This whole male/female platonic friendship thing

[Wahtnow]

I so want to believe it's possible, but my experience is that men don't really want it.

Years ago I worked in a male dominated industry, I avoided getting close to most of the men because it was blatantly obviously none of them were interested in knowing me as a friend, or even a friendly colleague tbh. There was one man who seemed "safe" a dedicated family man, absolutely committed to his wife, we became good friends through a shared interest and for years it was all good, until it wasn't, and he kissed me at the end of a work function, when I thought he was being a genuinely decent bloke seeing me back to my hotel.

And now it's happened again. I have a mixed group of friends, some married, some single. Based on my previous experience, I have been so careful not to become especially close to the married men or to spend time alone with them, we get along absolutely fine in the group, but my close friends within it are the women and a couple of single men.

We've just been away to an event for a few days, tbf lots of drinking involved and varying stamina levels. Of 12 of us, 6 had left the bar fairly early and a couple of hours later married man said he was going, me and one other said we'd walk back with him. The other (single man) got distracted by another bar on the way back leaving me to walk with married man. All good, I feel completely safe with him and there's never been any reason for anyone to feel concerned about it.

We staggered home (large air BnB) made a cup of tea, sat on the sofa, half the party already in bed in rooms very close and the rest expected back at some point. And then he makes his move. I did not see that coming at all, up until that point it felt exactly like if I'd been with a female friend drinking tea at the end of a fun evening.

Do all men "turn" eventually/ have an ulterior motive for friendships with women or is this something I'm doing?

I stopped him, he stopped immediately and was very apologetic. He also apologised again next day and it will be fine, but it also changes things.

His wife wasn't on this trip because it was for something she doesn't enjoy, but I know and like her a lot, so that leaves me with another issue. Until this point I've always genuinely believed he was one of the good guys 😪

@EarthSight I still don't buy it as genuine friendship...and I have male friends whom I really like, can have a pint with a chat once in a while, but those are not in any way close friendships. They're good mates, that's all.

I'm biased because I did have few awkward encounters where my friends propositioned me (granted it was back when I was younger) and I've just found it incredibly awkward later on - but that's just me. Especially since, as you've mentioned briefly, some men interpret being friendly as sign of interest in pursuing things further.

@EBearhug that's a no from me. Even bigger no if, like in the OP, the friend is married.

I can write this from a male perspective. I had a close female friend from my friendship group, we went cycling a couple of times a week together. She was attractive and if I wasn't already in a relationship would probably see her as a possible partner. He was aware of my girlfriend and had been on nights out with her. After an evening out I fave her a lift home, as I said goodbye she pulled me over and kissed me on the lips and moved my hand to her chest.
I was taken aback and retreated. I think often either way there is usually an attraction which when drink is involved blurs the lines of friends. Women step over this line just as much as men.

No it's not possible.

This same question was on a popular Facebook group and NO man answered they could be just friends with a woman.

You're going to get a biased answer because mostly women will answer.

Women tend to see others as people and not just potential sexual partners.

If mumsnet is biased then wouldn't that mean a Facebook group is also biased? Especially if someone already believes men and women can't be friends, they are more likely going to miss comments by men saying that they are friends with women.

Of course some men can see women as people.

I think one of the key important things here is how men view women. Most objectify them they are either only of worth if they are sexually attractive or a female relative. They aren't seeing women as people with value. It's all about what they can provide for them.

As women we value men as people with worth regardless of anything else. We respect the boundaries and friendship we don't want to lose by crossing the boundaries. We have skills to talk and navigate situations. We evaluate situations. Lots of men are just chancing things. Suggest they don't value friendship with women. The put more value on a chance of a sexual encounter. They aren't doing this with their male friendships.

I think one of the key important things here is how men view women. Most objectify them

Is there meant to be irony here? If not, it's even funnier.

It doesn't have to be sex. The fact that my DH has gone out today for a walk and a pub lunch with her, aka that bloody woman, has sent me into a rage. If he'd gone out with his brother or a male friend I wouldn't give two hoots.
Before I get flamed, this relationship between them has been going on for 2 decades. She gloats whenever we are all together about their dates. 'Oh DH we had such a lovely time at.......what time are we meeting tomorrow etc' Pass the sick bucket! They have been to the theatre, sat together, I'm not invited so buy my own ticket and sit within view but sadly not within ear shot of them. The most bizarre experience was at the end of a holiday with DH I went home and he remained and went on further holiday in the same place with her and a couple of others. All these people are known to me, we all worked in the same office.
He wont change, he says I can't control his social life. I know he doesn't care about me.........

It's definitely possible.

So does he purposely exclude you and tell you you’re not invited, or did you take a dislike to this woman 20 years ago just because she’s female? There’s nothing wrong with him meeting up with friends without you there, do you want him tagging along on every social engagement of yours? Were you invited to stay on the holiday with them?

TedMullins
Oh no I'm not included, in fact actively excluded. It is an odd jealously, perhaps old fashioned. It's just that I think a husband should have dates with his wife and not another woman. She got a birthday card from him this yet and they went out for lunch. He didn't even wish me Happy Birthday let alone anything else!

This post is making me question a current friendship I have. I'm married and so is he. We met online through a hobby forum and we both run said forum. We get along really well online and have opened up to each other about our lives. I am due to meet him as a friend next year but I've been wondering if I should. He messages me first most of the time and a fair few times a week. He calls me babe alot pretty, beautiful and comments nicely on my personality. He seems like an open guy in general though so not sure if I'm reading too much into it. Is this risk potential for making a move as we are both married? 🤔

@GEK1983

You could make your feelings clear to him? i.e. 'I just want to make sure we're on the same page, here: this is a friendship, and will never go any further.' It doesn't matter what you're reading into it, then. It doesn't matter his intentions. No boundaries will be crossed without clear disrespect of your feelings, and that's grounds for termination of the friendship.

You sound passive, like 'Oh no, what will I do if there's a risk of unfaithfulness?' But you're not passive; be active. State your position, and if he abuses it, drop him as a friend. You're the boss.

Thanks. I just didn't want to assume by saying that and make myself look an idiot if he wasn't thinking anything untoward.

I have a male friend. We're friends. Not all of us are too hot to resist.

My ex colleague has become my boyfriend and I couldn't be happier 🥰

I've had a few male friends for 25 years who are heterosexual and have never ever come on to me even when we've both been single. It is certainly not all men who behave like this. Platonic male female friendships do exist.
Unfortunately there are also some absolute twats out there too

Well I disagree that two people of the opposite sex doing something together is automatically a date, but actively excluding you all the time is nasty. I have male friends I do one on one stuff with but I’ve also introduced them to my partner and we’ve all done stuff together as well. I can see why you’re peeved in this instance.