was long over - also I knew this guy around 5 years beforehand as we went to Uni together ( he was a mature student) and had socialised quite a bit and were in the same circle of friends.

When we eventually got together I already had met his child and his ex loads of times in passing and they had a very good healthy relationship and no drama!

So it was never really a problem for me and also I was very independent and had my own life going on and stayed well clear of his family life for a few years saw him outside of time with his child and had my own flat share and a really good social life!

Started to see his child a bit more when i was a bit older / few years into the relationship and now he's 17 and i'm super close with him! I also have a child with my husband now and 1 on the way! not gonna lie it was tough in the early days and sometimes i struggled a bit with understanding him having to give loads of his spare time to someone else and not being able to just drop everything and do things with me!

I don't think id be interested in someone recently divorced and with that many children at all! would this guy even be interested in having another family with you - cus 3 kids is already a lot

I'd think carefully about what kind of future you want and if he wants the same things really - do you want to travel / what do you want to do at the weekends - he might not be around much at weekends and stuff to spend time with you as he has his kids - might have less annual leave for trips and holidays with you cus he needs it for his kids - likely to have less disposable income because he's has to pay for his kids etc!!

Snowdogsmitten · 07/12/2023 09:49

ChocolateYuleLog · 07/12/2023 09:20

Out of interest, reversing the roles here...

would we still say the same about an older man taking on a divorced younger woman with 3 children?

I have a male former colleague who did that. They were 48 and the woman was 33.

Still together after 30 years.

That’s not the same.

Would I tell a 24-year-old man to ‘run like the wind’ from a recently divorced 37-year-old woman with no three kids?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

porridgeisbae · 07/12/2023 09:49

Don't do it @Grace1999 . I did it at around that age with the same age gap and it messed up my life. I still have this 60 year old guy in my life when I'm 46. I split with him, but he needs me for help with his physical and mental health.

I missed out on a lot. Don't be me.

And my one didn't even have kids.

Suddenlychrimbo · 07/12/2023 09:51

If you both know the score, you could have a bit of 'fun' together , but if you feel like you could could get hurt or get too into him, then sack it off.

No way should you contemplate a relationship at your age with someone with this baggage, and quite frankly neither should he if he's a decent bloke.

ChocolateYuleLog · 07/12/2023 09:53

Why is it not the same @Snowdogsmitten ? She had a lot to gain by marrying an older man with property, because of her circumstances. She wasn't able to support herself and her children.

Scirocco · 07/12/2023 09:53

What should you do, @Grace1999 ?

You should run.

So many red flags.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 07/12/2023 09:57

Honestly, op, don’t do it. Run now while you can. You will meet someone else! 🌺

ukgot2pot · 07/12/2023 09:58

@Grace1999 - Run for the hills my dear.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/12/2023 10:00

Sorry but at your age you should be running a mile from this, with someone a similar age and with someone with no baggage.

You’ll have to deal with his kids, ex wife, possible contact and seeing him around kids. He also may want a mother/wife figure rather than a girlfriend.

LlynTegid · 07/12/2023 10:00

Run a mile. Or even further.

Pipsquiggle · 07/12/2023 10:02

@Grace1999
'he keeps asking if I'm OK with the situation'........................................ because he knows what you are giving up by being with him, which is essentially your freedom.

Look, some women make the decision to have DC at a young age, they are fantastic mothers and then have more free time in their 40s.

Most women (& men) have the most freedom they ever have in their 20s - they are adults but not necessarily tied down with mortgages and DC. This is the time when you should be travelling, starting your career, doing things on a whim - I remember just going to Cardiff because I was free one night (lived in London). I was also just able to meet up with friends all around the country and abroad. I went out loads

If you continue to see this bloke - all your time with him will be determined around his DC and his access to them.
That's ALL his time.
All your holidays will be around his DC - whether the DC are there or not.
All your dates will be around whether he has his DC or not
Now all the above is completely workable but you must really, really, really want to be with him to surrender your freedom in your 20s.

MrsMarzetti · 07/12/2023 10:08

Just no

Morewineplease10 · 07/12/2023 10:09

Why would you? So many cons, no plus points. My god he would think all his xmases came at once buy what's in it for you?

Leg it!!

InefficientProcess · 07/12/2023 10:12

ChocolateYuleLog · 07/12/2023 09:20

Out of interest, reversing the roles here...

would we still say the same about an older man taking on a divorced younger woman with 3 children?

I have a male former colleague who did that. They were 48 and the woman was 33.

Still together after 30 years.

  1. the patriarchal standards in society mean it’s not a fair comparison. He won’t end up nanny/housekeeper.
  2. yes. People would advise a man that steering clear of a newly divorced mother of 3 is probably wise. Indeed, I suspect people wouldn’t think twice about saying he should run.
amusedbush · 07/12/2023 10:12

A man pushing 40 has no business sniffing around a 24 year old.

You're at completely different stages in life - why settle for someone with so much baggage when you don't have to?

jolies1 · 07/12/2023 10:17

It might have worked for some people, but what do YOU want for your life? What lifestyle do you want to live?

You’re only 24. Do you want to be experiencing life, travelling, fab holidays, making friends, exploring your career options?

Do you want to do all that balancing the needs of your BF’s three children, knowing that he has already experienced his 20’s and will possibly have different ideas about how he wants to spend his time?

What’s your social circle like? Is he likely to fit in with your friends? Or will you see less of them as he doesn’t want to do what they do / can’t go out as you have the kids?

Are you potentially prepared to take on the needs of 3 kids, knowing they will always come first at a time in your life you do get to be selfish and make choices for YOU only?

Aydahayda · 07/12/2023 10:18

Been there, done that, regret it hugely

strawberry2017 · 07/12/2023 10:20

titchy · 06/12/2023 21:47

Oh god you're way too young for this sort of baggage. Find someone else nearer your own age.

I agree with this,
This is far to much to want to take on, find someone without the baggage. Don't waste your best years on someone with all this!

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/12/2023 10:20

LargeSquareRock · 07/12/2023 05:24

He needs a free live in nanny.

Edited

Indeed. I've seen any number of threads on here, by women who've married men with kids and who end up being the nanny to them when it's their 'dad time'. A fair few have involved both partner and his ex-wife expecting the stepmum to do all sorts of solo caring for the children whilst they have 'me time'.

Run for the hills.

CrazyTimes123 · 07/12/2023 10:21

21 year old me did exactly this - met him through work too.
38 year old me still shudders at the thought of it.

Also, it meant I completely missed out on dating young fit men while I had the chance, and there’s no turning the clock back on that one.

Run don’t walk xx

PrincessHoneysuckle · 07/12/2023 10:21

Why would you want someone with more baggage than a Smiggle factory? I'd leave it.

EyeInTheSky23 · 07/12/2023 10:25

You don't need to settle for a divorced man with three kids at only 24 yrs old.

You have opportunities with men who don't have any kids yet.

You dan have all your firsts together, instead of him just repeating what he's already done with someone else already. You can also have all your joint money for your kids, instead of someone who's got to pay for three kids before he even gets to yours. It's a bad financial deal unless he's very rich.

It's a bad del.all round.

Leave him to divorced mums with kids - that's his real dating pool,not 24 yr olds with no kids. Hrs taking advantage.
That's a big fkg age gap too

Oh and bring a step mother is very very hard in most cases.

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