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Original poster

I’m 24 and he’s 38, divorced with three children!

423 replies

Grace1999 · 06/12/2023 21:44

Hello, so I have met a man through work who is 38 and he is recently divorced and has three children. He keeps asking if I’m okay with the situation and if I want to get involved and what my parents and family will think about his situation. I’m getting anxious about it but i don’t know what to do. I really like him but this is a huge factor on us!
anyone experienced this and how they dealt with it ? Should I be avoiding this ?

OP posts:
Tiredofthiss · 07/12/2023 12:09

The more responses I read from others the most glaring thing now is what decent guy just after a divorce is focusing on another serious relationship especially with someone much younger at work?

It must have been going on awhile to want to introduce to parents ect. It all sounds so wrong. To those saying it worked out you guys look like the 5 percent out of all the responses of regret on here and even then it's like it was a struggle .. The other outcomes are just not worth risking.

He very likely after 3 kids doesn't want anymore and if he does is this the sort of father you would want for them? He would very easily if the relationship broke down with kids, will put his focus elsewhere.

Three kids and having been married to someone is massive. You will never feel truly secure and in someone else shadow. Regardless of the the age gap and what other people think about it.
Is he really that amazing to come like 4th or 5th (depending on situation with ex W) in his life of priorities right now?

cerisepanther73 · 07/12/2023 12:10

Hi @Grace1999

I have been involved age gap relationship myself,
i was the younger impressionable one ect,

my take on this ,

Don't waste your younger years of your life on someone in an age gap relationship like this,
you will i think come to seriously regret one day , when you are far too deep 💔 in it,

for someone of his age of 38yrs age, he has got some serious heavy emotional baggage and responsibilities allready under his belt,

He is at a totally different stage of his life,

then you add the emotional collateral damage baggage of a divorce in the mix and 3 offspring children of his too, to contend with in this equation,

Wow bloody hell,!

Well i would hot foot, out of that kind of situation, like i was training for next world Olympic games championships,

He really is a walking talking red banner flags alert , like a communist old guard 💂‍♀️ reunion meet up...

On his part its obviously what the attraction for him is, having a young woman who is starting out in life, who could be easily to mold, or impressionable especially if he is strong character,

Plus he will be hoping also that he will have in you @Grace1999 a babysitter whenever he feels like it,
no longer does he have the expense or headwork hazzle of looking for suitable babysitter, and also someone like you to to help keep his house clean and tidy too for him ,
a bonus if you can do as much of his housework as its harder naturally to keep a house clean with 3 children..

Dontgivemeplants · 07/12/2023 12:18

You could both be into the same thing right now; some fun loving times without long term prospects.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/12/2023 12:19

If you fancy him I’d go for it. All these people saying run and not to waste years of your life, Jesus, of course don’t waste years, but have some fun for a few months. I would never marry anyone who was divorced with three kids. Never! However I definitely saw a few before I settled down. I really enjoyed dating much older men when I was young.

InSpainTheRain · 07/12/2023 12:19

Honestly I do not think you should saddle yourself with a 38 year old man with kids who is recently divorced! You are 24, find someone you can build a life with not someone who has a ton of responsibilities already. He has red flags - recently divorced, 3 kids in tow, he's a work colleague, 14 year age gap. I'm not surprised you're concerned about tell people. You need to dump and run and fine someone worthy of you!

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/12/2023 12:21

Moveoverdarlin · 07/12/2023 12:19

If you fancy him I’d go for it. All these people saying run and not to waste years of your life, Jesus, of course don’t waste years, but have some fun for a few months. I would never marry anyone who was divorced with three kids. Never! However I definitely saw a few before I settled down. I really enjoyed dating much older men when I was young.

Yes OP, have a few months of fun with a recently divorced older man with kids, whom you met at work and which will still exist after you've ended it. This is a great idea. For more kicks, play Russian roulette.

Lili132 · 07/12/2023 12:21

But why? Liking someone is not enough reason to be with them. You're are at completely different stages in life and not compatible. It never even crossed my mind to date someone 38 years old with 3 kids when I was 24 so probably I don't get it.

luckylavender · 07/12/2023 12:23

Run while you can

Erdinger · 07/12/2023 12:24

No way. This isn’t going to be good for you short or long term . At your age have fun and move in circles closer to your own age . Three children wouldn’t be easy

JFDIYOLO · 07/12/2023 12:24

Also... Do you truly know what happened?

Did he walk out on his wife and children?

Why?

So he's done it before - he can do it again.

Or did his wife leave - and get the children away from him?

Why?

What lay beneath the split?

Any man who does not live with his children - you want to KNOW WHY.

And if you take him on, you have one ex wife, three children, possibly two lots of grandparents to contend with.

You will be a small part of his arrangements and plans.

If you have children, hers will be competition for his time, attention and cash.

Seriously, OP - everyone here is telling you to RUN.

Yes, i's flattering, exciting, a more sophisticated experienced older man interested in you, bla bla bla.

But this will morph one day surprisingly quickly into middle aged man with still-young wife ... Then into elderly dependant man with middle aged wife, wishing you'd made other choices at this young stage in your life.

I bet your parents are delighted ...

TonTonMacoute · 07/12/2023 12:26

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

randomstress · 07/12/2023 12:30

Why would you do this?
Why on earth would you want to set yourself up as a step mother to three children at your age?
Your chances of having your own family and being able to put them first will disappear for ever if you do this.

Why on earth would this bloke be so selfish as to try and get tangled up with you?
Obviously hanging out with someone much younger and child free is going to make him feel young and boost his ego.
But it is really selfish and inappropriate behavior, particularly if you work together.

This isn't a sensible thing to do and he isn't a decent man for suggesting it.

Boslembob · 07/12/2023 12:34

What the hell does it matter what anybody else thinks? It’s your life, live it how you want. Your combined happiness is what matters. My wife and I have a significant age difference and all of the people that are important to us recognise that we are happy and accept it for what it is.

hsapposhit · 07/12/2023 12:36

You are far too young to be getting involved with this man and being stepmum to his 3 kids (which is what would happen if the relationship were to become serious).
You don't have enough life experience to deal with that and everything that comes with it. Have a look at some of the threads on the stepparent board to see the sort of things you will need to deal with.
The age gap would be sort of manageable if you had similar interests and were at similar life stages despite the age gap (which is rare really...). eg. if he had not been married and did not have any children and was interested in having children in a few years time and you were on the same page with that. But this is not like that - the gap between your life stages is far too big.
Also think about whether you want to have kids in the future. What is the likelihood of a man who has three children wanting to have more children with you in the future? We had a relative who has a similar age gap with her husband and similar situation - he said all along he didn't want any more kids, she thought she could change his mind and now she's so bitter that she never had kids.

TLDR: don't go there

IcedPurple · 07/12/2023 12:36

Boslembob · 07/12/2023 12:34

What the hell does it matter what anybody else thinks? It’s your life, live it how you want. Your combined happiness is what matters. My wife and I have a significant age difference and all of the people that are important to us recognise that we are happy and accept it for what it is.

No. Their 'combined' happiness is not what matters to the poster. She doesn't owe this man anything. Her happiness is what matters.

Sequinne · 07/12/2023 12:37

No, sorry op!

He’s older, at a completely different stage in his life to you and with 3 kids, you will most likely find that tricky. He can’t be spontaneous or flexible and rightly so, his kids will always come first.

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/12/2023 12:37

Boslembob · 07/12/2023 12:34

What the hell does it matter what anybody else thinks? It’s your life, live it how you want. Your combined happiness is what matters. My wife and I have a significant age difference and all of the people that are important to us recognise that we are happy and accept it for what it is.

Yes OP, take relationship advice from the old man with the young wife who joins Mumsnet to tell women they're wrong.

Boslembob · 07/12/2023 12:49

Good point well made

NonPlayerCharacter · 07/12/2023 13:06

Boslembob · 07/12/2023 12:49

Good point well made

Edited

I've met you, Bob. Several of you hit on me a lot when I was younger and I did some stupid things myself with some of you, though thankfully it never went too far. I thought you all thought I was sexy and fun, and I suppose you did, but I never really thought out why.

Now I can see that there are many reasons why Bobs with kids pursue Grace1999s, but never, ever, not once, is it because the Graces are mature.

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 13:23

Boslembob · 07/12/2023 12:34

What the hell does it matter what anybody else thinks? It’s your life, live it how you want. Your combined happiness is what matters. My wife and I have a significant age difference and all of the people that are important to us recognise that we are happy and accept it for what it is.

I'm guessing you're the older of the two of you?

Lilibert456 · 07/12/2023 13:24

Lewiscapaldiscat · 06/12/2023 21:47

Run

Just this.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/12/2023 13:29

Boslembob · 07/12/2023 12:34

What the hell does it matter what anybody else thinks? It’s your life, live it how you want. Your combined happiness is what matters. My wife and I have a significant age difference and all of the people that are important to us recognise that we are happy and accept it for what it is.

My DH is older than me too, and it works well.

BUT. He didn't come with 3 children that should be his highest priority. He didn't come with an ex-wife he'd JUST divorced. He was utterly baggage free, just hadn't met anyone he wanted to settle down with yet and wasn't in a rush.

This scenario, had he had all of that, I'd have walked away. Not a chance I'd have wanted to get involved in what is likely a very messy situation. And I was only 21 when we met. I still would have run.

PeppermintMandy · 07/12/2023 13:30

No 38 year old divorced man with 3 kids should have anything in common with a 24 year old woman.

I’m 38 & the thought of dating a 24 year old makes me feel nauseous.

When I was 20 I dated a 34 year old who had never been married an had no kids. It’s only now that I look back and realise how wrong it was.

Seaweed42 · 07/12/2023 13:32

Look at it this way.

Are you looking for a secure 'Dad' figure in your life, and feel really ready to be a Stepmother to three children, all with different demanding needs and wants.
When you are with these children, their needs may have to come first.

You don't mind that your boyfriend will have a whole other 'life' away from you the majority of the time. You understand he will be a part-time boyfriend.
Do you have a craving for financial security?

Or are you picturing your future with a happy go lucky 20-something/same age man to go on holidays with, join in with all your same-age friends, and plan a future together.

Your 38yr old boyfriend might not want to join in some of the social events that 24yr olds like.

He might not be free for holidays or want the same type of holiday you do.

If you are a quiet type, who is 'older than their years' and a home bird and really only ever wanted a family of their own, then maybe this would suit you.

What is it about this man in particular that you are attracted to?

Buddhabobby · 07/12/2023 13:34

Boslembob · 07/12/2023 12:34

What the hell does it matter what anybody else thinks? It’s your life, live it how you want. Your combined happiness is what matters. My wife and I have a significant age difference and all of the people that are important to us recognise that we are happy and accept it for what it is.

Ridiculously simplistic view of the situation.