This whole male/female platonic friendship thing

[Wahtnow]

I so want to believe it's possible, but my experience is that men don't really want it.

Years ago I worked in a male dominated industry, I avoided getting close to most of the men because it was blatantly obviously none of them were interested in knowing me as a friend, or even a friendly colleague tbh. There was one man who seemed "safe" a dedicated family man, absolutely committed to his wife, we became good friends through a shared interest and for years it was all good, until it wasn't, and he kissed me at the end of a work function, when I thought he was being a genuinely decent bloke seeing me back to my hotel.

And now it's happened again. I have a mixed group of friends, some married, some single. Based on my previous experience, I have been so careful not to become especially close to the married men or to spend time alone with them, we get along absolutely fine in the group, but my close friends within it are the women and a couple of single men.

We've just been away to an event for a few days, tbf lots of drinking involved and varying stamina levels. Of 12 of us, 6 had left the bar fairly early and a couple of hours later married man said he was going, me and one other said we'd walk back with him. The other (single man) got distracted by another bar on the way back leaving me to walk with married man. All good, I feel completely safe with him and there's never been any reason for anyone to feel concerned about it.

We staggered home (large air BnB) made a cup of tea, sat on the sofa, half the party already in bed in rooms very close and the rest expected back at some point. And then he makes his move. I did not see that coming at all, up until that point it felt exactly like if I'd been with a female friend drinking tea at the end of a fun evening.

Do all men "turn" eventually/ have an ulterior motive for friendships with women or is this something I'm doing?

I stopped him, he stopped immediately and was very apologetic. He also apologised again next day and it will be fine, but it also changes things.

His wife wasn't on this trip because it was for something she doesn't enjoy, but I know and like her a lot, so that leaves me with another issue. Until this point I've always genuinely believed he was one of the good guys 😪

Of course it's not possible. Men do have standards, they don't have to want to shag any woman they're friends with.

I'm 40, size 20-22, 3 young kids. Do you really think all of my male friends are secretly harbouring a desire to see me naked?

My best friend is male, it has always been platonic. It would be like kissing a brother, yuck.

He has never and would never try anything because he's not an arsehole just as I would never try anything.

How can you say "never" though? I'd have said never for both of these men, it took each of them over 10 years.

I’ve been single nearly 4 years now. If one of my male friends was desperate to shag me, they've had plenty of time to try yet no one has.

Because it would be just as likely he would try and kiss his sister. That's the kind of relationship we have.

Not to mention the many opportunities over the years, including when we were both single and childless and how nothing happened because we are simply best friends and nothing more.

It took one of them 9 years to try it on with me 🤷🏻‍♀️

We were more like family than friends - spent a couple of family Christmas's together, went on family holidays together, did a weekly hobby together for all those years.

His wife and I were friends first and she had absolutely no issue with the friendship. In fact, she encouraged it because he didn't have many friends. I saw him as a brother. He clearly didn't see me as a sister.

That one above all others really shook me up. I'd often complained to him that yet another friend's husband had messaged me at 2am. Didn't flirt with him, never crossed any boundaries at all previously. If he had done, I wouldn't have been friends with him.

I made it clear I wasn't interested and, over the next couple of months, he became increasingly spiteful towards me. I haven't seen either of them for 4 years now. It saddens me that a good friendship ended because of it

I'm obviously not suggesting that your friend harbours the same intentions towards you but this was a genuine (I thought) friend. Not someone I met on OLD I had no spark with or a bloke I knew from the pub I called a friend after a few weeks. But an actual close and valued friend.

From my experience it doesn't work, but maybe I've just been unlucky.

I think I read somewhere women are able to see their male friends just as friends without any sexual thoughts.

Whereas men wouldn't turn down the opportunity to have sex with their female friends if it presented itself to them.

I have lots of male friends and I have managed to neither fancy them nor sleep with them.

You were single for 9 years before he tried it on?

I’ve known most of my male friends 20+ years with a few more recent additions. My point was I’ve been totally single for clearly 4 years and yet none of my male mates have made any sort of move on me in all that time. If they really wanted to sleep with me, surely the fact they no there’s been no man in my life for a long time, anyone harbouring feelings would have taken their chance by now.

These blanket generalisations do my head in. Not all friendships are the same! Almost every friendship I have with either men or women has a different dynamic depending on where I met them, what we have in common, what we've gone through together, what activities we like doing. Being a man or a woman is the least interesting aspect to any of those and mostly irrelevant.

Perhaps it's because I'm not friends with walking cliches and stereotypes but actual well-rounded individuals who have more to offer than their gender.

With the attitude of many posters here I’m
not surprised decent guys don’t want to be friends with them….
So the decent guys keep their distance (who wants to be friends with someone who is sexist), only the sleazy ones will approach them, cementing thr stereotype…

Yep. I was married when I met his wife. I'd known her for about a year when my husband and I split up. They were both great during that time and I probably wouldn't have got through it without their support.

I stayed single after that because my children were young. I went on a few dates here and there and had one brief fling in the middle of it but they didn't ever meet him and I didn't talk about him. It was kept totally separate.

I was cross about it more than anything tbh. We'd still have been friends otherwise 🤷🏻‍♀️

My point was only that, just because they haven't tried it on at the beginning of the friendship doesn't mean they definitely never will.

With the attitude of many posters here I’m
not surprised decent guys don’t want to be friends with them…

Poor menz.....they're all just queuing up to form genuine platonic friendships with middle aged, married women....

Why wouldn't they be interested in forming friendships with middle-aged married women they've got stuff in common with just as readily as middle aged married men they've got stuff in common with?

Unless you believe women only have their looks too offer and nothing else of any substance?

Unless you believe women only have their looks too offer and nothing else of any substance?

I don't believe that. I suspect most men do though

Over the years (not these days as we can afford more than one room) I've even slept in the same bed as some of my male friends. After a night out clubbing you just want to try and sleep and don't care where.

A lot I've known since my teens/20s, they've seen me at my most vulnerable and my lowest and they've been there for me, even wiping away my tears and making sure I was okay.

Even the ones I've made more recently just want to look out for me.

I have several close male friends and none of them has ever made a move (and I’m not exactly a bag of spanners, just fyi.)

But I probably wouldn’t put myself in a situation where lots of alcohol has been drunk and I am alone with one of them, because that’s when things tend to happen.

That’s where you’re going wrong, OP.

@Comedycook maybe you just need to choose the type of men you associate with more carefully. Not all are misogynists.

Lots of passive aggressive digs like this on this thread.

I really have no desire for male friendships.

Of course men and women can be totally platonic friends.

I have two very close male friends I've known for over 10 years and there's never been a hint of anything romantic or sexual. One has been married the whole time I've known him, the other has been mainly single. I was single when I met them and am now married.
Of course I can't know for certain how anyone else feels, including them. But I can say that through many years, and many drunken nights etc, there has been nothing but platonic friendship.

@Comedycook

So, you think that all of us who have platonic male friends are being hoodwinked? All of us? We're so stupid that we can't see what's right under our noses... that all men we associate with are trying or will try to have sex with us?

Why do you deem so many women to be so stupid and clueless? You don't seem to think highly of anyone; unless they're neither a man nor a woman..?

@Comedycook that's your choice.

It's not a passive aggressive dig, it's calling out a comment which is inherently sexist towards men.

Personally I don't judge whether I want to be friends with someone based on their gender, I base it on whether they are nice people who bring value to my life and who I enjoy spending time with. Doesn't mean I want to jump into bed with them, nor vice versa.

That's not passive aggression. It's simply an idea, a suggestion that perhaps your limited experiences are clouding your view.

I just think the people commenting are in the minority. Irl, I know very few people who have friends of the opposite sex.