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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

423 replies

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 21:44

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

OP posts:
JWhipple · 07/12/2023 10:26

I was 24, he was 32 with two kids. Initially lovely and sweet.
That didn't last.
He was miserable, controlling and eventually I stopped seeing my friends just to keep the peace.
His ex was lovely, considering the amount of times he'd cancel having the kids at the last minute (once when she was ten minutes away. He was the one who chose to move an hour's drive away.)
I'd come home after a 24 hour shift (sleep in) at 3pm on a Saturday and find him sitting with kids waiting for me to think of something they could Do.
I'd buy the kids food they liked (because he didn't see why he had to) and tried to make the house nice despite working full-time and him regularly bunking off work to sit being miserable because "I miss the kids" but then cancel seeing them anyway

If I ever tried to point out him being wrong in anyway, I'd be told I was too young for a serious relationship and too young to understand what I was on about. With a patronising smile.

He might not be like that, but if not why not look at someone his own age? Does he know they'd be more likely to see through his nonsense?

YesTonightJosephine · 07/12/2023 10:34

R U N now!

Do not waste any more of your precious time!

Go have FUN!

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/12/2023 10:42

Just a little scenario for you here… when I was 19 I met a man 12 years older who was separated and going through his divorce, he still lived with his wife until the house was sold. For various reasons we dated for a while and then I broke it off. Fast forward 10 years when I was early 30s and in the meantime he’d moved abroad a lot (he was a foreign journalist) and was now living in America but divorced and with a stepson who lived with him because his mother (and the ex wife) had basically abandoned the child. I went over to USA as I had friends nearby met up with him but his life was mostly about his stepson now, it could’ve worked if I’d have lived over there, near where he lived. He actually admitted when I broke it off again that it was too much of a sticky situation for me to get involved in, he wanted to marry me and we’d met up whilst he was visiting London with his stepson so I’d met both of them and got on well with the stepson.

Now, he’s met and married a woman who lives near him in USA and who’s more mature than I was then.

Listen to the voices of reason here. Another reason you’re worried about telling your parents is you’re worried and rightly so what they’ll think.

Pasithean · 07/12/2023 10:47

It can work it did for us. DH twenty years older than me , met and married in my twenties. He had four teenage kids. We did have hard times , we did have rows etc. but it worked.

WowOK · 07/12/2023 10:56

I was you. I was early 20s. He was early 40s. He had 2 kids and was divorced. We spent 2 years together and I did love him. However, we weren't on the same page. I was closer in age to his kids than him. We had different outlooks. He didn't want more children and I wanted children. I was used like a aupair with sex included. Honestly, if you want to shag him that's one thing but I wouldn't get into a DEEP relationship. Although, if you work together it's probably better to not shit where you eat.

Birdcar · 07/12/2023 10:59

Run

SevenMoon · 07/12/2023 11:06

"Age is just a number" and "you're really mature for your age". What he really means is "women my age, like my ex-wife, won't put up with my shit anymore. They did when they were younger so what I need is a younger woman who hasn't learnt her worth yet."

IcedPurple · 07/12/2023 11:07

SevenMoon · 07/12/2023 11:06

"Age is just a number" and "you're really mature for your age". What he really means is "women my age, like my ex-wife, won't put up with my shit anymore. They did when they were younger so what I need is a younger woman who hasn't learnt her worth yet."

Age is only ever just a number when the woman is significantly younger than the man.

YouJustDoYou · 07/12/2023 11:09

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 23:03

How did your family and friends take this? If it goes there I am nervous to tell them.

Well if you were my child I would point out all the massive red flags I can see, waving away in front of my face.

Do NOT get yourself involved in this, you will become defacto nanny, chef, maid, school run taxi driver etc. It's not worth it.

JNG18 · 07/12/2023 11:09

Sounds like you're going ahead with it, and just want advice on how to go about it. Unfortunately no matter how many people tell you run, you likely don't have the life experience or frame of reference to truly understand why people are telling you this.

Why not look up others' experience of this kind of dynamic to see what kinds of situations will likely come up?

itsmylife7 · 07/12/2023 11:10

Avoid.
Go and live a carefree life.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/12/2023 11:16

One of my friends is a single dad with teenagers. He went on a few dates with a younger lady. She talked a lot about how she couldn't wait to start a family (whole different conversation to have on whether that's early date chat!). He broke it off with her because he's done the kid thing and is not willing to go back to baby stages (can't blame him, I'm in them and wouldn't want to go back in 10 years time).

In 5/10 years time are you going to be in the same place in life? Will you be wanting marriage and children of your own, and is this something he'll want to do again? It might be early days but he's doing the right thing asking you if you're ok with his life NOW rather than waiting til you're both head over heels and it'll hurt when you realise you're maybe not compatible as far as wants/needs goes.

cheezncrackers · 07/12/2023 11:19

However nice he is OP, what on Earth are you doing? A casual fling, fine, but don't get your 24-year-old self saddled with some bloke 14 years older than you who's already got three kids. The difference between 24 and 38 is already pretty big, but how about 40 and 54 or 60 and 74 - see what I'm saying? That's a big age gap.

Please, read the replies from the mostly older and more experienced women on this thread who are sharing their hard-won life experience with you. Find someone your own age. Have your own family. Don't get involved with some bloke who's already been there, done that with someone else. And don't have a rose-tinted view of life as a step-mum either - it's a hard row to hoe. Head over to the step-parents board and see for yourself.

Alondra · 07/12/2023 11:22

You are so young OP. You are in love and love conquers all, right?

The majority of posters are telling you to run for a reason. Marriage is difficult because there are 2 individuals trying to combine a life together with the pressure of jobs, money, kids, housing etc, and it's not easy. Add to it that we often get married without fully knowing our partner and what life is going to be like in a few years time. Someone I loved very much said to me years ago "often is not love that fails in a marriage, it's the everyday life that makes it fail"

You have 3 serious points to overcome

You are 24 and he's 36. The difference in living experience is enormous.

He's recently divorced. He has not experienced life as a single father with all the dramas of single parenting and looking for a wife's substitute to make it easier for him.

He has 3 children you'd be a stepmother for, with the huge responsibility they'll bring to your life.

If my daughter came to me in your situation, I'll be devastated. I'd try talking to her, explaining what she would take on, but ultimately I would accept her decision. A decision she'll make as a fully informed adult, which means she'd have to accept the consequences of her commitment.

NearlyMonday · 07/12/2023 11:28

GrumpyPanda · 06/12/2023 21:49

Post this on the step-parenting board, peruse their responses, then run. Or just run.

This!!! And run!!!

Edited to add that I have one step child, that was hard enough. But three? They would completely take your life over, its just the sheer weight of numbers (and that's before there are any 'tensions')

Ebee19 · 07/12/2023 11:34

At 20, I dated someone who was 35 and a family friend. I didn't really see an issue for a while, but then suddenly realised when I was 4 he was 19. That kind of creeped me out as he would have known me at that age. I also had someone who when I was 22, was 30, and he called it off because of different life stage. I didn't understand and was hurt, but he remained a close friend and he said I would understand one day. Some times age gaps work, but in complete honesty, now I am 30 - I don't understand how a 35 year old man found me attractive at 20 and didn't see me as a child (especially as he knew me as a child). I also completely understand the life stage factor that the other man raised - and respect him for deciding it wasn't going to work. Unless you love him and honestly think he is the one (after all these situations do sometimes work), I would walk away. If he is asking this, then I have a feeling he will leave you at some point and you will be very hurt. Both the men I have mentioned have gone on to marry people closer to their age and now say they weren't in the best place when we dated - a time when they wanted to feel younger or were craving the past. I do honestly think you will look back in 6 or 7 years and question his motives a little. However, some times these things do work and I do know people who are happily married for long periods with big age gaps, so trust your gut.

BestZebbie · 07/12/2023 11:35

Something else people haven't explicitly mentioned - he is already senior at work, you haven't had the chance to get there yet.

So obviously, if you got together and someone needed to sacrifice their career to look after three children - even if just to be around for the school runs a few times a week preventing a full-time 9-5 job - it would just have to be you, the lower earner, right?

He is setting you up as a human shield against his own responsibilities.

Munchyseeds2 · 07/12/2023 11:35

If my DD (same age) introduced a man of 38 to me as her boyfriend I would not be happy....let alone someone with 3 kids!!
Plenty more fish in the sea for sure

shmivorytower · 07/12/2023 11:35

Run

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/12/2023 11:37

Lewiscapaldiscat · 06/12/2023 21:47

Run

Like the wind!

He may well be a lovely man, but the complications a young family brings are much more intrusive than you might think.

You are young - don't get bound up with someone else's drama.

laveritable · 07/12/2023 11:40

NO! PLEASE! NO!!!

Historybooks · 07/12/2023 11:44

No I wouldn't. You're young. Meet someone new and have kids in your own time if you want kids. Enjoy hobbies, dates without having to think of childcare. Enjoy a childfree life or one where you have your own baby.

As a mother of one, I can imagine what it would be like to spontaneously take on 3 kids that aren't yours. If you decide to have kids you'll set your own rules together and watch them grow. If you take on someone else's you have to fit into their life.

This is why he's asked you. He doesn't want you to realise after you've met the kids.

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/12/2023 11:48

To make something clear, OP, since you think he's wonderful...I don't imagine he's thinking all of these things overtly and consciously. I don't think he's giving evil laughs imagining how he'll get you as live in nanny and so on. I expect he is truly drawn to you, attracted to you and cares about you.

But what is causing these feelings? We are drawn to partners who fulfil desires and wants. I doubt he's thought it through this way and I don't think he is consciously dehumanising you, but why is he drawn and caring towards a much younger woman with no baggage and not someone his age, at his life stage, with her own responsibilities?

Historybooks · 07/12/2023 11:54

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/12/2023 11:48

To make something clear, OP, since you think he's wonderful...I don't imagine he's thinking all of these things overtly and consciously. I don't think he's giving evil laughs imagining how he'll get you as live in nanny and so on. I expect he is truly drawn to you, attracted to you and cares about you.

But what is causing these feelings? We are drawn to partners who fulfil desires and wants. I doubt he's thought it through this way and I don't think he is consciously dehumanising you, but why is he drawn and caring towards a much younger woman with no baggage and not someone his age, at his life stage, with her own responsibilities?

I agree there's probably nothing deliberate that he's after a housewife etc... I also think people can be drawn to people and fall in love even if its unsuitable. However, that's where responsibility comes in and I'd wonder why he hasn't said actually this isn't going to work. He puts in ball in OPs court. But maybe its just wishful thinking.

gerteddy · 07/12/2023 11:54

Avoid. Don't go there. Not what I wld want for my daughter. The age gap means ur just at very different times in ur life. He has 3 kids and an ex wife. Sounds complicated and ur way too young to be getting involved with that!