This whole male/female platonic friendship thing

[Wahtnow]

I so want to believe it's possible, but my experience is that men don't really want it.

Years ago I worked in a male dominated industry, I avoided getting close to most of the men because it was blatantly obviously none of them were interested in knowing me as a friend, or even a friendly colleague tbh. There was one man who seemed "safe" a dedicated family man, absolutely committed to his wife, we became good friends through a shared interest and for years it was all good, until it wasn't, and he kissed me at the end of a work function, when I thought he was being a genuinely decent bloke seeing me back to my hotel.

And now it's happened again. I have a mixed group of friends, some married, some single. Based on my previous experience, I have been so careful not to become especially close to the married men or to spend time alone with them, we get along absolutely fine in the group, but my close friends within it are the women and a couple of single men.

We've just been away to an event for a few days, tbf lots of drinking involved and varying stamina levels. Of 12 of us, 6 had left the bar fairly early and a couple of hours later married man said he was going, me and one other said we'd walk back with him. The other (single man) got distracted by another bar on the way back leaving me to walk with married man. All good, I feel completely safe with him and there's never been any reason for anyone to feel concerned about it.

We staggered home (large air BnB) made a cup of tea, sat on the sofa, half the party already in bed in rooms very close and the rest expected back at some point. And then he makes his move. I did not see that coming at all, up until that point it felt exactly like if I'd been with a female friend drinking tea at the end of a fun evening.

Do all men "turn" eventually/ have an ulterior motive for friendships with women or is this something I'm doing?

I stopped him, he stopped immediately and was very apologetic. He also apologised again next day and it will be fine, but it also changes things.

His wife wasn't on this trip because it was for something she doesn't enjoy, but I know and like her a lot, so that leaves me with another issue. Until this point I've always genuinely believed he was one of the good guys 😪

I know it’s upsetting now
but the best thing you can do is park it and move onwards and try and forgot it

yeah I tend to agree that for me personally I’ve never had platonic make friends
there’s always something of a niggle

You might think that. But there's plenty of people on the thread who you seem to think are wrong in their views of some of their closest friends. Why would you think that you would know better, about their lives, their situation, what's happening on the inside of their minds?

I don't know anyone who has only friends of the same sex. It seems utterly bizarre to me to judge people based on their gender rather than whether they're a nice person that you click with.

I suppose it's up to the individual if they want to miss out on that bond, but it's a shame.

@Comedycook maybe not within your social circle, but that's the beauty of the internet. You get to exchange views with people you may not ordinarily meet and who have differing experiences, lifestyles and viewpoints.

Maybe you are right and many/most women won't have friendships with men on the assumption that men will only value their looks. However, that doesn't mean those of us who have valued, long-standing platonic friends are being naïve.

Fwiw I've been friends with my (male) best friend for over 30 years. During that time sometimes we've both been single, sometimes one or both has been in a relationship, but it hasn't mattered, we've just been friends.

Also, it takes two to cross those boundaries of friendship.
I work in construction, very male dominated, and never have any issues with my male friends. To become a close friend, one needs similar values so neither of us would ever consider crossing boundaries.Maybe consider if you are sending messages that you don't respect the established relationships of your 'friends'.

nope same as you, they've always tried it on in the end.

Ditto. I’d actually say most people in my experience have friends of both sexes.

My whole adult life I’ve mixed with a wide social circle of both sexes, married, attached and single people To me that’s the norm and I find the fact some don’t have friends of the opposite sex very unusual indeed.

Yes, exactly. In my friendship group, sleazy behaviour would get very short shrift.

I feel very safe with my male friends in that respect. I know very well none of them would behave poorly.

I have female friends who are married and we all socialise with our husbands and partners. I get on with those men just fine but I don't consider them my friends on an individual level. I wouldn't keep in touch with them if they got divorced from my friend iyswim.

When my DC were in primary school I attended a birthday party thrown by an attractive recent divorcee for her DS7. It was a Saturday afternoon at a play centre and, apart from me, every other parent was a man. They were literally circling her. All married too...

Your social circle is the problem.

I've been friends with my male best friend for longer than I've known my husband, maybe that's a big difference. Like I said before, he's like a brother.

I knew my male best friend before I met my first husband and he met his first wife. He's always been chosen family to me.

I've never thought of him as a romantic partner and he's never thought of me in that way either.

When I first met his second wife she said, "I can't believe he wasn't snapped up he's such a catch" and they are perfect for each other, but I'd never have thought of him in that way.

She's beautiful, kind and would never consider me as a threat (because I'm not) - whilst my friendship is with him, I don't have an issue if I call him and she answers to talk to her instead.

He is lovely and a genuinely nice person, but we'd have driven each other mad in a relationship, but I love him as a friend. She's perfect for him.

I used to have platonic friends back in London. But where I live now it's not the done thing. People here clearly don't think it's possible.
In London I was regarded as a bit of a loser. Here I seem to be regarded as a threat. The difference is striking.
I have a clear conscience.

So if men and women can’t be friends because of potential chemistry, where does that leave bi-sexual people? Are we not entitled to any friends at all?

@Vivi0 yep. Makes me sick tbh. And invariably IME it's the "nice" guys who are the worst chancers

Yes, that's your experience. Others' experience is different, and many have opposite sex platonic friends. You seem to think that others are naive if they don't have the same view as you. That's naivety.

I would want to know if my husband tried it on with anyone. It means the intent is there and that's enough!

I would want to know if my husband tried it on with anyone. It means the intent is there and that's enough!

I think op should say nothing

why risk a shower of shit falling on her and imploding the group ?

This isn’t her issue or her responsibility
and there is a decent chance the messanger (her !) gets shot

Men and women can be friends.

But unless any of us are bisexual, that's your business what you do in your relationship. Idgaf what bisexual people do. There are people on here who go on Cinema dates and holidays with their male friend and share a room thinking that's ok. Their business.

No, you are clearly supposed to sit alone in your room all your life, friendless. Because of the dangerous 'chemistry'.

I've had the greatest female friend for over three years. We met on a date. We friend zoned each other but since then we've had the most amazing days out and weekends always. Mutual interest in the great outdoors. We went on a weeks summer holiday together.

She dates the odd guy and I the odd lady. I have no interest in taking things further with her, as I know it wouldn't work and would spoil a special friendship.

For context, I have a good few female friends. I'm not interested in any of them Romantically.

This is interesting. I meet ladies for "no strings" meets.

With this friend I have absolutely no interest in that.

I'm bisexual and I have other female bisexual and lesbian friends.

We still manage to go to the cinema together without humping.

The fact you seem to think that's impossible says a lot more about you.

Ditto. Our group look out for each other. Newcomers joining us soon get to understand the dynamics. Yes we’ve had single people get together and that’s great when it happens organically but anyone randomly hitting on others for the sake of a quicky would get pulled up very quickly.